Thighs Wide Shut

• Tit’s official: I’m no longer Coachella bound and gagged. Me juss sold my ticket. Blame my friends who like want to get married and shiz. But when you alls are out there, eat a churro and frozen chocolate covered banana at the same time in my honor. May the thighs be with you, my children.

• 007: Blueyes?

• Lohan NOT pumping up the volume? Grow up, Heather. Bulimia’s so ’87.

• Gorillaz to tour North America this summer. No more details than that, but plenty more info on the new disc here.

• Senator Jon Corzine, David Geffen, Viacom co-chief Tom Freston, Barry Diller, Tina Brown, Gwyneth Paltrow, AND Warren Beatty to team up for a Super Blizoog? This b’sphere is gettin too redonkelous. I may have to quit the game.

• Darren Aronofsky, the next Stanley Kubrick? Dunno, but it’s safe to assume his next ditty, The Fountain, will be off the meat rack! [via AICN]

• Is Ali G a rip-off?

• The govern-mint hearts Nirvana

• Double barrel peace the fork out Prince ‘I Boned Grace Kelly & U Didn’t’ Rainier AND Saul ‘Mellow’ Bellow.

• You know what, the American version of The Office isn’t as bad as I initially thought. Last night’s ep was purty darn funny. And although she’s no Dawn Tinsley, I think I’m in love with Pam Beesly. Btw, even Google still knows which Office is bestest…

• New episodes of Six Feet Wonder begin airing June 6th, on it’s new night: Mondays!

• Peep the new Wonka TV spot.

• Somebody bought Ralphie’s house from A Christmas Story. [via Core-Vette]

• Anti Monkey Butt Powder

• Justin, I have no idear where u find all yer fine hi-res photogs (like these of Katie Holmes & her smeared lipstick), but bless you a zillion times over. If you were a woman, I’d kiss you and give u 20 minutes of finger banging pleasure. In the meantime, I’ll make love to these Mandy MO ones!! Can you say HRT the IIIrd???? Or is that spot reserved for Camilla-Parker-Bros-Bowl-Cut?

I wasn’t yankin yer alice in chains folks when I tolds you that meself was gettin an intern for the Thighs. Times are tough and I really need someone to pick up my dry cleaning, scrub the hard to reach places like my grundle, and of course, make me even more power hungry (I plan to annex Russia within the next 2 months). So me scoured all 7 corners of the earth for the breastest possible trung candidate and when I couldn’t find one, I asked my friend Pat O’Brien what qualities he looks for in a intern and he said, ‘Make sure they’re f#$king HOT!‘ At that point, he was dry humping my leg and that really wasn’t helping me to accomplish my goal. So Pat decided to call a dear friend of his and tried to set up a threesome with Betsy and well, you know the rest.

Anywho, I found a kid rummaging thru my trashcan and giving my dog a handjob and decided right on the spot that he was the Golden Child. For those who care, his name is Hardcore Matty. But from this day forward, he will simply be called THIGHS WIDE SLAVE (and I’m his Master… get it?). This is his site, this is his Live Journal, this is His Space, I’d like to get into her space, this is not a Fugazi t-shirt, this is not a love song, this is not a good movie, and this is an animated gif of Thighs Wide Slave:

I gave him an easy 1st task

Take this

And Thighzercise it

The future’s so bright Hardcore Matty
er, um, Thighs Wide Slave,
that we gotta watch Blade!

– Steve Urkel of 2004, metrosexual or heteroflexible? You be the judge.

– You’alls better pre-order the Sleepover DVD now before its sold out in stores everywhere. We’re talking Halo 2 type mania here folks!

– Bid with confidence on Munchkin Meinhardt Raabe’s umcredible hat. If only it included the munchkin as well… [via Navi The Terrible]

– Be a sport like me, and volunteer for The NYC 2012 Olympic Posee.

– Disgusted that you bought Ashlee Simpsons’ album? H.O.P.E. (Horrified Observers of Pedestrian Entertainment) is here to help! [via Cefflediddle]

– Here’s something for Ross, eater of balls, and all the rest of you olde shul gamers to enjoy: really stoopid 8-bit Nintendo flash movies (warning: site has music)! Be sure to watch the Big Bird ‘Word Up’, Bases Loaded, and Blades of Steel parody vids.

