Thighs Wide Shut

The Other Boleyn Girl
Twisted Sisters
Trailers & Mo

We all know about the six wives of Henry VIII, but any other woman who shared his bed has basically been all but forgotten over time. That’s what The Other Boleyn Girl hopes to fix, as it focuses on Anne Boleyn and her sister Mary and how their father and uncle practically whored them both out to win the favor and riches of the King. The results are a mixed bag, as Boleyn plays out like a less sexy, less historic version of TV’s The Tudors. And by less sexy, we mean it has ZERO bits of nudity, quite unlike its TV cousin. Yet somehow, between the crummy accents and soap operatics, which made many a woman in the audience LOL, this puppy is totally entertaining from ftart to sinish. Btw, Jim Sturgess is so hottttttttttt as the Boleyn guy

The Other Other: back in 2003, the BBC released a cheap-o version starring Natascha McElhone

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

City of Men (Cidade dos Homens)
Favela of Love & Hate
Trailers & Mo

City of Men isn’t really a sequel to City of God, but more of a culmination of the TV series of the same name, which followed two kids, Acerola and Laranjinha (Li’l Dice and Steak and Fries from CoG), who try their best to keep their heads afloat in the nasty favelas of Rio de Janeiro. So if City of God was the Goodfellas for the 00’s, then City of Men is purty much the same thing that Casino was, a very worthy successor, yet not nearly as yumcredible as the original gangster. If you can get over that fact, then you’ll enjoy it for its own merits. We recommend watching the TV series before you hit up the movie, but it’s not required, like jackets for Phil Collins’ albums

In The Beginning: before there was City of Men and City of God there was the short film Palace II, which also starred our Men Douglas Silva and Darlan Cunha, although oddly enuff, playing the opposite roles

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

Chicago 10
Courtroom Drama and Comedy
Trailers & Mo

Documentarian Brett Morgen has the great ability to take a fascinating subject and somehow make it even more fascinating by the way he presents the story. For those who saw the Robert Evans doc, The Kid Stays in the Picture, you know what we speak of. And if you don’t then boy/girl, you better Netflix the shiz outta it AwarrenSAPP! Anywho, his latest, Chicago 10, is juss more of the same from the brilliant filmmaker. Employing archival footage, modern day music, and animation that grows on you by the minute, Morgen tells the incredible tale of the protests that turned violent around the 1968 Democratic National Convention being held in Chicago, and the ensuing courtroom circus, where 8 people (plus their two lawyers, and that’s your 10) were tried for conspiracy and other charges related to the protests. You aint seen anything like this, and heard too, as the toon’s voices are supplied by the likes of Nick Nolte, Mark Ruffalo, Roy Scheider (RIP), Liev Schreiber, Jeffrey Wright and Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

Further Reading: another flick that used the trial’s transcript was 1970’s The Great Chicago Conspiracy Circus

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

The Counterfeiters (Die Fälscher)
This Year’s Oscar Winning Holocaust Movie
Trailers & Mo

We didn’t find anything all too special about The Counterfeiters, but we heard it’s inhumane to say anything negative about a film that takes place in a concentration camp, so we’ll juss not say anything… cept… this never woulda won best Foreign Language pic had Diving Bell, Persepolis or 4 Months, 3 Weeks been nominated

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Jumper
The Bored Identity Crisis
Trailers & Mo

Not that anyone asked for it, but… Jumper reunites Anakin Skywalker and Mace Windu, and this time, they’re leaving the lightsabers and George Lucas’ wooden dialog behind. So what can Doug Liman (Swingers, Go, Mr & Mrs Smith) do with this not so dynamic duo of Mr I’m In Way Too Many Movies and Cpt Brooding Monotone? Nothing much. A decent super ability of our main dude, who can jump to anywhere at anytime, is completely wasted by way of the clunky and overused jumping special effects, pointless characters and endless confusion as to what in the hellga is going on. Nothing is really explained, and by the end, no one would care to have it explained to them. We kinda wish we brought our own lightsabers into the theater, cause as soon as Rachel Bilson rears her not so ugly head, this muddled mess is pronounced DEAD, and we’re ready to lightsaber our ears and eyes out. Hopefully its tops at the box office bidness won’t equate to a sequel, Jumphim

Light Idea: How Lightsabers Work

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Lightsaber Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

