Thighs Wide Shut

[via Moody BOOS]
• Wees all know that ‘Lisha Cuthelespurt loves the hockey puck, but to hockey fcuk? Finally, a bona fide reason to care about the NHL again, and tonsil hockey too!!! [via JJ]

• Stroker Ace & The Archdukes? No mouth-watering here. Not even any hunger [d-lode] for (this) stink

• Brett Ratner, I apologize for everything I’ve ever said about you and that friggin photobooth of yers

• Any Bob Hoskins news is good news

• And for all the Roberts and Thigh Masters out there who’ve been McDyin to McClutchin their McCrotchs: Martine McCutcheon, lesbian sex scenes, The English Harem. Too bad there aint no such thang as ITV1America

• ‘Pova tops Russia’s rich list for athletes. So who the scrooge is #2, Nikolai Volkoff?

• Frynally, a blizogger who aint afraid to put albums you’ve actually heard of in their top ten of the year! I HEART YOU THE MOS JASONSHOPPE!!! + yer unearthing of that Spike Jonezes/GAP ad make me wanna dry hump u even more… although the link has been floatin ’round on many a websites, I still wanna be your dog, dawg!!!

• Ricky Martin describes the last porno he watched + other golden info [via Larry Mullins JrSr]

• Tommy Lee Jones’ finally found some part-time work for his ‘inventive’ college roomie

• Buckner and Garcia, a middle class man’s Loggins & Messina

• 10 bones well saved

• I’m the anti-Sally Field… ‘You dislike me, you really dislike me‘

• CC the IV SUCKS!!!

• A white guy and some people formerly known as ‘Orientals’

• Metamorph Faces

• 2006 is already shaping up to be the best 2006 MT EVEREST!!!!

• The power is in your hands [via Witz]

• I’m pulling for “Boom Goes the Dynamite”

• Poland’s greatest contribution to the world since being the butt of many Blanche Knott jokes: this Neverending Story websizzle (and u better hit every link, cause how else u gonna find a pic of director Wolfgang Petersen semi molesting Barret Oliver?)

• Guided by voices, namely Mr T’s, Burt Reynolds’, and Dennis Hopper’s

• Mint yer own Monopoly money! SO EFFIN MINT!! [via K2P]

• Solving the Rubik’s Cube [via Gorillam]

• For some reason I think I’ve posted this before, or is it juss the same wet dream I keep having every night? [via The Meat Clip/Roach Hook]

• ualuealuealeuale

• I tolds ya, no one had more fun at my 10-year reunion than I, the mos populous kid EVER

• And which love goes the deepest (aka, to 11)… myne, for the girl with the Tom Cruise brows, or Camilla’s chair fetish, or John Holmes’es’es, who was so mad deep, he could stick his unit so far thru the Ozone hole that it coulda reached Uranus!! No contest, cause my dong could reach the milky way and draw a map of Hawaii on her chest even if I was in Alpha Centauri playing Atari!! YOU SO FLY BABY THAT I GONNA TAKE ONE PICTURE OF YOU AND MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THERE ARE TWO OF YOUS!!!!! I AM REASON PHOTOSHOP INVENT!!!

Goin’ Postal Script – I’m headed back to the Coat Factory, VT this Sunday for another week of syrup hotness. Anyone know of a goo sports bar where a brotha could watch that hot Skins/Cards game at 4? If so, the Al’s is on me!

DATS RIGHT FOLKS!!
the 2 month cow/queen
is warrick dunn
and thus
Keira Christina Knightley
be yer
Colin Fifth
Her Royal Thighness
of balls thyme
Tit all started on the set of Episode I when my mejor hombre Sio Bibble started having convulsions and wouldn’t stop saying ‘invasion’. A young girl playing Natalie Portman’s decoy came over to see what all the hot fuss was about. We locked eyes and didn’t stop starring at each other until Sio came to and started babylonning about ‘negotiations’ and some show starring William Fichtner that would eventually air a long long ways away, in a galaxy far far away. Then, George Lucas and his 17 chins kicked me off the set cause he thought I was the only one on the internets speaking negatively about him. That was the last I saw of this Winona Ryder look-a-like for a few years… until one magical day, Sio and my other most trusted advisor and comrade in cable-knit sweaters, Jimmy ‘$5’ Smits, were plotting on how to take over the world with only the use of Gotcha guns. When we realized how refarted that notion was, we started giving Sio wedgies until his balls were coming out of his mouth. We put Sio to bed, and then Jimmy turned to me and said, ‘hey, Thizzle, o’ master of Thighland and things involving Crisco, this chick with itty bitty titties has been axing about you and yer massively large cock.’ That was kinda odd to hear, hispecially since Jim-dawg was grabbing my pelvic region as he was spraying these werds from his mouth. So it was all set up and me and KK had our first date on the set of a Conan O’Brien. Odd, but then again, what me normal?