– The toy I’ve been waiting all my life for is finally a reality: Darth Vader Voice Changer Helmet. [via Laing Sack of Sh#t]

– Sacha Baron Cohen to play everyone’s flavorite Purim character? [via Fid Fisto]

– Do we really need an American version of EastEnders?

– I love (pumping) irony: Kubrick, a self-hating Jew, in Hebrew.

– Woman breastfeeds a dog. I don’t care what her reasoninging is, that’s FORKING dirtgusting!!! [via Made of Brawnstein]

– College would’ve been so much easier with Google Scholar. Do I foresee a peace the fork outtting for LexisNexis?

– Do Twinkies live forever? All the truths lie/lay here. [via Ask Yazoo]

– Need more Bitched @ Swirth action than yer humble mumbler Thigh Master is currently providing? Head on over to Seeing Double for all yer needs.

– And muchos Kudos and granola bars to Using Tony’s Computer for dropping in the comments box this udder HOTtiestnessness (YOU BETTER CLICK OR ELSE) of Cuthy Cuthbert&ernie getting her groove back like Stella. I’ve already had 14.7 wet daydreams today after looking at it and my workmates are starting to wonder why there’s a giant pile of glue near desk!!! But sadly, that may be our lastest magic moment together as a couple. It could be time to give Her Royal Thighness The II the ole heave-HO-bag. How could you do this to your hair dearest deario without even consulting me, your lil anal fisting king, first? I had to hear of this tragic news from Cullenigan (wo)Man, a dear and loyal subject of Thighland. Shame on you!! If I were you, I’d start packing yer 3,563456,35 pairs of shoes and other assorted crap, cause come Monday, I’ll make my final decision whether you stay or you vincent van gogh-go the FORK AWAY!! What a HORRIBILISTICally weak end this is already shaping up to be.

Vera Drake

Abortions R Us

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Director Mike Leigh is the master of the depressing British lower class movie genre. He also happens to be one of the most under appreciated directors out there. He also looks like an owl. An like an owl, he gives a hoot about things. Things like said lower class families and their struggles, which isn’t eggzactly a recipe for Hollywood success, but den again that’s what makes him an umcredible filmmaker, unlike say, McG. And If you need to play Mike Leigh catchup, Netflix Meantime, Naked, or my personal fav, All or Nothing. And whenever his next film comes out, you can easily add Vera Drake to that list as well. That’s right, Leigh strikes cinematic gold again. This is by far one of the finest dramas of the year. Here’s how the story goes: lil ole Vera (I smell Oscar nom for you Imelda Staunton!) is the perfect mum, wife, and daughter. She’s always quick to the kettle to fix u a spot of tea or give u a lil nibble before dinner starts, and all with the widest smile. So you call that a story? Juss wait, cause we qwikly learn that Vera, out of the pure kindness of her heart, helps out young poor girls who can’t afford proper abortions. Not any back-alley stizz like Beck’s performance at Coachella mind you, but not eggzactly legal in post WWII England kind either. No one in her family knows she does such a thing and why do they need to know? Unless they’re on a need to know basis. Anywhozitz, days go by, abortions happen, and more cups of tea are poured. Then one day, something goes awry and one of her ‘patients’ almost dies after the deed. The police come a knockn’ and Vera and her close knit family’s world comes crumbling down. That’s all I’ll say, besides get yer a$$ to the theater and see this now! Bravo Mike Leigh.

Recommended for those who like: women’s right to choose, massive amounts of tea, or choosing the perfect first date movie that won’t begat a second date (like what happened when my comrade Soul Jonkin took some chick on a 1st date to see Kevin Bacon get evil on lil kids’ backsides in Sleepers).

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix In The Name of the Father.

