Thighs Wide Shut

In our ear en revue of Moovies ’05, I neglected to add the trailer for 2046 to the Trailers That Got Me Mo Jazzed Than Jazzercise list! Zhang, bang, thang you mang!

I had no websites up and going in 1999, had if I did, I woulda had ALL THREE spots for Eyes Wide Shut [one, two, three] on the Trailers That Got Me Mo Jazzed Than Jazzercise list of 1999, but the list woulda been called something else, and I didn’t have a list or internets site cause I was scared of the Y2K bug, although it shoulda been a Y2K and 1 bug, cause 2001 was the actual start of the new willennium, not 2000 you stoopid idjiots who probably didn’t think about things like that and were too busy trying to party like it was 1999, although 1998 was by far my mos flavorite year of balls time. I mean, Air dropped Moon Safari in late January of that year and change my French hating life for ever. Wee wee moinsir au bu pain in the neck!! And speaking of EWS and 1999 and not having a site of webs… had I had fore-sight and had a site-four then Stewart Thorndike probably would have been not only the 1st Her Royal Tryness, but also the first Non Us Hottie, which some claims with clams that it is a more bigger honor and gentle! Who is shes? She and some other girl in EWS were trying to bone Tom Cruise ‘where the rainbow ends‘ (watch clip 2 to hear her speak!), but he’s gay and a Dianetics couch stress tester so he couldn’t be bothered. Well, he missles out cause Thorbest is more cuterified/shag munch a carpet riffic than Coyle, Portman, Knightley, Moss, and Mulligan turbo-combine D! Too badski she’s been in nothing next to nothing and the google alert I set up in her good name ‘ears ago has netted more zero than NETZERO!! Anyone know anythimg about Stewart Thorndike, who isn’t a man, but may not even eggsist, besides being super hot? This is morest importanter than finding the whereabouts of Dole Fruit Pop, Dirty Ho, Fly Girl, and Deborah Foreman. Please contact us at 1-900-THI-GHS-Z and leave me your SSN, ISBN, and TURK182s. In the meantime, here’s the singlest largest photo image pictures collection of Stewart Thorndike on the webs. (and don’t even bother hovering yer cursor over each pic, I’m too sleepy to right slutty comments.)

Match Point
More On Point Than House of Pain’s ‘On Point’
all apologies for using the ‘on point’ ref 4 the funteempth time
View Trailer

Bee leave the effin hype peoples cause like Señor wit his München Box, Woody Allen has returned to form with his Match Point, YO!!! And by form, I don’t means a W-9, or even his endless string of 70s hotness (starting with the madcap zane e smithedness of Bananas and ending with one of the mos beautifulisticallycal B&W flicks mt EVERest in the age of color, Manhattan). What I mean by ‘return to form’ is actually delivering what the peoples eggspect from one of the mos celebrated and celehated men in del industry: a real Woody Allen movie. 1999 was the last time anyone of us saw a real Woody Allen movie. It was called Sweet & Lowdown, and it was so fargin mint that Sean Penn and then unknown Samantha Morton were rightly honored with Oscar noms. After that we were served up with 5 straights duds, some more thuds than cruds, and some were more mud than Spuds Mackenzie hanging out with Roger Mudd!

Well, Match Point is not only a real Woody Allen movie, but also the mos un-Woody Allen movies I have ever movied!! It’s kinda like his Eyes Wide Shut, cept where Kubrick made London look like NYC, the Woodman made London his NYC. This drastic location change serves him and us the viewers quite well. I think we all needed a break from that continuing don on-slaught of NY nothingness that he continued to poop on-screen. And nothing could be as far from the nebbish Jewish neurosis of the Upper East Side than the prim and proper crumpets of the British upper class!!! To divulge any of the plot would be a waste of my time and a deep cut into yer entertainment value, so I’ll abstain, and in hempstead, I’ll do what I do breast… BABBLE-ON in numbered list form!!!

1) Scarlett Johansson & Jonathan Rhys-Meyers both look like cartoon cats or tigers or lions or something, OH MY!! I’d still bang them both, but their lips are kinda scary like Lisa Rinna’s

2) Rhys-Meyers did an admirable and lieutenantable job as the lead, but I kept waiting for him to glam/gay it up like he did in his Velvet Goldmine days. I think Woodpecker shoulda spared Jonny Lee Miller from the tripe that was Melinda Squared and cast him instead of Rhys

3) Scarlett Johansson being rubbed in baby oil should be the 11th Commandment

4) I knows this sounds more ludicrous than Ludicris sucking on Luden’s whilst looting Lute Olsen’s lute collection, but I’d NEVER ever NEVER step out on the abso-WHOOT-est cutest adorable-tootist British girl AROUND (yes, ever more than our current Royal Thighness… and Joanne Klaar, if she were British) Emily Mortimer, snatchurally one of the OG NonUsHotties!! Not even for Scarlett Johansson, 18347663 cases of baby oil, and 2 weeks to use em both!! Foodly enuff, both Morts and Jo may end up with 2 movies EACH on my ’05 Top Ten LIST… coming soon

5) Danny Boyle alumni rules more than O’Doyle!!!

