Frankenweenie
James Whale of a Good Time
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG | 87 min

Tim Burton, creatively, hasn’t had much luck adapting other people’s claims to fame.  Alice was far from a Wonderland.  That Chocolate Factory desperately needed to be condemned.  Planet of the Apes?  More like Planet of the WÃœRST!!  Sure, Dark Shadows wasn’t awful, but it wasn’t as awesome as it could have been neithers!  So what if he adapted his own claim to fame?????  Taking his 1984 live-action short film [WATCH!!!] and turn it into a full-length stop-motion animation feature (basically an adaption of his adaption of Frankenstein)? On paper, it sounds like a sure thing, but so did all those other projects listed above, before they became sure thing disasters!!!!

But movies aren’t made on paper, they are made on film digital files!!!  And sometimes Tim Burton is capable of making things that don’t suck in the 21st century (BIG FISH!!!), and his long-form Frankenweenie far from sucks.  It’s actually his best work since Big Fish (although that doesn’t really say much) and more importantly, reminds us of a time when Burton wasn’t a studio hack, but a unique mastermind of weirdness and wonderment.  Could you ask for anything more?  Yeah, like 20 more real Tim Burton movies instead of 20 more bullsh!t Tim Burton movies

So how does the longer Weenie compare story-wise to the shorter one?  Basically the same (boy loves dog, dog dies, boy brings dog back to life, weirdness AND loveliness ensues), but everything this time around is more gothic-y/Burton-y/stop-motiony AND funner!!!  PLUS the boy, Victor Frankenstein (now voiced by Charlie Tahan), also gets more fleshed out classmates to play with, and THEY ARE ALL AWESOMEESSS!!!!!!  esp Edgar ‘E’ Gore voiced by Atticus Shaffer + one of them has the voice of Winona Ryder!!!!!!!  YES, WINONA AND TIM BACK TOGETHER AGAIN!!!!!!!!  YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MORE THIS PLEASE!!!! And Catherine O’Hara is back too!!!!  IT’S LIKE A BEETLEJUICEY SEMI NOT REALLY REUNION!!!!!  + Martin Short AND Martin Landau have voices!!!!!

This movie is a FrankenWINNER!  It’s true cause it’s true

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Frankenweenie IS ALIVE, today at a theater near jews!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Campaign ’88 cigarettes!!!!

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Wuthering Heights
Wutherings Original
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
NR | 129 min

Here’s what we knew about Wuthering Heights before seeing the 15th filmed adaptation of it – I think one of Brontë sisters Brontësaurused it.  Other than that, we don’t know what ‘wuthering‘ is or how to spell it without googlesings it!!!

Here’s what we’ve learned about Wuthering Heights after seeing Wuthering Heights – dude, there are heights, and then there are WUTHERING HEIGHTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It’s true!!!  BUT WHAT IS ARE ‘WUTHERING HEIGHTS????????????

We sat thru the whole movie, awake, and really really dug it all, cause it was beautiful and had feelings, and had great foley work, and had even more feelings, but we STILL have zero negative one idea what Wurthering Heights are is!!!

When movies don’t spell things out, the internet does.  According to here, ‘Wuthering Heights‘ is the name of one of the main character’s homes.  Don’t think they mentioned it in the movie, or at least wethinks they didn’t, but maybe they did and we were juss too busy taking in the beauty, and the pain, and the love that could never be, which is a worse pain than the worsestest pain you can imagine (even more so than death by stereo!!!)

But what is ‘wurthering‘???  Webster didn’t know, so we asked his sister Merriam who says ‘blowing with a dull roaring sound‘.  Now that makes sense, cause there is lots of wind blowing with dull roaring sounds in this movie!!!!!!!!!!!  Andrea Arnold did it!!!  No, she really did!  She took some heights and wuthered them.  Of course she did!!!!  Wemeans, she’s made three full length features (this, FCUKING FISH TANK!!!! & the rocky rockin Red Road), and they all is mesmerizings and had awesome womens characters in em, and that’s really all you need to know!

OK, enuff about ‘wuthering’.  What’s the story abouts???  One day a carefree lass named Catherine (Shannon Beer) gains a black half-brother named Heathcliff (Solomon Glave).  The two quickly become as thick as thieves (wait, WHAT THE FRUSH DOES THICK AS THIEVES MEAN????), and they have fun and run around the moors and is never boorsed.  But he’s black, and this is olden times, so he has to do lots of work and her real brother despises Heathcliff and hits him and stuff.  Heathcliff obviously sweats Catherine hard, and Catherine not as obviously sweats him back, but she can’t go all in cause he’s black and this is the olden times.  WHY CAN’T LOVE WIN REGARDLESS OF COLOR OF WUTHERINGS?!?!?!?!?!?  Time passes, and they get older (Cat turns into Kaya Scodelario and H’Cliff into James Howson), and they go their own ways, but LOVE WILL NEVER DIE, UNTIL IT DOES, so sh!t goes down and…  what do you think?  THE HEIGHTS ARE FRUDGERING WURTHERED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and in this version of WH the last 16 chapters from the book were cut out, which is a good call, cause the movie is solid as is, and if there were 16 more chapters included, I’d probably still be watching this movie

Oh, and for some reason this movie was shot (or presented) in 1.33:1 (basically 4:3) aspect ratio!!  JUST LIKE MEEK’S CUTOFF!!!!!  Apparently, if you have a beautiful arsty fartsy movie shot in a 4:3 square, Oscilloscope will buy and distribute it.  Kudos to them, and to the square filmmakers they support

Remember Wren:

Amy Wren!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Wuthering wuthers to new Heights in NYC tomorrow, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Clannad
New York Society For Ethical Culture
October 2nd

DUDE, SEEING THE CLANNAD WAS THE MOST, BESTEST IRISH THING I’VE EVER SEEN/DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVEN MORE SO THAN GOING TO IRELAND!!!!  It’s actually kinda true, cause the Clannad are like the bestest Irish/Celtic pub band who doesn’t need a pub filled with drunk people to shamROCK THE HOUSE, YO!!!!  THEY DID IT!!!!  Even if you hate everything Irish like Lucky Charms, it’s impossible not to love the Clannad (you know Enya used to be in the band, and her siblings ARE the band, right?).  The C’nads put the I-CAN in that Last of The Mohicans movie.  They said love the player and the game for Harry.  And morsel importantly, they CREATED THE GREATEST SOUNDTRACK EVER (that isn’t Tommy). Which one?  THE FCUKING ONE FOR THAT ROBIN OF SHERWOOD SHOW THAT IS SO GREATESTTESTTSTST!!!!!!!!

AND THEY DID A FCUKING RAWESOME MEDLEY OF IT IN CONCERTSZ!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT WHAT THEY REALLY NEEDS TO DO IS PLAY THE ENTIRE SOUNDTRACK IN FULL CAUSE IT’S MY FAVORITE IRISH THING THAT ISN’T CIARÁN HINDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh, and btw, Moya/Máire Brennan is GOOOOOORGEOUS!!!!

not kidding.  we love Irish-British looking women and women with a lil extra, AND HARPS!!!!