Thighs Wide Shut

Match Point
More On Point Than House of Pain’s ‘On Point’
all apologies for using the ‘on point’ ref 4 the funteempth time
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Bee leave the effin hype peoples cause like Señor wit his München Box, Woody Allen has returned to form with his Match Point, YO!!! And by form, I don’t means a W-9, or even his endless string of 70s hotness (starting with the madcap zane e smithedness of Bananas and ending with one of the mos beautifulisticallycal B&W flicks mt EVERest in the age of color, Manhattan). What I mean by ‘return to form’ is actually delivering what the peoples eggspect from one of the mos celebrated and celehated men in del industry: a real Woody Allen movie. 1999 was the last time anyone of us saw a real Woody Allen movie. It was called Sweet & Lowdown, and it was so fargin mint that Sean Penn and then unknown Samantha Morton were rightly honored with Oscar noms. After that we were served up with 5 straights duds, some more thuds than cruds, and some were more mud than Spuds Mackenzie hanging out with Roger Mudd!

Well, Match Point is not only a real Woody Allen movie, but also the mos un-Woody Allen movies I have ever movied!! It’s kinda like his Eyes Wide Shut, cept where Kubrick made London look like NYC, the Woodman made London his NYC. This drastic location change serves him and us the viewers quite well. I think we all needed a break from that continuing don on-slaught of NY nothingness that he continued to poop on-screen. And nothing could be as far from the nebbish Jewish neurosis of the Upper East Side than the prim and proper crumpets of the British upper class!!! To divulge any of the plot would be a waste of my time and a deep cut into yer entertainment value, so I’ll abstain, and in hempstead, I’ll do what I do breast… BABBLE-ON in numbered list form!!!

1) Scarlett Johansson & Jonathan Rhys-Meyers both look like cartoon cats or tigers or lions or something, OH MY!! I’d still bang them both, but their lips are kinda scary like Lisa Rinna’s

2) Rhys-Meyers did an admirable and lieutenantable job as the lead, but I kept waiting for him to glam/gay it up like he did in his Velvet Goldmine days. I think Woodpecker shoulda spared Jonny Lee Miller from the tripe that was Melinda Squared and cast him instead of Rhys

3) Scarlett Johansson being rubbed in baby oil should be the 11th Commandment

4) I knows this sounds more ludicrous than Ludicris sucking on Luden’s whilst looting Lute Olsen’s lute collection, but I’d NEVER ever NEVER step out on the abso-WHOOT-est cutest adorable-tootist British girl AROUND (yes, ever more than our current Royal Thighness… and Joanne Klaar, if she were British) Emily Mortimer, snatchurally one of the OG NonUsHotties!! Not even for Scarlett Johansson, 18347663 cases of baby oil, and 2 weeks to use em both!! Foodly enuff, both Morts and Jo may end up with 2 movies EACH on my ’05 Top Ten LIST… coming soon

5) Danny Boyle alumni rules more than O’Doyle!!!

BLESS YOU WOODROW!!!! Don’t ever come back to NYC. Stay the course in the Old Country. Hopefully yer #2 UK joint Scoop will also not be POOP!!! And the same with yer 1st Spanish Rice dish!! And whatever lies ahead in yer bright, not DIM, future, like a Danish DANISH or Icelandic ICECUBE, or Czech Republic PUBIC HAIR, or Portugalese WHATEVER THEY HAVE IN PORTUGAL!!!

Recommended for those who like: shotguns and shotgun weddings, phallic symbols but not Lloyd’s of London, and Fred of Perry but not of Berry

Possible Porno Name: Snatch Point of Spew

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Damage, aka the Jeremy Irons and Juliette Binoche slutty bang fest of 1992!

