Thighs Wide Shut

– Blind man marries Tori Spelling. Somewhere David Silver breathes a sigh of relief and Screech Powers is contemplating suicide.

– This is where the world’s finest vaginas go.

– Is this guy the Lenny Bruce of Winnebagos? [Link via Posh & Beckser]

– May be old news, but it was just brought to my attention that picking your nose and eating it may make you healthier. With this and french fries being considered a fresh veggie, its only a matter of months before Norman Chad’s Tour de Couch becomes a reality. [Link via Senor Gombergos]

– Who knew that David Koresh was such bad-a$$? [Link via RayKwan the Chef vs Meth vs Chef Boyardee]

– Jacky White dropped by TheWhiteStripes.net for a lil Q & A. Word is that they may head back into the studio this summer, he’s never gonna repair his mangled hand, there’ll be a CD release of all their B-sides, Fritz Lang rocks, the jihad on the documentarian is still in effect, Peru may be in the cards, and Rene Zellweger puckers her lips too dang much. Read the whole transcript here.

– Related to Genghis Khan? Then you can get yerself some free eats!! And if yer related to Chaka Khan, you can get, er, um, uh, ah, nothing!

– Fish can be so heteroflexible sometimes.

– Go ahead, Rate My Implants. [NSFW Link via Tim “Fudger” Altie]

– One of the most umcredible/hands-on museums in the world, The American Museum of the Moving Image has assembled quite an impressive backlog of Presidential campaign commercials. Boy do the ones wees got today suck asthma. I mean, czech out this Nixon anti-Hubert Humphrey spot… it looks like an episode of The Prisoner. F-in mint.

– Fattyboy Slim Jim’s Palookaville drops Doc October 5th. I already know the collaboration with Damon Albarn is going to be more money than The Money Train.

– Fellow Jew Yorkers, enter to win passes to The Bourne Supremacy or some movie that might as well be called JuJu Bees.

– Finally, what’s going to be the worst date movie since my friend Joel took a gal to see Kevin Bacon molest kids in Sleepers? This one.

– Stop the presseses: A fan mistakes Noel Gallagher for Damon Albarn. Eyebrow king not too pleased.

– The new, new Coke, C2 has 1/2 the carbs and 1/2 the calories, but also 1/2 the taste of Coke Klassic. Screw that, when are the suits finally going to re-release Mister Pibb’s wife, Mrs. Pibb?

– Double yer chance peeps, and sign-up for more free tickets to Hilary Duff’s latest stink-bag of a movie called, A Cinderella Story. This movie may love actually turn out to be a wurster movie than Sleepover. I guess I’ll just have to see them both before forming my opinion.

– We are only one wee month away from a new batch of Ali G episodes. He interviewed Sam Donaldson and asked him about Richard Nixon’s involvement with the Waterworld scandal. Genius times 9 x 999999999999999, times 10-10-10-10-10-10-10, 11-11-11…

– Did you’all listen to the Master o’ Thighs and go see Napoleon Dynamite yet? Last Wednesday it averaged $3,839 per screen. Next closest? Potter at $940 per screen. Good news for you rural losers is that it just opened in these additional theaters this past weekend: Toronto – Cumberland Four Theatre, Boston – Kendall Square Cinema, Washington, DC – Dupont Circle, Bethesda, MD – Bethesda Row Cinema, Evanston, IL – Century/Cine Arts Evanston, Chicago, IL – Century Centre Cinema, Pasadena, CA – Playhouse, San Jose, CA – Century 25, San Jose, CA – Camera 12, Palo Alto, CA – CineArts, Berkeley, CA – California, San Francisco, CA – Embarcadero Center Cinema… with many more to come this summer. Editor’s note: the studio doesn’t pay me to hawk this film, but they can if they want to. Vote for Pedro.

– Fatburger may headed eastward, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t head westard ho for this: French fry guys, Air, are Cali bound on Friday, September the 24th at the Bowl

in Santa Barbara and Sunday the 26th at the Hollywood Bowl, performing for the first time ever with a live orchestra. Tickets for the show and are on sale now. Other bands on the bill will be announced soon.

– And as for dearest Lohan, she’s been rather busy these days. I heard she bought some shoes, and even had something to eat! Isn’t she just the dreamiest? The double L came in at numero 97 on Forbes‘ Celebirty 100 List. Yer meaning to tells me that William Hung Lo Balls has more clout than her? [Scoop via Navi]. She also fell asleep on a beach and suffered first degree burns courstesy of her new stalker, the sun. Need somebody to rub aloe all over you? And did you know that she hates some of her best features that aren’t her fun bags, like her trademark freckles and flowing red hair? Baby, don’t talk crazy like that. Just remember, although I may be camping out to see A Cinderella Story, you’re still a much butter actress/singer/dancer than Hilary Muff will ever be. Kissesss!

Fantastic news in the house of Albarn!!! A new Blur EP and another Gorillaz album are both on the way!!

Superfly music virtuoso, Damon Albarn, turns 36 today. All hail the man who brought the world WOOOOO-WHOOO, The Gorillaz, and a reason to hate Oasis.