Thighs Wide Shut

The Place Beyond The Pines
Brooding Broods
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 140 min

Derek Cianfrancespainengland knows pain and unhappiness, and he has no issue serving it up thru the face of Ryan Gosling, and we have no problem with any of that cause if you don’t love Gosling’s face you either cannot love or don’t have sight.  If you saw their first heartbreaking pairing – the 4th best film of 2010 – Blue Valentine – you knows whats wees sqwaking bouts, and you should so be inclined to see their second pairing, where Gosling plays a motorcycle stuntman who finds out that Eva Mendes is having his baby, so he decides to like help and stuff, even if he has no money, and Eva doesn’t want his money even if he had some, and she’s living with some black dude anyways, and he has a crying dagger tattoo, so you know this situation aint great, cause who wants your child to be the son of a dude with a crying dagger tattoo??

To spell out how the rest of the movie is spelt is to spelled out too much.  There are basically three movies in this single movie.  The first movie centers on Gosling robbing banks, with an assist from that creepy awesome Australian dude with that lisp - Ben Mendelsohn.  It’s like Drive meets Point Break.  In the second movie, policeman Bradley Cooper pops in and then this thing turns into Copland meets Copland.  In the third movie, time passes and Bradley Cooper has a son (Emory Cohen) who’s like The Wackness and stuff.  I really really really can’t tell you ANYTHING that links all of these mini-movies into the one movie, cause you shouldn’t know anything, but you should know that all three movies are worth watching, even if the culmination of them don’ts necessary add up to a hill of beans/pines, in, around or beyond them

Oh and Dane DeHaan is in this movie and Dane DeHaan is the greatest brooding actor of his generation.  Long may he brood

Oh, and this Mike Patton song is the knees bees

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

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Trance
Doctor Mindbender
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 101 min

Danny Boyle‘s Trance is like Derek Cianfrancespainengland’s Place Beyond The Pines in that we can’t really tell you all that much about it, cause if we did, it would semi-spoil the mindfudge that Danny Boyle tries to fudge our minds with.  This movie’s kinda Inception-like, but you don’t have to do that much thinking and over-thinking for something that doesn’t really require much thought in the end.  This is minor Boyle, but still, minor Boyle is better than most people’s major stuff.  He’s incapable of making awful movies.  We’re sure A Life Less Ordinary and The Beach will be the greatest movies of all time if we don’t watch them for 50 years (but probably not)

Anywho, James McAvoy plays the Ewan McGregor role, the guy we root for, but is this the guy we should be rooting for????  Or is it Frenchie Vincent Cassel?  Or hypnotist Rosario Dawson, or should we say hypno-tttttttttttttitties, cause you get to see them AND HER BUSH!?????  HOW COULD YOU NOT TRUST A WOMAN WHO SHOWS HER BOOBS and BUSH ON THE SILVER SCREEN????  Maybe we shouldn’t trust any of them.  They all want a stolen piece of art that maybe they stole or didn’t, or did they?  TRANCE TRANCE TRANCE TRANCE!  or something

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Pines & Trance do the dance currently in limited release elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Holy Motors
Un-General Motors
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
NR | 115 min

Nice try Leos Carax, but your film about a guy (Denis Lavant) taking on different roles & disguises for no reason is no Cloud Atlas.  It’s more like Crap Atlas.  It’s more like Inland Empire, but even more pretentious, pointless and worthless.  No, seriously, what is this movie about? Nothing, but this is what happened – the weird role changing guy gets picked up in a limo driven by Edith Scob (she of eyes and no face fame), and goes from place to place being different people for no explained reason and therefore, for no reason.  First stop involves some motion capture sex thing, then it’s off to being that redheaded homeless sewer guy who eats flowers that we previously met in that stupid Tokyo! anthology movie, and this time he’s eating even more flowers and gets to molest Eva Mendes, and then it’s time for the next gig which has him picking up his or someone’s daughter from a party and then yelling at her for being a wallflower, and then it’s time to kill someone that looks like him and then change into his clothing to pretend to be him dead, but then that guy stabs him or something, and then it’s off to be some old guy on his deathbed, and then off to some rooftop to hear Kylie Minogue sing in a crummy wig.  What a night!  OF WHATEVSNESS THAT SUCKS CAUSE IT HAS NO POINT OR PURPOSE BESIDES BEING SOME FRENCH MOVIE THAT ISN’T ALL IN FRENCH THAT IS PURE GARBAGE!!!  Then he finally goes home (as himself, or is it???  who cares!) to his family, a female ape wife and their lil ape child.  Er, um, OK.  Oh, and Holy Motors is a company or something, and at Holy Motors HQ, the limos sleep, and talk!  Limos talk, and no one’s brains will be blown away, cause the movie is taking a giant dump on your brain.  Wish we could sh!t on this movie, cause it’s the fcuking würst cause I said so.  Others think it’s genius, so they deserved to be pooped on too cause they is refarted

Oh wait, I forgot!  There was actually ONE awesome scene in the movie.  Hmmm, strange that I would remember all the dumb ones, but not the awesome one, but anywho, here it is (and yes, it too has no meaning or point, but it’s still awesome)

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Holy Motors is currently not fit to drive in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…