Thighs Wide Shut

A Single Man
He’s Not There
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

A Single Man aint your sister’s typical foppish Colin Firth British rom-com kinda movie. For once it’s your gay uncle’s turn to have everyone’s hearthrob all to himself, even if it’s more a break than a throb! Outfitted with a pair of Michael Caine 60s glassies, and a wardrobe by Tom Ford (also pitching in as the film’s writer, director and self-financier of the whole dang thing!!!), Firth, dishing out his finest work since his Mr Darcy days, plays a man who has reached a point of no return, or so he thinks. Unable to recover from the death of his younger lover (Matthew Goode, more suited here than he was when he panzied up Ozymandias in Watchmen), the refined closeted professor heavily contemplates joining his tru love by doing himself in. If you ever saw the doc Chris & Don: A Love Story, about this story’s original author, Christopher Isherwood and his young lover, you’ll have better feel on the feelings involved

The plan is set in motion, but Firthy first has to go through one last day of day to day drudgery, and as the said day progresses, he keeps finding plenty of bright spots in otherwise drab world. Dem bright spots all revolve around encounters his has with people he already knows (his loopy BFF neighbor Julianne Moore, doing a way too odd British accent, a flirty student of Firth’s lookin fine in an angora sweater… and butt nekkid as well, played by About A Boy/Skiner Nicholas Hoult + a hot Spaniard, an eerie lil girl & her cheery mum Ginnifer Gooidwin), and every time he interacts with them, we literally see the washed out sepia tones on screen turn all lush and warm, and it’s a thang of udder beauty

Hactually the entire film is a masterpiece… in terms of style (the substance works fo the moist part, but wouldn’t say we were blowns away by it), and feels like one giant sad Sal-centric episode of Mad Men if it were directed by Todd Haynes (Velvet Goldmine, Far From Heaven) or perhaps the needs to workin mo Tom Kalin (see Swoon!!!). That’s sum hammazin queer cinema company to be in, and for Ford’s first try that’s really saying sumting. And a word to you ass-piring male gay filmmakers out there, apparently if you want to suck-seed, your first name muss start with a ‘T’ and you muss also cast Juliane Moore, who has appeared in all three of the aforementioned directors’ films!

Even Gay Men Love Boobs: here be two of Man‘s secretaries who could turn anyone straight…

hottie Keri Lynn Pratt

& cutie Jenna Gavigan

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEFFFFF Worth A Peepers

Man opens in NY/LA/SF only this Friday and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

his name is Michael Caine

The Lovely Bones
Rattle & Huh?
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

You know right off the bat that lil Susie Salmon (Saoirse Ronan and her impeccable set of peepers, who can purty much own the world of acting for the rest of her life if she wants to) gonna die. She tells us this in voice-over, and so we wait and wait for her innocent youth to be stripped from her body and her soul to linger on forever in the heartbroken minds of her family (including miscast parents Mark Wahlberg and Rachel Weisz). And by the time we’ve gottsen to know Susie Q with her simple hopes and dreams (she’s ohhhh so close to kissing the hot guy with the curly hair!!!), and her vibrant colorful 70s world (the costuming rox & the shopping mall was so mad foreals it gave it chills… see below) we didn’t want her to die. And yet she does. Then the movie, based on Alice Sebold‘s breastselling novel, splits into two worlds: the one she left behind and the new one she’s stuck in, a sorta fantasia purgatory where she comes to terms that life is over

The world without Susie is where Peter Jackson (w/scripting partners Fran Walsh and Philippa Boyens)’s film excels, and the other, a dreamlike wonderland, turns out to be one giant CGI-filled nightmare. Remember that scene in Contact where Jodie Foster talks to an alien who looks like her dad on a distant planet’s beach, and how crummy it looked? All of the Lovely Bones netherworld stuff is juss as crummy if not more crummy (also probably a lot like What Dreams May Come, but we never saw that, so we can’t vouch if it’s crummy or is as crummy)! There’s a lot of this nonsense, and maybe it worked in the book where you could picture it however you wanted to, but brought to life on screen, it’s kinda more dead than Susie. Petey was certainly the right man for this job, but if he can’t pull it off then no one probably can (well, maybe Tim Burton?)

While Susie explores la-la land, her family grieves and her killer (Stanley Tucci, one of the few bright spots in the film, who with green contact lenses out creeps Michael Jackson and his yellow eyes that pop out at the very end of the ‘Thriller’ video) remains at large, and barely in charge. The heat starts to turn up on him as a suspect, with Susie’s sister (hello lovely boned Rose McIver!) carrying the torch of the witch hunt. So what’s the focus here? Catching the killer? Letting Suse rest in peace? Having Markie Markus prove that he can do more than talk to animals? None of the above?

