Once Bitten Forever Smits’n

• While I was ruth buzzi stalking Jimmy Smits, and Jimmy Smits was busy philipps stalking America (dude was EVERYWHERE, from Live8, to my sis’ wedding, to A Capitol 4th, to reruns of that great SNL skit where everyone was over-pronouncing words of hispanic origin in his presence), the globe continued to spin. Kobayashi underperformed, yet walked away with his 5th straight Mustard Belt at Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest, Hank Stram, a man with a whorrible hair piece, but who always looked kewl on NFL Filmstock, peaced le fork out, and 7-11 officially opened for bidness in Mannyhattan.

[photoe via Chillary G]
• How could Hollyweird possib-bly transform Wedding Crashers into a watchable flick? Replace Owen Wilson and Vince Be-Gone-Vaughn with Guns n’ Rosenthal and yers drooly, respectively. Don’t bee leave me? Watch the revamped trailer and then tell me I’m crazier than Crazy Eddie licking Krazy Glue. [via Mr Guns himself]

• Da Ali G Show: Da Compleet Second Seazon will FRYNALLY be released on DVD, September 13th. Somehow it won’t be the same when he refers to MLK Jr as Martin Luther Vandross.

• We now have visual evidence that proves Tom Hanks was a poor choice for da Da Vinci Code mooovie.

• Lohag needs to stop playing truth or dare

• Bloc Party have recorded 2 new songs. And with that, the masturbation rate has jumped 63% amongst the hipsters and bloggers phylum.

• Mblem, aka FMMBMM: clothes For Mandy Moore, By Mandy Moore [via the Doug Fluter]

• Live in Chi-town? Lucky bastards, cause u can eat Lou Mal’s whenever u please and now you have the special op to check out 13 of Kubrick’s joints as part of a month-long retrospective at the Gene Siskel Film Center. I waited ages to see my last Kubrick film, Barry Lyndon, on the big screen, and it was an effin magical eggspearance. So if you haven’t explored his works cause either u have no taste or are a complete idjiot, now’s yer effin chance. I mean, what else you gonna do, go to Lollapalooza?

• Coldplay hates Chardonnay, but loves them some dark cotton socks!

• Commercial that may end up being hottier than Paris’ Carl’s Jr one: Lucy Pinder & Walker’s Crisps. Note to British people: when this shiz airs, please find it for me and send it my way.

• 50 Fun Things To Do Wit Yer iPod

• My search continues for actual game cards from McDonalds’ Dick Tracy Crime Stopper Game, but this aint 1/2 bad.

• Do subliminal tapes played while you sleep really work? Cecil goes to work

• Florida Man Arrested After Leaving Marijuana As Tip For Coffee [via Steve Bartman Hater #1]

• Polaroid-o-nizer

• Phallic Logo Awards [via Brock Lee]

• North Korean Bodyguard [vid via Itzr Mr Authoring Machine]

• Some are claiming that the big news on Wednesday will be the naming of the host city for the 2012 Summer Games (not to b confused with the hit game by Epyx in the 80s). [Be sure to check out The Chad’s handicapping of the field of five] Well, the nations of the world, in ca-hootz with the Peoples Republic of Thighland, would like you to think just that. You see, all that flubb-bubb and hubb-bubb is all juss smoke and cocaine mirrors for the real news that will send the AP wires haywire: the selection of Her Royal Thighness The IIIrd. Yes, a timetable has been set and we’re sticking to it. And I think the selection will turn some (penis) heads. In the meantime (not to be confused with that one decent Helmet album), as I help her back her bags and tea bag the hell outta her for the last time, I leave you with the single greatest snap-ple of Cuthbest I have ever laid thighs on.

[want more from the clizz-as-sack collection?]