Thighs Wide Shut

The Prestige & The Fountain
A HUGHe Step In The Right Direction
Pres Trailer & Fout Trailer

Good for Hugh Jackman. After outperforming the usual dreck that he stars in (c’mon peoples, the X-Men movies aren’t all that great… I mean, can you differentiate between the 3 of them?) it seems as if he’s earned the right to pick and choose the directors he wants to work with. And who on earth wouldn’t have Christopher Nolan (The Prestige) and Darren Aronofsky (The Fountain) in their top 5? Last summer he crossed Woody Allen off his list as he did admirable work in his subpar (when only compared to Match Point [review]) Scoop [review], which oddly enuff also involved British magicians AND ScarJo. And with his mos excellent work in Nolan and Aronofsky’s latest pics, Jackman will continue to get his way. Who doesn’t salivate at his teaming-up on Australia with fellow Aussies Nicole Kidman and master Baz Luhrmann, who’s been marty mcsorley missed from cinema ever since his beyond brills Moulin Rouge captivated even Andy Capp back in the ’01?

In the battle of the ’06 magician movies (we won’t even bother includin the Woodman’s Scoop on this war) The Prestige is leaps and gagged and bounds mo better butter than The Illusionist [review], which was by and far the bestest Paul Giamatti film of the year. I mean, how can anyone compete with Batman & Alfred AND The Great White Duke & Smeagol all in one movie? Hell, this puppy is so darn good that I deem it the most re-watchable outta all the Christopher Nolan joints. Yes, even more so than Memento, which had much more thinking involved, but wasn’t nearly as fun as Prestige.

When Brad Pitt, Cate Blanchett and yer 70 million $ budget for yer pet film project about the search for eternal life past, present, and future suddenly vanishes like D.B. Cooper, what is one to do? While most would move on, Aronofsky continued on, and not too shabbily, despite losing 30 or so of dem millions, with Hugh Jackman and his super dope fiancee Rachel Weisz. While most people don’t know the backstory of The Fountain‘s black plagued production, and probably won’t know or care in generations to come, I believe it should be taken into consideration when viewing it. You have to accept and embrace it for what it is instead of what it could have been. Aronof had to compromise his original vision, but the finished project is not a total loss, even if it is a giant mess. The Fountain is a lot like Spielberg’s mammoth undertaking of Kubrick’s unrealized A.I.… it’s seems incomplete, but the filmmaking is so effin gorgeous that I’d rather it eggzist in some form than not all

Unsatisfied with this?: peep Andy Serkis rock out with Tenacious D

Possible Porno Name: The Pressed Teets & The Fountain of Poo

Apt MPupil3: ‘Magic’ [d] by The Cars

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Pres, Breast In Show & Fout, despite its flaws, Jeepers Worth A Peepers

until next thyme, the balcony is clothed…

May Day

Grace Jones

Stacey Sutton

Tanya Roberts

Pola Ivanova

Fiona Fullerton

Jenny Flex

Alison Doody

Kimberly Jones

Mary Stavin

Pan Ho

Papillon Soo Soo

Bon, Simon Le Bon

Bon, Simon Le Bon

Little Children
A Field Day
Trailer

Tis so fitting that actor turned director Todd Field probably made his mos memorable screen appearance as piano man Nick Nightingale in Kubrick’s final work, Eyes Wide Shut. His directorial debut In The Bedroom not only reeks of brilliance and updog, but of Kubrick himself. Like Stan The Man, Field has a great sense of film pacing, in a way that it leaves the viewer constantly unsettled, yet glued to their seats. But unlike Kubes, Field works more in the mundane and not the spectacle, yet he somehow turns the mundane into a spectacle. And with his second feature, Little Children, Field continues to show why he should be considered one of the America’s brightest talents (hispecially since Sofia Coppola’s star is on the verge of losing its luminance).

