Thighs Wide Shut

The Reader
Read It And Possibly Weep
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

The Reader‘s not the easiest thing to digest (get it, Reader’s Digest? no, we mean are you a subscriber to Reader’s Digest? get it? actually you shouldn’t since there’s plenty of other reading material more worthy of thumbing through whilst yer takin a dump). The Reader delves into the touchy topic of next generation Germans dealing with the guilt associated with the monstrosity that the last generation created, a little thing called the Holocaust, but it doesn’t really do the bestest job of conveying that guilt. Lessthenone, the story, based off the ’95 Oprah-certified best seller by Bernhard Schlink, is enticing todoings that will at least motivate some activity in yer noggin. Did we mention that we get treated (although some won’t agree) to multiple scenes of Kate Winslet showing off her Rubenesque bod? No we didn’t, but we did juss then, so we withdraw the question, but we want to reiterate that you shouldn’t subscribe Reader’s Digest, unless you want to see if yer lame jokes get published and thus make you a $100aire!

Anywho, Winslet’s a cold lonely lady who takes up with a young lad (David Kross, and played later in life by Ralph Fiennes). They wash clothes, takes baths, bone, and the boy reads to her (HE’S THE READER!!!!). Why does he read to her and not the other way around? Cause she like to be read to, and probably a distant cousin of Dexter Manley, and since German television probably sucked so bad back then that being read to was all the rage. One day Winslet goes gone baby gone (with a German accent, not an awful Boston one) and the kid is left to wonder was zum Teufel? Years later he’s a law student and his class (led by professor Bruno Ganz, who upspringed in Downfall) are czeching out some hot war crime trials. And wouldn’t you know it, but one of the guards being prosecuted is that olde lady the boy made whoopee with! OH PEITSCHENKNALL! Will they bone again? No, but other stuff happens from there, including but limited to being read to!

Like we’ve sprayed before, tis nice to hear and see a different perspective on the Holocaust that is told not by the victims, but the victimizers themselves. We recommend The Boy In The Striped Pajamas more than The Reader (The Reader is miles away butter than director Stephen Daldry‘s snoozefest The Hours) , but you should probably give em both a look, along with Good, a film starring Viggo Morts to be released/reviewed later this month

We Wanna Weimar Republick Her Face: we only/always have eyes for Alexandra Maria Lara (she plays one of the victims seen in the courtroom scenes) and her yumcredible eyes

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

The Reader opens today in NY, in LA and SF Friday and then elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Australia
A Vegemighty Heart
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

There aints no other director out there that can make a movie spectacle quite the way that Baz Luhrmann can. He shirley takes his dang time crafting these crafty craftwerks (2001’s manic Moulin Rouge!, 1996’s kinetic Romeo + Juliet and 1992’s unrestricted Strictly Ballroom), and the results are always well worth the wait (if you aint a fan then what the elle do you know about movie magic anywayzz). Lurhmann took another 7 years to get his latest feature, Australia, on to screens, and while it may not be as spectacle-tacular as the Red Curtain Trilogy, he definitely tried to step it up a notch by going epic, in every sense of the word. This baby’s a bit shy of 3 hours and what you’ll get is like 287483 movies in one: part action, part adventure, 69 parts romance, and it’s all put on display with tender tears and sunny smiles (+ a lot o’ Wizard of Oz shout outs… fitting since it takes place in Oz) that are shed and smirked by both the actors onscreen and the audience taking it in. Although all these parts don’t necessarily blend perfectly together, it’s damn near impossible to walk away from this film and not be somewhat to beyond satisfied

