Thighs Wide Shut

After losing my snoop joppy job on Friday I wished I could’ve had Scotty beam me to the 4th Annual Lebowski Fest in Louisville, KY this past weekend. But alas, Scotty had to go and czech out on us and thus leave this year’s fetives rather Thigh-Less. Apparently the show went on without me and the boys as there were plenty of other characters abound like the suspect usuals, camel jockeys, the Folger’s can carrying Donnie’s remains, the JO book, and the best of them all, the white Russian. The only positive thing I can think to say about my absence is that this toe was spared my harassment and constant attempts to try to lick and bloody her crotch region more than it already was.

• Speaking of hot, yet inappropriate things, The Smoking Gun dug up some 1977 testimony from Roman Polanski 13-year old rape victim, Samantha Gailey. Sure, Roman is a pedicured pedophile times pi R squared, but isn’t a 13-year old girl who previously had had sex twice before, tried Quaaludes, and refers to oral sex on a girl as ‘cuddliness’ a bit of the mark as well? Plus she spoke out in his defense before his PenisPianist would take home a bunch of ’03 Oscar gold. By the lame, how the forkspoons did Chicago beat Piani AND LOTR: The Two Towers for Best Pic? Well, I guess I can still be happy that Gangs of New York shit the bed that night.

• Sprekenze hot, yet no longer inappropriate things, everyone’s flavorite (Disclaimer: everyone = me + Her Royal Russian The III) faux-lesbo Russian wet dream team, t.A.T.u. are going to drop their long awaited 2nd album Dangerous and Moving on the 18th of Rocktober.

• Spankinze of people no longer with cash, you can get Horshack, Mr Belding, Otho from Beetlejuice, and many more F-listers to call one of your loved ones or enemies, thru the genius Hollywood Is Calling [via Double Liking]

• (belated) Peace the fork out of your TV Dinner

• The people have spoken this past weekend with their ticket buying power and say no way Michael Bay. And I was juss starting to think Americans had no taste. Then again, a Vince Vaughn vehicle has already netted 80.9 mils in only two weeks of work. By the not michael bay, forget to mention in our review, big ups to Tim Burton for throwing a couple o’ Kubrick props in The Choco Factory.

• The me hath spoken when I say that last nite’s Six Feet was wUnderful (almost time for Nate to show Hedwig/Fraggle/Mary Gross/Brenda the door!), and Entourage remains one the most over-hyped pieces of junk that’s somehow totally watchable. But if they leep puttin Mandy Moore on the show, I may have to declare it the best series since Twin Peaks.

• Have you peepened the V For Vendetta trailer? Screw Kong cause V is for VAWESOME!!! And if V lived somewhere it would be VAWESOME’S CREEK!!

• Patchouli heads west for Halloween [via Bill]

• ESPN & Ben Widdicombe don’t know shit from Sharapova [see 2nd item down]

• NY Times give some times to Sacha Baron Cohen

• My visual idea of Heaven: the Fiery Furnaces pose in front of The Cyclone

• Repeat: Rooney, out of his league

• Name sure to be missing from many a Fantasy Football drafts: Adimchinobe Echemandu [via Wannamaker]

• Eight Men Out trading cards

• Too Brian Pepperishly gross to be real [via The Zach Attack]

• Appy polly loges, but had to drop a 2nd TSG link cause they always have the A1 mug shots: Goldsmeller

• Ackbar strikes again

• I was this close to plastering this HOT PIC OF A GIRL STICKING CORN UP HER WHOOTANANNY all up on this site so you’d get canned from your jobs too, but decided to play it safe with the following pic, which came from this greatness collection of strange 70s ABBAesque boy bands. [via Made of Brawny and Richard the Richie]

• While I was ruth buzzi stalking Jimmy Smits, and Jimmy Smits was busy philipps stalking America (dude was EVERYWHERE, from Live8, to my sis’ wedding, to A Capitol 4th, to reruns of that great SNL skit where everyone was over-pronouncing words of hispanic origin in his presence), the globe continued to spin. Kobayashi underperformed, yet walked away with his 5th straight Mustard Belt at Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest, Hank Stram, a man with a whorrible hair piece, but who always looked kewl on NFL Filmstock, peaced le fork out, and 7-11 officially opened for bidness in Mannyhattan.

