Thighs Wide Shut

Wooahdeehoodeehow kids!! What a semi-effin-boring Super Bowl that was, eh? Well, I’m mainly saying that cause I was in Motown Philly and was pulling for dem Eagles hard. And with the loss, there wasn’t one riot or lootingage to join in on. FORKsticks!! I really needed a new TV too! It was probably a good thing since I was in a mighty food coma thanks to my famous 7-layer dip. Anywho, I’ll have a full pictorial of my cheesesteak pilmigrage tomorrow or Whizday, so stay tuned. In the meantime, here’s the crap…

– Peter Gallagher/Sandy Cohen better get his act together, cause another Gallagher is taking a stab at acting… and this one is the real king of eyebrows.

– The Gorillaz & Coldplay’s forthcoming LPs will not be released until after Marzo 31st cause EMI blows. At least they’re paying their employees for the next two weeks, unlike a company I know.

– It’s so UNphair that Liz finally lets us see her boobage. [via ProductNYCer]

– Marissa/Mischa/Mischka’s lesbian storyline only to last ‘five or six episodes‘. BOOOOOOOO! At least DJ’s back to mowing someone else’s lawn.

– Jurassic 5 & Black Crowes are Bonnaroo bound.

– No word on a release date yet, but Twin Peaks season 2 DVDs will contain brand spankin new video transfers. And by spankin, I mean to the thought of Mädchen Amick serving up some of her pie.

– Carnie Wilson, fat once again.

– Female Soldier Demoted For Mud Wrestling [via Fleaski]

– Japanese homeless men get free HJs by women who love dirt! [via Guns n Rosenthal]

– Man Spends £3K on KitKats

– My Spidunkadunk Makes Your Vagina Look Like Phil Donahue!

– Wurstest Animated Spock w/Sideburns Gif That Will Destroy Your Eyes [via Golden DisSpencer]

– Her Royal Thighness the II’s, aka dElishious Cuthbert, next project will be The Itty Bitty Titty Committee. I cant bee leave for a second that she’s actually on that committee, and not on they’re rivals’, The Super Luscious Cockteasing Backsideriffic Committee. And I love how I don’t even need to do any Cuthy pic sleuthing anymore, they juss cum to me, via such makers and pushers of hotty hotness like Tony & Tr3nt! Kisses on all yer all’s pink parts.

– Carmen Sandiego is on the loose again, and this time she stole part of Ricky Williams’ beard!! Cue Rockapella theme song and go get ’em gumshoes!

– Can someone please tell my why Time Magazine selects a Person of The Year and not Man of The Year? Don’t get me wrong, I aint no sexist, cause I love nothing more than women and their thighs, but ‘Person’ juss sounds plain redonkeylous.

– Del Skins are somehow still in the thick of things for that final and pathetic Wild Card spot in the NFC.

– Tis official, that massive Coachella 2005 line-up, pure hogwash. What the fork is hogwash any way? Dirty bacon water? Someone please eggsplain.

– I have a bad feeling about Field Day Fest 2005… hispecially if someone named Blum Bump is involved.

– Due to popular de man, the Arcade Fire’s Feb 1st Bowery show has been moved to Webster Hall. Additional tickets go on sale Monday @ noon here.

– Good Charlotte singer refuses to give Lohan’s brother an autograph until she apologized to Hilary Duff for being such a bizatch and making more money than her.

– Ever wanted to see Tonya from Real World: Chitown in her birthday suit? Now be yer chance! [NSFWness via Zachk del Roachclip & H-Lister]

– Gorillaz.com, back in bidness!

– The video for the Chemical Brothers’ latest tune, ‘Galvanize’, featuring Q-Tip, can be found here.

– People in France lover octopussessyses, hate McDonalds.

– Cure for snoring found! That’s good news to anyone sleeping next to me… which would be NOBODY! Don’t cry for me, I’m asexual, with a fetish for creamy female thighs.

– Some dude gets interviewed, pukes on desk. [via The Hater of Cubes]

– And finally, here’s a picture of my face doing crazy things, during happier times, when a Polish girl gave me like 15 free Miller Lites, and my fantasy football squads were actually scoring points and not shitting the bed. Thanks Peyton, you deserved to be booed.

Oh Cuthy Cutbertonson. What a wild time we had on yer B-day the other night, right? Remember when Stephen Dorff showed up and we couldn’t stop talking about how umcredible he was in S.F.W.? Or how bout when we went home, got decked out in our birthday suits and went wiz-niz-wild on each other for 14 straight hours? Those Dirty Sanchezes, Kansas City Car Washes, Albuquerque Caber Tosses, and dem Iron Curtain Sirprizes were some of the breastest that me have ever been a part of. And how thoughtful of you to give me a gift on yer special day: dying yer hair back to the correct color. You deserve an even bigger night out doll face. First we’ll hit up yer fav Popeyes, then we’ll play in the ball bin at Chuck E Cheeseseses, and finally head home for even more dirty blonde action, whilst watching the Punky Brewster DVD collection that I bought you for yer B-day. Anywho, czech out these very uninterestinging snaps I took from the sha-bang. [via Central Villa]

– Tits rather sad that there’ll won’t be a Lord of The Bling flick in theaters this winter, but I think the extended special version of ROTK will help to pass the time… especially since 50 minutes have been added!!! Czech out this extended preview of the extended edition that helps my wang get extended. I mean, who knew that Faramir was such a mack daddy with my girl Miranda HOTto?