Further Fun: Other Woodman flicks with locations outside of the US… Puerto Rico (Bananas), Budapest & Paris (Love & Death), Turin, Italy (Hannah and Her Sisters), Sicily (Mighty Aphrodite), Venice (Everyone Says I Love You), and Romania (Celebrity) [via IMDB]

Sin City
‘So f#$king HOT‘ – Pat O’Brien
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Despite what you think, this udderly franztatsic visually arresting eye orgasm of a movie is not 2 + hrs filled with Jessica Alba swaying her leather clad hips with lasso in tow. Knowing that you’d probably stink that that would be a BAD thing. Come to spank of it, Alba’s (and Michael ‘how do people keep hiring him?’ Madsen) acting chops were probably the least memorable parts of the whole sha-thang. The rest of cast howevs shines brilliantly in front of the blue (green?) screen. Devon ‘Hottie Owl Face’ Aoki gets no lines o dialog and still rocks the hiz-ousele with swastika ninja stars! And don’t even get me started on how much I want Marley Shelton’s red lips wrapped around my burrito. And who would have ever guessed that Elijah Wood could be menacing, as a Charlie Brown-Harry Potter-Wolverine hybrid from hell? Or how bout being able to sit thru an entire Brittany Murphy film? Finally Ebert & Roeper can shut up about her starring in the bratwurst of the wurstest. To hell with the actors, all the real kudos though should be saved for co-directors Frank Miller & Robert Rodriguez and their team of visual and special effects artists for creating, by far, the greatest comic to movie adaptation of alls thyme! Eat your farts out Dick Tracey AND Sky Captain and The World of Zzzzz!! Some might say Robert Rodriguez’s greatist work ever. Or maybe even Mickey Rourke’s, or Powers Boothe’s, or even Alexis Bledel’seszzes! If you ever plan on seeing this movie in yer lifetime, do it in a theater, for the full eye-candynessistic eggspearence. By the lay, did I mention that Benicio kinda looks bitched @ swirth with Jack White?

Recommended for those who like: movies, women, and guys who like movies with women who lasso, but don’t get nekkid.

Unsatisfied with this? Find a-Ha’s video for ‘Take On Me’.

The Ballad of Jack and Rose
Not Titanic Part II or Another Cougar Mellencamp Ditty
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Daniel-Day Lewis doesn’t juss act in any movie, therefore this one already had an aura of ‘muss c’ written all over it. And while it’s no My Left Foot, it mos certainly aint Gangs of New Bore, although I wouldn’t mind if he sported that stache in every movie. The story, from which I’m sure 4 of you maybe heard about, focuses on aging communer Jack (Daniel-D), who single-handed raises his sheltered, yet carefree daughter Rose (played by del-lish-us up and cummer/my new mos flavorite 18-year-old of the moment, Camilla Belle) in a secluded tiny isle off of the American mainland, which is next up on Beau Bridge’s suburban redevelopment hell list. As Jack’s health deteriorates, he brings in his girlfriend (Catherine Keener) to help out and give Rose the motherly figure she’s long been with out. Along with the lady, comes her two sons (both brills) and the end of Eden as we know it for our title characters. Rose feels betrayed and goes to great lengths to drive her new ‘family’ out of her and pa’s once perfect eggsitance. What eggzatcly happens is for you to find out, but Director Rebecca ‘Arthur’ Miller does an eggsalad job of taking us on that journey from paradise, to paradise lost. Sure, the ending felt a bit rushed, but there’s enough here to give it my seal of apple-roval. Did I mention that Camilla’s eyebrows are the new Jordana Brewster’s eyebrows? No diggty.

Recommended for those who like: the kid from L.I.E., West Virginia family relations, and Jason Lee, in a role that may sirprize you… btw, is it me or has Ryan Reynolds stolen all of his roles lately?

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Professional.