[photoe via Chillary G]
• How could Hollyweird possib-bly transform Wedding Crashers into a watchable flick? Replace Owen Wilson and Vince Be-Gone-Vaughn with Guns n’ Rosenthal and yers drooly, respectively. Don’t bee leave me? Watch the revamped trailer and then tell me I’m crazier than Crazy Eddie licking Krazy Glue. [via Mr Guns himself]

• Da Ali G Show: Da Compleet Second Seazon will FRYNALLY be released on DVD, September 13th. Somehow it won’t be the same when he refers to MLK Jr as Martin Luther Vandross.

• We now have visual evidence that proves Tom Hanks was a poor choice for da Da Vinci Code mooovie.

• Lohag needs to stop playing truth or dare

• Bloc Party have recorded 2 new songs. And with that, the masturbation rate has jumped 63% amongst the hipsters and bloggers phylum.

• Mblem, aka FMMBMM: clothes For Mandy Moore, By Mandy Moore [via the Doug Fluter]

• Live in Chi-town? Lucky bastards, cause u can eat Lou Mal’s whenever u please and now you have the special op to check out 13 of Kubrick’s joints as part of a month-long retrospective at the Gene Siskel Film Center. I waited ages to see my last Kubrick film, Barry Lyndon, on the big screen, and it was an effin magical eggspearance. So if you haven’t explored his works cause either u have no taste or are a complete idjiot, now’s yer effin chance. I mean, what else you gonna do, go to Lollapalooza?

• Coldplay hates Chardonnay, but loves them some dark cotton socks!

• Commercial that may end up being hottier than Paris’ Carl’s Jr one: Lucy Pinder & Walker’s Crisps. Note to British people: when this shiz airs, please find it for me and send it my way.

• 50 Fun Things To Do Wit Yer iPod

• My search continues for actual game cards from McDonalds’ Dick Tracy Crime Stopper Game, but this aint 1/2 bad.

• Do subliminal tapes played while you sleep really work? Cecil goes to work

• Florida Man Arrested After Leaving Marijuana As Tip For Coffee [via Steve Bartman Hater #1]

• Polaroid-o-nizer

• Phallic Logo Awards [via Brock Lee]

• North Korean Bodyguard [vid via Itzr Mr Authoring Machine]

• Some are claiming that the big news on Wednesday will be the naming of the host city for the 2012 Summer Games (not to b confused with the hit game by Epyx in the 80s). [Be sure to check out The Chad’s handicapping of the field of five] Well, the nations of the world, in ca-hootz with the Peoples Republic of Thighland, would like you to think just that. You see, all that flubb-bubb and hubb-bubb is all juss smoke and cocaine mirrors for the real news that will send the AP wires haywire: the selection of Her Royal Thighness The IIIrd. Yes, a timetable has been set and we’re sticking to it. And I think the selection will turn some (penis) heads. In the meantime (not to be confused with that one decent Helmet album), as I help her back her bags and tea bag the hell outta her for the last time, I leave you with the single greatest snap-ple of Cuthbest I have ever laid thighs on.

[want more from the clizz-as-sack collection?]

