Thighs Wide Shut

Here be some snaps from last nite’s Freedom From JapanaPorn Fest. I have no idea who most of these people below are, but they were very willing to pose for a photo. [Note to self: figure out how to turn on that anti-redeye feature]

• ‘You will never see me in a nude scene,’ stated Her Former Royal Thighness the I. ‘Then there’s no mystery for my private life.’ First of all, her boobs have disappeared, so there’s no loss there. Second of all, what’s the mystery? Kids probably know about her than they do about Amelia Earhart. Bi they gay, how is it possible that there’s an ‘official’ Amelia Earhart website?

• Meanwhile, Bad Girls author Alex McAulay waxes bout the prospects of Lohag & Duffdiver starring in the movie adaptation.

• Blur suing each other?

• From Popbitch: Noel Gallagher was interviewed by David Walliams in the Observer last weekend, and told a classic story. Liam, apparently, was a huge fan of Spinal Tap. But he thought they were a real band. He was horrified to discover the same actors performing as A Mighty Wind at Carnegie Hall a few years back and, when Noel told him the bad news, shouted “I’m not ‘avin’ that”, and stormed off. And has never watched the film again. And spank the lord they finally played MSG last nite, cause I was gonna jump outta window if I had to read one more stankin article talkin bout how they sold out the place in minutes.

• Stewart Copeland Foos it up

• Mandy Moore to be inducted into the National Lacrosse Hall of Fame!

• Remember the search engine Excite.com? Neither did I til I read this.

• Don Malkemes furthers goal of ‘humping’ actress Kelly MacDonald. Great, but who’s Don Malkemes? UK’s answer to Stephen Malkmus?

• If one person yawns, why does everyone else in the room want to yawn? Related: somebody please stuff her mouth

• Just what I needed: a female Japanese android that wears gloves [via JINR]

• Who has the world’s greatest 404 Error: Page not found? The Sugar Daddy, Mr Poon

• Don’t pass up the chance again to own yer own Freezy Freakies

• Photos of an unknown family who probably owned a liquor store

• Rock, Paper, Saddam! [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• Yer YTMDawgnesses of the day: although Grambs hit the mark by matching Racist killer Killen with Uncle Jr, how bout Killen and the Six Flags guy? Or juss for shiz and giggles, a lame Cuthbert & Vader one AND Baloo Jizzes on Tom Cruise, which I could watch for 3 hrs straight… or would that be 3 hrs gay?

• No perspiration this time from Ms Pinder, but still plenty of yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yummy yamness to go round!! OMLORD, I may have to bypass all other Her Royal Thighness the III candidates and juss elect her two redonk bazoombies to the bone throne!!! [most are kinda NSFW]

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• Me thinks me teachers (pre-school thru IU) were on to something when the forced me to read books. I was never much of a reader (all free time was reserved for Nintendo, bags of Utz, and masuerbatin), and most of the time, the assignments were tres torturous (Mark Twain, Maya Angelou, and the mc-bane of my eggsistance, Johnny Tremain), but there were always dustin diamonds in the rough. For had it not been for them and their curriculums, Orwell’s 1984 and Ellison’s Invisible Man (which I 1st thought was about a professor turning himself invisible) may have never graced my list of all thyme besteteses bookages (next to Sendak’s Chicken Soup with Rice). Once the edu-ma-cation ended, I was left to my own (sexual torture) devices to figure out what kind of books I would be reading for the rest of my daze. After a few missteps, I’ve finally fingered out what words whet my eyeballs: books that became great movies, anything about a future dystopian society, and Kurt Vonnegut(witcha). Everything else I’ve peeped in between has been decent, but nothing too memorable. That is until, duhvs course, I read John Kennedy Toole’s UNRELIEVABLE novel to end all novels, A Confederacy of Dunces. I’m no literary textpert folks, but I’d say if you dig the alienation of Salinger and whimsy of Vonnegut, you’ll find yerself in good hands here with Toole’s prose. If I had a pen on me whilst turning the pages, I probably would have written ‘LOL’ all over my body 14 times over. Our protagonist and savior of the 20th century, Ignatius J Reilly was rated the 17th bestest character in fiction, but in my humble mumbler opinion, the brother is #1. Maybe cause I see a lot of myself in him. Cept I change my bedsheets and I’d never read philosophy. So if you haven’t had the pleasure of thumbing thru the pages, I’m truly, madly, deeply jealous of you. I wish I could read it again for the 1st time, but without some shock-therapy and a time machine, this is more of an impossibility than Oprah going off the air. My only wish is that they never make ‘an abortion’ of a movie from this fine work. I juss wouldn’t want anything to tarnish my newfoundland love for something that culminates with the final word ‘mustache’. Effin brills.