Children‘s mundane tale, spelled out by a continuous sardonic voice over by Fronline‘s Will Lyman, deals with the affair between an unhappy housewife and an unhappy househusband. The usual spouse-cheating events are thrown up on the screen (and yes, since Kate Winslet is in it, there’s a 98% chance she will show her boobs… and yes, she does), but it’s the extra curricular activities filling up the rest of the picture, like that of the juss released from prison pedophile (Kelly Leak/Jackie Earle Haley) adjusting to a community that fears him, that is the ticket, and that is what sets this one apart from the rest of the by the numbers infidelity films that come out year after year. In a bustanutshell, you won’t feel cheated by this cheating

Unsatisfied with this?: Netflix Unfaithful [trailer]

Possible Porno Name: Little Children of the Porn

Entertainment Meekly: the mag that I love to hate, but cunt stop readin profiles Kelly Leak’s return to filmdom after being a cellar dweller for as long as the Bad News Bears were w/o Coach Morris Buttermaker

Apt MPupil3: ‘Running Scared‘ [d] by Roy Orbison

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

until next thyme, the balcony is clothed…

Marie Antoinette
Let Them Eat Cake Make Mistake
Trailers

I was probably the only person on earth who wasn’t heels over head in love with Sofia Coppola’s meandering Lost In Translation. It was good, but far from great, and far from Grape Ape. The girl’s mos def got a flair for visiual style and can pick a soundtrack better than Zach Braff or any Braff for that matter, but her storytelling leaves much to be desired. After winning an Oscar for Lost, Ms Coppola has cashed in her ‘get out of jail free‘ card (much like Gus van Sant, who followed his winning Finding Forrester with the losing Psycho remake) with her anachronistic trifle Marie Antoinette.

While I golf clap her attempt to mix modern (New Wave music, Chuck Taylors, American accents) with classic, I bitch slap her for not being able to make it work. The mod bits don’t add anything to the film, but do add up to be one giant mistake. Marie really coulda been something exquisite, but slain and pimple, is a giant waste of celluloid, and sirprizingly very zzzzzzzz inducing. Trying something different is one thing, but not even trying when you’re trying too hard to do something different is another thing all together, hispecially when you have a brilliant cast (Dunst and Schwatzman shine like Mop & Glo^®) and the bestest shooting location that money could never buy (the freakin real deal Versailles) at yer disposal. Public, on yer behalf I declare the honeymoon with this Coppola over. Now its time to give brother Roman another shot. I mean, CQ wasn’t the greatest, nor even the Grape Apest, but its soundtrack is way cooler than anything Sofia could dream up. LET SOFIA EAT POOP!!!

Unsatisfied with this?: Netflix Kube’s second 2 none period piece Barry Lyndon [trailers | TWS.org review]

Possible Porno Name: Hairy Cunt I Pecked

Nepotismizms: co-starring Asia ‘Dario’ Argento, Katrine ‘John’ Boorman, Io ‘Sam’ Bottoms, Jason ‘Talia Shire’ Schwartzman, Mary ‘Bill’ Nighy, and Danny ‘John’ Huston

Apt MPupil3: since pointless modern music was the name of the game, why didn’t Copp throw co-star Marianne Faithfull’s versh [vid] of the Stones’ ‘As Tears Go By‘ [d] a bone?

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit, But Mos Certainly No Stinkin Badgers

until next thyme, the balcony is clothed…

There are few things I heart more than professional fooball. And since you didn’t ask, I’ll tell you what dem those few things be: fried chicken, Meg White’s bazongas, anything Stanley Kubrick, and a good ole HJ followed by an even better ole BJ. Now that we’ve established that, we can get on with our 1st pee view into the upcuming season of the NFL and some fantasy jounks to follow…