Dear Frankie
A Letter Worth Replying To
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Here’s another gem that I’m sure has already played and left your local cinematorium. Well, that’s a crying shame considering how wonderful this film truly is. It may be a lil sappy for some, but this is my Billy Elliot (boy was that movie a shitterd). Similar to Jack and Rose, where a parental figure is absent and a new person comes into the picture, Frankie has the roles reversed, mother (the mt everest beautiful Emily Hottimer) raises sheltered deaf boy, and they don’t live in Eden… far from it, seaside Scotland. Anywho, Frankie’s mum has been lying to him all of his life about his father’s whereabouts, telling him he’s a seaman, when in fact he’s an abusive arsehole. When pa’s ‘boat’ is headed to town, mum is forced to decide between tellin Frankster the truth or continuing the ruse. She picks the latter and hires a man to act as Frank’s papa. What started as a business proposition turns into something a lil more than she bargained for, and this is where the movie eggcels. Did I mention how much I want Emily Mortimer to be the mum of my children?

Recommended for those who like: fish, chips, and actresses who looks like Pamela Reed.

Unsatisfied with this? See Millions, which is reviewed below.

Downfall
Hitler Gets Humazined My ASS!!
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I muss admit, had I seen this before making my Oscar picks, I might have said it was the one to beat in the Best Foreign Film category (which netted my fav of 2004 Sea Inside a golden boy). Oh boy is this recount of the Third Reich’s final days franz fascinating. If you have any interest in history at all, you MUSS see this. It’s been a long while since we’ve seen a Nazi movie that doesn’t primarily focus on the Holocaust, Lee Marvin, or Indiana Jones. What we do get is a claustrophobic depiction of life in Hitler’s bunker as Berlin crumbles all around. Could you imagine being stuck underground with Der Lover of Watermelons? Many a reviews have made a point of saying this flick ‘humanizes’ Hitler, but I beg to differ. The guy was still a forking psycho who never gave up, even when all pastabilites were eggsausted and his men were starting to turn on him. I mean, is shooting your dog and committing suicide human? Well, not the kind of human I want to be or be around. Spank you berry much.

Recommended for those who like: people shouting in German, watching Nazis lose, and Michael Jackson’s HIStory.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Blind Spot: Hitler’s Secretary.

Millions
So Effin Money
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I had my doubts about Danny Boyle after he followed up one of the greatest movies of all time, Trainspotting, with two microwaved tunafishes: A Life Less Ordinary and The Beach. Then came 28 Days Later, the better zombie flick of the past 2 years, and my faith was mostly restored. And with Millions, a film about faith and money, he hasn’t earned the right to be re-canonized, but he’s fo shozzle off my shit list for good. Mr Boyle is in-jason-capel-a-bull of repeating himself, and for that, I will always look fwd to his next joints. What, you wanted to know something about the movie? It’s cute and you can drag yer g or b-friend to it. Did I mention that our lil hero, Alex Etel, has the cutestest set of freckles this side of Punky Brewster?

Recommended for those who like: charity, the eventual peace the fork outing of the British Pound, and the bible.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Brewster’s Millions.

Aliens of The Deep
Why 3-D IMAX Was Invented
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Get stoned and go see this.

Recommended for those who like: to get stoned and see 3-D IMAX movies. What, you need two more reasons to go and see this?

Unsatisfied with this? Then you must be an ex-pot smoker. Netflix Sister Act 2: Back In The Habit you square!

Born Into Brothels: Calcutta’s Red Light Kids
The Kids Stay In The Picture
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Speaking of the Oscars, there was no doubt that this was gonna kick Morgan Spurlock’s super-sized arse off the stage that magical evening for Doc’s best prize. I mean, I could have made that documentary when I was at college, living off of 5 BK Whoppers for 5 bones. But this spot isn’t reserved for the fu-manchu-McD’s-munching-mini-Michael Moore. No, that honor goes to the whores, and their children who are stuck in the Red Light district lifestyle. Enter Zana Briski, who is so taken by these lil hopeless utes that she does the only thing she knows how: teach them photography, and maybe that’ll be their ticket outta there. What starts off as a slow burn/start, turns into a delightful sizzle/story as the kids’ creativity becomes unleashed and their futures’ seem limitless. Too bad that whatever they do it’s awfully hard to shake the stigma of being a prostitute’s child. Their story is important and had to be told. Maybe we can all help these kids, instead of ceasing to down McNuggets.