• White Stripes, as eggspected, expanded their upcoming tour. They, along with the Shins & Brendan Benson, will hit up Coney Island’s killer Cyclone Park on Zeptember 24 & 25. Which puts me in a pickle: dem shows or Austin City Limits? I know it sounds like a no brainer, but like Pops, gotta have my Stripes.

• The shark has been jumped, EW has a blog. Please head for the shores.

• Supergrass will drop their 5th joint, Road to Rouen, this August. While we wait, here’s a nifty Micky Quinn ani gif.

• A Da Vinci masterpiece once was lost, but now it’s found. [via Synapage]

• Eleanor’s dog once was lost, but now he’s found.

• If Jason Mulgrew is the most eligible bachelor in the blogosphere, what does that make me?

• Lohag sports the ‘Hungry Like A Wolf’ look for her b-day party.

• Lodes of free summer flicks for Bostonians

• I can’t decide who’d I rather bone

• What’s that flying from Paris’ pants?

• Michael Jackson’s trail woulda been a lot cooler if it ended like this

• Always late to the party, but anywho: watch Tom Cruise get jizzed on [totally SFW]

• But did u know that Tom killed Oprah? [b-ware of sound]

• Batman peoples, if you ever think of including Harley Quinn in a future flick, may I recommend Ms. Bellucci and her two amici…

And if anyone needs something to decorate their bed, may I recommend this. [kinda NSFW, all for Tom Wellington]

• Gawd blessed be my father. For we may have not had a lot in common when I was growings up (he sported a cottage-cheese collectin mustache, while I was terrified of facial hair. I lived for Jennie Garth, while he lived for Little Debbie). But times have certainly changed. He ditched the stache for a much butter barry peppered beard (or would that be brian peppersed beard?) and I rocked one myself, although I did flirt with a stache for a bit. And we both share a love for all things os-good: my mumsy, anything playing at a Landmark Theater, and the thing all us humans must do in order to live, eat. Cept him and I tend to go alpha-beta-gaga for anything considered junk/comfort/greasy food. I mean, the dude was raised midwestern style all up in White Castle & Steak ‘n Shake goodness. Which brings us to yesterday, Father’s Day. To my knowledgee, nothing had been planned. Then 2 weeks ago, I received a to-the-point email (as papa often drafts) detailing our plan: a progressive dinner consisting of wings and apps @ Hard Times, sangwhiches galore @ Roy’s Place (with over 200 to choose from!), and wrappin it up wit some soft-serve bestness at the DQ (which NYC is sadly lacking, along with 23477324 other ta-chings). I’m so proud to be your son, dad. And I was even more proud that I had room in my tummy after eating #118 from Roy’s (two Polish sausages wrapped in bacon, with broiled provolone cheese, buried in cole slaw & Russian dressing on French bread).

• Related: best place to buy gifts and other fine chotchkes for pa, ma, fa, la, and anyone else under the son in the MoCo area? Give Second Hand Rose a go. Next time I’m bringing my camera to show AND tell you all about it.

No more sap, and on with the crap!!!

• Could Coke Zero be the first official soft drink of Thighland? I’m sure Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper would have sum-tang to say about dat!! Insert second Brian Peppers ref here. Buy Brian Peppers tee there.

• Lohan’s ex-gynormo bazongas were NOT digitally reduced sez Herbie director. Either way, this will be the bounciest G-rated movie I’ve seen since Flubber.

• Sex Pistols the latest wasbeens to reunite for Live 8. Who’s next? My money is on ABBA, The Talking Heads, or Jesus and his 12 boyz… all of which will most likely never happen.

