Thighs Wide Shut

Away From Her
Unforgettable
Trailer

A film’s true worth of greatness lies in its staying powering. One can rant and rave right after a viewing, but months later, will you even care? Well, two months after catching a screening of Away From Her, the jarring tale of a husband slowly losing his wife to Alzheimer’s, I am incapable of letting it go from my system. And why would I want it to? It’s not only one of THE best films of the year, but probably one of the single greatestist directorial debuts in recent memory. Who woulda thunk that Canada’s version of Parker Posey, Sarah Polley, had it in her to make something so mature, so poignant on her first full length jaunt? I guess when you work with such hotness as Atom Egoyan, David Cronenberg, Michael Winterbottom and Hal Hartley, some of that magic is gonna rub off on ya. It also didn’t hurt that her trio of leads consisted of the ever so lovely Julie Christie, the always bubbly Olympia Dukakis, and the why have I never heard of the beyond bestness that is Gordon Pinsent. While Christie plays the memory lost wife to perfection, it’s Pinsent’s eye and thigh-opening performance as the doting husband that keeps me from ever letting go. If P-Daddy doesn’t get an Oscar nom next year, I will boycott the Academy Awards. And if you don’t think I’m being serious, then tell that to the time machine that transported me back to the summer of 1980 where I joined my fellow American athletes by not going to Moscow

Netflex: actors turned directors aint so uncommon these days, but besides the obviousnesness bestnessness that is Clint Eastwood, be sure to czech out and re-czech out the work of Todd Field. Is there any tang butter than a double dip of In The Bedroom & Little Children [TWS review]. Eat my choda George Clooney and yer self-indulgent over-stylized movies!

Apt MPupil3: Skid Row‘s ‘I Remember You‘ [d|vid]

He Shoots He Scores… A Role: yesh, that wacky dude in the home is indeed a real hockey play-by-play man. His name be Ron Hewat and he was the voice of the Toronto Maple Leafs for 16 years

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): BREAST IN SHOW•, duhvs

Also, opening today in erect theaters are two flicks we viddyed at last year’s Tribeca Film Fiest: the repoopulousishness that is Nate Fisher Hates Terrorists• [TWS review] and the much more delectable The Treatment [TWS review]. Wees seeing a handful of Tribeca flicks this weekend and will have a fool wrap up next weak. Until then, the balcony is clothed•….

Hot Fuzz
Much Buzz
Trailers

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What the world needs now, is love laffs, sweet love laffs. Unfortchenetlee, we cannot count on our New World brethren to help in this effort. Too many weeks go by with some new refarted American comedy being forced into every cineplex odeon across the land. Even the ones that are suppose to be or that are supposedly good, never end up that way, at least in my mind. Den it’s a damn fine thang that the British are having a comedy renaissance and us peeps on this side of the pond are beginning to eat it up. There’s been a huge void ever since Monty Python’s circus flew away (and no, cheeky Hugh Grant flicks don’t count), but spanks to such hotness as Sacha Baron Cohen and Ricky Gervais, these Limeys are here to challenge the poop that the poop factories have been pooping out. While plenty other Brits are making a name for themselves back home, most of them have not yet hit up our radar screens. Gruesome twosome actor/writer Simon Pegg & director/writer Edgar Wright are mere steps away from being blips on our screens to becoming full blown Hollywurst playas like Ricky & Ali G

Pegg & Wright made quite the international splash with their rom-zom-com Shaun of the Dead, and the splash, as well as the laffs are much munch bigger with their hilarious Hollywood action movie send-up, Hot Fuzz. Armed with a lotta guns, a lotta fun, and quite an impressive cast (Jim Broadbent, Timothy Dalton, Paddy Considine, Cato & Pompey Magnus and many many many others!), Pegg & Wright hand in what will arguably be the funniest film of the year. While some dramas run long at 2 hours, most comedies run too too long at 1 hour. Clockin in at 2 hours, Fuzz never loses its buzz at all, spanks in part to the yucks provided by Pegg’s cuddly BFF Nick Frost and the sirprizingly engaging Wicker Manish storyline that keeps this shiz hotter than a Pat O’Brien voicemail message

CameOH Snap!: look out for LOTRingers Cate Blanchett (Pegg’s ex) and Peter Jackson (Santa)

What’s All The ‘Fuzz’ About: Ask Yahoo! hexplains how police got the nickname ‘fuzz’

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show•

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La Doublure (The Valet)
Stuck Somewhere Between Neutral and Reverse
Trailer

