Thighs Wide Shut

– Marc my words, The Pacifier, starring Vin Diesel as a Navy SEAL turned nanny, will be the wurstest movie of 2005. Be sure to watch the trailer. And is it me, or is this the same thang as The WB’s Commando Nanny?

– Andy Rooney is LORD: “Hammacher Schlemmer sells what they call a ‘name doormat.’ The one in the catalog has ‘Smith’ on it, but the idea is you get your own name put on it. That’s a bad idea, isn’t it? I don’t want a doormat with people wiping their feet on my name. Some of the letters I get are bad enough. If someone gave me a doormat for Christmas, I’d rather have one with ‘Smith’ on it instead of ‘Rooney.'”

– Popeyes is 2nd place LORD.

– After CRUSHING Elijah & the Giants, dem Redskins are BACK IN THE PLAYOFF HUNT!! Peace the fork out 49ers.

– What’s an odder pairing than Bill Gates & Mischa Barton? How bout Paul Allen getting his doug jollies on with buxom baby Laura Harring, of Mulholland Drive fame… Btw, in the same article it mentions that Lohan drinks alcohol in bathrooms at restaurants.

– Don’t look at this for too long.

– Magnapop, one of me mos flavorite bands of the early 90s, will finally be dropping a new LP on January 25th, entitled Mouthfeel. You can preview bits of it here.

– Stream the new Chemical Brothers song, ‘Galvanize’, featuring Q-Tip in Real or Winbows Mediar.

– Get yer Turin, Italy Winter Olympics 2006 tickets here. Women’s curling tix will go fast!!

– What be yo Pimp Name? [via Fleaski]

– Cookiepuss’ voice scares me… so does Tom Carvel’s. [via J$$Bill]

– While Team Thighs is camped out to be the first to buy Lohan’s debut album tomorrow, just be safe in the k-knowledge that “Lindsay doesn’t smoke pot, she smokes cigarettes.”

– When I grow up, I want to work for the Poon Design Group. I’ll be Mr Poon’s personal secretary, so I’s can make him coffee and then ask him, Sugar, Mr Poon? [via TiVo Junkie]

– Meet Ulrich Haarbürste. On his website he likes to write stories about Roy Orbison being wrapped up in cling-film. Ok, sure, whatever, well, nevermind. [via Can’t Sit Stiller]

– And could this be the World’s greatest 4 star hotel?

– Peace the fork out and good riddance to Ken Jennings/Cpt Bordempants and his 74-game winning streak. You LOST to a woman… with a haircut that most of our mother’s had in the 80s.

– The one and only MUSS CLICK pic of Spock awaits your virgin eyes. [via Nipsy & Tuck]

– I’m dying to get my hands on a pair of these Desperate Housewives oven mitts. I’m also foaming at the mouth to get my mitts all over Eva Longoria.

– The legend of Zubaz pants will never die. [via Andre Dawson’s Love Child]

– It’s Karate, Kid! The Musical [via DJ Hanicapper]

– Coldplay album due in March. Outkast in June?

– According to a survey, ‘mother’ is the mostest beautiful word in the English dictionary. Don’t get me wrongs, me mumsy is the greatest thang in the world, but the finest word be ‘titties’. [via New Trier Alma Matters]

– I have no friggin clue who Junior Kimbrough be, but the artists lined-up to pay tribute to him are fee-nominal: The Fiery Furnaces, Iggy and the Stooges, Spiritualized, The Black Keys, AND Blues Explosion with Elliott Smith!

– Speaking of the real FFs, their franztastic bassist, Toshi Yano will fill-in as the other FFs’ bassist, as Bob Hardy recovers from having gas problems.

– This could be the most unwanted holiday gift since gold-plated umbilical cords.

– Yale rules. Harvard sucks. [via My Man Marvkus]

– Mandy Moore apparently is the cause of the Lohan/Fez splitsville. To get back at her former beau, Her Former Royal Thighness is looking to shack up with someone ‘high profile’. No reason to beat around yer hairy bush love, why don’t you just ask me to take you back? But I don’t know if I should even bother chasing her around when her father’s doing that to her already. And then there’s this whole bidness she’s got with her former boss, a real character with a higher profile and deeper pockets than a snooker table…

Gawd bless your Canuck parents for their umcredible DNA and love of boning, which helped to bring you into this world 22 years ago today! I bet you were smokin hot even with the umbilical cord attached to yer lil body.

You were born in the 80s

And you be the finest of all the liz-adies

Stop teasing me with your ‘maybes’

Isn’t it time to make da babies?

Yer thighs

Hypnotize

And tantalize

And make men cries

Why are you so purrfect

Is beauty a birth defect?

