Thighs Wide Shut

– Jack White was the coolest of the cool, until he started dating Puffer Fish McNasty, aka Renee Suckwager. Well, the man just got back his credibility as the two have gone splittsville. No one knows why, but I heard its cause Renee’s cheeks couldn’t hold all of Jack’s pearly white magic goo after a BJ. Honestly, Jack should just start boning his sister/ex-wife and the world will be a better place.

– So it looks like Gawker Media is the new Judaism. Why? Well with the launch of three new sites (one about stuff that moves, one about games people play, and one about crap in general) they’re only months away from controlling the media. Hey Nick, when yer ready to hit me up wit a lifetime supply of Starbursts and a roller coaster in my apt, I’m your man for the launch of Thighland: the first blog dedicated to all things thighs. [Note: I’m Jewish. As Jewish as a Bacon Crab Cheeseburger.]

– Jude Law engaged? I may have fully commit myself to women 1nce again. And did you know that Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth are getting hitched too? Who know they were even an item?

– Don’t be one of those guys who makes their own Ghostbuster proton pack this Halloween, when you can own the real thing. [via Navi]

– 2009 is already turning out to be the hottiest year ever. Conan’s taking over for Lame Leno and the Simpsons may call it quits then.

– The Q Awards were handed out and The Streets walked away empty handed, while Franz Federline mcnabbed only one. Does this signal an end to good music and a return to boy bands? Jordan Knight, stand by your phone.

– Squirrel Fishing. This can’t be legal, eggcept in countries where cocks fight.

– What do you get when you pass out drunk and that hot girl from MisShapes sits on yer face? This! (sorry if you’ve seen it before) [via My Man Marvkus]

– Dilbert: The House. Someone please explain.

– Get Carter, not the version with Stallone and Rachel Leigh Cooked to purrfection, was voted breast British film of all-time. Who votes in these polls, blind people? C’mon, you mean to tell me that From Russia With Love is butter than A Clockwork Orange? Kubrick is beating and raping himself in his grave.

– So where do you put yer money in this pair o’ Levi’s? If I have to get inventive, I’ll juss stuff some single dolla bills down the front depository. [via Willie Bragg]

Tickets Peas

– The Pixies has announced the final final final two shows on yer woolly mammoth North American tour: Saturday, December 18th (one at 7 and one at Midnight) @ Hammerstein Ballroom. The 7 show first is with Mike Watt & the Secondmen opening, and the Midnight show is with Kristin Hersh & the 50 Foot Wave opening. Tickets for both shows will go on sale Friday, October 8th through Ticketbastard.

– The Hives will be bring their megalomania to Webster Hall on November 20. Pre-sale on now (password: ‘idiot’) and general sale starts Wed @ noon.

– Jet & The Donnas are playing K-Rock’s Big Hairy Halloween Ball Rocktober 29 @ The Supper Club. Pre-sale starts Thursday. Password is ‘Booker’

And yer two stoopidiest headlines are:

– Vibrator Shuts Down Australian Airport

– Romanian Mistakenly Cuts Off Penis, Dog Eats It [via My Man Marvkus]

AVP: Alien vs Predator

Save Yer $10, I’ll Slit Yer Eyes Out For Free!!

Alien vs Predator. More like Boring-Lame-O Humans Spelunking, While Occasionally Some Aliens Fight Some Predators And Stuff. When us people go to see a movie with initials in it (A.I., V.I. Warshawski, D.A.R.Y.L.) we expect to be entertained, and not have our intelligences raped, gawddangsit!!! Who wants to watch people search for artifacts for 45 minutes, when these characters should have been killed in the first 10 minutes and allow the real “stars” of the movie to rip the lungs off of each other for the next 80 minutes? Sure, a lot of humans do eventually get Sgt slaughtered, but things get so recockulus that a surviving woman befriends a Predator and they team up to take down some Aliens. I was just waiting for the Odd Couple theme song to chime in. YIIIIIIIKES this was truly whoreriffic. I wasn’t eggspecting Kramer vs Kramer here folks, but at least something resembling a movie!! Writer/Director Paul W.S. Anderson needs to stop playing Halo and take at least one screenwriting class. Or maybe he should have just opened a pad of Mad Libs and where it says name, enter “Alien” or “Predator”, and for the verbs, drop a “slash” or “mutilate” and then we’dabeen cooking!! This now makes two P.W. Andersons on my movie jihad list. One’s way over-pretentious (raining frogs?) and the other is a shlockmiester who wouldn’t know a good script from bad, even if Charlie Kaufman diarrheaed Being John Malkovich on his forehead. But with all wet dumps, there has to be light at the end of the wipe. And the only positive thing I could think of is that Lance Henriksen received a paycheck. You can’t say the same thing of Ilan Mitchell-Smith, who played dear ole Wyatt in Weird Science. Do you think he keeps in touch with his screen brother, Chet/Bill Paxton?