Recommended for those who like: Kodak moments, smiling Indian kids, and curry in a hurry.

Unsatisfied with this? Bang a hooker.

Inside Deep Throat
Open Up And Say Ahhhh
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If you took Boogie Nights, presented it in style reminiscent of VH1’s I Love The 70s, and threw on Time/Life’s Ultimate 70s in the background, you’d purty much come out with Inside Deep Throat, the behind the scenes, after the orgasm look at the blue movie that started it all. And spankfully it got an NC-17 rating, so we’re all free to see Linda Lovelace shove Harry Reems’ sausage down her thrizz, while talking about the flick’s social and political implications. I think some people would call that infotainment. I call it ‘worth a peep’.

Recommended for those who like: BJs, O-faces, and John Stossel’s stache.

Unsatisfied with this? Watch the Catholic High School Girls In Trouble [NSFW] part of Kentucky Fried Movie.

D.E.B.S.
S.O.R.T.A. B.L.O.W.S.
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Despite the umcredible rotoscoping, this one unfortunately falls flatter than Louie Anderson on a 14 year-old’s set of breasts. How can it be humanly possible to take a set of young crime fighting girls in skirts (one of them being my Thighcubine, Devon Hotkoi), with one of them falling for another girl, and turn it into a no-so trip down man’s fantasy lane? I dunno, but if this is the best director Angela Robinson can do here, juss imagine (or don’t) what she’ll do with Lohan and Herbie. Eeesh. Did I mention that Jordana Brewster is even mo hotttier in person than she is in bed with my eyes closed?

Recommended for those who like: Owl-faced girls smoking cigs, light lezzie action, and quality rotoscoping.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle.

The Jacket
It Doesn’t Fit, But Don’t Acquit
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Mos psychological thrillers have two types of uneggcetable endings: one that is a complete cop out (see, or don’t see Hide & Seek) and one where nothing is ever really explained or makes one lick of sense (see, or don’t see The Ring). The Jacket is guilty on the second charge (Adrian Brody time travels in his head to help people in the present?), but that doesn’t stop it from being totally unwatchable… read: where else you gonna see a brief glimpse of Keira Knightley’s boobies (hopefully Domino)?

Recommended for those who like: dog tags, Daniel Craig’s blue blue eyes, and Kris Kristofferson’s complexion.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Jacob’s Ladder.

Melinda & Melinda
Boring & Even Boringer
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What a crying shame. Woody Allen still reels in top talent (Will Ferrell, Chloe Smellygny, that kidnapped fat chick down the well from Silence of the Lambs), but does not one thing with them. His recent crop of movies seem to run on autopilot… one which was last updated around 1987. Sure he’s had some goodies since then, but nothing that any of us will likely remember in decades to come. I wouldn’t say the Woodman is done, but I expect more, not to be floored, but not to be bored either. If I wanted that, I’d go to a baseball game and take a nap.

Recommended for those who like: Hollywood Ending, The Curse of the Jade Scorpion, and Small Time Crooks.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Sweet & Lowdown.

Be Cool
Be Gone!
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Oh my forking gawd. What’s worser than seeing a whoreible flick on opening night? Trying to conjure up my thoughts and feelings about it, when I’ve tried so hard to repress them in the annals of my anal mind. You will not laff for one minute of this movie. If you do, please go read a boring blog instead. OK, the Rock’s bit as a gay bodyguard was kinda amusing, but it was a bit overshadowed by the body he was guarding: the MOS UN-FUNNY ‘ACTOR’ IN THE MILKY WAY, Vince Vaughn. I felt like I was watching an American remake of Snatch, cept they replaced all the cool elements with something I pooped out of my a$$ after spending 3 hours at Pizza Hutt’s lunch buffet and somehow found space to throw in Steve Tyler’s disAlGoresting lips. This makes Kevin Spacey’s Beyond The Sea look like The Sea Inside.

