Thighs Wide Shut

Transformers
All That Jazz
Trailer & Mo!

‘a Michael Bay film‘ used to be a tag line that would send me running for the hills (even if they did have THIGHS!), but after the freshness bestness that was his Island [TWS.org review], I was willing to keep my Michael prejudices at bay goin fwd. Although I always have reservations about any big screen adaptation of a classic from my childhood (Hollywurst, please don’t make a GI Joe flick), I had a feeling that Transformers was in good hands… and those hands be that of Exec Prod-er Steven Spielbergo. Why would Señor S put his name on an action-advent pic if it was gonna turn out to be a terd? For terdness sake, we won’t have to answer that question cause, dooooooooooooooode, the biggest buck for yer bang this summer is, without a doubt, Transformers. Everything that needed to be write was right: a screenplay that would make Charlie Kaufman blush, make the transforming look bee leaveable, hire Peter Cullen to voice Optimus Prime again, and mos importantly, include that sweet sweet transformin sound (chih-chew-choh-cheh-chih). Now don’t spank me wrong, even dough the CGI was notch top, but when dem bots were battlin’, shiz was mos confusin to look at than a Physics book written in braille. As for the humans, as soon as they appeared on screen, I was wishing that the Decepticons would wipe them out in 4 seconds. But as the ‘story’ unfolded, I found that they added to the fun and not take away from it… in par dick u la lee, Shia Labeouf-cake and his mackin of foxie public hand-jober Megan Fox. So leavin the theater I had two very positive thoughts: one, a sequel better happen ASAP (why not let RoboCopper Paul Verhoeven give it ago) and two, I no longer have any qualms about Shia Where’s The LaBeef’s casting in Indy 4. Why? Cause in Spielbergo we truss!!

AutoBest: Nike’s Air Trainer III be more den meets the eye [Pakula Shaker]

Citizen Icing On The Cake: juss in case you were livin under a rock or in Iraqi and didn’t know that… Orson Welles’ final film role was Unicron in Transformers: The Movie

Transtastic: I dunno who yer mos flavorite ‘former is, but mine is far and away Soundwave

License to Wed
I Know Pronounce You One Giant Piece of Sh$t
Trailer & Mo!

I’ve seen my fair share of comedies that didn’t float my boat (For Your Consideration, The 40 Year-Old Virgin, The Aristocrats, etc), but at least those mooovies attempted to make me laff. License To Wed doesn’t even come close to touchin my boat cause it’s like a broad ocean without any water in it. Think of one of the wurstest comedies you’ve ever seen and then move it down a notch on the list to make room for this pointless comedy that would make Meet The Parents haters long for a Focker threequel. And bee leave it or snot, Robin Williams’ tis not at fault for this poo that be stankier than takin a rotten egg dump at a sulfur factory whilst listening to Stankonia. Hell, the only people we can blame for this shitrocity that netted 1.5 total laffs are the three screenplayas, who, by the looks of it, have about as much comedy writing eggspeareance as Helen Keller penning a book of Helen Keller jokes. Don’t ever watch this movie. Seriously. Not even if yer a family member of someone who worked on it. You’d be butter off watching reruns of The Office and JOing to Mandy Moore… unless of course, yer already doing that, like yours thighly

Apt MPupil3: the only diamond in this ruff piece of coal is the usage of Madness‘ thumcredible ‘It Must Be Love‘ [d|vid]

Netflux Capacitor: time to get all Corey and rent License To Drive [trailer]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Slit Yer Eyes & Thighs Out Repoopulous!!•

The Lives of Others (Das Leben der Anderen)
Juss One of GerMany Thangs Wrong With the GDR
Trailer

Tiz hard not to have yer eggspectations set high when you sit down (5 months after it’s initial US release, MIND YOU!) to catch a film that’s 95% fresh and beat out Pan’s Labium for the Best Foreign Film at this year’s Oscars. While I wouldn’t exactly say that I was floored from
frame one to frame end by Others, I will say that I could find nary a thing wrong with this tight cold war noir thriller about the secret police’s dirty dealings in the waning days of East Germany (that’s the German Democratic Republic for you History bluffs out there). This isn’t an atypical cheap thriller, containing endless oooohs after ahhhs, but sum tang mo along the lines of one o dem ye olde klassic intelligent voyeuristic flicks, like Hitch’s Rear Window or Ford Coppola’s The Conversation. That’s sum purty darn good company to be in if you ask me. Oh, yer askin me? Well, sum might say bestest company since Jack Tripper moved into an apt with Chrissy Snow and Janet Wood!