• Leonardo BiCaprio was attacked with beer bottle! No motive has been ascertained, although I suspect that the woman who did this was a die-hard Growing Pains fan, and was none too pleased with the addition of his character in the twilight years of the show. Don’t show her that smile again. [pic via DV]

• Alex Kapranos, of Archduke fame, was mistaken as a British spy and detained in Russia. Apparently he was trying to steal the secret plans on how to make those matryoshka/nesting dolls.

• What would 24 the movie be? 102… minutes?

• Want somebody to shove? Well, u can no longer add Soul Asylum bassist Karl Mueller to yer potential shovees cause the dude forked the peace runaway train outta town.

• The free paper that brings you ‘Spot the Drummer‘ (which has been fazed out of our Friday posts), brings you one of the longestest articles you ever did see about Matthew Lesko, the uber-annoying dude in the riddler suit who wants u to take free money from the g-mint. Who knew that he really does wear that suit everywhere and rides around town in a car tripped out in question marks??!?!?! [via My Man Marvelous]

• Enjoy the silence music

• Is ‘more raw and funky‘ the new ‘raw & the cooked‘?

• EW makes me boo, while RS makes me goo. I’m still waiting for Highlights to make me do something.

• How do you make a box of Tampax crazy/sexy/cool? Put the always adorable Kelly MacDonald in one.

• CBS News Sunday Morning‘s Bill Geist took a trip to Luling, Tejas’ Watermelon Thump, which includes a parade, beauty pageant, eating contest, and seed spitting competition. Unfortch, there was no link for the fat chick that could eat a watermelon in literally 25 or so seconds.

• Wanna torture someone you know? Take em to see Jurassic Park III fo free!

• I think Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes did something last week.

• iPod shuffle mania!

• Cecil invetagates the origin of the term ‘missionary position‘, why the sound of fingernails scraping a blackboard is so annoying, and one I’ve been dying to know, why do women athletes tend to be flat-chested?

• And Ask Yahoo! answers, ‘Who invented the weekend?’

• Gary Coleman, still short

• I hate tomatoes, but I don’t think they’re evil.

• Exactitudes

• Brother gonna knock you out, the ani gif [via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

• And me beloveded alma matters, Richard Bestgomery, shit the bed against rival Walter Johnson in It’s Academic DC Championship. How sporking embarrassing for the 11th best high school in the nation to get a beat down from the 80th best. IB my ass. More like UB LOSERS, you shameful losers!! Seriously, what ever happened to Rocket Pride, Rocket Power? I’ll be sure to spit on the trophies next time I’m back. At least my pain was eased a bit by how great host Mac McGarry still looks after all these years of straight pimpin’.

• Today’s vid game hot topic belongs to the fine folks at CAPCOM and the 8-bit games they created for Nintendo. They didn’t have the best games, but their graphics were always top notch, and duhvs course, they were always so fargin icehole easy to beat (cept 4 the ever so challenging Ghosts & Goblins). And most of them were xerox versions of other games they previously released. I mean, what’s the difference between Mega Man 2 and Mega Man 2112? Wasn’t Legendary Wings juss a glorified version of (pellet gun) 1942 & 1943? Or how bout all dem synonymous Disney games they pooped out, such as Mickey Mousecapade, Rescue Rangers, AND the best of the lot, Duck Tales? Purty much the Mad Libs of late 80s gaming. Too bad Gummie Bears didn’t get any love, cause who wouldn’t want to drink Gummie Juice and bounce off the walls for hours? I think you can do that in reality, it’s called Jolt Cola, which is making a mini-comeback in these energy drink crazed days. Anywhozitz, the best game they ever sold, hands and thighs down, was Bionic Commando (beware of the audio), which was sorta like a cross between Metal Gear & Blaster Master (not to be confused with Thunderdome‘s Master Blaster). I can’t even tell you how many hours of enjoyment I got shooting that Bionic arm and hearing that Bionic sound effect. Too bad that era has gone Bye-Bye-onic.