We were a bit skeptical about the epic proportions as the movie began, but after Nicole Kidman‘s English aristocrat character touches down under at her deceased hubby’s ranch in barren walkabout country and takes charge, the movie qwikly/quigley follows suit. She’s more familiar with catcalls than cattle, but luckily she’s got a hunky horseman (Hugh Jackman, looking like a chiseled Clint Eastwood cowboy) and some Aborigines to help her keep the ranch from being swallowed up by the monopolizing competition (headed up by long lost F/Xer talent Bryan Brown). One native son in particular, a half white-half Aborigine boy (Brandon Walters, in a mos memorable debut) is the heart of the entire picture. His is torn between his two heritages and yet he’s not doing any of the tearing. The white peoples weren’t too fond of these mixed-race offspring (much to the dismay of motherly Kidman) and they tried there best to ‘civilize’ them (same issues also tackled in the film Rabbit-Proof Fence). This is the battle (and history lesson) being fought in the background of the film, while the struggle to keep the ranch independent occupies the forefront. Eventually David bests Goliath, but that’s when the movie really gets goings. The final act revolves around Japan’s initial attack on Australia during WWII. Friends, lovers and enemies (including Boromir’s hottie bro Faramir, David Wenham) are displaced, explosions go boom, and after all the smoke clears, everyone, for the moist part, lives happily ever after. A movie named after a country has certainly a lot to live up to and Baz does a wonderful job coloring in the map, even if it’s all over the map

Bruce Spence’s Teeth For Hire: filming some fantasy flick and need someone to sport some crazy arsed set o’ teeth? look no further than Bruce Spence (probably breast known as the Gyro Captain from two Mad Max flicks, and briefly appears in Australia as Dr. Barker), who chomped it up as Tion Medon in Episode III and The Mouth of Sauron in (the cutting room floor of) LOTR: ROTK

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Cadillac Records
Hail! Hail! Rock ‘n’ Roll’s Founders
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

The rise and fall of the Chicago based Chess Records and how its Bluesy recording artists practically gave birth to the Rock n Roll era as we know it is lovingly chronicled in Darnell Martin‘s Cadillac Records (named as such since many of the artists were paid in Cadillacs). The film is bursting with personality, and then some, giving love and deserving respect to its founder Leonard Chess (Adrien Brody in a purty much thankless role… well, a lil less thankless than Emmanuelle Chriqui‘s, who plays his wife) and to its major players, their legendary tunes, and their personal demons — Muddy Waters (‘Hoochie Coochie Man’ and ‘Rollin’ Stone’, which was the inspiration for a certain band’s name) and his womanizing ways (Jeffrey Wright, lookin mighty smooth with that Billy Dee/Landosystem stache… then again, when isn’t Wright smooth?), Chuck Berry (‘Sweet Little Sixteen’, and a billion more) and his female indiscretions as well (Mos Def, effortlessly perfect in a role his seemed destined to play), Etta James (‘At Last’) and her nasty herion habit (Beyoncé Knowles, in her best screen performances to date… which is leaps and bounds better then what she did in the overbloated Dreamgirls ), Little Walter and his love of the bottle (Columbus Short who practically upstages the big guns with his minor role), and the meancing Howlin’ Wolf (Eamonn Walker, my, what big eyes you have!). The film covers quite a lot a ground in a short amount of time, and while each of these artists are worthy of their own biopics it’s still an absolute pleasure to be swept up in all the madness and mayhem that transgressed when they all crossed paths and broke barriers. The end result may feel more like a Wikipedia entry on the studio than a full-on examination, but you’ll be too busy toe-tapping and rocking out to the glorious soundtrack (the famous tunes are actually sung by the acting counterparts) to mind the missing details

Chuck Bassholes: the white man has always been stolenings the black man’s music (a topic covered in the film), but no rip off may be as blatant as The Beach Boys’ pilfering of Chuck Berry’s ‘Sweet Little Sixteen’ to create ‘Surfin USA’ (click that link to hear a comparison, courtesy of this fab site The Copy Cat). Berry successfully sued the Boys and has since been givin full songwriting credit for their song. Sometimes the opposite is true, as Ray Parker Jr famously stoles from whitey Huey Lewis in order to make the Ghostbusters theme the new drug that everyone wanted to take

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Peepers

Cadillac Records joins Australia already playing at a theater near Jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Twilight
Cut And Pasty
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

