Thighs Wide Shut

Shame, shame, shame on you’alls and Lou Rawls. Did you honestly think for a stankonia moment that I’d let a woman who’s hair’s gross, Christain Bale Machinist rail thin, and a complete skankbot, rule our kingdumb? I’m even ashamed of the fact that I’m a top search result for ‘‘Lindsays Butt Paste‘… although being the #1 result for ‘cleveland cleavage‘ is kinda respectable, right? I picked Lohag when your backs were turned. Ha-ha, you fools! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well known is this: Never go in against a Master of Thighs, when Her Royal Thighness crowning is on the line!! Good thing Snopes and the Museuem of Hoaxes didn’t read last week’s posts, cause they would’ve easily exposed this rue de ruse in about 5 heartbeats!! The past is the past and the butt paste is a thing of the past… although I have been looking to switch up brands as of late. So lets push thighs forward, whilst you d-lode The Streets’ ‘‘Lets Push Things Forward‘. And before I officially announce who the heir to the hempire is, I juss wanna note that Cuthbest, unlike Lohag, never did us wrong, cept when she wore that tunafish thong, and will always be welcomed back anythyme to the House of Thighs. Plus we both share joint custody of Jean-Claude Van Dame Dakota Fanbelt, and she even agreed to pay for her dental bills! In choosing a woman worthy of the crownship I didn’t want to make any rush decisions… although she ended up being a Russian. Sure, I could have gone with a Albacauseofyou or Pinderlicious, but it was sign from heavens when I thighspotted my lady in waiting rubbing her thighs. And the rest is how I say, Game, Set, Snatch…

I present to you
The REAL Her Royal Thighness the IIIrd
Maria Yuryevna Sharapova
aka Мари я Ю рьевна Шара пова

You may now kiss the Thighs

ON WIT DA POOS DEL LINKY…

• Visited the new 7-11 on 23rd and Park Ave. Brief reflections: shiz was the cleanest and smallest Sleven I’ve ever seen, Big-Bites were effin moneybagsmcgee, but had NO CHERRY SLURPEES on-tap??#!@?@#?#? Their license should be revoked!

• Knocked back a few with The BlogFather, and the rest of the Bloggeratti. Brief reflections: so effin best.

• ESPN.com stalked jinxed for life Cub fan, my Halloween costume of ’03, and the all-around mystery that is Steve Bartman. Brief reflections: it was about effin time.

• Ricky Gervais chats up about the pressure of topping The Office with his next effort Extras, which airs in the UK on July 21st (‘How do you beat six Baftas and two Golden Globes? That’s mental. That record’s safe.’), his New Romantic band Seona Dancing (‘We thought we were Tears for Fears.’), his family (‘The whole point of my family was taking the mickey out of the one sitting next to you. It was all a wind up.’), and about dreams come true (‘My ambition was always to get a joke on The Simpsons, and here I am at the read-through sitting next to Homer.’).

• Charlotte Church’s mum strikes back and un-classy Shirley Bassey. Don’t care? Then at least czech out a whole lotta snap-ples of C Church in a bikini.

• Another pointless Indy IV update

• Nancy O’Dell met her husband while waiting in line at an airport. I think I need to fly more often.

• Many a celebs have been deliverin’ Amazon.com packages as a part of their 10th annie-verse-airy celebration. Peep Don Cheadle dropping off a box, Howie Mandel taking time off his ‘busy schedule’, and Kournikova opening a box with a customer (I’d love to open and munch on Kournie’s box! [NSFW])

• Dustin Hoffman has bigger-man-tees than yours drooly! [sorta NSFW]

• The Photos They’d Rather Forget

• I’ve never been able to describe TWS.org site in words, but Dawn of Man did a pretty good job by sayings, ‘If you’re not impartial to a bit of Anthony Burgess-style linguistic butchering combined with Jim Careyesque zany mad adult behaviour, head on over to The Thighmaster.’

• Why didn’t JeffGoldblumIsWatchingYouPoop.com get bigger than Jesus?

• (not) My Collection of Vintage Cigarette Lighters

• Geek Tattoos [via Dr Falada]

• Mildly entertaining ’80s print ads

• CantFindOnGoogle.com [MetaFiler]

• And happy belated 50th b-day to my new dawg, Jimmy Smits/Bail Organa, and to my old dawg, who’s love taking bites outta crime, McGruff the Crime Dog, who just turned half of Jimmy’s age. Growing up, in an age of hella-lame famous dogs, McGruff was buff and more ruff than then the baddies in Tuff Turf. Ya see, me at McG go way back. One day, while I was a hyperactive student at College Gardens Elementary School, we took a field trip riding the newly extended Red Line on DC’s Metro for three whole stops!!! When we demetroed at our final destination, White Flint, McGruff was there to greet us, dole out hugs, and distribute free Redskins trading cards to us all. I’ll never forget what you did that day McGruff, for as long as I live. So in his great name why not send him a b-day card, or get yoself a fab tee, or sign up for some free trading cards (sadly not Redskins)?