• Want my review of the Bloc Party show at Webster Hall last night? Similar to this, but with less words from my chopping BLOC: BOOOOOOOOO-oring (more ‘oring’ than ‘BOOOOOOOOO’), ‘I’m afraid you’re just too darn loud‘ (audio), Tracy Chapman needs singing lessons, and hey, Moby sounded great here, so why didn’t they, and, you call this a ‘party’? I’ve had more fun fasting during Yom Kippur. Sorry My Man Marv, but their sound was trost in lanslation somewhere tween the album and the stage. Feel free to LCruD Soundsystem yer ears when NPR broadcasts their show at the 9:30 Club tonight. [last via Alexander deLarge Boy]

• 22 countries I’ll never visit again.

• Eff Superman, cause the people demand the return of Teddy Ruxpin. Peep out his brand spankin new website! [via Guns n Rosenthal]

• Can’t find a link, but the werd on the street is that the t.A.T.u. anime movie has been indefinitely postponed due to lack of funds. How do you say ‘boo-urns’ in Russian? I dunno, cause I’m too busy creating Russian dressing after looking at these pics. [via Tom Wellington, who thinks ‘I suck’]

• B-Wagon Boy weighs in on the ‘Micheal Jorden’ [sic] verdict.

• Like the Simpsons movie, here’s another thing that would’ve been better in ’95, and not in ’05

• Lohag is a dirtbag

• Jenna Elfman invents the faux mullet, and in turn, looks like Jamie Lee Curtis from the 80s.

• I lourve how that Lucy Pinder chick and her bazongas appear to be glistening in every single snap she takes. Wet women = wet men.

• Don’t know if you’ve been watchin Ashton Crouton’s Beauty & The Geek (I was forced into it, but I hate to say, twas berry entertaining), but the Lauren, the “Lingerie Model”, from head to tongue is like a real life version of The OC‘s Summer Roberts. And no, that’s not a good thing.

• The Brothers Grimm trailer [via DV]

• Cone Pizza!! Sweeeeeeeeeeet!! We’re one step away from Pizza In a Cup (audio)!! [via K to the P]

• Lolliepaloozer’s set times have been posted.

• Set yer TiVos to fun: AFI’S 100 Years…100 Movie Quotes: America’s Greatest Quips, Comebacks and Catchphrases

• Google Quick Reference Guide [via JJ]

• Movie scenes you didn’t get to see

• Lebowski Fest tix go on sale tomorrow

• Tons o’ $20 tix avail to crappy shows at Jones Beach

• Anyone else try to peel the non-existent 99 cent sticker off this week’s Time Out New York?

• Wanna dress like the Thigh Mizzle? Bid away!!

• How to Make Your Own Totally Sweet Mario Question Blocks and Put Them Up Around Town [via Datar Sauce]

• Squirrel Liquor Decanter [via Ceffle Kizzle]

• Kevin Dillon and his fivehead are engaged! I guess he won’t have to chase Kim Bauer/Cuthbest in the woods no mo!

• Related: This guy defends Kim Bauer, ‘I just think that Kim was always an integral and interesting part of the psychological narrative, even without the nipples.‘

• Related: I think we’ve gone long enuff w/out a pitcher of Cuthlete. Here’s a reminder why it’s so hard to give her the boot when she makes me so hard, to boot…

Been sifting thru ole emails at the day job, since I’m moving on to bigger and less animated porn things next week, and found the following great junky links! Sorry if I posted them in the past:

• This is the first page dedicated to my favorite Godfather of Galactic Funk, the hardest working man in gambling, soul brother #1, Lando Calrissian [b-ware of the audio]

• Celebrities-Eating.com

• Some A&W fun for the kids

• The Bible, as told thru Legos

• The PET Computer

and this gem of Jems (truly out-rage-YES!)