NFC East

More like NFC Best, or would NFC Beast be a better moniker? Top to bottom, the finest division, once again, in football (may rival the AL East as breastestiest divish is the werld!). Although many like the Eagles as a sleeper (they probably saw Invincible one too many times), I don’t see the Super Bowl winless Cheesesteakheads finishing anywhere butter than 3rd place. The loss of TO is huge, hispecially since his replacements are people you wouldn’t even pick in gym class. Well what about Donte’ Stallworth? More like Donte’ StallworthLESS(than Zero Mostel)!! It’ll be a dog fight betwixt the Skins, the Cowgirls, and the Giants til week 17. Since the ‘Girls get to play ‘Zona and the other two don’t, they may end up atop of the East. Despite the Skins’ lack of O (Randle El will be the QB by week 4) and my loathe of the other two, I actually like all three to make the playoffs, which almost happened last year.

NFC North

More like NFC Zzzzzzzzzz. Ever since TB got the boot from this division, it’s been more poop than Todd Van Poppel’s Score ’91 b-ball card. The Vikes are the Bears’ only competition, as the Packers and Lions are about as lame as Lane Meyer’s attempt at suicide, and that’s not really saying much. If anyone really youthinks the boys in Purple, with their pointless new jerseys (not to be confused with the pointless state of New Jersey) and whorrible mustiachioed coach, can win more than 8 games, I think you should tattoo Zygi Wilf on yer grundle. And Bearskis, even though yer a lock for the #2 spot in the NFC, don’t waste yer time drummin up another Super Bowl Shuffle, although I’d love to see a remake of the Grabowski… whatever the fork that was

NFC South

More like NFC ralph, er, um, whatever. The South, like Jimmy Hart‘s mouth, will no doubt make a bunch of noise this season, as they are undizzley the 2nd breastest division in the NFC. We’d all love to see Reggie Bush turn the ‘aints back into the Saints, but that’s probably a year or two away from happening. Vick blows goats and I don’t really trust Chris Simms’ ability as a starting QB either. I mean the dude looks like a Jake Busey clone gone bad and the only thing JB is good for is dental hygiene and destroying the Tom Skerritt space transporter in Contact. So that leaves the no-brainerness of the Panthers. He Hate Me or not, there’s a lot to love about their chances this year.

NFC West

More like NFC meh. I don’t care what moves ‘Zona made this offseason, they’re still the Cardinals and they still stink wurster than Pigpen licking microwaved tunafish off of Yancey Thigpen‘s monobrow. I’m hactually sirprized the NFL decided to let the Cards and the 49ers play any of their games in the US this year. They both should have been left in Mexico with Ron, even if the ‘fans’ have no clue what’s going on, they’d at least have some sort of support. The Rams, who really should be the Cardinals, are a mess, so the division is the Seacocks’ to lose. And if I still had my virginity, I wish it could be lost on any of the Sea Gals!

Seeds:
#1 Seahawks
#2 Bears
#3 Panthers
#4 Cowboys
#5 Redskins
#6 Giants

NFC Champs: Seahawks

Fantasy Outlook NFC Shazz

Me loves: Edgerrin James, Terry Glenn, Chris Cooley, Neil Rackers, Jason Witten, the Seahawks D, Roddy White, Joe Horn, and of all people Keyshawn Johnson

Me hates: anyone on Detroit, the Redskins’ O, Kurt Warner, Vick, any RBBC (Running Back By Comittee) situtation, the Bears’ and the Bucs’ WRs, LJ Smith, and Mike Vanderjagt

Don’t sleep on these sleepers: Mike Nugent, Greg Jennings, Joe Klopfenstein, Brad Johnson, Samkon Gado & Marion Barber (both Green and Jones will go down), the Vikings’ D, and Woody Allen’s Sleeper

pee es – since Kornheiser writes for the Post about once every 13 leap years, the funniest person on staff has gots to be Dan Steinberg (of ‘Starting Lineup‘ fame). Well, dude’s gotsa blog now, and tits gonna be mad hotttttt, so best to keep an eye and a thigh on that shaz!