• Do I think that Junior Senior is dynamite? Yes, and I think they’re outta sight, as well. Sure, they name check themselves more than Ice-T’s rock outfit Body Count did, but after catching their blitzkrieg of toe-tappin’n, head-bobbin’n, and outrageous funin’n at the Mercury Lounge last night, I’m ready to elevate these crizz-azzy-arsed Danes into my inner circle of most flavorite current bands (alongside Air, Blur, Fiery Furnaces, and LCD Soundsystem R.E.M.). As usual, I was late to the party with these bob fellers. I had heard the awesomeness of ‘Move Your Feet‘ [d-lode], but had no idea who the fork sang it til I saw their debut, D-D-Don’t Don’t Stop the Beat, grace Ms Mod’s Best of ’03 list. Since I trust her more than internets inventors, duhvs course I was gonna buy the dang thing and fall in love with it instantly, like when I first eyed dearest Cuthbest, who was playing chess with her father Jack, sometime between 12:00 A.M.-1:00 A.M.. Moral of that aside? Buy the album and shake yer friggin coconuts. Wrap-up of the show? The sound board dude refused to give me the set list, but they played 4 new songs, which all sound like good things to come. Plus, Senior (the Senior of Junior Senior) could be the coolest guy on earth. He looks like the love child of Josh Homme, D-Day from Animal House, and Rip Taylor, AND has more energy than Howlin’ Pelle Almqvist AND ConEd combined. These guys are so fun in concert that if I had a son and he was 13, they’d be playing his Bar Mitzvah. It would make for a night more dynamite than this so-called ‘Junior Senior Dynamite Nite’‘.

• Another sign football is round the corner: bore-fessional basketball’s season is over.

• a-ha to play its first US show since ROCKTOBER OF ’86!!! The lucky place? Irving Platz, in NYCyou there! The better play a 90-minute version of ‘Take On Me’.

• Zissou crewman, Bowie enthusiast, and all-around knockout, Seu Jorge returns to America this Zeptember for a lil tourski. He’ll chip in 2 shows at Bowery Bestroom. [via Aeki T]

• Trend of the week: overeggsposed young hotties’ uncles. They should count their lucky stars their uncles aint wicked.

• Lohag removed from Herbie posters. Now if we could only wave the magic wand and remove her from the media spotlight.

• Here’s a teaser for premiere of the King Kong trailer.

• Terrible: Land of the Dead review, by Gene Siskel [scroll down a bit]

• One man’s search for Kubrick’s Overlook Hotel [via 5 Things via Double Vikers]

• ‘Antonio said I looked like a monster.’

• Seen Bandwagon Boy’s Friendster profile? Probably not since me and my man Marv make up 25% of his friends.

• The 00s are a lot like the 70s, cept people were more nekkid, more famous, and more hairier back then. [ideas and links via Veganese]

• And we’ll spank it like it was 1979

• Is it me, or is Chris Evans wearing novelty glasses?

• And what’s all this buzz I hear about DiCaprio taking over for Arnie in Terminator 4? Maybe this time around he’ll kill Claire Danes instead of henry kissing her.

• What’s the greatest computer-based game of all thymes? No doubt the one that our 4th grade Social Studies teachers ‘forced’ us play back in the mid 80s: Oregon Trail. I mean, who didn’t try to kill their family off as qwikly as humanly possible, by starvation, disease, drowning, or at the hands of them evil Injuns?? I loved the game so much that when I gots to high school (the one ranked 11th best in the country) and had Journalism for 7th period, we’d all get passes to go to the library to do ‘research’, aka, play the deluxe mid 90s version of the game. Sometimes we’d get the passes, leave school, smoke mad blunts and eat lots of Doritos, but that’s another story for another time. Anywho, major spanks to Double Viking for digging up a version u can play right on yer computer!! Now if only someone could dig up Archon or Carmen Sandiego for me, cause I’m too darn busy playing Where’s Peabs [via Senor Grambs] to find dem other games myself. In the meantime, I’m gonna party like it’s 1849!!

