Thighs Wide Shut

– While taking a break from inventing solar-powered flash lights and ice cube warmers, a Polish costal town is seriously thinking about enlarging the breasts of their belovededed mermaid statue. I hear that Ustka, Poland is sister cities with the other Mecca of boob enhancement, Los Angeles.

– The Christ does it again!!! Last week, after catching Mel Gibson’s latest musical, a Texan man confessed to a murder, and this week a Norwegian neo-Nazi has confessed to two unsolved bombings from the early 90s. I wonder if GW Bush saw it yet. He’d come out of the theaters and confess to the world that he doesn’t know what he’s doing, let alone remember which movie he just saw.

– Dying to know more about the Zodiac Killer?

– Bored at work and have a lot of free time? Of course you do. Why else would you be on my site? Click me (speakers required)! Link provided by the Zack Attack.

Meet the world’s most inept Kentucky Fried Chicken employees.

1. Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed – $30.7 million – I’ll let Ebert do the talking here, “it will certainly be titled in France, Scooby-Doo Deux.”

2. The Ladykillers – $13 million – Despite the mixed reviews, nothing was going to stop me from seeing a Coen Brothers’ movie… even a remake! In fact, I’ll see any movie made by brothers: The Hughes, the Marx, the Polish, the Estevezez, or even the Ringling… if they ever get around to it. Anywho, while the movie is no Lebowski, it’s mos def NOT Intolerable Cruelty (or how I felt after seeing that dreck). The laughs are thin, but I muss say I was entertained throughout. Tom Hanks finally took a break from boring weepy flicks and delivered an eggsalad performance as an eccentric Poe-spouting, Kentucky-fried-looking, heist-maestro, Goldthwaite Higginson Dorr III. All the character’s names were um-credible. How could “Lump Henderson”, “Garth Pancake”, and “Weemack Funthes” not raise a smile? But I muss say, the brothers Coen are slipping a bit. Not as much as The Simpsons have, but I’m starting to see a decline.

3. The Passion of the Christ – $12.5 million – Next weekend will be the true test. Moses vs. The Christ. Why shell out 10 clams when you can see a real epic/expensive soap opera, The Ten Commandments, for free next Sunday on ABC. Time to break out your matzah.

4. Dawn of the Dead – $10.3 million – I was never going to see this movie ever until my boy Wannamaker won cash-money in Vega$ and bribed me to tag along. And since he paid, I’ll quote em, “If they took the best parts of the original and the best parts of this one, it would make a much better movie.” Save yourself the trouble, Netflix 28 Days Later instead.

5. Jersey Girl – $8.3 million – How did this movie make more than 36 cents? I’d rather take shots of Liquid Drano than sit through a Kevin Smith directed romantic comedy starring Ben Affleck.

6. Taking Lives – $6.5 million – Angelina Jolie’s lips sicks ships… and apparently movies too!

7. Starsky & Hutch – $6.3 million – According to the latest Thighs Wide Shut poll, people are clamoring for a Riptide movie. Somewhere Perry King and Joe Penny are blowing the dust of their resumes.

8. Hidalgo – $5.43 million – That’s pronounced, “hee-daawg-gogh.”

9. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind – $5.42 million – Best movie out and it’ll be gone from theaters in weeks. What’s this movie missing? Boobs? A guy riding a horse? A dude with holes in his hands?

10. Secret Window – $5.4 million – Looks like the buying public placed an A/C unit in the Window cause this puppy has cooled down.

Is it just me or was the 56 months of waiting for The Sopranos not worth it at all? I forgot how little I care for these characters anymore. It would be interesting if Paulie Walnuts and Christopher fell in love instead of whacking waiters. And who cares if a bear’s on the rampage! Oh my! Maybe Vinny Delpino from Doogie Howser can save the day! Or how bout Dr. Melfi’s boobs! Were they even her’s or was it all an illusion like when Jack Nicholson was in room 237 trying to mack with some 80 year old zombie biaytch.