We haven’t read a single word of Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight book series, but after all the hype, hoopla and hullabaloo that oozes from it and the mammoth box office bucks earned from its subsequent film release, how could we not jump in and see what all the hot fuss is all about? And based off of our mos enjoyable experience with the cinematic equivalent, we may have to revisit and revise our first statement… if only we had time to, somewhere in between the 5 weekly magazines subscriptions we never get thru every 7 days (Time, Time Out NY, New York, EW and SI… luckily Latin Inches and Highlights aint weekly reads!!!). Then again, we may not want to since it’s sometimes nice to be sirprized when you don’t know what lies in the characters’ futures (same thing we’re doing w/Harry Potter, although the movies can never capture the all too many goings on goings on in the novels). Guess we’ll have to avoid this graffiti spoiler-filled poster at the 23rd Street–Ely Avenue E/V subway station then, eh?

For those not in the know, Twilight covers a lot of the same ground that HBO’s True Blood does, where our innocent young heroine (here Kristen Stewart, in her best, least annoying role yet) falls for a forever young vamp beefcake (Harry Potter & The Goblet of Hotness‘ Robert Pattinson), who’s trying to keep the lady safe from danger (with a lotta help from his pasty-white family, led by Jennie Garth‘s hubby Peter Facinelli), especially from other blood lusty vamps (that slimy troublemaker Volchok dude from The OC!) including himself. Spankfully, Twilight is free of True Blood‘s funny accents (which are starting to make our blood boil more than those endless ‘saved by 0%‘ ads), and cause it’s aimed at the hearts of younger girls, there aint no gratuitous violence/sex to be found. It was a wise move that they hired Catherine Hardwicke to helm this mother, cause she’s a proven pro at playing with the emotions that come with tough young love. If you’ve seen her Thirteen yous knows what we speak of (+ yer also probably having second thoughts about having children). She may not hit toothy vampire home runs (even with the odd scene where the vamp fam plays ball) like Joel Schumacher did with The Lost Boys (one of his only good movies, EVER), but her steady holding-handiwork with the misfits kids gettin all gooey-eyed makes this one of better teen flicks to come out in some years, so eat that Nick and Norah and your infinite lameness!

Bella of The Ball: although her spikey hair in the flick makes her look kinda gothy gross, Ashley Greene has totally throwns a stake into our heart!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Let The Right One In
(Låt Den Rätte Komma In)
Sleep With The Swedish Fishes
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Wait, there’s another film out there about love and vampires? Yeppers, but this one’s even morerer differenter than the others cause it’s about kids, IN SWEDEN!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah! Let The Right One In only gots one vampire in it, a little girl (Lina Leandersson), and when she moves into a new apartment complex, her thirst for blood starts making the neighbors disappear and our lil lonely protagonist’s (KÃ¥re Hedebrant) heart grow founder. The film, outside of this one crazy cool scene with a person ablaze, moves at a snail’s pace and all the vampy feeding time stuff kinda gets in the way of what works best, focusing in on the boy’s solitude and the kids that bully him. His blossoming relationship with the little girl is mos certainly touching, but the whole enchilada coulda had more bang for its buck had it played out with less fang

Title Wave: the book/film’s title is an homage to the Morrissey song ‘Let The Right One Slip In’ [d|vid], a bonus track from the special edition version of his ’88 album Viva Hate [wikiP]

Verdictgo: low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Twilight and Let The Right One In are already playing in theaters, but if yer sick of the vamps, juss stay home and watch Horace scream about Wolfman’s nards

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Milk
It Does A Body Mind Good
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