It was all a bit uncomfortable at first, since we didn’t have much in common, besides the fact that we’re both more beautiful than all the art work in the Met, AIC, and the Md’O combined. So I started asking her random questions like what she thought of ice, and Dziga Vertov’s Man With a Movie Camera, and like what it was like to have like lil cup-cake boobies, yet be hextremlee adorabltastic to the nth degree celsius. Without hesitation, she starting licking my corn, and the rest is, shall we say, herstory

And here’s the EGGSCLUSIVE first snap of when I told her that she win me, and she would not only be the ruler of my kingdom and my cockdom, but also second-in-commanded-in-chief for the army of Ong-Bak: The Thigh Warriors

May your reign be longer than my pubic hairs or books in a pubic library!!! And don’t you fret dearest Camilla, I still got my eye on you, and my thigh rubbing in yer poo!

Back to yer regularlelleyy unofficial royal bidness…

• Kazakhstan (the world’s NINTH largest country??) may sue their largest export [via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

• Good, cause the last thing any of us needed was Gangs of New York II

• Ms Big Bazangas gets all prudish in Hollywurst. This really isn’t important news, but I was looking for a reason to link to pics of her crazy-ass melloncollies

• For some reason, after peepin these snaps from the forthcummin Outkast flick, all I wanna do is watch Janet Jackson’s ‘Alright’ video co-starring Cab Calloway, OR take out my imaginary VHS copy of Dick Tracy and diarrhea all over it

• The Official Mascots of the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games… supposedly ‘friendlies’ is the Chinese word for uber gay flammin mascots

• Chris Kaman, center for the Los Angeles Clippers, is really really scary looking…

• Hipster Tee Shirt Generator [via the Meat Hook]

• The Krusaders, cause Christ was secretly a ninja [via Sumtang Awful]

• And I think it was about time that kids got their own version of the ’69 wife swap sex romp Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice

By the randall gay, who the fork is that mini-Sal Paolantonio touching my adopted daughter?

BILL GATES ADMITS TO
BEATING OFF TO CUTHBEST

Well, sort of
[via Takin It In The Kanner]
…I guess he moved on after trying to feed Mischa

• I want to live in a country where HRT the IV’s new do is national news… or in a country where pot costs as much as stroopwaffles

• Since David Copperfield can’t seem to get laid anymore, he’s going to impregnate ladies the only way he knows how…

• 2nd helpings of Dangerdoom are on the way, along with a tour with the Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Space Ghost in full costume. No word on if it will be a coast to coast kinda thang.

• Blur’s going to drop their new adventures in lo-fi by year’s end. Graham Coxon still missing in action. Thigh Master still drooling. Damon Albarn’s voice is 2nd best to Alba’s a$$

• Orlando Snooze, back where he belongs, in any pre-industrial revolution era

• Mark my words, Ariel Gade is the next Dakota Fanning. And as well all know, that can mean only one thing.

• While some of us love Rachael Ray and her big mouth, others do not. Either way, lettuce all make peace and grease ourselves up looking at her FHM spread for the 4 thousand thousandth time. [via Laing Sack of Shiiiiiiiit]

• Help the Redskins help breasts. Too bad they were never able to help their own biggest boob, Heath Shuler.

• The Music Video Database. Cause how else are we gonna figure out that Lethal Weapon kingpin Richard Donner directed Cyndi Lauper’s ‘The Goonies R Good Enough’ thumcredible video, which features the likes of Rowdy Roddy Piper, Nikolai Volkov, the Iron Sheik, and of course Cpt Lou Albano?

• Remember Ross? I don’t either, but he’s currently co-starring in Bayside! The Un-musical!. Some say 2nd best use of $5 since offering the same amount to Jimmy Smits for bless my sister’s wedding.