In Bruges
High Adventures In The Low Countries
Trailers & Mo

In Bruges is indeed a dark comedy. The comedy can be found in the first two acts and is completely absent from the mightily dark last one. It’s quite a contrast that’s taxing on the viewer’s emotions, but it will definitely keep you entertained throughout. You’ll delight in the witty banter between hitmen Brendan Gleeson and Colin Farrell, who are posing as tourists in the gorgeous titular medieval Belgium town. They take in the sights, a cute local gal, drugs and alcohol, and even befriend a racist dwarf. Then Ralph Fiennes shows up and the comedy is quickly replaced by endless gunfire and a lot of ho-hum and glum. Even though they’re hitmen and you know blood would eventually be shed, all the violence at the end seems out of place. Whatever place that is, it’s still worth visiting

Wee Man: the dwarf, Jordan Prentice, is purty darn famous, but you’d never know why. Well, he not only was the the giant bag of weed in Harold & Kumar, but also was one of seven people to play Howard T. Duck in… Howard the Duck

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

both flicks be in theaters NOW

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Step Up 2 The Streets
410h Yeaaaaaah!!!
Trailers & Mo

Had we never been entranced slightly amused by Step Up 1 [TWS review] you wouldn’t be reading this right now. And if you never saw Step Up 1, you probably shouldn’t bother with its sequel, which really has nothing to do with the first one, other than the locations and a brief dancing cameo by Channing Tatum (G.I. Joer Duke). The cast refresh for SU2TS is a good thing, although the faux Channing Tatum isn’t as charming as the real thang, and going from Rachel Griffiths to this d-bag is beyond a Step DOWN. And the plot? Who cares when there’s plenty o’ gyratin’ and ass-shakin’ to be done (esp in that hot wet scene at the end), that’s all nicely packaged in a PG-13 kinda way. This baby is (Balti)more or less the bestest/worstest dance sequel since Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, even if it make about as much sense as Giuliani’s presidential campaign. What more is there to say cept Briana Evigan > Jenna Dewan, duhvs!

we hope to see Evigan (who reminds us of a younger version of Lisa Sheridan) again and again

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): sorta Jeepers Worth A Peepers, but only if you enjoyed SU#1

Cloverfield
The Who Cares Which Project
Trailers & Mo

85 minutes of shaky camera work is quite the assault on the eyes. But we’d choose that torture 4 zillion outta 4 zillion and 1 times instead of listening to the character ‘Hud’ babble on for any longer than 3 seconds. The special effected destruction of NYC was purty darn cool, but giving it the backseat to the perils of a few lameazoid twentysomethings was the wrong way to go. So what woulda been the right way? A film adaptation of the classic game Rampage. Not a total loss, cause we’d totally bang Odette Yustman in that hole in her shoulder. YUMM-O!!

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

both flicks be in theaters NOW

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days
(4 luni, 3 săptămâni şi 2 zile)
Bucharestless
Trailers & Mo

And the worst date movie of 2008 is… 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days! Why? One word: abortion. Urggggggggh. Always a hot topic worth exploring, but it always makes for the mos uncomfortable night at the cinema. Vera Drake was as cuddly as an abortion flick could get, but after digesting last year’s engrossing and gross doc Lake of Fire, we’ve had about enuff of the subject. Once you’ve see a real aborted fetus on screen, do you really need to see a fake one? Please don’t answer that, but if yer looking to dump or get dumped by your significant other, take em to this and tell it’s the mos romaniatic movie ever. And it won’t be a total lie since it was made in Romania

Not To Be Confused With: Arrested Development’s 3 Years, 5 Months & 2 Days in the Life Of…

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Untraceable
Offline
Trailers & Mo

We never saw FeardotCom, but if we put it and the run-of-the-millibyte cyber-crime capper Untraceable to a blind taste test, would anyone notice the difference? Actually, would anyone be willing to even take this test? Hell, if someone was forced to watch both in back to back sittings, we’re sure they’d go blind! Not to say that Untraceable is unwatchable, cause it’s not, but it’s uninspired, unthrilling, and may or may not be sponsored by the un-cola. You know there’s something not quite right when the biggest thrill in the movie is cheering on the torture of Colin Hanks

Take 2: BWE came up with a better idear… Unreadable

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Michael Clayton
Sadly Not About The Tampa Bay Buc
Trailers & Mo

Big bidness, bad practices, and whistling blowing. Apparently that trio is a winning recipe for Academy Award recognition. It’s been proven before with the smoothness of Silkwood, the bestness that was The Insider and the boobs of Erin Brockovich (Ellen Burstyn’s thumbcredible work in Requiem for a Dream was so hosed that year for the Best Actress statuette). Guess it didn’t hurt to give the formula another go, but while Michael Clayton may be well intentioned, it’s kinda formulaic to say the least. Sure the acting is top notch, Tommy Wilks has never been better, Tilda Swinton finally gets a meaty role that people will actually see, and George Clooney excels without having to resort to his trademark smirk and head bobbing, but how can a movie try to be relevant if it has nothing new to convey? Don’t know the answer, but maybe Shiva, the god of death, does

Buc The Trend: other Tampa Bay Bucs whose names also deserve a movie… BJ Askew (a porn star with multiple personalities), Cato June (a prequel about the Green Hornet‘s partner and the awesome summer month when he learned to kick ass!), Luke Petitgout (with a name like that, does it even matter what it is about?) and Jeremy Trueblood (a Najavo chief becomes the first Native American IN SPACE!!!)