If Harvey Milk’s name is new(s) to you, lemme hexplain. No, there’s not enuff time, lemme summarize. Harvey Milk was a 40 year old man, hiding in the closet, while living a corporate life/lie in New York. One day he decides to follow his younger boyfriend to San Francisco, wearing flowers in his hair, where he begins to come clean about who he really is. The two open up a camera shop in SF’s gay friendly Castro area (the film actually shot in the same exact space where the camera shop resided) and Milk starts to make a voice for himself and other gays in the community. Realizing the large potential that this untapped voting bloc could do to shape local politics, as well as help their own cause, Milk decides to run for public office. After a few unsuccessful campaigns, yet raising his profile on each attempt, and with a little help from Mayor George Moscone, Milk eventually won and became a member of SF’s board of supervisors in 1977, making him the very first openly gay man to ever be elected to public office in the United States (fythighs- Elaine Noble of Massachusetts became the first openly gay person to be elected in the States). As his popularity continued to soar, pressure mounted on Milk from both sides, as an advocate for gay rights (hispecially in the vote against California’s wicked Proposition 6, which wanted to ban gays and lesbians from working in public schools) and from those who opposed him and his lifestyle. He started receiving death threats, and even recorded an audio tape explaining what his friends, followers and fellow politicians should do in the advent of his assassination. Sadly, the tape served a purpose as another city supervisor by the name of Dan White murdered both Milk and Mayor Moscone at City Hall, a mere 9 days after the Jonestown mass suicide had already rocked and shocked the Bay area (fythighs 2- M & M’s winning election campaigns were helped in large part by the support of Jim Jones and his Peoples Temple. So much so that Moscone appointed Jones as Chairman of the San Francisco Housing Commission. None of this interesting bidness is mentioned in the film howevers). Milk’s devotees could gotsen mad upset and rioted and stuff over the killings, but as he pleaded and hoped in that tape, they turned ‘that anger and frustration and madness into something positive‘, and for generations to come. Don’ts worry, we didn’t ruin anything for ya cause this shiz is history, and a history mos definitely worth taking note of

Milk the film captures these events, exploring his professional relationships (Victor Garber as Moscone, Emile Hirsch as eventual AIDS quilt founder Cleve Jones, Alison Pill as campaign manager Anne Kronenberg, the list goes on), and to a weaker extent, his personal ones (James Franco as his camera store cohort/companion Scott Smith and Diego Luna as his later troubled lover Jack Lira), but at the center of it all shines Sean Penn in the title role. Although he kinda sounds like he’s acting in I Am Sam 2 at times, Penn, with prosthetic nose and all, completely embodies Milk heart and soul. Josh Brolin continues his non-stop winning streak of bestness by playing the disgruntled and confused assassin, with straight hair that we’d die for. We get to see a lot more of Brolin as White than we thought we would, and his conversations and confrontations with Penn as Milk are among the mos powerful and exceptional scenes in the film. Gus Van Sant does a fine job with the material he’s given (not based off of any book, but by the legwork of Dustin Lance Black), handing in a mainstream biopic that lacks the subtlety that embodied his last four droll and dreamy flicks like Gerry, Elephant, Last Days and Paranoid Park (although doesn’t lack in style at all, as he used DP Harris Savides, who helped to give another SF 70s period piece its good look: ZODIAC!!!!!). He may have hactually done one better had he told the story in a similar vein to those smaller films

If you haven’t (like we thighly suggested ages ago) czeched out the egggggsalad Oscar winning documentary The Times of Harvey Milk, then you should definitely do so above all else. Yes, even if you have to choose between it and giving peepage to Van Sant’s slant on the same song and dance. Not to say that Milk (as we overheard one critic say, Van Sant’s most ‘straight‘ film) isn’t worthy of your eyes, but Harvey Milk’s accomplishments far outweigh want transpired in his personal life and that’s the deal breaker that separates the two in our minds. Guess Van Sant wanted to complete the picture and make a ‘Life AND Times of Harvey Milk‘, and in doing so he demonstrates to us how much of an inspiration Milk was, but we didn’t necessarily feel completely inspired by what we saw, like we did with the doc. Regardless, they both celebrate Milk’s trailblazering legacy and his lasting effect on the fight for gay rights. Milk lit the fire, and although he fell, thankfully others have picked up his torch and carried on the work that is far from finished

Flag Bearer: Milk’s friend and fellow activist Gilbert Baker created the Rainbow Flag that has since become the m
ain symbol of the LGBT community. Yes, you can go ahead and blame Baker for ruining the rainbow for us straight people… unless yer a fan of the University of Hawaii

Crafty Services: the film gave special thanks to Escape From New York Pizza, and we say thanks to the film for introducing us to the bestest pun restaurant mt EVERest