Recommended for those who like: scripts written on cocktail napkins, microwaving tin foil, and Two and 1/2 Men.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Citizen Kane.

Until next time, the balcony is clothed…

•• A: The poster for Episode III and cover art of Harry Potter IIXVIMCXLIII. Q: What are ‘Things That Don’t Impress The Thigh Master’, Alex.

•• Peace le fork out to old-skool-Hitchcock babe, Teresa Wright.

•• Cuthspurt to return to 24 this season? Maybe she’ll fall in love with Edgar and have super-deformed-hottie children that love the Yankees. Anywho, the premiere of her next jizzterpiece, House of Wax, will be at this year’s Tribeca Film Festival. How much cak do I have to pump into my oral cavities to get into that baby?

•• Is it safe to say that since there’s a Miss Congeniality 2 and soon, a Mrs Doubtfire 2, a Miss Congeniality vs Mrs Doubtfire isn’t far behind? Maybe Tarantino can direct that after he’s done with Friday the 13th, the 11th.

•• a NEW Sin City trailer, sadly, with 3% less pole dancing. [via SuperMarkDuper]

•• Check out download the new Fischerspooner jonks. [via Zach de la Roachclip]

•• How could people possibly mistake Emily Watson and Samantha Morton for the much hottier Emily Mortimer? Grant it, they are fine actresssesses, but I’d rather bangeroo most men than either of those two birds.

•• Looks like the LA edition of Lebowski Fest will be the bee’s elbows! I mean, who wouldn’t want to rock out with Karl Hungus, Liam, The Big Lebowski himself, and EVEN the Ralph’s Checkout Girl + many moore!

•• Mike Skinner to give up booze and drugs? I’m sure his next album will be udderly fascinating when he talks about reading books instead of getting booked and taking long walks on beaches instead of boning long and tall bitches.

•• Hilary Swank Used To Beat Up Karate Kid star Ralph Macchio

•• June 24 will go down as the mos craptastic day in cinema history. Why? Cause Herbie, Bewitched, and The Dukes of Hazzard all are released.

•• Why is Hot 97 such a breeding ground for violence? Hopefully it has nothing to do with SmackFest ’05 [via Sentaakular]

•• This should have been the video for BJoel’s ‘We Didn’t Start The Fire’ instead of that one with the flaming house. [via Made of Brawny]

•• Navi should rename his blog, ILickDukesCock.blogspot.com. Congrats on posting yer first picture. It’s as monumental as one’s first hand job.

•• Anyone know how I can get a copy of the out of print The Shining sdtk?

•• I dont know what the point of this is, but it’s kinda coolio.

•• Liberal-Bias March Madness 2005

•• Beer Recipes

•• From the YouGots2BKiddinMe Files: Certified Kosher Phones [via Seltzer w/an ‘H’]

•• Airline barfbags

•• From the best selling author of All I Want For Christmas Is To Shove My Cock Down Your Thrizz comes his latest, Little Miss Muffet Sat On A Tuffet, Eating My F$#king A

•• Is it juss me or the jizz on my knee, but has Katie Holmes ever looked this sexy (with clothes on mind you)

[via UMC]

– Lemme start out by saying I am a huge hypocrite. On Friday, I tore Be Cool a new arsepipe and what did I go and do this weekend? Get FORCED by knifepoint to see it in theaters by my so called ‘friend’ Dickey Greenleaf. I wanted to see Dear Frankie with the every lovely Emily Mortimer, but I did get free popcorn for trying to Be Cool. Anywho, a full review is 4thcummin, but lettuce juss say that the percentage of Vince Vaughn movies sucking dingleberry cereal has risen from 76 to 82%. I mean, the effin Pacifier beat it at the box office!! And don’t even get me started on Steven Tyler…

– Andy Rooney’s take on the Oscars is his best of the year. ‘There are a couple of categories they might add to the Oscars. Lowest cut dress might be a category. We studied some pictures for a long time trying to pick a winner. It was a tie between Natalie Portman and Salma Hayek. I never heard of either of them, but they probably never heard of me, either.‘

– U2 add fall dates to their tour. They hit MSG 10/7, 8 & 10.