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Taxi To The Dark Side
It’s Not Fare
Trailers & Mo

The message is quite clear, but that won’t stop filmmakers from saying it again and again: Ever since we started chasing the bad guys in a post 9/11 world, shiz has be beyond awful, and thunderdome. Well if Road To Gitmo or No End In Sight wasn’t enuff to boil yer blood 11 times over, then you may want to take a ride with the Taxi To The Dark Side. It’s another eye and thigh opening look at the US’s shady policies and dirty dealings, this time zeroing in on how we handle supposed terror suspects off our shores, and in a lot of cases, in excruciating detail. Taxi leaves behind director Alex Gibney’s flashy stylings that worked so well in his brills Enron doc, and instead goes for a more straight-forward approach. We were a lil disappointed at the lack of flash, but nonetheless, Gibney (who also exec-prod-ed No End In Sight) gets the point across, and that’s all that really matters

Rummy Cube: Donald Rumsfeld has built up quite the IMDb resume since 2002. Sure, mos of his screentime is jus
s recycled archival footage, but besides Billy Mitchell, is there a better villain going in documentaries these days than DR?

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Clayton and Taxi are already in theaters, and Untraceable and 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days will join them tomorrow. Also opening is The Air I Breathe [trailers], which we saw at the Tribeca FF and said… ‘We’ve all seen Crash and therefore we’ve all already seen The Air I Breathe.’

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Cassandra’s Dream
Crimes and Felonies
Trailers & Mo

 

Before the Woodman headed off to sunny Spain for his next joint, he handed in what appears to be the final pic in his unofficial British trilogy, Cassandra’s Dream. It’s uneven affair that aims for Match Point [review] fervor, and while it may not be serving ace after ace, we’d still say it wins a lot more sets than Scoop [review], and is miles (or is it kilometers?) away from the East Coast double-fault dreck that he’d been handing in earlier this decade. C’s Dream focuses on two working class brothers, Ewan McGregor and Colin Farrell (you can tell that they’re brothers cause they have the same hairdo), who are working real hard to move up to the next class. But when they’re both strapped for cash they turn to their beloved money-bagged uncle (the always solid Tom Wilkinson) for help. Little do they know that he in turn needs their assistance, for a most awful deed: offing a colleague of his who could ultimate ruin his life. The boys have a big decision to make, which could also ruin their own lives. WHAT TO DO, WHAT DO TO!!! What they do do, carries the movie. Everything else, like Ewan’s quest to bag supercutie Hayley Atwell (playing the ScarJo role in this one), their struggling ma and pa, and Colin’s bird and betting problems, gets too little attention to make this baby a Breast In Show-er. The denouement is purty good, but it clumsily comes about too quickly to leave the mark it wants to. Anywho, we have no real reason to complain about anything, hispecially since Allen’s European vacation has been the bestest one since the Griswold’s [NSFW].

Leigh High: looks like the Woodman is fan of director Mike Leigh, or at least of the cast from his Vera Drake. 8 of its actors have either appeared in Dream or Scoop. Our flavs? Phil Davis who plays the marked man in this one, and Fenella Woolgar, who simply has the greatestist name mt EVERst

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Cassandra’s Dream opens tomorrow in limited theaters

Rental Round-Up Dawg: skip the hype and Rescue Dawn altogether as Werner Herzog’s own shorter doc on the same incredible events, Little Dieter Needs to Fly, is much much more effective and memorable. another doc you can’t knock is Charles Ferguson’s gut-wrenching No End In Sight. had something like this been released in the ’04 instead of Leni Riefenstahl’s Fahrenheit 9/11, maybe it would have actually prevented people for voting for Bush. and lastly, we’ll never shut up about David Fincher’s Zodiac (more on that when we drop our ‘breast of’ shortly), esp since we know you haven’t seen it. well, even gooder things come to those who wait/wasted a year… the 2-disc super amazing awesome Director’s Cut includes fab-tab-ulous making of features + two franztastic docs about the murder cases and the prime suspect. a must for anyone with eyes. even Britney loves it

 

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…