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Milk opens today, a day before the anniversary of his death, in limited release

enjoy yer turkey and stuffins
and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Quantum of Solace
Finding Ever Bland
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Casino Royale (w/o cheese) ushered in a new era for James Bond, and for all its welcomed freshness, it ruled hard mostly cause it reminded us of the ye olde Connery Bond days that started the world’s love affair with the double 0 snapper. There wasn’t much glamor or glitz or explosions or car chases (OK, there was that one hamazin bit where the car tumbles for an entirety) or really any need for it cause Royale was juss Bond, gold bond (and not juss the fair-haired version, but a gold medal winner that keeps on gettin better and better with each viewing… thank you Showtime!). One would expect that more of the same straight-laced/forward awesomeness would be in store for Daniel Craig’s second adventure in a Tom Ford tux, but in this world, especially the film world, nothing is certain and tomorrow never knows, or dies. Yet no one would expect that the first ever Bond sequel, Quantum of Solace, which picks up on the action one hour after Royale ended with Bond shooting the mysterious Mr White in the leg, would return the franchise right back into the dark ages of convoluted storytelling and frivolous frivolity. There’s no gimmicky gadgets to be found, but it seemed to be the only thing missing from this mos disappointing misstep in the wrong direction. Don’t worry though kiddies, cause Craig still totally rocks and owns the Bond character, and we hope he continues to do so beyond his 4 film contact. So much so that it’s a lil hard to picture the former front-runner, and our top choice, Clive Owen, or anyone else for that splatter taking over that coveted license to kill

The main problem with Quantum of Solace is… everything. Well that’s not entirely true, since the 1st half of the film is somewhat enjoyable to watch, but after a certain point, it all starts to drag and drag and drag and finally reaches a conclusion that’s not really a conclusion and if it was a real conclusion you don’t feel like anything needed concluding cause you don’t know what the frak is going on or why it’s going on more than this sentence is running on! Wasn’t this suppose to be all about avenging the death of Vesper? Was her death avenged? We saw the movie and we still don’t even know. The poor directing (from the man that brought you Billy Bob Thorton and Halle Berry bangin raw on the floor, and Afghan kids loving dem some kites, but hating dem some being raped!) and very very sloppy editing didn’t help, and probably the fact that at least 3 people took a stab at the script. Also this henchman’s hair didn’t help, and we pray that no one dresses up as him for Halloween next year… or, while wees at it, Sarah Palin (who sullied good people who have similar last names), and come to think of it, she’d make an amazing Bond nemesis

We think there’s a plot in Quantum somewhere, but haven’t a firm clue as to what it is so we’re gonna tell you what happened (skip this paragraph if you don’t want to know jack… or jill). It starts out with something about James Bond in Italy interrogating Mr White and then not and then going to Haiti to randomly meet a hot chick (Olga Kurylenko, juss one of the fappable Quantum girls) where he also meets his villain (Mathieu Amalric) who’s not very villainous (what a waste of great great talent, so czech out the movie review below to read about his talents not being wasted), even though he has the bestest stare mt everest, yet we know he’s evil cause they tell us he his and cause he works for the mysterious Quantum organization, but there’s no mention of solace, or what the fraz Quantum is or does cept that he and his pals buy up land or something for some reason from other shady characters around the globe, and Bond finds this out at an opera in Austria or something so he wants to follow them to Bolivia but his credit cards are frozen so he goes to Italy to drag poor Marcus Mathis into this and then they finally go to Bolivia, where we also meet a new MI6 agent who is also hot (Gemma Arterton, yet another one of dem fappable Quantum girls) and they all attend a party where the villain is talking to people (in English!) and then the hot chick pops up again and then like more stuff happens and there’s a dusty old plane ride in the desert and then water’s discovered and stuff and its boring and then Felix Leiter (Jeffrey Wright, who should always appear in every movie with a beard) shows up and talks to Bond for like 8 seconds and then they watch the movie 8 Seconds Bond and the first hot chick go into a different desert where some stoopid fat Generalissimo or Colonelissimo or hater of Col Mustard is signing the papers our villain wants him to sign, and then gunshots are fired and then explosions are exploded and then there’s some desert desertion and then the basic story of Solace is dunzo. After that we finally get some sorta kinda closure on the Vesper stuff, but not really, and Bond and M (whose matriarchal relationship with her young agent is by far the bestest aspect of the film) talk in the snow and then the credits roll and at the end of the credits they say ‘James Bond Will Return’, but no mention of the return being bigger and badder and munch better than what we juss saw