• Do you Netflix it up? If so, send me your email addy and we can become Netflix pals. Cause I know yer dying to know how many stars I gave Apt Pupil and Freddy Got Fingered

• Free passes to Ryan Reynolds Is Fat & Unfunny, And Then Skinny & Unfunny + Richard Gere Gets Off On Spelling

• What’s the story morning horny with the 13th floors of buildings? And what’s the story with Gretchen Mol’s career post Thirteenth Floor? [via Johnny Dollar Bill]

• This priest is right at holmes when it comes to homo bashing [audio] . I think he’s a lil insane in my behind’s membranes. [via Ceffle]

• And blessed be photog Karina Taira, who combined the beauty of HFutureRT Camilla Belle and the neo-hipness of every chick you’ve ever seen on the Cobra Snake!!!

And the Kingdom of Thighland would like to extend some belated breastest wishes to Her Robert Royal Lady Thighness In Waiting, Camilla Belle, who recently cele-BRA-ted her 19th terday. OH LORD, how I’d love to chum-scrubb her and Chitty-Titty bang bang her in the back of Chumley’s while listening to ‘Cherub Rock’!

• Look, I love all of the people involved, but is asking Bloggers for advice on sex the right way to go? I mean these people insert more CD-Rs into computers than salamis into hairy jungles. Call me jealous and tickle me pink, but Nerve, when you need advice on masturbation, promise u’ll give me a buzz?

• Coachella set times are posted. Note to those going: The Fiery Furnaces are playing outdoors and not in a smelly tent so you have no eggscuse snot to peep them and their lovely lovelyness.

• I wonder what Dawson and Pacey think of this???#@?! Well, the peep-holes hath spoken.

• LOHAN ACCUSED OF SURGICALLY ENHANCING LIPS

• Lettuce all pray (you too womensz) that Alba changes her stance about nudity when Sin City 2 & 3 get going.

• Ricky G’s Extras has been picked up stateside by The BO! [via Zeit]

• Steve Hartman’s yard sale

• Anyone else miss ‘the early days of Paige Six: posting smutty pictures‘?

• Free passes in various cities for Cinderella Man

• Gov’mint trying again with the dollar coin. Boo-urns to that! At least they realized that no one wants a woman on our coins. Sorry bizatches, but tits true!!

• Bid on Lunch with Paul Simon and Chevy Chase at Gramercy Tavern. And maybe you can call them (p)Al. [via The Gum]

• Ladies of Star Trek [via Gorilla Masq]

• The Big Easel

• Louis Armstrong’s ‘Oops, I Did It Again’ [via Itz Richy]

• Zoo Wants Chimp To Stop Smoking

• Bestest Coz quote of ’05: “Yooooooouuuu seeeeee, me Dizzzzeee think that this is a flazzication of numerous tumorous flizzumations! And your association with the assassination of Haitian nations is both bozzle worthy and flozzum and jetsum like George Jetson!!! Theoooooo!!!“

• Some People juss have no taste. Julia Oral Roberts as yer cover girl? What the fork has she dunn all year? Spankfully not act in movies. MONA LISA SNOREZZzzz!! Wellie, they at least gots some of dem right, but here’s my list of the Top 50 Mos Hottiestest People (in pardickular order): Jude Law, Peabs & Coz, Mandy & Dinty Moore, Alba, Falkor & his sister Mischa, Joe Gibbs, Gabrielle Union, Clive Owen, Uncle Ben, Miranda Otto, Ziyi Zhang Ziyi, Wink Martindale, Rachael Ray, Charlton Heston, Jane Jetson, Tom Welling, Lukas Haas, Brande Roderick, Diego Luna, John Stossel’s mustache, my mum & dad, Camilla Belle, Pat O’Brien, Monica Blue-cheese [NSFW], Eleanor and Matt Friedberger (the real FFs), Keira ‘I spank of u’ Knightley, Martin Freeman, Natalie Portwoman, Brad from ‘Hey Dude’, Peter/Liam/Noel Gallagher’s eyebrows (all count as one person), Marcia Cross, Numa Numa dude, Mayor McCheese, Judge Reinhold, Devon ‘The Owl’ Aoki, Ignatius J. Reilly, Kate Boosworth & Orlando Boo, Tippi Hedren, the Utz girl, Neil Diamond, the Kid, Jessica Fletcher, Eric Thomann, that foxy Maid Marion from Disney’s Robin Hood, and duhvs course, yer Royalistic King & Queen of Thighland…

[more pics here]
BONUS: New Order doing ‘Love Will Tear Us Apart’ on Kimmel las noche!!! [via UltraHOTNESS]