BLESS YOU WOODROW!!!! Don’t ever come back to NYC. Stay the course in the Old Country. Hopefully yer #2 UK joint Scoop will also not be POOP!!! And the same with yer 1st Spanish Rice dish!! And whatever lies ahead in yer bright, not DIM, future, like a Danish DANISH or Icelandic ICECUBE, or Czech Republic PUBIC HAIR, or Portugalese WHATEVER THEY HAVE IN PORTUGAL!!!

Recommended for those who like: shotguns and shotgun weddings, phallic symbols but not Lloyd’s of London, and Fred of Perry but not of Berry

Possible Porno Name: Snatch Point of Spew

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Damage, aka the Jeremy Irons and Juliette Binoche slutty bang fest of 1992!

Further Fun: Other Woodman flicks with locations outside of the US… Puerto Rico (Bananas), Budapest & Paris (Love & Death), Turin, Italy (Hannah and Her Sisters), Sicily (Mighty Aphrodite), Venice (Everyone Says I Love You), and Romania (Celebrity) [via IMDB]

Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire
He’s Growns Up and He’s Growns Up and He’s Growns Up
View Trailer

In an age oversaturated with purposeless Star Wars flicks and endless super hero dribble, there aint nuttin more dependable in the hero department than a Harry Potter flick. And how could one ever complain about a film that pleases a broader range of ages than a Yes & Know quiz and game book? It’s purty much umpossible to take one of JK Yummings books and turn it into crap on a stick… although Chris Columbus came close to turning us all into Rip van Winkles (not to be confused with Rob van Winkle) with the first two joints. Luckily for us all, threesome king Alfonso Cuarón was brought in for ‘the greatest third movie ever‘, which left the bar raised purty darn high for Goblet director Mike Newell, who brought us such forgettable pu-pu splatters as Mona Lisa Smile and Pushing Tin. But Newbie admirably carries the torch with the forth installment. This Potter goes deeper, darker, and somewhat even sexier. Everything seems to have matured, much like the lil actors themselves… and by ‘lil actors’, I aint talkin bout Warwick Davis.

I read the first three books, but didn’t even bother tackling this 734 paged behemoth. I figured what kid’s book could be worth that much investment of time? I mean Ellison’s brills Invisible Man is a bit over 600 pages, and I struggled to the finish line with that in the 11th grade. But I’m kinda kicking myself in the grundle for not reading Goblet, cause I’m sure many a lil plotlines were cut out so it wasn’t a 5+ hour movie, like the silent Napoléon. But what wasn’t omitted was pretty effin meaty: badder baddies, diggty dragons, tentacled mermaids, tentacled trees, and the seeds of young love (I too would raise my wand high for Cho Chang over Fleur Delacour, but I still hold out hope for Ginny). All of which are sorta eye candy filler for the real juice we’ve all been waitin for: a throwdown showdown with the resurrected Lord Voldemort, which should easily remind anyone of Luke’s landmark encounter with Darth in Cloud City, although boviously not as momentous, cause that was friggin the bee season’s knee season. And anything worthy of that comparison, is mos def a MUSS C. Final big ups go out to Michael Gambon, who makes a butter Albus Dumbledore than the dear and deceased Richard Harris, the Weasley twins, who actually provide more comic relief than their bro Ron, and the use of tentacles, without being all dirty Japanese and stizz.

Recommended for those who like: Jack Torrance’s chill spot, 8th grade dances, and legions of Bulgarian wizards-in-training who look like Eric Balfour

Possible Porno Name: Hairy Penis and The Throblet of Desire

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Addams Family Values

Further Fun: ‘This Is The Night’ by the Wyrd Sisters, but not these Wyrd Sisters [d-lode]

Can someone please explain to me why t.A.T.u. aren’t bigger than Jesus Christ or at least Christ…opher Makepeace? I mean, Sting bassed it up for em, Bryan Adams shot them, they made love to the bat cave in their next vid, they have partied with the anti-Christ, they have the best album of the YEAR (sadly, I’m not joking), and most importantly, they know how to smile and point at pieces of paper on a door!!!

• If 52 is the new 56, then ’05 muss be the new ’91. Whether yer a believer or not, the Skins is are back, and so is Mark Brunell, who can now actually complete a pass over 7 yards. I’ll be at the Giants/Skindawgs game Sunday, wearing my jersey proud. Hopefully I won’t get raped in the bathroom, cause I only liked to get raped in NY.

• Not like I needed another reason to visit the UK in the name of Stanley Kubrick. Location, location, locations.

• One, two, three, peace the fork out Gordon Lee. Three, four, five, look at him jive… or not

• So when is Jesus coming to Misshapes?

• How do you like yer bearded clams in Vega$, teaserriffic or slutty to the bone? [via future wing eating champ, Made of Brawn-steen]

• Knowing this, is it safe to say that during the Super Bowl when Homer and co broke out of jail to the sweet sounds of Blur’s ‘Song 2’ (that’s the ‘Wooooooo Whooooo’ song for u idjiots) was the best moment of the decade?