Finding Neverland

Hooked On Peter Pansies

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I was a bit skeptical of where things were going as soon as I saw Johnny Depp dancing with a dog to merely entertain Kate Winslet’s four precocious lil British tykes, but as the movie marched on, the magic of JM Barrie’s imagination was enuff to bring me to tears by the end. Sure there’s nothing Oscar nom worthy here, and Marc Foster’s direction was a bit uneven (coming from the guy who gave us Halle Berry and Billy Bob Thornton ODB dirty raw-style boning in Monsters Ball), and yeah it was a bit on the cheezy-whiz side, but there’s enuff here to appeal to those of all ages looking for an escape from our daily lives, juss like the story of… Peter Pan! And if yer jonesing for even mo Johnny Depp and Freddie Highmore (the kid who played Peter, JM’s muse) action, u juss wait, cause they play Willy Wonka and Charlie Bucket in the Tim Burton remake coming out next year.

Recommended for those who like: men who play with children in a non-sexual way, seeing Gareth Keenan in a movie, or to live out their Diane from Trainspotting dressing in green tights fantasies.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Mike Leigh’s whimsical Topsy-Turvy. But whatever you do, don’t Netflix Hook.

Good Bye Lenin!

Hello Great Rental!

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The premise is frocking frantastic: a highly proud socialist single mother raises her two kids in the hell that is ’80s East Germany. Right before the Berlin wall is about to crumble, the mother has a heart attack and slips into a coma. The doctors warn that another attack could finish her off for good, so when she awakes from the coma, she should be as stress free as possible. Her ever loving son makes it his mission to see that this doesn’t happen by pretending that the wall never fell at all. He goes to great lengths, despite being surrounded in a newly capitalistic East Germany filled with Coca-Cola and other delights we consume daily. For example, when he discovers that his mumsy’s favorite pickles are no longer sold in their area, he buys a different brand and places the gerks in an old bottle of mom’s preferred brand. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is. With crisp direction by Wolfgang Becker and super-delicious set design by some other German, this is a lil gem that’s purrrfect for yer home viewing pleasure. I also wanna note that Daniel Brühl, who played the son, is my new mos favortiestest male German actor (PEACE THE FORK OUT Moritz Bleibtreu)… it also doesn’t hurt that he looks like my pal Dickey Greenleaf the II and has an umlaut in his name. Best of luck kid, or should I say, mein herr.

Recommended for those who like: German Burger Kings, Kubrick references, or pickles.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Run Lola Run.

The Shaft

They say this elevator Shaft is a bad mother

SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

Sadly, No Trailer Available

I was introduced to our next film to the tune of “one of the best worst movies ever“. And boy was that preface bona fide and boner staboneafied! I think I’m also the 14th person to ever see this movie, not including cast and crew. And lemme tell YOU some-tang, the cast is second to none, (with all due respect to Murder By Death). Here’s a horribly written rundown of who and what: AWOL military man Michael Ironside (!) and elevator repair shop owner Ron Perlman (!) team up to install a top secret microchip with a brain, which had previously been tested on dolphins (?), into an elevator shaft of the Millennium Building (think Empire State Building), which in turn turns the elevator in to a one man Otis killing and torture machine. So James Hurley from Twin Peaks and some actor named Eric Thal, who coincendentally works for The Beast Perlman, are called in to fix the elevator from all this crazy Elevator Action by Edward Herrmann (Max, the head vampire/proprietor of Max’ Video in The Lost Boys),

who’s under a lot of heat by Lt. McBain, played by Nick Tortelli/Dan Hedaya, and all of this catches the eyes and ears of hot shot reporter Naomi Watts Hotts. Confused? Great. I won’t reveal anything more, CAUSE YOU SHOULD GO AND NETFLIX THIS ASAP & WARREN SAPP! Did I mention that this film marks uber-licious/fellow Marylander/ex-ESPNer Melissa Stark Nakkidness’ debut and still only appearance on the silver screen? What a waste. Had I made Mulholland Dr, it would have been Watts on top of Stark… nekkid (i promise, that’s the last stark nekkid joke… of the day)

Recommended for those who like: to see Dick Maas remake his own 1983 movie called De Lift, horrible acting, or Mother Brain from Metroid.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix my personal favorite breastestist wurstestist movies Zardoz or Leonard Part 6 (not available on DVD. BOOOOOO!).

