Thighs Wide Shut Thighs Wide Shut

Monday, January 22

A Visual & Mind Lynching

Inland Empire
Trailers & Mo

David Lynch is tres best. He's a genius and I admire him more than any living director. Lynch hit an all time creative and public high with his last joint Mulholland Drive. Who doesn't love failed TV pilots that turn into sue-pa mysterious lesbian best fests? Well, with nowhere to go but down, Lynch decided to go further down than Moses did. Eurgvrhcshnsnhtrt!!! PLEASE, NEVER WASTE A SECOND OF YOUR LIFE THINKING ABOUT SEEING THIS 'FILM' and if you did see it NEVER WASTE A SECOND OF YOUR LIFE THINKING ABOUT THIS 'FILM'. YOU WILL SPANK ME FOR IT LATER. Why o why would I say such large words? Well, here's a recap of the film's story, and it should purty much tell you what you'd be missing (besides the three hours one would NEVER get back)...

A record plays in black & white as a Polish whore with a blurred out face talks about not knowing what the fork is going on to a man with a blurred face (this one sentence purrfectly sums up what yer about to read, so if that was too much for you, stop now, otherwise, have fun!). Then something happens and then we see a woman sitting on a couch in a room crying, kinda watching TV or some kind of reflection in the TV and for some reason three people in bunny suits are on the TV, sitting in a room talking about things bunnies would never talk about, like stuff AND things when finally, the talk stops and one of the bunnies leaves the room and turns on the lights in another room where two Polish men are talking about things AND stuff. Maybe Lynch shoulda taken a page outta the recent Sopranos seasons and juss have the characters watch movies and TV shows that are more interesting than the show itself. Anywho, it's now bright and sunny and Laura Palmer's freaky arsed mom is walking down the street in broad daylight, lookin like Skeletor's sister and pays a visit Laura Dern's house where they have tea and talk about some movie Laura Dern's character may be in and then Laura Palmer's mom proceeds to tells her some really boring fairy tales that are about one sentence long each. Then Laura Palmer's mom tells her that yesterday is tomorrow and tomorrow is the new Thursday and brown is the new pink. Then she points to a couch and Laura Dern is then sitting on the other couch. She's like David Blaine, but with less friends. Then for some reason, Laura's friends appear and Larua gets a phone call from her agent saying she got the part in the movie. The ladies all jump up and down and then down and up! Then Laura Dern meets with the film's director (Jeremy Irons), writer (Harry Dean Stanton), and her co-star (Justin Theroux). They all laff and giggle and then the lead actors go on an Access Hollywood type show hosted by Laura Dern's real life mom and talk about the possibility of banging each other. This is sorta how For Your Consideration played out, cept it was 1/2 the runtime or talk of bangin, but the jury is still out as to which one I'd rather see a second time. Then Julia Ormond goes to the police station and sez she's going to kill someone with a screwdriver and then she lifts her shirt and then we see that the screwdriver is lodged in her stomach! OH SNAP! Then we're on the film set where the writer, director, and stars are sitting down, rehearsing a scene, when the director and writer reveal that the movie is actually a remake and the orginal was never finished cause the lead actors were killed and it was more cursed than Lucius Vorenus on Rome. Then everyone is distracted when Dean Stanton spots a person walking in the background of the darkened set. Justin Theroux gets up to see if he can find this person, but to no avail. He has cool eyebrows and sideburns though! Then I think some things happened and then Laura Dern and her strange Polish husband have a party where her strange husband tells Justin T that bad shit will happen if he porks his wife. Then we go back to the set where Harry Dean Stanton asks for some money from Laura & Justin T. They give him some and then the movie continues! Laura Dern starts to blur reality and the role she's playing. Then more things happen and then Laura Dern goes down an alley and sees some markings on a door and goes in and then all of the sudden she's on the set that she was on before and sees Justin T searching for the mystery person on the set, but the person turns out to be her, and she see's her husband on the set and then she hides in a house on the set. Then more things happen and now Laura Dern keeps going to Poland and keeps returning to the house on the set or something and then we don't see Jeremy Irons or Harry Dean Stanton for like 6 hours or stuff. Then Laura Dern meets like 8 women who seem like valley girls who gab about some guy and then get up and start dancing to the song 'Locomotion'. Laura Dern then goes to Poland or some place with snow and Polish people and climbs some stairs to an office where this dude with tilted glasses listens to her talk about something that has nothing to do with things or stuff. At some point in the middle Laura Dern goes to a house where Justin T is and she sez that she loves him but his wife is there who's Julia Ormond and neither Julia nor Justin are havin this and they both start yelling and slapping Dern. Then she returns to the house on the set and then goes to Poland again and then more stuff. Somewhere in here we learn that her Polish husband is an animal trainer for some Polish circus and that he sometimes has a 5-o'clock shadow and things and a BBQ where people punch each other and can't find the toilet paper. Also, there was a lot of lamps and flashlights used and more lamps and more flashlights here, there, and most everywhere. Then we learn that those Locomotion dancing valley girls are actually Hollywood whores and Laura Dern is now on the street with them walking about as Beck's 'Black Tambourine' plays which is odd cause Lynch barely ever uses current popular music in his films. Then Laura Dern takes out a screwdriver from her pocket and then Julia Ormond comes outta nowhere, runs across the street, grabs the screwdriver and stabs Laura Dern and the hookers run away and Laura Dern falls over between a black chick and an asian chick who are talking about going to Pomona by bus and a friend with a blond wig and a monkey and multiple vagina holes (the girl, not the monkey). Then Jeremy Irons yells cut and we're back on the set for some reason but Laura Dern doesn't seem herself (probably cause she's playing 3834812834 characters and none of them are any that I care about or have any idea who or what or is or sometimes y). Anywho, Dern walks off the set and into a movie theater where she sees parts of the movie being replayed (WHY GAWD, WHY?) and then the dude with the tilted glasses appears in the theater and on the screen and walks upstairs where Dern soon follows. Then some things stuff and then stuff some things. One of those things somewhere in there was when Laura Palmer's mom reappears in Laura Dern's house and Dern is no longer on the other couch today but on the one she was originally on yesterday. Then Dern walks down some hall and enters a room where the crying girl from the beginning has been chillin. They kiss and then Laura Dern vanishes into thin air. At some point we see the bunny people again, but it doesn't matter cause they is juss bunny people, even if one of them has Naomi Watts' voice. Then that crying girl does things AND stuff and then Laura Dern goes down a hall and sees some Polish man that we've seen before but have no idea who he is or what he's up to so she pulls a gun on him and begins to shoot and then his face turns into a scary clown version face that looks like hers and I think stuff happened and then the screen sez 'Written and Directed by David Lynch' as we see some chicks sitting in a house and one of them happens to be a girl in a blond wig with a monkey (sorry kids, no shots of the multiple vagina holes). THE END. I think I left a bunch o details out, but does it really matter when stuff and things actually make more sense than anything in this 3-hour movie?