Anywho, here’s some versus movies me’d like to see be made:

Paul Mitchell vs Vidal Sassoon

Nekkid Lindsay Lohan vs Kirsten Dunst In Pudding

Verse vs Chorus

Pearl Jam’s Ten vs Pearl Jam’s Vs.

Aliens vs Eileen Wuornos

The People vs White Flint Mall

Fred Savage vs Judge Reinhold in Vice Versus

Barry Lyndon

Like Going To The Met For Three Hours, Without The Lines

I made a promise to myself and bygosh, I fulfilled it. Ya see, Stanley Kubrick is the greatest filmmaker of all time (OK, maybe second next to Joel Suckmaker) in my humble opinion. I’ve seen all of his brillyant works over and over and sometimes over that over, but I had never seen his period drama Barry Lyndon, which netted 4 Oscars at the ’76 Academy Awards. My sacred oath was to see it in a theater and thanks to one of the finest museums in New York Sit-Tay, America Museum of the Moving Image, the dream become a reality. I’m not much of a 18th Century English costume drama kind of Thigh Master, but if one person could pull it off and make me go ga-ga for it, it would be the Kubrickster. The man could tackle any genre he attempted: sci-fi, comedy, horror, war, thriller, and even the caper. And after inhaling the 3 hours of beauty that was displayed onscreen, period drama could also be added to that list. I was never bored, as something was always happening and oddly engaging, but I could easily see how some would fall under a coma of malaise. Kubrick was so meticulous in nailing down all of the little details of the era that you don’t feel like yer watching a movie about the late 1700s, but actually living in that time and going to the cinema to watch a movie about modern times. Yes, film hadn’t even been invented back then, but you get the idea. Ryan O’Neal may not have been the ideal choice as the title character, but its the settings, lighting, make-up, costumes, and music (the mise en scène, if you will) that do all the work here. Kubes choose to shoot entirely on location (real castles and the like) and utilize natural lighting. When you see a room illuminated by candlelight, that’s all the lighting used in that scene. For you green film students out there, in order to capture such delicate lighting you need a very special lens and SK was blessed to use a camera lens developed for NASA. This is probably the greatist period drama ever filmed and a muss c classic fo shore… unless yer too saturated with movies that contain sub-machine guns, cells phones, or Ben Affleck.

Dans ma peau aka In My Skin

aka The Worstestest ‘Skin’ Flick Me Have Ever Seen

A woman accidentally scrapes her legs and as time wears on, she becomes overly obsessed with scraping herself even more. If you enjoy watching a woman cut the sheet out of her arm with a steak knife under a table and doing other unwatchable stuff with her skin, then please turn in yer Thighs Wide membership card and move to Russia you sadistic f#%!

– Our Thighs Spies spill the beans about Her Royal Thighness from the set of Herbie: Fully Loaded. We all know she’s an overtanner, no thanks to her milky Irish complexion, but she’s also a crazy lush who has to have handlers follow her around everywhere to make sure she doesn’t go to parties. That way she won’t show up to the set all hungover and gross looking. But don’t worry hun, I’d still lick you from head to toe even if u were wearing a tunafish kitty litter g-string covered in gefilte fish. And if you want sweetsie, we can make our stambed, a tanning bed.