– More Danny Boyle madness, like Porno: Trainspotting 2, 28 Weeks Later, a sci-fi pic, and The Odyssey?!! The future’s so bright, I’ve got to wear shades!!

– Steven Shainberg’s follow-up to Secretary will be a Diane Arbus biopic starring Nic Kid.

– Britney to follow in Celine’s footsteps, but that doesn’t mean she’s going to marry some older creepy guy who looks like he always wearing eyeliner.

– Anyone else feel sorry for Flava?

– Don’t eggspect Mike Skinner to appear in Austin Powers 4: LotsPussy.

– Let’s make believe that Weezer could have come up with a better album title.

– Greatest name you never heard of: Fenella Woolgar

– The Singhsons [via Johnny Dollar$$]

– Chinese Adviser Urges Lip Synching Ban

There will be no more postings until tomorrow in preparation for a very special specialness. In the meanthyme…

[via UMC]

Vera Drake

Abortions R Us

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Director Mike Leigh is the master of the depressing British lower class movie genre. He also happens to be one of the most under appreciated directors out there. He also looks like an owl. An like an owl, he gives a hoot about things. Things like said lower class families and their struggles, which isn’t eggzactly a recipe for Hollywood success, but den again that’s what makes him an umcredible filmmaker, unlike say, McG. And If you need to play Mike Leigh catchup, Netflix Meantime, Naked, or my personal fav, All or Nothing. And whenever his next film comes out, you can easily add Vera Drake to that list as well. That’s right, Leigh strikes cinematic gold again. This is by far one of the finest dramas of the year. Here’s how the story goes: lil ole Vera (I smell Oscar nom for you Imelda Staunton!) is the perfect mum, wife, and daughter. She’s always quick to the kettle to fix u a spot of tea or give u a lil nibble before dinner starts, and all with the widest smile. So you call that a story? Juss wait, cause we qwikly learn that Vera, out of the pure kindness of her heart, helps out young poor girls who can’t afford proper abortions. Not any back-alley stizz like Beck’s performance at Coachella mind you, but not eggzactly legal in post WWII England kind either. No one in her family knows she does such a thing and why do they need to know? Unless they’re on a need to know basis. Anywhozitz, days go by, abortions happen, and more cups of tea are poured. Then one day, something goes awry and one of her ‘patients’ almost dies after the deed. The police come a knockn’ and Vera and her close knit family’s world comes crumbling down. That’s all I’ll say, besides get yer a$$ to the theater and see this now! Bravo Mike Leigh.

Recommended for those who like: women’s right to choose, massive amounts of tea, or choosing the perfect first date movie that won’t begat a second date (like what happened when my comrade Soul Jonkin took some chick on a 1st date to see Kevin Bacon get evil on lil kids’ backsides in Sleepers).

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix In The Name of the Father.

Finding Neverland

Hooked On Peter Pansies

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I was a bit skeptical of where things were going as soon as I saw Johnny Depp dancing with a dog to merely entertain Kate Winslet’s four precocious lil British tykes, but as the movie marched on, the magic of JM Barrie’s imagination was enuff to bring me to tears by the end. Sure there’s nothing Oscar nom worthy here, and Marc Foster’s direction was a bit uneven (coming from the guy who gave us Halle Berry and Billy Bob Thornton ODB dirty raw-style boning in Monsters Ball), and yeah it was a bit on the cheezy-whiz side, but there’s enuff here to appeal to those of all ages looking for an escape from our daily lives, juss like the story of… Peter Pan! And if yer jonesing for even mo Johnny Depp and Freddie Highmore (the kid who played Peter, JM’s muse) action, u juss wait, cause they play Willy Wonka and Charlie Bucket in the Tim Burton remake coming out next year.