Young Adam

NC-YaLater-17

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Dying to see a movie about boring people who live on a sail barge that aren’t named Jabba? Or how bout seeing Ewan McGregor’s penis, AGAIN? Or Tilda Swinton in her birthday suit (look, I love her as an actress, but not as a sex kitten?)? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz times microwaved tunafish divided by 7. Although I did quite enjoy watching the scene where young Obi Wan gets miffed, takes off Emily Mortimer Hottiermer‘s clothes, pours ketchup and custard on her body, and then has his way with her.

Recommended for those who like: boring, being bored, or emery boards.

Unsatisfied with this? Before you slit yer eyes out, watch this instead.

Birth

aka Sean of the Dead

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Nicole Kidman’s husband croaks. Ten years later she’s all set to get married again, until the day a 10 year old (non precocious) boy shows up at her door claiming to be her dead husband Sean. At first she dismisseseses this as a crude joke, but the lil boy seems to know his shit about the days of their lives and juss won’t let her be. Eventually Nic Kid finds herself falling, yes falling, for the kid. On paper this movie sounds more recockulus than the BoSox winning a World Series, but movies aren’t watched on paper, they’re watched in theaters, and it was (love) actually believable on screen. And snot only that, but yer humble mumbler, The Thigh Master Blaster, attended the North American pre-shmear screening with Kidman and co-star Lauren Bacall in tow! With so much star power in the room, they had to shut down 50 blocks of Manhattan. Anywho, while some in the audience were bored to tears, I found it to be one of the most entrancing movies I’ve seen in awhile. So entrancing, that I often found my hand stroking my chin in pensive thought. It was directed with a crisp and slow-paced style by music video whiz Jonathan Glazer (Radiohead’s ‘Karma Police’ and Blur’s ‘The Universal) that was reminiscent of Kubrick’s Eyes Wide Shut (no relation to this site ;). There was also one scene in particular when Kidman’s fiancé flips his lid and attacks the lil boy Sean in front of a group of socialites. This reminded me of the scene in Kubrick’s Barry Lyndon where the title character is provoked by his stepson and lunges on him in front of a group of socialites, thus shredding his standing in society. Now I aint saying Glazer is the next Kubrick, especially since the ending left much to be resolved, but there’s enuff here for me to give it semi-high marks. Them things include: Nic’s Mia Farrow’s pixie do ala Rosemary’s Baby, an egggggsalad score, the return of Anne Heche, the fact that they gave me free popcorn, and casting one of my favorite lil known Non-Us-Hotties Cara Seymour in the role of Sean’s mum.

Recommended for those who like: seeing snow in Central Park, Peter Stormare with an American accent, and lil boys in bathtubs.

Unsatisfied with this? See p.s., as it looks like the same movie!

Sideways

2 Bottles Away From Being Amazing

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Lettuce compare this movie to a bottle of wine since it’s pretty much the co-star of the entire film. At first we admire the label. Some ooohs and ahs come to mind when you see that its from writer/director Alexander Payne’s vineyard. We should expect sensible and heartfelt characters in situations that we can all easily relate to. Then you notice that it stars Paul Giamatti. Even butter!! I mean anyone whose work ranges from Pig Vomit to Harvey Pekar is a friggin character actor and a 3/4ths! So we uncork the bottle, pour a teentsy bit into our glasses, sniff and take a small taste aka get a feel for the flick. Our two proton-agonyists, down on his luck Pig Vomit and lothario actor Lowell Mather from TV’s Wings, head off for a week of wine and golf before Lowell gets all hitched at stuff (don’t worry, a 10 year old girl doesn’t arrive claiming to be his dead wife). But Lowell has some other ideas on how to spend his last week and he won’t let Pig Vomit’s depression stand in his way. Basically he’s going to replace the golf with girls. Seems like the recipe for a vintage bottle to me, but as was continue to sip, the taste becomes vaguely familiar and wees know what to eggspect even before we’re done drinking our glass. Not only that, but the taste is a tad uneven. There’s some sweet moments here, some morsels of humor there, and a lil emotion tossed in, but nothing really stands out over the other, or should I say is outstanding. Then as we take our final intake of el vino aka the final act, something finally registers, but its too late cause the credits are already rolling. Sideways aint no two Buck Chuck, but it mos certainly aint no Chateau d’Yquem either.