The Balls of Others: John Ritter’s testicles were briefly visible in an episode of Three’s Company?

Netflux Capacitor: want sum-tang equally as eye openin about the GDR but a lot more comical? Czech out Good Bye Lenin! [trailer]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show•

A Mighty Heart
Mr. & Mrs. Pearl
Trailer

Michael Winterbottom is our mos flavorite director goings. His worldly films are not only works of art, but challenges to the ears, eye and mind. Whether they hit the mark or not, his misses are still 328123848124 zillion times better than the next person’s. W’bottom’s latest, A Mighty Heart, was quite a challenge. He had to retell a story where mos of his audience already knew the outcome, but duhvs course, W’bottom makes it work. Heart is an engaging, although somehow not totally enrapturing, dramatization of the events surrounding the kidnapping of WSJ journalist Daniel Pearl (Capote screenwriter Dan Futterman doin justice to the dearly departed). While we’re not treated (or is ‘spared’ a better word?) to what Pearl himself endured, we do get all the other good guy angles covered, from his preggers wife Mariane (played well enuff, but lets not get Oscar nom crazy, by the mother of Brad Pitt’s children), his WSJ colleagues, the US gov (Kevin Costner’s long lost bud Will Patton), and the local Pakistani officials and intelligence (shining star Irfan Khan, who dazzled in The Namesake). While I wouldn’t say that this is ‘bottom’s best work to date (IMO, that’s ’99s Wonderland), I would say it’s one of his more important ones. Not only cause of the subject matter, but the fact that this film will be seen by a larger American audience, which all of his films rightly deserve

Netflux Capacitor: peas, do yerself a flavor and peep out another important ‘bottom film, Road To Gitmo [trailer|TWS.org review]

IMDb Sweeney: supposedly ‘bottom turned down the chance to direct Good Will Hunting, Cider House Rules and Freedomland

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers•

Ratatouille
Fo Once, Too Many Cooks In The Kitchen Is A Good Thang!
Trailers & Mo!

I despise cartoons (the Disney 2-D ones that filled my early years do not apply here). That sediment came about as an occupational hazard from my previous job workin at the Anime porn factory. So it’s very rare that I see a cartoon, let alone have actual interest in seein one in a theater (toys and superheroes are the eggception)! Well, after the much ado about Ratatouille, I figure this one might hactually be worthy of viewing. And for all intensive purposes, it really does make for one fine cartoon. I wouldn’t say that it’s an amazin piece of cinema by any stretch of the imaginasian, but tis is probably the bestest rat film since Willard and the mos family-friendly one since the Muppets took Manhattan and rocked out with Rizzo the Rat

Bird IS Da Word: director Brad Bird may juss be da one man who can change my mind about modern cartoons. And he aint no new kid on the block neithers. Bird’s first directing gig was ‘Family Dog’ [Part 1|2|3], a toon that appeared on Spielbergo’s yumcredible Amazing Stories TV shizz-ow. The music for it was dones up by Danny Elfman, and the characters? Dones up by none other than Tim Burton

Toole Shed: quite sadly, Anton Ego, Rat‘s mos deli-ish-YES evil food critic, marks only the 3rd toon venture that the mighty Peter O’Toole has lent his pipes to. The others? The Nutcracker Prince and a series of Sherlock Holmes vids from ’83

Dis Spencer of Wisdom: GoldenFiddle takes on the gleib Owen Gleiberman

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers•, and a muss C if you got sum of dem kids runnin round in yer kingdumb

Crazy Love
Love Is Blind
Trailer

0 valign=top>

Well to do man falls in love with Bronx girl. Girl kinda in love with man, but man is married. Man promises to divorce wife and marry girl, but promises aint no actual divorce. Girl moves on, but man doesn’t. Man getz beyond jealous and hires some henchmen to throw lye in her face. Girl loses her vision, man goes to jail. From jail, man keeps bothering blind girl. Man released from jail and girl and man… get married!?!?!? Whaaaaaaaaaaat? Yep, a true story so lurid that u should flock to this doc!

Art Gar Funk Cool: blind girl Linda Riss makes a better painter than mos people who can see!