I like it when we pet and neck

And finger bang whilst we listen to Beck

And for those of you who aren’t going to rent The Girl Next Door in her honor today, here’s a highlight reel of her ultra-uber-super-hot-bod for you all to enjoy. [via Dougie Fresh Rheingold]

My T-Mobile sponsored T-Giving weak is frinally over. It can all be summed up in these minimal words: pies inhaled, balls bowled, footballs footed, necks injured, and Her Current and Former Royal Thighnesseses playing cock-footsies with me under the table during the feast. And what kind of human would I be if I didn’t thank all mi familia and friends for being some of the breastestest peoples on Earth, if not all of Maryland. Anywho, lettuce get this party started once again…

– What do you do when Fox News is yer daddy? You make SportCenteresque commercials. I guess I’d rather watch Christiane Amanpour get all silly nilly than Stuart Scott.

– UK’s fab Top of The Pops (think a besterer American Bandstand) show is being demoted from BBC1 to BBC2. Me don’t really care. Me just want dem Brits to put it back on BBCAmerica! I mean, where else am I going to see a group of teenagers sing ABBA songs AND be respected?

– Why do people keep employing Jeff George? That’s like letting Marion Barry back into politics… again and again.

– Trainspotting scribe Irvine Welsh to give film directing a go. That’s like letting Marion Barry back into politics… again and again.

– Is there anything better than the ACC? Yeah, the ACC without VTech, Miami, and BC.

– Hopefully this dude with extra digits on his hand AND foot has an alibi for the death of Inigo Montoya‘s father. If not, prepare to die.

– Me thinks the new U2 album friggin rocks is really good. Its scattered, smothered, and covered in elements of all of their previous albums for any fan to enjoy. Stand out track be ‘City of Blinding Lights’ and am I the only one not sick of ‘Vertigo’ yet? And why do I have this sudden urge to buy an iPod?

– Wanna know why Alexander is a flop? I mean who wants to see a movie about a guy ‘as gay as a maypole‘ or who ‘was defeated only once – by Hephaestion’s thighs.” [via Big Bad Boggle Player]

– New York’s changing.

– Dem school children may want their teachers to leave them alone, but I think they’d be much happier with some Pink Floyd royalties. I mean, how can they have any pudding if they don’t gots any cash?

– Jaleel White, the New Kid on The Blogck. [via Navi The Dukie]

– Redskins still in the playoff hunt… and somehow so are the 1-10 SF 49ers!?#?!?#@!?$

– Sandy Cohen better find himself a good Patent Attorney, cause these motherstickers are selling Chrismukkah cards without his permission. Lettuce juss pray that they don’t go further with this whole Easterover crap.

– And finally, the three finalists to portray Lois Lane in the upcoming Superman flick are: Kate ‘Brian’ Bosworth, Claire ‘You Bore Me’ Danes, and Elisha ‘Lord of the Thighs Cuthbert. Is this even a competition? You mean to tell me that Superman would think for a second about spreading his supersperm in Angela Chase or that lame a$$ girl from Blue Crush? Well if any of the producers are reading this and they want lots of free publicity, the choice is bovious… and if that happens, I’d also like to play Superman and add 31,2,36456,54,31856 sex scenes to the script.

– Think you’ve seen the last of Ronald Artest this season? Guess again cause Bandwagon Boy predicts that he’ll go incognito by donning a mask, just like Dusty Rhodes/The Midnight Rider did. See the Nov 22nd posting for more geniussnessness. Speaking of Ronnie, here’s an animated gif you can enjoy for ages [last via CatchyDubs].

– First Heidi Klum whored herself out to Target, and now it’s McDonald’s turn to utilize her a$$ets. But what’s next? Lettuce all pray she, like choosy Moms, chooses to do a JIF commercial where she spreads that peanut buttery goodness all over her ragga-muffins.

– Sorta related thing: Get a wake-up call from Heidi, Lord Vader, Cheech Marin, Ice-T, or your choice of other annoying people/animals right here.

– French chick Julie Delpy may be tapped to play French chick opposite Tom Hanks in da Da Vinci Code.

– First look at Charlize Theron as Aeon Flux. Looks like Tiffani-Amber Deli-scrumptious on Atkins!

– Fridaylly, if you can’t hold off til December 7th to hear Her Former Royal Thighness’ debut album Speak, take a sneaky peak preview to LL rocking the hizouse right here. And is it juss me, or is the beginning of her song ‘Disconnected’ bitched @ swirth with Radiohead’s ‘Paranoid Android’? And honestly, does anyone still care if she’s got ‘Fake Plastic Tees‘?