The Puckering Stops Here

– Jack White was the coolest of the cool, until he started dating Puffer Fish McNasty, aka Renee Suckwager. Well, the man just got back his credibility as the two have gone splittsville. No one knows why, but I heard its cause Renee’s cheeks couldn’t hold all of Jack’s pearly white magic goo after a BJ. Honestly, Jack should just start boning his sister/ex-wife and the world will be a better place.

– So it looks like Gawker Media is the new Judaism. Why? Well with the launch of three new sites (one about stuff that moves, one about games people play, and one about crap in general) they’re only months away from controlling the media. Hey Nick, when yer ready to hit me up wit a lifetime supply of Starbursts and a roller coaster in my apt, I’m your man for the launch of Thighland: the first blog dedicated to all things thighs. [Note: I’m Jewish. As Jewish as a Bacon Crab Cheeseburger.]

– Jude Law engaged? I may have fully commit myself to women 1nce again. And did you know that Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth are getting hitched too? Who know they were even an item?

– Don’t be one of those guys who makes their own Ghostbuster proton pack this Halloween, when you can own the real thing. [via Navi]

– 2009 is already turning out to be the hottiest year ever. Conan’s taking over for Lame Leno and the Simpsons may call it quits then.

– The Q Awards were handed out and The Streets walked away empty handed, while Franz Federline mcnabbed only one. Does this signal an end to good music and a return to boy bands? Jordan Knight, stand by your phone.

– Squirrel Fishing. This can’t be legal, eggcept in countries where cocks fight.

– What do you get when you pass out drunk and that hot girl from MisShapes sits on yer face? This! (sorry if you’ve seen it before) [via My Man Marvkus]

– Dilbert: The House. Someone please explain.

– Get Carter, not the version with Stallone and Rachel Leigh Cooked to purrfection, was voted breast British film of all-time. Who votes in these polls, blind people? C’mon, you mean to tell me that From Russia With Love is butter than A Clockwork Orange? Kubrick is beating and raping himself in his grave.

– So where do you put yer money in this pair o’ Levi’s? If I have to get inventive, I’ll juss stuff some single dolla bills down the front depository. [via Willie Bragg]

Tickets Peas

– The Pixies has announced the final final final two shows on yer woolly mammoth North American tour: Saturday, December 18th (one at 7 and one at Midnight) @ Hammerstein Ballroom. The 7 show first is with Mike Watt & the Secondmen opening, and the Midnight show is with Kristin Hersh & the 50 Foot Wave opening. Tickets for both shows will go on sale Friday, October 8th through Ticketbastard.

– The Hives will be bring their megalomania to Webster Hall on November 20. Pre-sale on now (password: ‘idiot’) and general sale starts Wed @ noon.

– Jet & The Donnas are playing K-Rock’s Big Hairy Halloween Ball Rocktober 29 @ The Supper Club. Pre-sale starts Thursday. Password is ‘Booker’

And yer two stoopidiest headlines are:

– Vibrator Shuts Down Australian Airport

– Romanian Mistakenly Cuts Off Penis, Dog Eats It [via My Man Marvkus]