• VAUGHN UPSET HIS CAMEO IN MR + MRS SMITH WAS LEAKED

• THIGH MASTER UPSET VAUGHN HAS CAREER

• David Gray and his sweet-arsed voice are going on tour. Too bad I can only think of Cuthbest in the back seat of a car getting railed by that quiche-bag [very end o’ clip] when I hear ‘This Year’s Love’. Anywho, here be the dates:

1st August: Toronto, The Carlu (General on sale 17th June)
2nd August: New York, Webster Hall (General On sale 22nd June)
4th August: Boston, Avalon (General On sale 24th June)
5th August: Philadelphia, Merriam Theatre (General on sale 18th June)
6th August: Washington DC, 9:30 Club (General on sale 30th June)
8th August: Chicago, Vic Theatre (General on sale 25th June)
9th August: Minneapolis, State Theatre (General on sale 25th June)
14th August: Seattle, Moore Theatre (General on sale 7th July)
16th August: San Francisco, The Fillmore (General on sale 10th July)
17th August: LA, John Anson Ford Theatre (General on sale 9th July)

• Like seeing Alba in that tight-arsed blue suit? You may get yer chance to see in twice more over the next 12 years! Like seeing whorreible Alba photoshop? You get yer chance right now! [info via IM]

• What is sure to be the weirdest thing mt everest? Bjork’s sdtrk to hubby Matthew Barney’s latest Drawing Restraint 9. Sign me up NOW!

• There were sequels to Clockwork Oranges? No, juss two rip-offs: La Gang Dell’ Arancia Meccanica & Una Gute De Sangre Para Morir Amando (aka Clockwork Terror), which actually starred Sue Lyon who played the title character in Kubrick’s Lolita!

• What did the Cream reunion sound like? Find out fo yo self! But no sunshine of my love for ‘Anyone For Tennis’? That would’ve been nice.

• Hugh Jackman looking at Rachel Weisz in the snow!!?@!#? This IS gonna be Aronofsky’s bestest!

• Arcade Fire to re-release their ole EP. No tracks contain the word ‘neighborhood’. Not related: Synappies’ list of his flavorite NFL player names: Atari Bigby

• Celebrity tongues. Warning: the Brittany Murphy ones may blind you… unless u peep these other random ani gifs 1st!

• Tell Harry to cast a spell and make you 18 already!

• I bet on super-Earth their version of Lindsay Lohan doesn’t look like a cracked out whorebag!

• The annotated guide to BJ’s ‘We Didn’t Start The Fire’ [via MonkeyMan]

• I kinda feel sorry for the Old Kids On the Block. Hispecially the one who likes like Joel Grey ala Cabaret, avec soul patch.

• Please tell me this is true: Six minutes of exercise a week ‘is as good as six hours’. Cause I get about 12 minutes of quality hand relief every 2 hours. [via Newz of da Weird]

• Why pay to see The Island, when u can go for free (select cities). Same goes for NYCers with David LaChapelle’s Rize

• Triumph @ the Jackson Trial

• And if I ran Hollywurst, I’d make the ultimate Mask movie, starring a mishapeneded Eric Stoltz, a green Jamie Kennedy, the van-dyke-stached Jack White [via Mod], and the OG cast of The Iron Mask. This could be the bestest movie idea I’ve had since Leonard Parts I-V or that giraffe thingie.

…speaking of, how come the DVD release of the bestest Bill Cosby on an ostrich film flew completely under my Thighdar and the rest of the world’s presses? This could be the biggest DVD release since the original Star Warseses!! So don’t tom delay, buy twoday!

• I’ve heard rumors on the internets and thru nia peoples that Bojangles’ fried chicken is better than Popeyes’. I haven’t had the pleasure of trying Bo’s, so I can’t weigh in on this blasphemous propaganda, but it’s safe to say they are both better than KFC (sorry Dodge). Anywho, seems like the Bojangles’ empire are expanding like the waists of their patrons and have even added a few booty assed Maryland locations and one in Brooklyn, so we can soon put all these nasty rumors to rest!! I may actually get my Bo’s breast and thighs on when I’m in NC this tweakend for El Hofbergo/Natanay’s wedding. Man, I haven’t been this eggstatic since word of Fatburger’s invasion of the East Coast! Now if only we could get a Steak ‘n Shake & Waffle House in Times Sq!!!!