– I contact Wagamama once a year asking them to purty please open a branch in the US. And this year’s response is much like year’s past: “We do intend to go to the states but there are no official plans as we already have a very busy opening schedule this year.” Boo URNS peoples! I need yer help, so please contact Wagamama and demand quality slurping noodles NOW! Btw, Noodles is lord!

– Jessica Simpson looking to Bjork for inspiration? Thats like Chef Boyardee looking to Wolfgang Puck for some helpful hints… then again, he can get some of those from Heloise.

– Cereal: The Bar AND Cafe! [via Made of Brawnsteeeen]

– ESPN: The Phone Service!

– Spaceballs: The Flamethrower!

– Is any Martini really worth $10,000? Or how bout any hooker? I meant snooker table.

– Add lava lamps to the growing list of unusual murderererers.

– Will this be The Breast Christmas Ever? I dunno, will it?

– The top 10 words of the year based on searches of Merriam-Webster Web sites be: 1. blog 2. incumbent 3. electoral 4. insurgent 5. hurricane 6. cicada 7. peloton 8. partisan 9. sovereignty and 10. defenestration. What? No love for heteroflexible or mobnoxious? [via Fleaski]

And here are three fine job ops for you…

– Wanna be the next member of the Gorillaz? Click here for more info.

– Wanna be that guy/girl who replaces that hot chick from Jeopardy!’s Clue Crew? Click here.

– Wanna be my bitch intern? Email me here.

– As reported earlier, former t.A.T.u. svengali, Ivan Shapovalov has pieced together the first act in what has got to be a new genre of music: suicide bomber pop. Is the world ready for his latest perversion, n.A.T.o.? Pretty tasteless that the tix to their first show on 9/11 resembled airline tickets. [via Popbitch]

– Dan the Automattica and the Gorillaz gone (marc) splitzville? Too bad his replacement is Danger Mouse. Bring on the next shoe shine, cause ya know its gonna be cool.

– This is more of Stereogumesque than Thighs Wide material, but why not bid on Britney’s discarded Cheetos bag. [via Cranberrymer/Defamer]

– And if you thought that was awful, czech out this penis-shaped Nugget.

– Sinbad O’Connor has taken out a full-page ad in a national Irish newspaper pleading for people to leave her alone. That’s like telling yer older brother to stop hitting you. They’ll end up just doing it more.

– Franz Federline’s drummer is apparently too hip to pay for a restaurant check.

– Hilary Muff goes ‘ghetto’. How ‘retarded’, as Her Royal Thighness might say.

– I’ve heard of milkmen, but breastfeeding men!? This is f-in redonkeydonk!! [via Ms Ism]

– As soon as I own a car, I’m mcnabbing the license plate GOTMILF.

– First Daughter is probably gonna be one the wurstest movies ever. Gawd, I can’t wait to see it!

– This is the breast guitar since the keytar.

– Students Punished For Having Stripper Pole In On-Campus Apartment. The word ‘punished’ should be replaced with ‘applauded’.

– Prostitute Squad Sidelined In Guatemalan Soccer Tournament!!!

– Here’s one magazine I won’t be beating off to in Rocktober: Playboy. Why? Cause they’re rocktobering nekkid pics of video game heroines. I mean, what kinda sick-o would whack their mole to that stizz? Probably the same sick sick sick sick sick sick people who buy 1/8 of my company’s product line. Speaking of video games, Atari is going buckwild on their back catalog and PBS is jumping on youth oriented bandwagon too! If only they could find a way to make Hercule Poirot as cool as Bam Margera. This isn’t one of those ways.

– The WB needs to revive Dawson’s Creek from the dead, cause their fall line-up stinks worse than microwaved chopped liver covered in crab guts. Commando f-in Nanny? Bloggah please, if Gerald McRaney needs the money that bad, we’ll all send him 6 dollars to the APO of his choice. And Jack & Bobby? I’d rather see Sirhan Sirhan & Lee Harvey.

– I guess things are rather slow over at The Cack-Smoking Gun’s newsroom, cause who really gives a flying burrito brother if Landon from Real World: Philagayphia assaulted a horse or not?

– Here’s a list of 50 Weirdest Guinness World Records. Could you imagine having 98% of your body covered in fur or being 22.4 inches tall? I have enuff trouble getting around with my 22.7 inch dong [via My Man Marvkus]

– The Bermuda Triangle explained!!! Sorta…

– Click here if you want free passes to see Duran Duran perform on Carson Daly’s ‘talkshow’.

– New rings and things were spotted around Saturn’s f-in region, I mean F-ring region. Ahhhhhh, that hit the G-spot, I mean the spot. By the way, whatever happened to 7-Up’s Spot? Was he replaced by Orlando Jones, who was later replaced by Rolando Joans?

– Gorillaz, J5, Danger Mouse, and udders team up to help end genocide in Sudan.

– These CDs stink! And they kinda remind me of these floppy disks thingies my sister had in the 80s that did a similar thing.

– Too lazy to carry yo sunglasses and chopsticks? Tis yer lucky day!

– And to close up shoppe here, Dad Allegedly Attempts 8-Year-Old Son’s Circumcision!!! That’s purty f-ed up, but I still wouldn’t ask Congress to pass a bill to end male genital mutilation. I don’t like to mix my meat with cheese (see definition for smegma) [thanks for the tips Made of Brawn-steeen]