– And even more from the pointless Lohan news department: Lindsay Lohan’s Father Denies He Kicked in Door

– My dearest Uncle Grambzy was quoted in a NYTimes piece about Vincent Gallo… sort of.

– Jessica Cutler, aka Ms Washingtonienne aka Capitol Ho-Bag, gets the full Washington Post treatment. And what words of wisdom she gots: “I was only blogging for, what, less than two weeks? Some people with blogs are never going to get famous, and they’ve been doing it for, like, over a year. I feel bad for them.” Thankz bizotch, but some of us don’t need to suck cock to be famous. I just want to be famous for eating funnel cakes… [via Flea]

– Newsday likens Little Steven’s Garage-A-Thon MC Kim Fowley to Max Headroom. Too bad we already broke that story hours earlier bizatches!!! But czech out these fab photos they posted. And what was with all the crazy film cameras at the event (that Iggy Pop humped)? Oh, that was just director Chris Columbus (Mrs Doubtfire, and the two not-so-good Harry Potter movies) filming a doc of the whole show. Good, now I can cherish the Electric Prunes for eternity!!

– Rolling Stoned drummer, Charlie Watts, is battling throat cancer. That’s a crying shame considering the dude always looked so cool when smoking a fag (that’s British slang for homosexual/cigarette).

– What has a lot of blonde hair and a combined IQ of -6? The Paris Hilton/Nick Carter sex video.

– Imagine being the guy/gal forced to sit next to Andy Rooney at the movies…

– John Malkovich is Stanley Kubrick in Colour Me Kubrick. Be sure to watch the teaser, which is one of the wurstestest known to man.

– Stamps are cool. And in 2005, they will be even coolerer. Look for ones featuring the likes of Ronald Reagan, Henry Fonda, Greta Garbo, Arthur Ashe, Jim Henson & The Muppets, and some Disney characters.

– Phish fans abandon cars to get to the farewell shows this past weekend in VT. They say the floods caused all the problems, but I bet a truck carrying barrels of patchouli jackknifed and made the area reek of dirty hippies… before the dirty hippies showed up. Peace the fudge out to vacuum cleaner music for good!!

– Caddyshack legend Bill Baroo is sold for a measly $5,336.00. [via Navi]

– We all know about Awful Plastic Surgery (this one takes the cake), but what about Good Plastic Surgery? Either way, I’d still bone Katie Holmes before or after! [1st link via Amberger]

– Love Pittsburgh AND signs? It’s yer lucky day.

– The War of the Worlds is happening sooner than you think. Be sure to lube up before we invade Uranus. [via Wanamaker]

– The voice of “please hang up and try again” revealed! Best phone sex me’ve ever had!!

– Trump, on November 9th, yer fired bizatch! Why? The Billionaire: Branson’s Quest for the Best

– And finally, you know yer mum is the bombsheet when she tells you, “It would’ve been more creative if you would have named your website Thighs Wide Open.” Thanks ma, without you keeping yer thighs wide open in November of 1977, none of this would’ve ever been possible. Love you! Send cookies!! Sorry that the above statements were far more gross than Arye Gross‘ post Soul Man career.

Collateral

No Collateral Damage Here Folks!

Michael Mann is really the man. He’s even gots an extra ‘n’ to prove it. The dude knows action and how to make pastels look good on men (see any episode of Miami Vice). While the flamingo pinks and chalk blue duds take a vacation in Collateral, the action and thrills mos certainly don’t. This flick is all that Heat should have been, but wasn’t. Everyone expected a movie with DeNiro and Pacino facing off to be the end all, but 6 1/2 hours later, we were all morerer bored than an emery board. My expectations were set on low for this one with the thought of a Jaime Foxx/white-haired Cruise teaming, but I was proved wrong twice over. Foxx is the real deal (like his Any Given Sunday character stated, “I aint going back to the bench”) and Cruise eggscelled in a rare baddie role. And when does a movie with Mark Ruffalo Wings sporting a shady mustache ever truly blow giraffe ball sweat? Never… until we saw him bang 76-year-old Meg Ryan in Jane Campion’s In the Cut. I won’t get into plot deetz, but for those of you who caught the David car-jacking ep on Six Feet Wonder, it was like that, times 3 and with more guns and gritty camera-work. This is a muss sea y’all. You want a thriller? Skip F Murray Shamaylamadingdong’s latest and set sail on this one bizotches!