Recommended for those who like: Pig Vomit movies, California geography, and wine not from a box

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Bachelor Party

Palindromes

ThismovieblowsgoatstaogswolbeivomsihT

To be released in April 2005

No trailer available

While Alexander Payne makes movies where you can identify with the characters and situations, Todd Solondz is on the other end of that spectrum. Solondz’es movies are filled with painful people, doing painful things, in the most painful situations that we all pray will never ever happen in our lifetimes. What is you forking deal bro? Did mumsy and daddy beat you with a sock filled with walnuts? Did your wicked uncle Ernie fiddle about with you? Out of his three previous flicks, Welcome To The Dollhouse, Happiness, and Storytelling, only that last one was remotely watchable, meaning I didn’t have to take 16 showers afterwards just to feel clean again. I was hoping that trend would continue here, but sadly (more like gladly) that was not the case. Solondz goes right back to ugliness that no one really needs to intake. Here’s the dreadful story this go around: an awkward young teenage girl named Aviva gets pregnant, parents force her to abort, then she runs away to discover… gawd knows what: pedophiles, religious crusaders, abortion doctor killahs, and a Partridge Familyesque collection of handicaps and mentally retarded kids. If that’s not enuff to make you slit yer eyes out w/out even seeing it, how bout the fact that the actress who plays Aviva, changes 7 or more times! First she’s a lil chubby black girl, then a dumpy white girl, then a skinny white girl with red hair, then some other white girl, then a huge-ass black girl, etc. and finally Jennifer Jason Leigh?!?!??? WTF? Egggzactly. Stay home and cut off your ears instead. That would be more enjoyable and you’d still have 10 bones in yer pocket.

Recommended for those who like: torturing themselves, the sound of fingernails on a chalk board, and Lyndie England’s hot bod

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix any other movie in eggsistance as I guarantee it’ll be better

Team America: World Police

Pull The Strings!!

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I loathe puppets (snas Jim Henson’s universe). I’m frightened to death of marionettes. I can’t even stand watching South Park. How on earth did I ever end up seeing this? Good question, but its too late to answer that as the deed has already freddy been done. And? Mos def the finestest puppet movie I have ever seen. Napoleon Dynamite is still the Hugo Boss of comedies this year, but I’d have to say this is in the top 3. If I was on AOL IM during the movie, I would have typed in LOL at least a dozen times. And if I were at home, my pants would’ve been around my ankles during the in-famous sex scene. Who knew puppets could be sexy!! The songs were franztastic (the slow version of ‘America, F*%k Yeah’ hispecially). And muchos kudos to the puppeteers who gave their stringed friends more human qualities than any of the characters is Star Wars Eps I or II combined. But nothings perfect. The larfs disappeared towards the end and the attacks on the Hollywood stars were kinda weak. Just cause a puppet looks like Helen Hunt or Tim Robbins, doesn’t mean you pretty much stop there with that bit. Plus since I’m a lover of all things Asian, eggcept cartoons, I say its a big nish-nish to make fun of the way they speak. I’d like to see them try to speak Mandarin Chinese or eat a Mandarin Orange and speak Korean, or eat out a Korean and speak Esperanto.

Recommended for those who like: TV’s Thunderbirds, Hans Blix, and bushy eyebrows

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Kung Pow

The Notebook

More of a Three Ringed Binder Than a Three Ringed Circus

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Rich girl meets poor boy. Rich family doesn’t like poor boy. Poor boy goes away. Rich girl about to marry other rich man years later. Poor boy reappears. Rich girl must choose. Who does she choose? Hmm, if she choose rich boy, movie basically stoopid. So guess who rich girl choose. Hint, it’s the dude who played a Jewish Nazi. File under cheesy films that you could possibly watch with yer girlfriend.

Recommended for those who like: Rachel McAdams in roles that may sirprize you, James Marsden without those lame-o Cyclops goggles, and the sound of one hand clapping

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Big Fish