More Than Meets The Lye: How to Make Lye

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers•

Fantastic Four: Rise of The Silver Surfer
Certainly Not Gold or Silver, But A Bronze Aint So Bad
Trailer

Comic books are by nature stoopid stuff for kids… unless wees takin bout a graphic novels, but den again, adaptations of dem (eh hmmm 300) can be broker than employees of RE/MAX. Anywhozitz, the Fantastic Four are stoopid and their movies are equally as stoopid. Our thoughts on FF round 1 purty much match our thoughts on round 2: despite the cornball dialog, BEYOND appalling cast, and BEYOND terabyte terry-bull cast, it was not only NOT awful, but kinda entertaining. Those choice words only earned the 1st one a Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges tag, but #2 get extra bonus points for throwin in the Silver Surfer for added fun. Surfer was mos def ricker than slick, but he still aint as rad as T2‘s liquid T-1000, who turned 16 this summer. In closin I’d like to reveal that Jessica Alba has gots the same superpowers that her onscreen persona Sue Storm gots. While Sue can make herself and others invisible, Alba can make her acting skills invisible! Which doesn’t make a lick of sense considering she never had any skillz in the 1st place. Stick to the swimsuits and stripper poles, and keep yer mouth thighs wide shut!

Frost-e The Showman?: yes, that name you see in the credits under ‘screenplay by’, Mark Frost, is indeed the same man who co-created Twin Peaks. And whaaaaa? Who dat playing Dr. Jeff Wagner? Nun udder that Agent Dale Coop’s ex-partner Windom Earle!

Fantastic, Now Get On All Fours: I heart you Beau Garrett, you April ’99 yahooin NSFWin Entourage turista!!

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Introducing The Dwights
Simply Dwightful
Trailer & Mo!

My foreign melodrama theory of filmdom continues: take a simple story of family matters, film it in another country and let the laughter and tears commence. HowevsDOTorg, make that shiz within our borders, and it now becomes an 8th-rate run of the mill poop-de-loop that would be lucky if it aired on the Hallmark Channel. Spankfully for the sake of this movie and mine eyes and thighs, Introducing The Dwights is Australian born and breed, so therefore, it’s a endearing flick that will easily charm the pants off of you (if you need additional help having your pants charmed off, please fill them with Lucky Charms until they do so). The simple story this go around involves the always bestacular Brenda Blethyn as a comedienne SLASH mother of two, who’s even less funny than David Brent and even more doting than Mrs Bennet. She only wants the best for her boys (Khan Chittenden and Richard Wilson, who easily chips in the screens’ mos entertaining mentally challenged character since… see Netflux Capacitor b-lo) until of course her boys start to have interest in love outside of the house. The drama unfolds as the mother who gave up her career to raise them comes to terms with a future empty nest. This is not a perfect movie, but then again, neither are the Dwights. If you’ve had enuff with this introduction, then proceed to meet them on yer own thyme

Netflux Capacitor: this aint the first time that BB played an overprotective mother of a very special son. For those who haven’t, be sure to give the HIGHlarious Pumpkin [trailer] a twirl. I means, we didn’ts dub it our our 7th bestest pic pick of the ’02 for nuttin!

Tasty Dwight: come 2 think of it, Dwight is a purty darn cool name. So, who be yo mos flavorite Dwight? Tim, Freeney, Yoakam, Evans, D. Eisenhower, Gooden, or Schrute?

Don’t Be Cruel: sorry kids, alldough Emma Booth is kinda/sorta a cutie, she’s also is a trippleganger for the Wayans Bros’ White Chicks‘ chicks

da Dwights opens in select theaters on July 4th, and elsewhere, elsewhen

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Live Free or Die Hard
Fourth & Long (get it?)
Trailer & Mo!

On the poster for the orig Die Hard, the Nakatomi Plaza was on fire. For it’s sequel, Die Harder, it was an airport that was ablaze. And on Vengeance‘s, it was NYC that was going down in flames. So takin a quick peek at LFoDH‘s poster, and seeins that there’s not much of a conflagration tat all, you knew one way or an udder that this wasn’t going to be the usual John McClane (mis)adventure. Hell, without Bruce Willis and the plot unfolding around a holiday, there’s not much here to resemble anything that came before. Sew, for those itchin for some Bonnie Bedelia, William Atherton, Reginald VelJohnson or De’voreaux White (that’s the dude who played Argyle the limo driver) action, yer better off creating your own Die Hard fan fiction, cause the only thing yer gonna get here is a 24-type cyberterrorism jamboree. And that’s not necessarily a bad thang. Despite all the Chloe O’Brianing, there’s still plenty of explosions, one-liners, and one-liners that follow explosions to satisfy all the die hard Die Hard fans. And it’s this balance of the same old with the new & improved that makes LFoDH work. And since baddie Timothy Olyphant was mo menacing in the Cuthbest klassic, The Girl Next Door, all the newness is kept fresh by the Mac guy, Justin Long. I never thought I would say this, but had they not cast Long as the comic reliefin’ computer geek (what a stretch for him, eh?), this film coulda died, hard