Recommended for those who like: men who play with children in a non-sexual way, seeing Gareth Keenan in a movie, or to live out their Diane from Trainspotting dressing in green tights fantasies.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Mike Leigh’s whimsical Topsy-Turvy. But whatever you do, don’t Netflix Hook.

Good Bye Lenin!

Hello Great Rental!

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The premise is frocking frantastic: a highly proud socialist single mother raises her two kids in the hell that is ’80s East Germany. Right before the Berlin wall is about to crumble, the mother has a heart attack and slips into a coma. The doctors warn that another attack could finish her off for good, so when she awakes from the coma, she should be as stress free as possible. Her ever loving son makes it his mission to see that this doesn’t happen by pretending that the wall never fell at all. He goes to great lengths, despite being surrounded in a newly capitalistic East Germany filled with Coca-Cola and other delights we consume daily. For example, when he discovers that his mumsy’s favorite pickles are no longer sold in their area, he buys a different brand and places the gerks in an old bottle of mom’s preferred brand. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is. With crisp direction by Wolfgang Becker and super-delicious set design by some other German, this is a lil gem that’s purrrfect for yer home viewing pleasure. I also wanna note that Daniel Brühl, who played the son, is my new mos favortiestest male German actor (PEACE THE FORK OUT Moritz Bleibtreu)… it also doesn’t hurt that he looks like my pal Dickey Greenleaf the II and has an umlaut in his name. Best of luck kid, or should I say, mein herr.

Recommended for those who like: German Burger Kings, Kubrick references, or pickles.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Run Lola Run.

The Shaft

They say this elevator Shaft is a bad mother

SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

Sadly, No Trailer Available

I was introduced to our next film to the tune of “one of the best worst movies ever“. And boy was that preface bona fide and boner staboneafied! I think I’m also the 14th person to ever see this movie, not including cast and crew. And lemme tell YOU some-tang, the cast is second to none, (with all due respect to Murder By Death). Here’s a horribly written rundown of who and what: AWOL military man Michael Ironside (!) and elevator repair shop owner Ron Perlman (!) team up to install a top secret microchip with a brain, which had previously been tested on dolphins (?), into an elevator shaft of the Millennium Building (think Empire State Building), which in turn turns the elevator in to a one man Otis killing and torture machine. So James Hurley from Twin Peaks and some actor named Eric Thal, who coincendentally works for The Beast Perlman, are called in to fix the elevator from all this crazy Elevator Action by Edward Herrmann (Max, the head vampire/proprietor of Max’ Video in The Lost Boys),

who’s under a lot of heat by Lt. McBain, played by Nick Tortelli/Dan Hedaya, and all of this catches the eyes and ears of hot shot reporter Naomi Watts Hotts. Confused? Great. I won’t reveal anything more, CAUSE YOU SHOULD GO AND NETFLIX THIS ASAP & WARREN SAPP! Did I mention that this film marks uber-licious/fellow Marylander/ex-ESPNer Melissa Stark Nakkidness’ debut and still only appearance on the silver screen? What a waste. Had I made Mulholland Dr, it would have been Watts on top of Stark… nekkid (i promise, that’s the last stark nekkid joke… of the day)

Recommended for those who like: to see Dick Maas remake his own 1983 movie called De Lift, horrible acting, or Mother Brain from Metroid.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix my personal favorite breastestist wurstestist movies Zardoz or Leonard Part 6 (not available on DVD. BOOOOOO!).

Young Adam

NC-YaLater-17

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Dying to see a movie about boring people who live on a sail barge that aren’t named Jabba? Or how bout seeing Ewan McGregor’s penis, AGAIN? Or Tilda Swinton in her birthday suit (look, I love her as an actress, but not as a sex kitten?)? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz times microwaved tunafish divided by 7. Although I did quite enjoy watching the scene where young Obi Wan gets miffed, takes off Emily Mortimer Hottiermer‘s clothes, pours ketchup and custard on her body, and then has his way with her.

Recommended for those who like: boring, being bored, or emery boards.

Unsatisfied with this? Before you slit yer eyes out, watch this instead.