• While I was ruth buzzi stalking Jimmy Smits, and Jimmy Smits was busy philipps stalking America (dude was EVERYWHERE, from Live8, to my sis’ wedding, to A Capitol 4th, to reruns of that great SNL skit where everyone was over-pronouncing words of hispanic origin in his presence), the globe continued to spin. Kobayashi underperformed, yet walked away with his 5th straight Mustard Belt at Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest, Hank Stram, a man with a whorrible hair piece, but who always looked kewl on NFL Filmstock, peaced le fork out, and 7-11 officially opened for bidness in Mannyhattan.

[photoe via Chillary G]
• How could Hollyweird possib-bly transform Wedding Crashers into a watchable flick? Replace Owen Wilson and Vince Be-Gone-Vaughn with Guns n’ Rosenthal and yers drooly, respectively. Don’t bee leave me? Watch the revamped trailer and then tell me I’m crazier than Crazy Eddie licking Krazy Glue. [via Mr Guns himself]

• Da Ali G Show: Da Compleet Second Seazon will FRYNALLY be released on DVD, September 13th. Somehow it won’t be the same when he refers to MLK Jr as Martin Luther Vandross.

• We now have visual evidence that proves Tom Hanks was a poor choice for da Da Vinci Code mooovie.

• Lohag needs to stop playing truth or dare

• Bloc Party have recorded 2 new songs. And with that, the masturbation rate has jumped 63% amongst the hipsters and bloggers phylum.

• Mblem, aka FMMBMM: clothes For Mandy Moore, By Mandy Moore [via the Doug Fluter]

• Live in Chi-town? Lucky bastards, cause u can eat Lou Mal’s whenever u please and now you have the special op to check out 13 of Kubrick’s joints as part of a month-long retrospective at the Gene Siskel Film Center. I waited ages to see my last Kubrick film, Barry Lyndon, on the big screen, and it was an effin magical eggspearance. So if you haven’t explored his works cause either u have no taste or are a complete idjiot, now’s yer effin chance. I mean, what else you gonna do, go to Lollapalooza?

• Coldplay hates Chardonnay, but loves them some dark cotton socks!

• Commercial that may end up being hottier than Paris’ Carl’s Jr one: Lucy Pinder & Walker’s Crisps. Note to British people: when this shiz airs, please find it for me and send it my way.

• 50 Fun Things To Do Wit Yer iPod

• My search continues for actual game cards from McDonalds’ Dick Tracy Crime Stopper Game, but this aint 1/2 bad.

• Do subliminal tapes played while you sleep really work? Cecil goes to work

• Florida Man Arrested After Leaving Marijuana As Tip For Coffee [via Steve Bartman Hater #1]

• Polaroid-o-nizer

• Phallic Logo Awards [via Brock Lee]

• North Korean Bodyguard [vid via Itzr Mr Authoring Machine]

• Some are claiming that the big news on Wednesday will be the naming of the host city for the 2012 Summer Games (not to b confused with the hit game by Epyx in the 80s). [Be sure to check out The Chad’s handicapping of the field of five] Well, the nations of the world, in ca-hootz with the Peoples Republic of Thighland, would like you to think just that. You see, all that flubb-bubb and hubb-bubb is all juss smoke and cocaine mirrors for the real news that will send the AP wires haywire: the selection of Her Royal Thighness The IIIrd. Yes, a timetable has been set and we’re sticking to it. And I think the selection will turn some (penis) heads. In the meantime (not to be confused with that one decent Helmet album), as I help her back her bags and tea bag the hell outta her for the last time, I leave you with the single greatest snap-ple of Cuthbest I have ever laid thighs on.

[want more from the clizz-as-sack collection?]

Â

• Things are gettin a bit hectic like General Electric in the race for the soon to be vacant throne. Pinder’s been grabinin other chick’s boobs [sorta semi NSFW], Harley Quinn’s been transforminin into a real person, Mischa’s been wearinin less clothes than she has pounds, Albanski’s been crossinin her arms way too much, yuMM’s been cuddlinin with ma and dawgs, Padme’s been screaminin more than when she was preggers, Sharapova’s been fondleinin balls, and Cuthabovetherest has been launchinin a massive counter-offensive of over eggsposeher to win the hearts of the peoples and stay in power. I’ve never felt so wanted. Cept when I signed up for Columbia House six times over, never paid em a dime (just that one tapped penny), and their collector’s were following me around the globe from Ocean City, NJ, to Ocean City, MD. When will the madness end in my house? And when will I hear Madness’ ‘Our House’ [d-lode] on my shores? Oh yeah, probably this fall.

• Lindsay Lohag’s taste in music is 55% gag me with a spork, 33% rad, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple.

• Bob Geldof dropped from his own event

• It (muss) Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold them Back… from releasing more albums with catchy names that no one will buy.

