Tanning Bed Spread

– Our Thighs Spies spill the beans about Her Royal Thighness from the set of Herbie: Fully Loaded. We all know she’s an overtanner, no thanks to her milky Irish complexion, but she’s also a crazy lush who has to have handlers follow her around everywhere to make sure she doesn’t go to parties. That way she won’t show up to the set all hungover and gross looking. But don’t worry hun, I’d still lick you from head to toe even if u were wearing a tunafish kitty litter g-string covered in gefilte fish. And if you want sweetsie, we can make our stambed, a tanning bed.

– And even more from the pointless Lohan news department: Lindsay Lohan’s Father Denies He Kicked in Door

– My dearest Uncle Grambzy was quoted in a NYTimes piece about Vincent Gallo… sort of.

– Jessica Cutler, aka Ms Washingtonienne aka Capitol Ho-Bag, gets the full Washington Post treatment. And what words of wisdom she gots: “I was only blogging for, what, less than two weeks? Some people with blogs are never going to get famous, and they’ve been doing it for, like, over a year. I feel bad for them.” Thankz bizotch, but some of us don’t need to suck cock to be famous. I just want to be famous for eating funnel cakes… [via Flea]

– Newsday likens Little Steven’s Garage-A-Thon MC Kim Fowley to Max Headroom. Too bad we already broke that story hours earlier bizatches!!! But czech out these fab photos they posted. And what was with all the crazy film cameras at the event (that Iggy Pop humped)? Oh, that was just director Chris Columbus (Mrs Doubtfire, and the two not-so-good Harry Potter movies) filming a doc of the whole show. Good, now I can cherish the Electric Prunes for eternity!!

– Rolling Stoned drummer, Charlie Watts, is battling throat cancer. That’s a crying shame considering the dude always looked so cool when smoking a fag (that’s British slang for homosexual/cigarette).

– What has a lot of blonde hair and a combined IQ of -6? The Paris Hilton/Nick Carter sex video.

– Imagine being the guy/gal forced to sit next to Andy Rooney at the movies…

– John Malkovich is Stanley Kubrick in Colour Me Kubrick. Be sure to watch the teaser, which is one of the wurstestest known to man.

– Stamps are cool. And in 2005, they will be even coolerer. Look for ones featuring the likes of Ronald Reagan, Henry Fonda, Greta Garbo, Arthur Ashe, Jim Henson & The Muppets, and some Disney characters.

– Phish fans abandon cars to get to the farewell shows this past weekend in VT. They say the floods caused all the problems, but I bet a truck carrying barrels of patchouli jackknifed and made the area reek of dirty hippies… before the dirty hippies showed up. Peace the fudge out to vacuum cleaner music for good!!

– Caddyshack legend Bill Baroo is sold for a measly $5,336.00. [via Navi]

– We all know about Awful Plastic Surgery (this one takes the cake), but what about Good Plastic Surgery? Either way, I’d still bone Katie Holmes before or after! [1st link via Amberger]

– Love Pittsburgh AND signs? It’s yer lucky day.

– The War of the Worlds is happening sooner than you think. Be sure to lube up before we invade Uranus. [via Wanamaker]

– The voice of “please hang up and try again” revealed! Best phone sex me’ve ever had!!

– Trump, on November 9th, yer fired bizatch! Why? The Billionaire: Branson’s Quest for the Best

– And finally, you know yer mum is the bombsheet when she tells you, “It would’ve been more creative if you would have named your website Thighs Wide Open.” Thanks ma, without you keeping yer thighs wide open in November of 1977, none of this would’ve ever been possible. Love you! Send cookies!! Sorry that the above statements were far more gross than Arye Gross‘ post Soul Man career.