The Witch
Fraught Pilgrims vs the World
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 92 min

Somewhere between The Crucible and The Village (and The Wicker Man) lives Robert Eggers‘ The Witch – a quiet creeper that will have you shying away from the woods, and goats, and time traveling back to a time in American history where pilgrims prided themselves on their own pride

This story is about a pilgrim family, expelled from a pilgrim colony, and forced to make it on their own in the New England wilderness of the 17th century (that’s the 1600s, for those knot in the know).  The family doesn’t have much beyond themselves and prayer.  There’s a father (Ralph Ineson, better known as The Office‘s Finchy) whose trying to keep his family afloat (and somehow builds an entire house on his own… although the building of said house is not shown in the movie), a wife (Kate Dickie) who doesn’t seem to do too much, outside of birthing kids and yelling at them, and… a bunch of kids.  The one kid doing most of the stuff around the household (Anya Taylor-Joy) lets the one thing happen that never should have – as she was caring for her baby brother – BOOM – the baby disappears!!  Where did the baby go?  Was it snatched up by a wolf?  A witch?  A wolfwitch? A chipwich?????

This is where things get quieter and creepier – and where our family members start venturing into the woods, when you know they shouldn’t go anywhere near it.  More bad things happen, again, and again, and family members start to get possessed, and then they start turning on one another.  More bad things happen, and then things go even quieter, and even creepier, and BOOM – the movie ends

What happened?  What’s up with that woman who looks like the woman from the Shining bathtub?  Why does this feel like an M Night Shamalalaananan movie (the good kind, like he used to make)?  Who would want to leave their country and live in the middle of nowhere of a new country?  How is Finchy not in every movie???  You might have the same questions, or form your own, but The Witch won’t answer any of them – it will juss A and B-witch you from start to finish!!!

Ode To Joy: Anya T-Joy is one to watch (and gawk at!)

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Creepers

Witch is boom and vroooooooom at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

believe it or not, in my adolescents, I used to be even angrier about really dumb stuff

and I REALLY thought my music tastes were so super cool!

yes, I was once a journalist for my high school’s paper – The Tide, and the English language was never the same.  you’re welcome

Peace The Forks Out

to

anonymous ‘meh’ / ‘cash grab’ / ‘hummus’
Brooklyn Vegan
comments

which were the best anonymous comments
on the world wide web – EVER

&

George Kennedy

+

he gave the rose a name

Raiders of The Lost Ark cinematographer

THE Dr Nick

last survivor of Treblinka

Tony Phillips

screenplayed Silkwood

American Gladiator Hawk!

oblique functioner

he liked his love young

Coronation Street creator

he gave us this, one of the most fcuked up movies evers

he made Sha Na Na saxy

she built the House of Style

Fidel’s older bro

Disney World’s first permanent employee

former Disneyland Prez

Duke Evers

he made computers personal

helped put college basketball on television

some guy who owned a farm that served food

not THAT Charlie Tuna

Second City owner

Joey ‘The Lips’ Fagan

NPRer

inspired Kubrick

he funded medical stuff

she loved movable-type

Father Jack in Ted

a Mondavi

a Miss NJ

Kiwi actress

not small Ang

his shadow was dark

some Ranger

Michael Jackson’s dermatologist

&

Axel Foley’s boss – Inspector Todd

+

this dude and his MUSTache

The story of Freddie Mercury getting a piggyback ride from Darth Vader

–

wait, what about when you said ‘and I don’t like Star Wars‘???

the 88th Oscars waz a doozy, and a floozy.  here’s what truly won and lost…

Winners

Tracy Morgan IS The Danish Girl (who isn’t)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Z-D2AMKYmo

–

Tom Hardy’s wife - Charlotte Riley’s chest

–

the calm and coolness that is Mark Ruffalo and his wink

–

the return of Ali G  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YerpSOSt9kw

and how wife Isla Fisher snuck in the costume

–

how they let the ‘Sound Editing’ and ‘Sound Mixing’ categories explain themselves with… sound!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlPX5Zkiw4Q

–

Jacob Tremblay has arrived!! (with his parents)

–

Academy President Cheryl Boone Isaacs‘ sexy-smart glasses

–

Girl Scout cookies!

–

Ashley Graham – is BREAST dressed of the night!

–

Losers

any chance of Clueless being celebrated at future Academy Awards.  poor Stacey Dash

–

Mad Max‘s costume designer and Oscar winner, Jenny Beavan, can’t dress herself, and no one claps for her

–

Sofía Vergara renaming Son of Saul - Son of Saauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuul

–

white people, Asian people, Hispanic people, Indian people, Native American people.  they all matter, cause every person matters!

this can all be solved by letting Kumail Nanjiani (and white person Kate McKinnon) host next year!

–

Zodiac - it was also about journalism too (better than Spotlight), and it’s the best movie of the 21st century, and it still has zero Oscar wins or even nominations

–

Mark Rylance‘s hair AND his dumb hat

–

all the people who died and got zero love for dying – Abe Vigoda / Dick Van Patten / Anne Meara / Patrick Macnee / Jason Voorhees’ mom / Stand By Me‘s Milo Pressman / Ron Moody (was nominated for an Oscar for fcuks sake) / the guy who played Leaterface / Louis Jourdan / Taylor Negron / Amanda Peterson / Mary Ellen Trainor / Uggie / Mr Deltoid 

(see our ‘In Memoriam’ area for love) 

–

better suck next year