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While the British are off fighting the war of US comedic dominance, the French are once again basically no help to anyone but themselves. In their native tongue, they excel in romance, occasionally thrillers, but rarely do their comedies, I mean comédies, strike a universal chord with our shallow hearts. Writer/director Francis Veber is king of French comédies, but that might not mean anything to you and me. Well, what if I told you that the Oscar nominated Veber is king when it comes to having his work remade into successful Hollywood fare? Ever hear of The Birdcage, The Toy, The Man with One Red Shoe, Quick Change and/or Three Fugitives? If yer a fan of any of those, and I’m sure yer a fan of multiple of dems, then you have Verber to thank

Verber’s latest, The Valet, sounds great on paper, but as we all know by now, films aren’t made on paper. Hell, most of them aren’t even made on film anymore! The Valet centers around an outta luck shlub (I’ll give you one penny if you can guess his occupation) who, through circumstances and circumcisions not worth getting into, gets mixed up in one rich man’s affair affairs. In order for said rich man to carry on said affair and not have his sugar mommy of a wife find out, the shlub is hired to act as the boyfriend of the affairette. The affairette is a knock-out model, and since he’s a shlub, hijinks should boviously ensue. By the time that ball gets rolling, the film basically ends, leaving us with less chuckles than a bag of Chuckles. Spankfully The Valet is set to be remade by the Bros Farrelly. While they themselves have been hit or miss as of late, it’s still a purty solid bet that their version will utilize the comedic potential far butter than it’s Frenchie older brother

Unsatisfied with this? forget about the laffs and get serious by Netflixing the single greatestest french movie of the past 15 years, Mathieu Kassovitz’s beyond brills La Haine [trailer]

Van HOT Damn!: whilst wees was darn wet between our thighs watchin Virginie Ledoyen on the big screen again, our eyes got even more wettter peering at Alice Taglioni, although unfortch not in NSFW mode this go around

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Zodiac
Period Piece of Art
Trailer & Mo

Within the very first scene of Zodiac, we are not only introduced to the titular killer and his dirty work, but we are also reintroduced to David Fincher who’s masterful talent has been sorely missed. His last film dropped in the ’02, but Panic Room was a far cry from where he left off before that in the ’99, with the beyond brills Fight Club. So I’ve basically been waitin and waitin for 8 long years for the director who I’ve worshiped above all the cool mid to late 90s directors (Tarantino, Boyle, Jonze, Singer, and yes, even Aronofsky) to deliver the goods. Zodiac not only fulfilled that Fincher bestness void, but also the void of fantab flicks to be released so far in the ’07. While there’s many moons and suns to go before Dec 31st, I still feel confident in naming it one of the best films of the year

Fincher has already shown that’s he jason capel-able of making a thumcredible serial killer flick. I mean, once could argue that Se7en is even more engaing than Silence of the Lambs, but Zodiac isn’t a serial killer movie. Sure, it’s about a serial killer, but it’s more of a spooky Unsolved Mysteriesish journalistic investigation, a neverending one at that since the killer was never caught, into the events that brought northern Cali to it’s knees in the late 60s and early 70s. When I walked out of the theater I wanted to know every single in and out about the case (gawd bless Zodiackiller.com). I hadn’t been so keen in seeking out the truth since Oliver Stone’s JFK mesmerized me beyond belief when I was all of 14 years of age… if only Spike Lee’s complete misfire Summer of Sam had worked the same magic

While I wished that Inland Empire‘s runtime was 3 minutes instead of 3 hours, I wouldn’t have minded if Zodiac was 2 1/2+ days long instead of 2 1/2+ hours. Tits dat good folks. Welcome back Finchy. Never leave me hangin like that again or I’ll have to throw all my love to the other Finchy for good!

Apt MPupil3: Donovan’s beyond bananas bestness ‘Hurdy Gurdy Man‘ [d] which will forever make me think of this film

Deja View: No, Zodiac aint the first time that Jake Gyllenhaal & John Carroll Lynch peered into each other’s eyes. Hell, it aint even the second time! The two first appeared together as father and son in Bubble Boy, followed by The Good Girl, where JCL was JG’s boss at the Retail Rodeo

Killer Looks: Zodiac Watches

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show•

Rental Round Up(dog)

Colour Me Kubrick
[Trailer]

One of the sadest things a Thigh Master has to deal with on a day-to-day basis is the fact that there will never be another Stanley Kubrick film ever. Since his death and the release of this site’s cousin Eyes Wide Shut in 1999, we’ve been slowly dying ourselves. So any time anything Kubrickianishesque gets released, it’s naturally that we get a bit nutty. Luckily for me, these releases have all eased my pain. We totally JOed to the mishmash that was Spielberg’s take on A.I., and we really dig-dug the not so revealing yet intriguing doc Stanley Kubrick: A Life In Pictures, by his bro-in-law Jan Harlan, and on the last go around, at the ’06 Tribeca Film Fest, we went bananas for Colour Me Kubrick (in America, we leave out the ‘u’). To quote ourselves, Colour Me is the loose fictionalization of conman Alan Conway’s amazing mid 90s London exploits as a Kubrick impersonator that not only is hilarious, but is by far the mos humorous John Malkovich (who plays Conway) film to date. We gave it a rating of Breast In Show and will still stand by that. It’s another one of these Magonlia Pic Day & Date Premiere thangies. Shiz opens in theaters and HDNet today, and will be available on DVD next week. Seek it out, like I seek out the truth about the Zodiac killah!