Time continues to pass and pass, but the girl’s haunting memory remains for one and all. We’re haunted as well, but sadly more so by those not so surreal surreal images that made us wish that The Nothing would swing on by and eat up her neverending story

Last Mall Standing: THE MALL!!!! yes, that funky retro looking mall in Bones is the effin shaz!!! and how could it not with it’s LOTR nod early on (look for it in the bookstore window) and Peter Jax cameo (juss remember, he’s skinny these days). and ya know what, it is indeed fo real (or was)!!! Although most of the filming was dones up in New Zealand (duh!), the mall shiz was dones down, second unit style, at MacDade Mall, right outside of Philly!! Here’s a Flicka set of the mall’s closing, and another of it reborn as a Lovely 70s hang out + some video shmideo!! Thirsty for more ye olde awesomes malls? then look no further then this classic thigh fav: Malls of America: Vintage photos of lost Shopping Malls of the ’50s, ’60s & ’70s

Verdictgo: Jeepers Somewhat?? Worth A Peepers

Skin
Deep!
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

We’re a fan of anything with the word ‘skin’ in it (cept for J Simpsons’ In My Skin & CANCER!!!): Skins, Mysterious Skin, potato skins, Mr Skin, your mother’s silky smooth skin, and flubvs course, the Redskins. Add Skin, a South African true story about a dark skinned girl (we remember you Sophie Okonedo!) born to white parents (Sam Neill and Alice Krige, both so fine maybe they shoulda been the Lovely Bones parents) struggling to define herself in the time of apartheid, to that list!!! Bring some Kleenex, but leave the Jergen’s at home you dirty fork, cause this film is juss toooo greaaaaaaaaaaaaat to miss!!!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show, yo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bones opens in NY/LA only this Friday and elsewhere elsewhen. Skin be already being thick in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Twilight Saga: New Moon
My So-Called Monster Squad
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

You got an instant lady’s take on New Moon and nows you gots a well belated one from yours drooly. WHOOPTY DOOOO! Well, we are not a womans, but we do enjoy hunky mens cause we is 1/18ths gays. Jacob is way hunkier than Edward and Jacob is way better for Bella than Edward, but who cares cause Bella isn’t worth anyone’s hunkiness. Her dad has a mustache so she probably has one too. Plus she always looks way too distraught, in a sorta Chloe from 24 meets Willie McGee I’m about to fart face, but maybe not as flatulent. The first movie was fun and the second one was not as. There was no crazy baseballs. There was also no nekkid Ashley Greene, but that was also a problem with the first movie. Michael Sheen did show up and wasn’t playing someone British for once and that was kinda neat, but we didn’t understand that whole bit about being in some Italian city with red cloaked people and then Dakota Fanning was there without her retarded dad Sam, and she wasn’t raped either and she’s old as sh%t and then like someone grabs Edward and throws him to the ground and stuff! OH NO!! Huh? Who cares! We don’t, but we care about Jacob. Bet he’s feeling really vulnerable right about now. Maybe if we fall down and hit our head he can tear off his shirt and wipe our fiveheads with it. JACOB!!!!!!!!!!!! we wants to climb your ladder AND your abs!!!!!!!!!!!! Haven’t read the books but guess that Jacob doesn’t win Bella’s heart so therefore the next two movies will blow, unless Ashley Greene gets nekkid and gets on top of a nekkid Jacob. Team Redskins!

Moon Patrol: although relatively new, peas never 5get Devin Hester’s full moon

Verdictgo: whatevs.net, but still Jeepers Worth A Peepers

New Moon is currently being eclipsed at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Everybody’s Fine
They Feel Your Alexander Payne
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Remember when Robert De Niro was an actor and not a caricature onto himself? Think he bucked that Rocky & Bullsh%t trend with his work that worked in What Just Happened, but we already forgot about that movie (wait, what did happen?), so the fine for everybody Everybody’s Fine is a fine reminder for everybody that De Niro is capable of being De Niro, juss not the kind you really want him to be… in the hands of Scorcesesescese. seriously, why haven’t they teamed up again? There’s no good reason and if there is a good reason no one wants to hear it. So Marty, dump yer boy DiCaprio in a river and hurrys up and make a Jimmy The Greek biopic with Bobby D in the lead. Somehow you can work in Pesci, and the Oscars will flow like Pearl Jam’s ‘Even Flow’. if that happens then all will be right in the world again. Righty right? Yep

Waking Ned Devine director Kirk Jones has refashioned Giuseppe Tornatore‘s Stanno Tutti Bene into an American yarn about De Niro the widower and his simple wish to see his four distant growns up kids (three being Drew Barrymore, Kate Beckinsale + Sam Rockwell) together for the holidays. When they all cancel on a visit to see lonely pops, he sets off on a cross-country adventure to see em instead, which turns out to be a not so all that adventurous adventure (OK, the bus station scene with the vagrant kid was good stuffs, but the rest was kinda middle of the road… movie). Think of Fine as a less funny Planes, Trains & Automobiles that really wishes it was About Schmidt. And how could you blame it for wanting to do that, herspecially since Schmidt is the effin sh#t

Family Splatters: Lily Mo Sheen plays the childhood version of her mum Katie Becks in Fine. Mo is the by-product of B’sale and former flame Michael Sheen. the two were Underworld co-stars, and their relationship ended when KB left Sheen for the film’s director Len Wiseman. here’s a recent pic of Len, Becky and lil Mo on a typical night out on the town

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Fine be fine in select cities today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

pee es – if you haven’t already, you MUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS MUSS MUSS MUSS MUSST watch the ESPN 30 for 30 thing on Jimmy The Greek. tis be the mos gripping piece of watching stuff to hit television all years!!!