Netflux Capacitor: were you wondering where you could see sum more of dat French dude, whose moves are slicker than Jackie Chan’s? Den rent, don’t run to see B13 [trailer|TWS.org review]

Will The Real Lucy McClane Please Stand Up?: the only person who probably has an issue with the hiring of hottie McGee Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Bruce’s daughter Lucy was Taylor Fry, who played her in the original

RIF (Reading if FUNDamental) On Dis: read John Carlin’s ’97 article ‘A Farewell To Arms’, upon which Live Free‘s story is based!

Twats In A Name: ‘Live Free or Die’ is the official state motto of New Hampshire. Dem words were created by American Continental Army General John Stark (no, not that Knick grocery bagger)

It’s Stiller Time: I love me sum great parodiesez, but flying nun tops the bestness that is The Ben Stiller Show‘s Die Hard 12: Die Hungry, co-starring the one, the only, Taylor Negron (dood, u have to czech out his scrapbook!

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

1408
Holiday Inn Hell
(which shouldn’t be confused with
Billie Holiday Inn The Year 2000)
Trailer

When it comes to Stephen King and hotels, we’ve already seen the bestest, so everything else throbviously is and will be juss the restest. Sure, SK wasn’t a big fan of Kubrick’s take of his Shining, but I dare anyone else to admit that the TV version starring that dude from Wings and Rebecca DeMakesMeHorn-nay, which follows the book munch closer, is mother or lake superior to Kube’s! And don’t make me double dare you, cause I’ll force you to take the physical challenge like my name was Mark Summers! Hell, even the Simpsons’ take on the Overlook Hotel was better than that crud! Hotels aside, tis been ages since there was a decent flick adapted from a Stephen King anything… and by ages, I mean 2001, when Hearts In Atlantis was dropped on a world hungry for anything Anton Yelchin. Well, much to my sirprize and delight, 1408, which coulda also be titled John Cusack vs a Hotel Room, resets the ages mark to 2007. It’s a classic average Stephen King flick, in the same vein as Dolores Claiborne, The Dark Half, and Children of the Corn (that’s #CotC I, not III with Charlize Theron or IV with Naomi Watts). None of dem a3mentioned films are extremely spectacular, but would still be james worthy of a watch if it popped up on TBS one lonely night at home. You could wait a few years until this pops up on cable TV, but you should feel free to see 1408 in theaters if Evan Almighty isn’t eggzactly whetting yer fappetite

Not To Be Overlooked: wanna stay at the Overlook Hotel featured in Kube’s versh of The Shining? Well, you’d be aMAZEd to find out that mos of it was a set created at Elstree Studios in England. Howevs, the exterior is in fact that of the Timberline Lodge in Oregon and the interiors were recreated to match that of Yosemite’s Ahwanee Hotel in California. By the gay, the haunted room in The Shining book was 217, but for the flick, it was changed to the fictional 237, so not to scare any guests at the Timberline

Fanning Over The Next Dakota: while we eagerly await all future projects of Invasion wunderkind Ariel Gade, keep and eye and a thigh on the adorable child actress Jasmine Jessica Anthony, who could easily pass as another daughter of Ari Gold

Netflux: it’s not the greatest thang since a sliced can of Slice, but Cusack and Co’s motel thriller Identity [trailer] is kinda darn thrillin!