Cuthbert-Camilla flick, The Quiet, gets its world splurtmear at this year’s Torononototo Film Fest. I’ve already booked my flight and put an order in for 23 boxes of Kleenex and 12 bottles of Jergens.

• The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Lemme take a bite of the peach.

• Love Page Six, but don’t feel like registirrin in order to read it on the interwebs? Me too. So many spanks to PG6 for doing all the work for us. Please do not confuse this site with PerezHilton.com, formerly PageSixSixSix.blogspot.com, but not to be confused with PageSixSixSix.com, PaigeSix.blogspot.com, PageSix.blogspot.com, PageFive.blogspot.com, PageThree.blogspot.com, PageThree.com [NSFW], ESPN.com Page 3, or GI Joe hero Deep Six. [1st link via Ms Ism]

• Stella needs a new groove to get her old one back. While it may be awhile before her next ménage e trois, Stella can suck on some Artois.

• Despite Mischa’s hotness, monkey, and milk, no one wants to buy Keds.

• One thing that could possibly get me to watch the NBA: the 7-years too late debut of ex-Terpie Sarunas Yesamadcabbages

• Keira Knightley and a visibly upset man in a yellow polo

• AMC Theatres theythinks you’ll love Cinderella Man so dang much that they’re offering a MONEY BACK GUARANTEE. More info here.

• My new job is located in the gravyest of gravy area. Willem Dafoe walks down the street in peace, there are 5 places that vend baked carb yummies in my building alone, and the beloved highline lines the skies. I’ve never had the pleasure of exploring the high line, but that all will change very soon. Before they make it all neo-crazy-sexy-cool, I want to eggspearance it in its current dilapidated form. Thanks to Verbose Coma, this will be my guide.

• What Ken Jennings watches

• Mexican Stamp Called Offensive To Blacks [via The Real Jonah]

• Boffins Create Zombie Dogs. Many Bothans died to bring us this information. [via Red Hot Core-Vette]

• This may be a repost, BUTT… Today’s Front Pages

• Alex Feingold and his whoreibble taste in animated gifs

• York, PA, the ‘Factory Tour Capital of the World’! With 5 of these tours focusing on potato chip or pretzel manufacturing (Utz being #1 in both categories), they may want to change their motto to ‘Crumbiest Place On Earth’!

So, who will it be?

Here be some snaps from last nite’s Freedom From JapanaPorn Fest. I have no idea who most of these people below are, but they were very willing to pose for a photo. [Note to self: figure out how to turn on that anti-redeye feature]

• ‘You will never see me in a nude scene,’ stated Her Former Royal Thighness the I. ‘Then there’s no mystery for my private life.’ First of all, her boobs have disappeared, so there’s no loss there. Second of all, what’s the mystery? Kids probably know about her than they do about Amelia Earhart. Bi they gay, how is it possible that there’s an ‘official’ Amelia Earhart website?

• Meanwhile, Bad Girls author Alex McAulay waxes bout the prospects of Lohag & Duffdiver starring in the movie adaptation.

• Blur suing each other?

• From Popbitch: Noel Gallagher was interviewed by David Walliams in the Observer last weekend, and told a classic story. Liam, apparently, was a huge fan of Spinal Tap. But he thought they were a real band. He was horrified to discover the same actors performing as A Mighty Wind at Carnegie Hall a few years back and, when Noel told him the bad news, shouted “I’m not ‘avin’ that”, and stormed off. And has never watched the film again. And spank the lord they finally played MSG last nite, cause I was gonna jump outta window if I had to read one more stankin article talkin bout how they sold out the place in minutes.

• Stewart Copeland Foos it up

• Mandy Moore to be inducted into the National Lacrosse Hall of Fame!

• Remember the search engine Excite.com? Neither did I til I read this.

• Don Malkemes furthers goal of ‘humping’ actress Kelly MacDonald. Great, but who’s Don Malkemes? UK’s answer to Stephen Malkmus?

• If one person yawns, why does everyone else in the room want to yawn? Related: somebody please stuff her mouth

• Just what I needed: a female Japanese android that wears gloves [via JINR]

• Who has the world’s greatest 404 Error: Page not found? The Sugar Daddy, Mr Poon

• Don’t pass up the chance again to own yer own Freezy Freakies

• Photos of an unknown family who probably owned a liquor store

• Rock, Paper, Saddam! [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• Yer YTMDawgnesses of the day: although Grambs hit the mark by matching Racist killer Killen with Uncle Jr, how bout Killen and the Six Flags guy? Or juss for shiz and giggles, a lame Cuthbert & Vader one AND Baloo Jizzes on Tom Cruise, which I could watch for 3 hrs straight… or would that be 3 hrs gay?

• No perspiration this time from Ms Pinder, but still plenty of yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yummy yamness to go round!! OMLORD, I may have to bypass all other Her Royal Thighness the III candidates and juss elect her two redonk bazoombies to the bone throne!!! [most are kinda NSFW]