Inland Empire is by and large and small David Lynch's wurstest movie EVER. Maybe IE is the opposite of Mulholland Drive, where it's a failed movie that could turn into a thumcredible TV pilot. Lettuce hope for mankind's sake that that question remains unanswered, like the other queries, such as, 'Why Lynch?' and 'What the fu%k was that Lynch?' and 'Lynch, for your next movie could you please figure out a way to refund my $11 and 3 hours of time?' If anyone out there thinks that this movie is 'brilliant' you obviously love shitty digital video, Polish circus peformers, and the wurstest parts of every David Lynch movie rolled into one long long long unnecessary exercise in inducing headaches and/or snooze-fests on veiwers. And if you are one of those people who think like that, I pray that your penis and/or vagina never get touched again

Unsatisfied with this?: yeah, I'm sure you were, so Netflix another mind bendin' bunny movie that makes little sense, but at least it makes a little as opposed to ZERO cents, Donnie Darko [Trailers]

Possible Porno Name: In-Hand, Damp Spire

IMDb Sweeney: Ian Abercrombie, who plays Laura Dern's butler, can also be seen butling on Desperate Housewhores, the short-lived Birds of Prey as Alfred, Jurassic Park: The Lost World, Garfield 2 & many many others

Win, Place or Show: Yes, Inland Empire is really a place!

John Grisham's Jizzum (aka Verdict): I can't bee leave you made me do this Lynch, but yer 'movie' is one of the mos aptly awarded Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous of balls thyme!

until next thyme the balcony is clothed...•