Thighs Wide Shut

– What’s the biggest waste of money since Playskool’s My Buddy? My Pet Fat. This is quite possibly the wurst weight-loss idea ever. I mean, why not just inhale bacon, shower in mayo, and watch the lbs disappear.

– Me peeped Ladysmith Black Mambazo‘s show at the World Financial Center Plaza last night. Money spot was when they rocked “Homeless”, off of Paul Simon’s Graceland. If I were dead loaded, I would hire them to sing in my office all day long. Sh%t be relaxing like the Joy of Painting with Bob Ross.

– Welcome to Lohan Planet. Today’s topics are: Dooney & Bourke (whoever the scrooge they are) have chosen Ms LL as the new face for their product AND daddy Lohan doesn’t pay his hotel billz. Pee es- can Friday’s b-day celebration come any sooner?

– I’m sure most of these don’t taste like chicken.

– Jackie White and his Seven Nation Army have lauched a jihad on a 26-year-old filmmaker who made a documentary about em. Will this turn out to be the most controversial movie since Lilo & Stitch? Stay tuned folks.

– Boo to this Coquette. Who-ray to this Coquette.

– This picture of the Olsen twits is too nasty to even post. [Link via Cef-Dawg]

– bangme.net and Commodore 64 porn. [Links via Tim “Fudger” Altie]

– What will be fall TV’s least TiVoed show: I Hate My Job hosted by the Rev Al Sharpton.

And for shiz and nibbles:

– Chuck E. Cheese mascot attacked with pizza and threatened with a beating by an angry mum who said he wasn’t paying enough attention to her child.

– Meet my wife, Ye Olde 96er: 6 pounds of beef, one large onion, two whole tomatoes, a half a head of lettuce, 1 1/4 pounds of cheese, top and bottom buns, and a cup each of mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard, relish, banana peppers and some pickles. Just “some” pickles. What’s up wit dat?

Qwik note: a lot of past postings will have pictures missing. Daddy Thigh Master is aware and working on it like a box of Popeye’s fried chicken. Thanks for your pay-shence.

Look folks, I’m all for anyone who isn’t GWBusch, but I may have to change my mind about Johnnie Kerry after the announced line-up for the benefit concert in his honor (July 8 @ Radio City): The Dave Matthews Band? Mary J. Blige? Jon Bon Jovi? Wyclef Jean? John Mellencamp? Sarah Jessica Parker? Whoopi Goldberg? and Chevy Chase? What is this s%&#, Comic Relief 2004? Why stop there when they can rope in Yakov Smirnoff, El DeBarge, and Howie Mandel!! I mean, all the hipsters are going to vote for you anywayz Kerry, but may I suggest this as your line-up to guarantee you at least my vote: Franz Ferdinand, the Gorillaz, Lindsay Lohan, Jude Law, Air, Natalie Portman, Amy Sedaris, Ali G, Ludivine Sagnier, the White Stripes, Monica Bellucci and her twin pals.

– Who’s the king of all Randalls Island news? None other than ProductshopNYC. The Island said peace out to Lollapalooza last week and the Cure’s depressing tour may bite the dust as well. But there be light at the end of the tunnel folks. How does Little Steven’s International Underground Garage Festival starring Iggy Pop & The Stooges, The Strokes, The New York Dolls, Bo Diddley, The Raveonettes, The Mooney Suzuki, and many more for only one Andrew Jackson sound to you’alls? Gawd bless you Silvio!!

– One of the best non-fiction shows ever returns July 6th: The 2004 World Series of Poker. In the meantime, czech out what color commentator Norman Chad has to say about America’s obsession with dodgeball.

– What do a fake mustache, a mullet, the solar system, and a keytar all have in common? This. [Link via Tim “Fudger” Altie]

– POLAPOLAPOLAPOLAPOLAPOLAPOLAPOLAPOLA.

– Bruce Willis seeks to end his baldness.

– Me and Lohan, the buxom 17 & 11/12th year old, must share the same brain. Both of our dream projects would be “a movie with Johnny Depp or Jude Law. I’m in love with them both.” Girl, you’ll be a woman soon.

– The folks over at Chosen Couture are quickly becoming more urban than Urban Outfitters. They’ve added many a fine products to their site. So which one of yous wants tos buys mees this apron?

– Did you know that you should never carry a hoe into the house. If you do so by mistake, carry it out again and walk backwards to avoid bad luck. Damn hoes!! Click me for more superstitions.

– Time to get a rotary phone cause a Hungarian study found that mobile phones may damage sperm. I mean, text messaging isn’t worth losing future generations of Thigh Masters, right?

– And finally, we can rest assure as Lawmakers Loosen Potluck Dinner Rules.

– What day is more precious to Americans than July 4th, Independence Day? July 2nd, aka the day Ms. Lindsay Lohan-Thighmaster turns a ripe 18!!!! FINALLY, I no longer have to be compared with the likes of Pee-Wee Herman or Jeffrey Jones!! And why don’t you just shut up San Francisco Chronicle reporter Peter Hartlaub. We all know you can’t wait for Kim Possible to turn legal.

– Wanna be cool like the Thigh Master? Then why don’t you bid on these Temple of Doom collectible glasses. No time for eating Dr Jones!

– First Seacrest and now Winslet out? She’s backing out of the Woodman’s London-set film cause of the heavy load on her shoulders… her breasts.

– Boy named ESPN to be visited by… ESPN!!!

– Set times have been posted for this summer’s Coney Island Siren Fest. Shit is going to be hotttttt like Buster Poindexter. Can’t wait to buy me fifteen chili dogs from Nathan’s.

– Casablanca’s answer to Planet Hollywood: Rick’s Cafe. Hopefully they don’t have Play It Again Sam-dwiches on their menu.

– Cleavage, one of the breast documentaries I’ve ever seen, airs again tonight on A&E at 8 pm.

– What sorta sounds and looks like South Park? Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s latest: Princess. [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]

– The Newbs and his comedy series at Boston’s Regattabar got some nyce press in The Globe.

– Itching to know what ever happened to that Encyclopedia Britannica Kid or what columnist Weed McBonghit will do with life after Phish? Czech out my comrades over at Inside Joke.TV for those answers and much, much more.

– US Patent #6,434,757 belongs to one of the most special inventions of recent memory: The Magic Cone. Now all you lovely liz-adies can finally experience what it feels like to pee like a real man. Click here for a badly drawn girl demonstration. This animation is just one step above dear old Nancy in What’s A Girl To Do. [Link via me gal YouGot2BGiddyingMe’sBible]

– Speaking of the potties, if yer taking 365 dumps, trying landing a few at one of these top 5 shitters. [Link via Amber Waves o’ Grain Alcohol]

– I thought the peeing disease I had was called “stage freight”, but tits actually called paruresis aka bashful bladder syndrome. Now if they can only find the name for the other disease I have, peeing on cans of tuna fish for no reason. [Link via Joe E Tartar]

– And finally, this has nothing to do with a toilet, but these people need your help to name their baby. Some great suggestions I gave them were Seabiscuit, Bognaface, Poontangclan, Lohandjob, and Mummenschanz.