• What the spell happened to that 3am white chick, and how come the other 3am white chick got a new pic, but the black 3am chick didn’t?

• My ye olde porn factory of a company are gonna be the first to offer anime on the new video thIghPod. And this can mean only one thing!!! (notice how they share my sense of humor, but not love of Good Humor ice cream products)

• Is it week 45 yet?

• Could a human swing through the jungle on vines?

• Er, um, uh, ah, eh, what?

• And remember WENN Amy Locane? She was the smoking hot chick in Cry-Baby and that smoking hot chick on Melrose Place. Well, she hasn’t completely fallen off the face of the earth like dirty woman, the Monkee heir, and the girl next door who believed the boy next door was a boy who could fly, but she hasn’t eggzactly had the career path that many of us hoped she woulda had. While I’m glad I found numerous pics of her nekkid and touching herself on the interwebs, I kinda cry like a baby for what coulda been. Oh well, I guess woman naked on horse juss doesn’t scream Oscar… juss my name, over and over, when I massurbate to that image…

Thumbsucker
Not to be confused with The Chumscrubber or Nien Nunber
View Trailer

Justin Cobb (doe-eyed newcomer Lou Pucci) has a lot o’ problems. He can’t seem to focus on his studies, he’s awkward with the ladies, his dad is Private Pyle, his mom (the always outstanding Tilda Swinton) has the same haircut as him, and wurst of all, he’s a teenage thumbsucker! OH THE HORROR!!! At the behest of his dentist (Keanu Reeves, doing his best… Keanu Reeves), he undergoes hypnosis in an attempt at ending his thumb attachment. When that backfires, he tries a different approach, by way of Ritalin, as recommended by his trusted speech teacher (Vince Vaughn, doing his best… un-Vince Vaughn, read: actually acting). Finally things begin to come into focus for our confused protagonist. He’s more comfortable in his own skin, excelling at school, and most importantly, i guess, allowing his thumb to be saliva-free. But as the Verve once sang, the drugs don’t work, they just make things worse. Sure, some of his issues may have subsided, but the others remain and new ones have sprouted up. He becomes cocky, resentful, turns to pot, and it surely doesn’t help that a slight rift between his dad and his mom, who, in a subplot, starts working at a rehab facility, tending to a TV heartthrob (Benjamin Bratt), is growing by the day. Moodily directed by the gifted music video/commercial man (Air’s ‘Sexy Boy’ + that fab ELO tuned Volkswagen commercial) Mike Mills (no, not of R.E.M. fame), the viewer never falls hook line and sinker with the film, although this viewer really wanted to. All the ingredients are mos certainly in place for a delicious meal (hispecially the top notch acting), but once everything’s mixed together and served, it juss doesn’t seem so all together edible. Sound familiar? Well, that’s pretty much how I felt about the other Tilda Swinton flick this year, Broken Flowers [review]. Lettuce hope that the same won’t be true when she’s the thing between the lion and the wardrobe in this winter’s Chronicles of Narnia.

Recommended for those who like: boy’s bathrooms, Elliot Smith AND the Polyphonic Spree, and grrrls who sorta resemble Mena ‘Surfin’ Suvari

Possible Porno Name: all too easy… Cumsucker, or how bout Chodesucker

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Prozac Nation

Corpse Bride
Bride & (My) Prejudice
View Trailer

Once again, I have to state my len bias before we move on. I loathe cartoons, but I loooooooooooooathe clay shit stuff more than ANYTHING (well, maybe 2nd next to microwaved tunafish). Yep, I’d rather watch 90 minutes of vomit than Wallace & Gromit. I still don’t understand what the big deal with A Nightmare Before Christmas was? Watching it gave me minor seizures and wurser headaches than being a Kansas City Royals fan. OK, now we’re all set, seat-belts fastened, and ready to play with some Play-dohn’t. ALAS my Thighlanders, dem movie makers hath sirprized me once again, as they did last month with the underscored/underloved Cry_Wolf [review]. Corpse Bride is snot only passable, but thoroughly enjoyable for anyone aged 4 to 444!! It’s short (key pt #1), the stars providing the voices blend into the action, not take away from it (I’m looking in your direction Shrek Dreck), and what really struck me was that it was effin dark as hell, not just in theme, but in color scheme as well. All in all, it reminded me a lot of one of my all thyme T Burton favs, Legend of Sleepy Hollow. The only bad thang about the whole thang were dem dreaded kiddie songs. I guess after Wonka, Burtie was on a bit of a musical kick, or they really were short on material and needed to fill a 1/3rd of it with a bunch of whatevedness. Regardless, those who fear clay, it’s safe to come out and Play-doh.

Recommended for those who like: skeletons with mustaches, Fox’s Bones, and things that go bump in the night and not in your pants

Possible Porno Name: Whores Bride

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the aforementioned Sleepy Hollow… such underrated bestness