• JC Penny’s 1980 Fall/Winter Catalog

• What’s the greatest computer-based game of all thymes? No doubt the one that our 4th grade Social Studies teachers ‘forced’ us play back in the mid 80s: Oregon Trail. I mean, who didn’t try to kill their family off as qwikly as humanly possible, by starvation, disease, drowning, or at the hands of them evil Injuns?? I loved the game so much that when I gots to high school (the one ranked 11th best in the country) and had Journalism for 7th period, we’d all get passes to go to the library to do ‘research’, aka, play the deluxe mid 90s version of the game. Sometimes we’d get the passes, leave school, smoke mad blunts and eat lots of Doritos, but that’s another story for another time. Anywho, major spanks to Double Viking for digging up a version u can play right on yer computer!! Now if only someone could dig up Archon or Carmen Sandiego for me, cause I’m too darn busy playing Where’s Peabs [via Senor Grambs] to find dem other games myself. In the meantime, I’m gonna party like it’s 1849!!

• VAUGHN UPSET HIS CAMEO IN MR + MRS SMITH WAS LEAKED

• THIGH MASTER UPSET VAUGHN HAS CAREER

• David Gray and his sweet-arsed voice are going on tour. Too bad I can only think of Cuthbest in the back seat of a car getting railed by that quiche-bag [very end o’ clip] when I hear ‘This Year’s Love’. Anywho, here be the dates:

1st August: Toronto, The Carlu (General on sale 17th June)
2nd August: New York, Webster Hall (General On sale 22nd June)
4th August: Boston, Avalon (General On sale 24th June)
5th August: Philadelphia, Merriam Theatre (General on sale 18th June)
6th August: Washington DC, 9:30 Club (General on sale 30th June)
8th August: Chicago, Vic Theatre (General on sale 25th June)
9th August: Minneapolis, State Theatre (General on sale 25th June)
14th August: Seattle, Moore Theatre (General on sale 7th July)
16th August: San Francisco, The Fillmore (General on sale 10th July)
17th August: LA, John Anson Ford Theatre (General on sale 9th July)

• Like seeing Alba in that tight-arsed blue suit? You may get yer chance to see in twice more over the next 12 years! Like seeing whorreible Alba photoshop? You get yer chance right now! [info via IM]

• What is sure to be the weirdest thing mt everest? Bjork’s sdtrk to hubby Matthew Barney’s latest Drawing Restraint 9. Sign me up NOW!

• There were sequels to Clockwork Oranges? No, juss two rip-offs: La Gang Dell’ Arancia Meccanica & Una Gute De Sangre Para Morir Amando (aka Clockwork Terror), which actually starred Sue Lyon who played the title character in Kubrick’s Lolita!

• What did the Cream reunion sound like? Find out fo yo self! But no sunshine of my love for ‘Anyone For Tennis’? That would’ve been nice.

• Hugh Jackman looking at Rachel Weisz in the snow!!?@!#? This IS gonna be Aronofsky’s bestest!

• Arcade Fire to re-release their ole EP. No tracks contain the word ‘neighborhood’. Not related: Synappies’ list of his flavorite NFL player names: Atari Bigby

• Celebrity tongues. Warning: the Brittany Murphy ones may blind you… unless u peep these other random ani gifs 1st!

• Tell Harry to cast a spell and make you 18 already!

• I bet on super-Earth their version of Lindsay Lohan doesn’t look like a cracked out whorebag!

• The annotated guide to BJ’s ‘We Didn’t Start The Fire’ [via MonkeyMan]

• I kinda feel sorry for the Old Kids On the Block. Hispecially the one who likes like Joel Grey ala Cabaret, avec soul patch.

• Please tell me this is true: Six minutes of exercise a week ‘is as good as six hours’. Cause I get about 12 minutes of quality hand relief every 2 hours. [via Newz of da Weird]

• Why pay to see The Island, when u can go for free (select cities). Same goes for NYCers with David LaChapelle’s Rize

• Triumph @ the Jackson Trial

• And if I ran Hollywurst, I’d make the ultimate Mask movie, starring a mishapeneded Eric Stoltz, a green Jamie Kennedy, the van-dyke-stached Jack White [via Mod], and the OG cast of The Iron Mask. This could be the bestest movie idea I’ve had since Leonard Parts I-V or that giraffe thingie.

…speaking of, how come the DVD release of the bestest Bill Cosby on an ostrich film flew completely under my Thighdar and the rest of the world’s presses? This could be the biggest DVD release since the original Star Warseses!! So don’t tom delay, buy twoday!