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Flags of Our Fathers & Letters From Iwo Jima
From The Filmmaker That Gave Us Space Cowboys
Flags Trailer|Jima Trailer

Luckily for us all, Clint’s more interested in human drama than dried fruit drama. I’m not gonna go on and on about either of these movies cause you really should see both, if you haven’t already, and if dat be the case then see them in the order that they were released (USA FIRST BIZATCH!). It’s impossible not to compare the films as they are two sides of one enorm-o story, er, um, war, so… I’m going to compare them. Flags isn’t as deeply emotional as Jima, but then again it’s not nearly as boring as it is either. I’m not saying that Iwo is woeful for the eyes, but Flags‘ sucksseeds as a piece of infotainment mo cause it pays equal attention to the home AND away, while Letters clocks waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many hours on that island. Dats all I gotta say… or not…

Before I go, I juss wanna give a giant middle finger to the Academy for two things:

1) how could anyone with eyes ever EVER EVER say that Little Miss Snoozeshine is more deserving of a Best Pic nom than Flags? With that kinda thinkin Napoleon Dynamite shoulda got a nod instead of Million Dollar Baby 2 years ago

2) Adam Beach from Flags got so hosed in the Best Supporting category. I can’t really disagree with their picks, and no offense to Alan Arkin, but the same rule applies as with #1

Unsatisfied with this?: Netflix the John Wayne klassic Sands of Iwo Jima [trailer], which hactually featured the surviving flag raisers AND the flag itself!

Possible Porno Name: Our Fathers Are Fags & Penthouse Letters From Iwo Jima

Apt MPupil3: Pat Benatar’s ‘Love Is A Battlefield‘ [d]

Papa’s Got A Brand New Flag: take a peep at photographer Joe Rosenthal, who peaced the fork out last August, speak about that iconic image, which also eggsists in video form

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): sure, Iwo seems like it’s 4374217142 hours long, but in the long run, both are ultimately Breast In Show

until next thyme the balcony is clothed… and by next time, I mean next week we’re frynally gonna unveil the breast of the breast in movies ‘006!!

Rocky Balboa
A Knockout
Trailers

I never thought that in a million years that a 6th Rocky movie would not only be watchable, but effin yumcredible! DATS EFFIN RIGHT, YO! I said it and I don’t care if you think otherwise. RB is the perfect ending to a series that shoulda hung up its gloves well before Lang got clubbered in #III. While it largely succeeds cause its a respectful celebration of the well travelled road of Rocky, in my mind, it extra-largely succeeds cause the film is a cinematic metaphor for Sylvester Stallone’s own rocky roaded life. When Rocky sez something about his life in the film, he’s also talkin bout Sylvester’s. It’s actually all very touching, and I aint talkin bout what one does when watching a Keeley Hazel sex tape, and it call all purty much be summed up in these lines (which almost doubles the length of this review!)

Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done. Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!

Gawd bless you SS. You turned what shoulda been a joke into something of relevance. I don’t think anyone expected that to happen, but you went out and did what you do best, and for that, I think we can stop making Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot jokes… for at least another year. Breast of all, this gives me great hope for Die Hard IV: Live Free of Die Hard… even if that stoopid Jeepers Creepers Apple loser is in it

Unsatisfied with this?: then wait for Rambo IV: Pearl of the Cobra, which, to my chuck-knoll-ledge, has nothing to do with Cobra

Possible Porno Name: Bumby Dildo, AHHHHHH!

Apt MPupil3: David Barrett‘s only shining moment, ‘That One Shining Moment‘ [d|vid|post]

IMDb Sweeney: Rocky Sylvester’s currently attached to play ex-LAPD Detective Russell Poole, the man who solved the Biggie Smalls case, but was thwarted by his own superiors, in the ‘008 TV film Notorious, which I guess will be the closest thing Sly will ever get to being in a Hitchcock movie, although he did have an uncredited bit part in Woody Allen’s klassic Bananas and in the Oscar winning Klute. And who had any idea that his first film role was in a porn, The Party at Kitty and Stud’s?

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…