Garden State

Wrong Exit On Turnpike

Why is Zach Braff being pimped-up as the next Jesus? The way people talk, you’d think that his directorial debut was Citizen Kane for the 00’s. It’s not even Reality Bites for any generation. He’s been compared to the Woodman, Hal Ashby, and posterchild for uber-coolness, Wes Anderson, but he’s more like a film student who somehow convinced Natalie Portman to pet and neck him and wear a bathing suit. Damn I wish I was a sitcom actor with connections. I’d be like “Lohan, why don’t you stop tanning and play me love interest in this movie about my home state of Maryland. I call it, The Old Line State. So sweet-teets, is you in or is you in?” And then people would hail me as the next Kubrick and post many a compliments on this .org as they do on his ‘blog’. Sure the direction was crisp, but haven’t I seen these shots in every movie of the past ten years? Sure the soundtrack rizocked, esp Simon & G-Funk’s “The Only Living Boy In New York”, but isn’t this movie about NJ and not NY? You wouldn’t even be able to tell by one frame of the entire film… cept when you hear the word ‘Newark’ in a VO or the Jersey accents that actors keep losing. And what’s with the plot? Boy disconnected with world. Mum dies. Goes home to NJ (did he really?). Ends up reconnecting. No thanks to his father Bilbo/Ian Holm, who was more wasted in this movie than Mickey Rourke in Barfly. And what’s the story with the Method Man’s back-alley peep-show cameo? Or the dude wearing knight’s armor after boning someone’s mum? Or the shirt that matches the bathroom wall? Don’t even get me firestarted. It seems like Braffster had like 312,332,176,674,434,566 cool ideas for scenes and somehow made a movie with them all. Now its time to play with letters: ‘e’ for nice effort, ‘a’ for not awful, and ‘c’ for lets wait and c what the kid comes up with next. By the way, my new b-friend Peter Sarsgaard should be in every movie ever and win every prize known to man, ever. Forever ever never battle of evermore ever!

Cube

Rubik’s Diarrheaing In His Grave

I think this was a Sci-Fi Channel original movie, but by the looks of it, a Bar Mitzvah videographer couldn’t even conjure up something this un-umcredbile. And I wish I could build a time machine and travel back to the casting call for this shitpick. They must have eggcepted the first 7 people who walked thru the door who were willing to work for Polly-O-String Cheese.

These People Were Born

1903 – gangsta banger , Eliot “Loch” Ness

1935 – Kirk Cameron’s body switching pa, Dudley “Dinty” Moore

1946 – Mr. Body, Tim “In a Hurry” Curry

1965 – Death Row Records honcho, Suge “Black” Knight

1968 – hasn’t been in one good movie, Ashley Judd “Nelson”

1979 – hasn’t been in one good movie since Almost Famous, Kate “Moscow on the” Hudson

1981 – Darth Vader to be, Hayden “Jewishnessness” Christensen

Almost more awfulller than
young Anakin, Jake Lloyd

And This Shit Happened

1909 – Joan of Arc is declared a saint. She is later traded to the Falcons for Jay Feely.

1938 – RCA-NBC begins regular television broadcasts. Must See TV back then was just seeing TV, period.

1956 – Actress Grace Kelly marries Rainier III of Monaco. This starts a long trend of hot American actressesses marrying rich dudes from Europe. This also started bad movie trends like Julia Stiles’ latest.

1971 – Charles Manson is sentenced to life in prison for the Sharon Tate murders. Thus begins a slew of parole hearings that are more bizarre than the killings. If they were ever to release a DVD of all of em, I’d buy em by the boatload.

1987 – The Simpsons make their first appearance on television, on The Tracey Ullman Show, in the short episode called “Good Night”. This is the last time you’ll see Dan Castanella in front of a camera.

1995 – Oklahoma City bombing: The Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma is bombed, killing 168. Nothing funny, so get back to work.

Charlie made being insane the in thing