People, Places, and Things

Rent
I’ll Try My Best To Be Lien-ient
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Broadway’s mos flavorite HIV send up of Puccini’s La Boheme has finally arrived on the big screen, but someone shoulda sent an eviction notice to the people who greenlit it long before it ever got there. Rent, the movie flat out juss doesn’t work. Sure, the songs shine, and so does Rosario Dawson in strip tease naughtiness, but there’s nothing at all cinematic about it. You sit there and start thinking that if this movie is so darn cheesy, annoying, and recockulous that maybe the original source material blew goats as well. I know this firsthand not to be true since I’ve seen its brilliance on the London stage. Therefore, we have one person to blame for the jazz hands, but no jazz: cpt vanilla filmmaker himself, Chris Columbus. The man excels at playing it safe. Remember the first two Harry Potter flicks? I’m sure you did, until you were blown away by the third joint, and then started throwing up yer copies of the DVDs on Half.com. I mean why make a movsical if yer not gonna improve somehow on the original stage production? Phantom of the POOOPera anyone? Although I found it to be a bit overrated, at least Chicago had some spunk, and enuff of the greatest sorority ever in saucy outfits that would make you spunk. What you gots Rent? NOTHING. I wish you were squatters, so I could come to yer squathole and squat over you and POOP on your head. Stop singing or dying and get an effin job… or a better director. If one good thing can come out of this whole shitspearance its the chance that people will go to IMDB and figure out that Mark Cohen was played by the same dude who played Daryl Coopersmith in, oddly enuff, Chris Columbus’ best effort, Adventures in Babysitting. Anywhozitz, will someone peas slit mine eyes out before I get conned into seeing The ProBOOcers? I’ll even let you touch my low-brow eye brows in the process!!

Recommended for those who like: An East Village faker than the one in Eyes Wide Shut, the location of ThighsBart’s B-day shabang, and Thoth-like prayformances

Possible Porno Name: Rent… My Vagina By The Hour

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix a mo better po people musical with sorta less gayness, Oliver!

Further Fun: Is it juss me or is Wilson Jermaine Heredia (Angel) and A-Rod bitched @ swirth?

Ushpizin
Gentiles Need Not Apply
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THE bestest Sukkot movie I have ever seen. If you don’t know what that statement even means, please stay away. This is an Israeli flick that I believe would only appeal to Jews, or people who wish they were Jewish like Madonna, Whoppi Goldberg, David Duke, or Jews for Jesus. Ushpizin (aka ‘Visitors’) is hactually a simple, yet moving tale of an orthodox Jewish couple who desperately need a miracle of money (of course it revolves around money, they’re JEWS!!) in order to celebrate Sukkot, the holiday that commemorates the Jews’ ghetto-ass temporary dwellings in the desert AND really strange fruits like gourds. Once the sweet moola arrives, the couple are able to get all Sukkoted up and shiz. Then, unexpectedly, two escaped convicts, one who knew the male bearded orthodox Jew guy when he wasn’t so hairy, show up and test their wills, patience, and limits of brotherly love. Hilarity doesn’t ensue, but a lotta heartfelt moments do. I left the theater more Jewish than I did when I entered it. Maybe you will too. Now pass the effin matzah and latkes.

Recommended for those who like: beards, babushkas, and U2’s ‘Lemon’ [d-lode]

Possible Porno Name: UPushYourPenisIntoMyMouth

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Meet The Fockers

Further Fun: les wurstest ode to Sukkot + how do build yer own Sukkah

Until next time Sukkah MCs, the balcony is clothed