Wowzer, that hexplanation almos give us more of a brain melt than Synecdoche, NY did, cept S, NY came from the genius mine of Charlie Kaufs and Solace didn’t (hmmmm, there’s an idea). Seriously, WTF is with the plot? We had to read three different Wikipedia pages to even sorta figure out how it all fits together and how all the characters relate to each other, but after absorbing that knowledge, we still don’t know nothing, and as time passes from our screenin
g, we’re starting not to care. Doesn’t really matter though cause ye gonna see this flick even if we told you that Solace is nuttin but 2 hours of Dame Judi Dench writing in her diary about her fantasies of friendships with teachers. Actually that movie was already made, a damn fine one at that, but these words are (about) Bond! Guess the poor writing was on the wall after our initial lukewarm listenage of Jack White/Alicia Keys’ theme song, ‘Another Way To Die’. It’s fine, but it coulda been mo mo better, right? Hopefully Bond 23 will find another way to tell a story

München To Do About Something: although they don’t share a single scene together, you may want to find some solace by watching, for the first or hopefully zillionithethith time, Daniel Craig and Mathieu Amalric do some real dirty revenge work in the BRILLIANT Señor Spielbergo flick Munich

Verdictgo: sadly, Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

A Christmas Tale
(Un conte de Noël)
Family Fatale
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Yer bestest Mathieu Amalric bet at the movies this tweakend (for those in NY/LA… sorry everyone else) is actually not Quantum of Solace, but Arnaud Desplechin‘s udderly delightful A Christmas Tale, which is basically the French equivalent of A Family Stone, with juss as many family feuds and foods, good looking peoples, but luckily, with 100% less horseface (wethinks this equined-face rule should be an amendment added to the Constitution). Amalric is the erratically behaved black (and blue) sheep of his family, having been forcefully estranged years ago from anyone in the brood by his bitter (for no reason ever explained) sister (Anne Consigny, the grown up Emma Watson lookin beauty who joined Almaric in Diving Bell/Butterfly). But when it’s revealed that their mother (Catherine Deneuve, luminous as always) has cancer and a bone marrow transplant from one of her kin can possibly save her, it brings everyone together under one roof for the first time in a long time

Rounding out the cast is a who’s who of French cinema: Almaric’s lady friend Emmanuelle Devos (this is one of 7 films they’ve been in together!), Jean-Paul Roussillon as his warm father, hottie pie Melvil Poupaud as his peacemaking youngest brother, Deneuve’s real life daughter Chiara Mastroianni as Poupaud’s wife and thus Deneuve’s daughter-in-law on screen, and their painter cousin Laurent Capelluto, who’s been holding back his feelings for his cousin-in-law Mastroianni. There are plenty of other fine characters and actors to be found within the family/flick, but we can’t mention everyone cause this isn’t Cahiers du cinéma

Anywho, A Christmas Tale seems and is absurdly long, clocking in at 2 and 1/2 hours, but we’d be hard pressed to say that any of part of it is unnecessary. By the time Christmas day and it’s tale comes and goes and the nest returns to empty, we feel a bit sad to say goodbye to our new found friends and family, regardless of how dysfunctional they are. Luckily you can revisit them anytime you like, juss like we do every year with Ralphie and the rest of the fragile (pronounced Fra-gee-lay, since it must be Italian) Parker clan

A Hot Chip Off The Olde Block: step aside Eva ‘daughter of Susan Sarandon’ Amurri, cause we’re totally more hot these days for Deneuve’s fille Chiara Mastroianni

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Tale opens today in limited release, while Quantum leaps to a theater near Jews

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…