• Tom Cruise is officially a public relations nightmare. Watch the Oprah madness again and watch Dane Cook take on the TC madness! [2nd via ONTD]

• How Mark Felt Became ‘Deep Throat’, by Bobby Woodward & Lothrop

• Sorry, but the list should read: Kubrick, Hitchcock, Thigh Master, and Sidney Poitier, who did in fact direct Ghost Dad. And btw, I really REALLY REALLY need that 60 lb Stanley Kubrick Archives book. Take a look inside this wooly mammoth. [last via A-Baby via Me via him]

• Although I’m foaming at the mouth to see Burton’s take on The Choco Factory (I mean, this NEW trailer is off the HOOK like Mc D’s Cpt CROOK!), I do side with Gene when he sez, ‘I don’t see the point of going back and doing it all over again‘

• Mischa, cold hard gyllen’?

• Thats a nice interview with Dan Mazer, Producer of Da Ali G Show

• X-3 minus 2 directors = 1 giant mess

• Wanna see Gabrielle Union & Fischerspooner in the flesh fo free? Too bad you have to go thru Carson Daly to do so.

• June 3rd is free Krispy Kreme Doughnut day! [via JJ]

• Rockstar’s gotta a site up for their 4th cuming Warriors game. I couldn’t imagine a better pairing, besides maybe Dustin Hoffman & Run Lola Man, Tom Tykwer. [1st via Zachk de la Roachclip]

• Swatch the trailer to Keira Knightley’s latest: British & Boring

• Gayden Christensensen, you knows you in trouble when Kevin Smith is defending your honor. [via Cinematical]

• I sure wanna tap dat ass webcam!

• You can ring my BELLE When A Stranger Calls again. YUM!

• What do you get when you mix Fatboy Slim & bouncing boobies? I dunno, but I think my wrist is broken. [NSFW via Monkey Phil]

• Peepage the new vid for Doves’ ‘Snowden’ [Win – Real – QThyme]

• I don’t ask you alls to donate money, cause I’m actually sleeping with a very wealthy man, but who wants to start a Thigh Master Goes to The World Beard and Moustache Championships in the ’05 fund? Cause you know I wanna WAX DAT STACHE!

• Is this a pic of Lohag Version 2.3 looking at Lohag Version HRT the I?

• The MTA is looking for 10K good peeps to sign up for their pilot Subway Service Advisory E-mail Notification program.

• Mandy Moore running for Board of Aldermen in Scott County? Wait a parsec, I thought she wanted to be a croupier cause she was learning how to deal. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

• Gawd I heart u oh dearest Drunkenest NSFW-Father: I am – Kate Moss Topless Photoshoot | I am – A Bathing Ape Ain’t Cool | I am -Jules Asner’s Clit Hood | I am – Big Brother Fat Chick Flashing | I am – Lohan has Cankles….

• If only I were an apple… and I aint talkin bout shitty computers that only designers and idiots adore!

• A Lengthy Explanation of Why This Site Has Utterly Sucked Since, Like, January

• Seriously, does anyone read Wil Wheaton’s blog, or do we all juss link to it?

• Keep an eye on: DestroyAllCelebrities.blogspot.com

• My favorite kinda web sights are always filled with question marks, Sharapova, and only the word ‘Thighs’.

• Ten Most Harmful Books of the 19th and 20th Centuries aka Books I Plan To Read But I Is Too Darn Lazy [via Meta Phil]

• Even in galaxies that are far far away, incest is best! [via DataWHHHHHHHHHAT?]

• You know it’s time to move when…

• Can anyone tell me what the fark is going on in this pic? [via His UMCness the I]

I’m sorry, what was I talking about?

• And SUNDAY @ 11:59PM the polls will close in the 1st EVER CORN ME Photoshop Contest! So VOTE NOW if u don’t think Super Thighs Me is the bee’s fleas.

• ADDDDDDDDDDDDED: Could this be Peabs’ last flazzum? So sayeth it aint so (for the 2nd time)!!