Pirate Radio
The Boat That Didn’t Rock
or The Boat That Sucked A$$!
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Hey Pirate Radio (which was once called The Boat That Rocked in its Native country and was somehow 20 minutes achingly longer) wake us up when yer done being so in love with yerself. Yeah, seriously, get a room with yerself, and then sink to the bottom of the ocean and never submerge or re-emerge or whatever merge cause you are AWFULes like really bad waffles or wiffle ball bats or Casey at Batman’s or Casey Kasem and Sean Casey watching Kazaam. Yes, seriously, yes. NO!!! NO!!! Ships a-oy!! WHY Richard Curtis y? X? Y? Zzzzzzzz? No one should love actually this movie. Notting OFF, not hill. Five funerals, no weddings! Bridget Jones would have a diarrhea if she saw this film you call a movie that is straight up, straight down unfunny, unfortunate, and unwatchable. January Jones shows up and proves once again that she’s about as talented as Christmas Jones. OK, so the fact that pirate radio stations in the UK’s high seas eggsisted is kinda um-musing, but why take that and then put the world’s giantestistest anchor into your storytelling and then make Kenneth Brawn-aaaaaaah have the mos grating role in his acting career that has stalled more recently than all the stalls found in Jerry Stahl’s shower stall museum that he co-owns with Armin Müller-Stahl. We HATED this movie more than we hated your mom cause she vomited on our cock. The End!

Musick To Our Stomachs: great soundtrack, but as the even greater A.O. Scott pointed out, most of the songs used cames out after 1966, when the film supposedly takes places. boooooo urns. want a real pirate radio movie, when then PUMP UP THE MOTHERFORKIN VOLUME!!!

Verdictgo: WURST IN SHOW aka Slit Dem Eyes Out RePOOOOOOOOOPelusssz!!!

Bad Lieutenant:
Port of Call New Orleans
I Know Why the Nic Caged Bird Swings For The Fences
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Remember when Nic Cage overacted his heart out playing Nic Cage trapped in John Travolta’s body pretending to be John Travolta in Face/Off? Well imagine if Nic Cage was trapped in John Travolta’s body, but tried to be Nic Cage, but was also trapped inside his own body and also tried to be Nic Cage and those two bodies were really one body and that body attended a school of over-overacting, and he was so good at overacting that he was a shoe and a sock in for valedictorian of over the counter overacting. Can you imagine it? Can you? YOU CAN! Throw in Werner Herzog, some hallucinogenic iguanas, MURDER!, the deep dirty south, Val Kilmer, Grima Wormtongue, Eva Mendes playing a whore juss like she is, a dog, Jennifer Coolidge acting serious, drugs, more drugs, more overacting, some black people, Xzibit being one of them, and Xzibit being one of the wurstest ‘rappers’ turned ‘actors’, multiply all of that times crazy crazy crazy like the Crazy Bread from Little Caesars and your port of call is a port of AUTHORITY! The cage has been broken and you will laugh! You’ll be scared, and you may juss forgive Cage for being Cage. Cage closed. Or is just opening? Cage against the machine!

Out Of Mind Out Of Time: 1987 – proposes to Patricia Arquette at first sight. She refuses; he suggests a ‘quest’ to prove his love. She asks for J. D. Salinger’s autograph, a black orchid, a Bob’s Big Boy statue, and a Tibetan wedding dress. Cage obliges; Arquette again refuses, then relents in 1995; marriage lasts six years [The Wild, Wild Ways of Nicolas Cage, a timeline]

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers and a creepers!!

The Box
The Box That Maybe Rocked?
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

There was a box and it had a button. If a couple (the dude with the laser eyes in X-Men and the girl that we’d all bang but looks like the Cuban Joker) pushes the button then they get 1 millionnnns dollars but someone dies, someone thighs and Frank Lungjello still has part of his mouth face missing!!! what? WHAT@!!@! They DO push the button, which activates the box so someone dies, we think and then people start acting strange cause it’s the 70s!! The dude works sorta at NASA, and it’s a movie directing by the Donnie Darko cat. Got it, but that doesn’t explain the really strange library where Jerri Blank’s stepmother works (maybe?). What about that other stuff, stiff, aliens, what? What’s that light? Why are things happening that make no sense or dollars? Do you cents something strange? We have no clue what happened in the movie but it was kinda cool, right? YES. On second thought, still yes, but hey, a movie doesn’t have to make sense to make change for a dollar, whether it’s an American one or an Australian dollar or whether the weather can make a pitcher out of a picture. Read that reed, and pee on a pea, you. YES, ewe!!!

We Can’t Handle The Turths: wanna know what The Box is alls about? PUSH HERE!!

Verdictgo: with reservations, still Jeepers Sorta Worth A Peepers

theses movies are already doing things in theaterses NOW

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…