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers•

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Knocked Up
Baby Geniuses
Trailer

Bein such a negative Nelly when it comes to comedies, I honestly believed that no other movie was going to topple Hot Fuzz [TWS.org review] from the year’s top spot in good humor. That is shlubvs course until I was wowed by Judd Apatow’s latest sex comedy, Knocked Up. I was wowed simply cause I didn’t expect to be. I was probably the only person on earth who didn’t have his hilarity hymen broken by The 40 Year Old Virgin [TWS.org review]. It may not have been as numb and number inducing as any Will Ferrell comedy, but it wasn’t anything earth or youranus shattering either. That film was solely carried by Steve Carell’s innocence, but his innocence has been utilized far greater in pretty much every other thang he’s been in, well, cept maybe in Sleepover. So based on Virgin, I wasn’t eggspecting too much from Knocked Up, hispecially being a Michael Scott Free-less production, and a Seth Rogen love fest. Boy was I wrong, cause with Rogen drivin this ship, and by ship, I mean Katherine Heigl’s amazin bod to motherhood, not only did hilarity ensue, but reality as well. Yeppers. Up is not only loaded with laughter, but it’s 526% more realistic than most comedies. When’s the last time you could actually identify with the characters in the comedy? If your answer is Horatio Sanz in Boat Trip, then please cut out your eyes, then cut your penis in half and then shove each half penis into your now empty eye sockets. See Knocked Up, NOW!

Know Ledge: Count Rogen, along with 8 other peeps, were nominated for an Emmy in 2005 for Outstanding Writing for a Variety, Music or Comedy Program for their work on HBO’s Da Ali G Show

Don’t Knock It Tell You Try Them: 3,234 Knock Knock Joe-ks

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Grant Show•

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
Fool of Ship, I mean Full of Shit
Trailer

After the barnacle debacle that was adventure #2 [one of our better reviews mt everest], I thought the Pirates franchise had nowhere to go but up. With #3, At World’s End (hell, it coulda been called Curse of the Jade Scorpion for all I care), the franchise doesn’t move up or down, but laterally. Seriously folks, if they projected #2 in the theater, under the name of #3, I wouldnta known the difference. They’re the same exact pointless movie: some pirate captain returns from the dead, they sail somewhere, when they’re done there, they sail somewhere else, the crew goes rrrrrrr, uglfied Naomi Harris cooks some voodoo chile, Tessek gets slimy, Orlando Bloom bores me to death, and Keira Knightley doesn’t give anyone a lap dance. And to make splatters worse, the only worthwhile thang about the whole Pirates universe, Captain Jack Sparrow, doesn’t even appear until 40+ minutes in! And the tease they tack on after the end credits [vid] wouldn’t even whet the appetite of Dom DeLuise after a 3 month hunger strike!! If they really wanted to make Pirates 3 something worth writing home about, or even worth writing to a prisoner about, they should let every character get lost at sea, cept Cpt Jack and his screen father, Keith Richards, who arguably chips in one of the greatestist cameos in film history, and let the two give us a RUM for our money

IMDb Sweeney: Keef has 2 udder film credits under his belt, ’69’s Michael Kohlhaas – Der Rebell and the ’72 experimental Film Umano Non Umano, alongside Mick and former flame Anita Pallenberg

Pirate Booty: you didn’t ask for it, but yer mos def gonna click on it… KEEF RICHARDS, NUDE! [NSFW, DUH]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Richards and Depp barely save this sinking ship from total capsizement, so Not A Whole Lot O’ Merit But No Stinkin Badges Either•

Once
Irish Eyes Are Singing
Trailer

Frames frontman SLASH Commitments alumster Glen Hansard and Czech mate Markéta Irglová certainly make beautiful music together. For those of us who never discovered that fact on Hansard’s first solo album, which features the stylins of Irglová, The Swell Season, lettuce be thankful that the two decided to take their sweet sweet music and put in on display in one sweet sweet film. In Once, Hansard plays a Dublin street performer who befriends an immigrant single-mother, played by Irglová. They may be worlds apart, but musically, they’re more in sync than those two snake oil salesman who said ‘say’ in threes. The film is certainly rich in music, but sometimes a little too much. It sorta plays out like a 90 minute making of a music video, and sadly, in th
e process, the nice lil boy meets girl story kinda gets brushed to the side. By the time things start to gel between the two, the credits are rolling. The mind may wonder ‘what if’, but it’ll probably be too busy tryin to get that sweet sweet music outta yer pretty lil head

Netflex: if you’ve never, or haven’t in awhile, peep one of the finest music films mt EVEREST, Alan Parker’s The Commitments. Hear Glen talk about that film here

Apt MPupil3: Glen and Markéta‘s gem ‘Falling Slowly‘ [d|vid]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Dr Peepers•

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…