Kidman-Tested Mother-Disapproved

Birth

aka Sean of the Dead

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Nicole Kidman’s husband croaks. Ten years later she’s all set to get married again, until the day a 10 year old (non precocious) boy shows up at her door claiming to be her dead husband Sean. At first she dismisseseses this as a crude joke, but the lil boy seems to know his shit about the days of their lives and juss won’t let her be. Eventually Nic Kid finds herself falling, yes falling, for the kid. On paper this movie sounds more recockulus than the BoSox winning a World Series, but movies aren’t watched on paper, they’re watched in theaters, and it was (love) actually believable on screen. And snot only that, but yer humble mumbler, The Thigh Master Blaster, attended the North American pre-shmear screening with Kidman and co-star Lauren Bacall in tow! With so much star power in the room, they had to shut down 50 blocks of Manhattan. Anywho, while some in the audience were bored to tears, I found it to be one of the most entrancing movies I’ve seen in awhile. So entrancing, that I often found my hand stroking my chin in pensive thought. It was directed with a crisp and slow-paced style by music video whiz Jonathan Glazer (Radiohead’s ‘Karma Police’ and Blur’s ‘The Universal) that was reminiscent of Kubrick’s Eyes Wide Shut (no relation to this site ;). There was also one scene in particular when Kidman’s fiancé flips his lid and attacks the lil boy Sean in front of a group of socialites. This reminded me of the scene in Kubrick’s Barry Lyndon where the title character is provoked by his stepson and lunges on him in front of a group of socialites, thus shredding his standing in society. Now I aint saying Glazer is the next Kubrick, especially since the ending left much to be resolved, but there’s enuff here for me to give it semi-high marks. Them things include: Nic’s Mia Farrow’s pixie do ala Rosemary’s Baby, an egggggsalad score, the return of Anne Heche, the fact that they gave me free popcorn, and casting one of my favorite lil known Non-Us-Hotties Cara Seymour in the role of Sean’s mum.

Recommended for those who like: seeing snow in Central Park, Peter Stormare with an American accent, and lil boys in bathtubs.

Unsatisfied with this? See p.s., as it looks like the same movie!

Sideways

2 Bottles Away From Being Amazing

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Lettuce compare this movie to a bottle of wine since it’s pretty much the co-star of the entire film. At first we admire the label. Some ooohs and ahs come to mind when you see that its from writer/director Alexander Payne’s vineyard. We should expect sensible and heartfelt characters in situations that we can all easily relate to. Then you notice that it stars Paul Giamatti. Even butter!! I mean anyone whose work ranges from Pig Vomit to Harvey Pekar is a friggin character actor and a 3/4ths! So we uncork the bottle, pour a teentsy bit into our glasses, sniff and take a small taste aka get a feel for the flick. Our two proton-agonyists, down on his luck Pig Vomit and lothario actor Lowell Mather from TV’s Wings, head off for a week of wine and golf before Lowell gets all hitched at stuff (don’t worry, a 10 year old girl doesn’t arrive claiming to be his dead wife). But Lowell has some other ideas on how to spend his last week and he won’t let Pig Vomit’s depression stand in his way. Basically he’s going to replace the golf with girls. Seems like the recipe for a vintage bottle to me, but as was continue to sip, the taste becomes vaguely familiar and wees know what to eggspect even before we’re done drinking our glass. Not only that, but the taste is a tad uneven. There’s some sweet moments here, some morsels of humor there, and a lil emotion tossed in, but nothing really stands out over the other, or should I say is outstanding. Then as we take our final intake of el vino aka the final act, something finally registers, but its too late cause the credits are already rolling. Sideways aint no two Buck Chuck, but it mos certainly aint no Chateau d’Yquem either.

Recommended for those who like: Pig Vomit movies, California geography, and wine not from a box

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Bachelor Party

Palindromes

ThismovieblowsgoatstaogswolbeivomsihT

To be released in April 2005

No trailer available

While Alexander Payne makes movies where you can identify with the characters and situations, Todd Solondz is on the other end of that spectrum. Solondz’es movies are filled with painful people, doing painful things, in the most painful situations that we all pray will never ever happen in our lifetimes. What is you forking deal bro? Did mumsy and daddy beat you with a sock filled with walnuts? Did your wicked uncle Ernie fiddle about with you? Out of his three previous flicks, Welcome To The Dollhouse, Happiness, and Storytelling, only that last one was remotely watchable, meaning I didn’t have to take 16 showers afterwards just to feel clean again. I was hoping that trend would continue here, but sadly (more like gladly) that was not the case. Solondz goes right back to ugliness that no one really needs to intake. Here’s the dreadful story this go around: an awkward young teenage girl named Aviva gets pregnant, parents force her to abort, then she runs away to discover… gawd knows what: pedophiles, religious crusaders, abortion doctor killahs, and a Partridge Familyesque collection of handicaps and mentally retarded kids. If that’s not enuff to make you slit yer eyes out w/out even seeing it, how bout the fact that the actress who plays Aviva, changes 7 or more times! First she’s a lil chubby black girl, then a dumpy white girl, then a skinny white girl with red hair, then some other white girl, then a huge-ass black girl, etc. and finally Jennifer Jason Leigh?!?!??? WTF? Egggzactly. Stay home and cut off your ears instead. That would be more enjoyable and you’d still have 10 bones in yer pocket.

Recommended for those who like: torturing themselves, the sound of fingernails on a chalk board, and Lyndie England’s hot bod

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix any other movie in eggsistance as I guarantee it’ll be better

Team America: World Police

Pull The Strings!!

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I loathe puppets (snas Jim Henson’s universe). I’m frightened to death of marionettes. I can’t even stand watching South Park. How on earth did I ever end up seeing this? Good question, but its too late to answer that as the deed has already freddy been done. And? Mos def the finestest puppet movie I have ever seen. Napoleon Dynamite is still the Hugo Boss of comedies this year, but I’d have to say this is in the top 3. If I was on AOL IM during the movie, I would have typed in LOL at least a dozen times. And if I were at home, my pants would’ve been around my ankles during the in-famous sex scene. Who knew puppets could be sexy!! The songs were franztastic (the slow version of ‘America, F*%k Yeah’ hispecially). And muchos kudos to the puppeteers who gave their stringed friends more human qualities than any of the characters is Star Wars Eps I or II combined. But nothings perfect. The larfs disappeared towards the end and the attacks on the Hollywood stars were kinda weak. Just cause a puppet looks like Helen Hunt or Tim Robbins, doesn’t mean you pretty much stop there with that bit. Plus since I’m a lover of all things Asian, eggcept cartoons, I say its a big nish-nish to make fun of the way they speak. I’d like to see them try to speak Mandarin Chinese or eat a Mandarin Orange and speak Korean, or eat out a Korean and speak Esperanto.

Recommended for those who like: TV’s Thunderbirds, Hans Blix, and bushy eyebrows

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Kung Pow

The Notebook

More of a Three Ringed Binder Than a Three Ringed Circus

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Rich girl meets poor boy. Rich family doesn’t like poor boy. Poor boy goes away. Rich girl about to marry other rich man years later. Poor boy reappears. Rich girl must choose. Who does she choose? Hmm, if she choose rich boy, movie basically stoopid. So guess who rich girl choose. Hint, it’s the dude who played a Jewish Nazi. File under cheesy films that you could possibly watch with yer girlfriend.

Recommended for those who like: Rachel McAdams in roles that may sirprize you, James Marsden without those lame-o Cyclops goggles, and the sound of one hand clapping

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Big Fish