Thighs Wide Shut

DATS RIGHT FOLKS!!
the 2 month cow/queen
is warrick dunn
and thus
Keira Christina Knightley
be yer
Colin Fifth
Her Royal Thighness
of balls thyme
Tit all started on the set of Episode I when my mejor hombre Sio Bibble started having convulsions and wouldn’t stop saying ‘invasion’. A young girl playing Natalie Portman’s decoy came over to see what all the hot fuss was about. We locked eyes and didn’t stop starring at each other until Sio came to and started babylonning about ‘negotiations’ and some show starring William Fichtner that would eventually air a long long ways away, in a galaxy far far away. Then, George Lucas and his 17 chins kicked me off the set cause he thought I was the only one on the internets speaking negatively about him. That was the last I saw of this Winona Ryder look-a-like for a few years… until one magical day, Sio and my other most trusted advisor and comrade in cable-knit sweaters, Jimmy ‘$5’ Smits, were plotting on how to take over the world with only the use of Gotcha guns. When we realized how refarted that notion was, we started giving Sio wedgies until his balls were coming out of his mouth. We put Sio to bed, and then Jimmy turned to me and said, ‘hey, Thizzle, o’ master of Thighland and things involving Crisco, this chick with itty bitty titties has been axing about you and yer massively large cock.’ That was kinda odd to hear, hispecially since Jim-dawg was grabbing my pelvic region as he was spraying these werds from his mouth. So it was all set up and me and KK had our first date on the set of a Conan O’Brien. Odd, but then again, what me normal?

It was all a bit uncomfortable at first, since we didn’t have much in common, besides the fact that we’re both more beautiful than all the art work in the Met, AIC, and the Md’O combined. So I started asking her random questions like what she thought of ice, and Dziga Vertov’s Man With a Movie Camera, and like what it was like to have like lil cup-cake boobies, yet be hextremlee adorabltastic to the nth degree celsius. Without hesitation, she starting licking my corn, and the rest is, shall we say, herstory

And here’s the EGGSCLUSIVE first snap of when I told her that she win me, and she would not only be the ruler of my kingdom and my cockdom, but also second-in-commanded-in-chief for the army of Ong-Bak: The Thigh Warriors

May your reign be longer than my pubic hairs or books in a pubic library!!! And don’t you fret dearest Camilla, I still got my eye on you, and my thigh rubbing in yer poo!

Back to yer regularlelleyy unofficial royal bidness…

• Kazakhstan (the world’s NINTH largest country??) may sue their largest export [via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

• Good, cause the last thing any of us needed was Gangs of New York II

• Ms Big Bazangas gets all prudish in Hollywurst. This really isn’t important news, but I was looking for a reason to link to pics of her crazy-ass melloncollies

• For some reason, after peepin these snaps from the forthcummin Outkast flick, all I wanna do is watch Janet Jackson’s ‘Alright’ video co-starring Cab Calloway, OR take out my imaginary VHS copy of Dick Tracy and diarrhea all over it

• The Official Mascots of the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games… supposedly ‘friendlies’ is the Chinese word for uber gay flammin mascots

• Chris Kaman, center for the Los Angeles Clippers, is really really scary looking…

• Hipster Tee Shirt Generator [via the Meat Hook]

• The Krusaders, cause Christ was secretly a ninja [via Sumtang Awful]

• And I think it was about time that kids got their own version of the ’69 wife swap sex romp Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice

By the randall gay, who the fork is that mini-Sal Paolantonio touching my adopted daughter?

Whilst some had
the BREASTest week mt everest

Others had the longest
yard stick in their pants
weekend known to man

including, but not limited to, such hotness as…

Running into the bossman
who looks kinda like
Jeremy Irons
with peppered hair

that sent me into
(f)unemployment

Riding Trent’s coattails
and
eating him out
eating out
@ McHale’s

which is peacing the fork out
January 1st, 2006

Taking in the overrateness
and awful teenage
sideburnededness
of
A History of Violence

[review 4th cummin]

Munching on Cousin Dan’s
muffalicious muffalettas
(not to be confused with
yer mother’s tatas
or
Joe E Tata)
and den
pub crawling our way
into the biggest collection
of Spartans fans east of East Lansing

Sipping on Capri Suns
[check out THIS CS purse!]
while watching things that are
as boring as Beck’s Sea Change

like MEN HITTING EACH OTHER!
(secretly gay thing that
all men like, cept me)

Watching del Skins go
3-0

in an decade devoid of
Joe Jacoby Theatervision commercials

And finished it all off
in Coney Island with

Nathan’s
bacon cheese
diarrhea
in a box

And rawkin out to Beck
despite the fact that
his peeps be
hawkin stress tests
and his mysterious favorin’ of
Snooze Change
over
Bestations

So who’s ready to have the breastest week ever,
rosh the casbah,
and party like it’s
5766
????

GWBushwick?

Can anyone peas tell me who the fork
this scrumdeliumptious model is?

Can anyone peas tell me why womenses
don’t eat bananas more often?

I’m going back to New York City/I do believe I’ve had enough

1938 – 2005 | 1927 – 2005
• More eggciting info has been dropped for that Coney/Staten Island music thingie in Rocktober

• Cpt Zzzzzz happy to be a part of the 21st century

• FRANZ FERDINAND BURY FARTING FEUD

• Charlotte Church’s boobs get people canned, but how can I get her boobs on my can?

• The NCAA hates Indians

• When did Princess Leia become the Prime Minister of the Ukraine? [via Johnny $]

• Scarlett Johansson is forking Jewish?!?!@?! I’m going to save her a seat at my next Seder and give her a lil shank bone love.

• I can’t bee leave my Subway Sub Club membership is going to be revoked

• What’s the difference between e.g. and i.e.?

• Wanna make yer baby look really stoopid? Go ahead, no one’s stopping you

• Crates & Barrels, in videogames

• Bid on one unscratched McDonald’s Dick Tracy Crimestopper’s Game

• StuffOnMyCat.com

• TWS.org, your #5 search result for ‘men tea bagging pictures‘

• I almost thought my head was going to explode on Saturday. Why? Well, me and Chillary G have been playing O.C season 1 catch up and dared to watch 7 episodes in a span of 7 + hours (we took a break for dinner). Yep, 315 minutes filled with more or less the same melodramas being repeated over and over. How many times is Ryan not going to express his feelings to Marissa only to have her get upset at him and then not want to be with him only to want to be with him later on, but then he no longer wants to be with her? And why do they have to get rid of good characters all the time? Luke is effin the man and if Seth Cohen doesn’t want to I’d sure love to strongshlong Samaire Armstrong (who looks so much more fab with long hair). I juss can’t bee leave I missed that season when I first aired. I’ve been hitting myself in the head like Oliver ever since.

• And you can have the Jeff Garcia lookin one cause I got dibs on the short on dude with the hairy arms and back!

[via BBB via Gulf of Sonkin]

Seriously, what the fork happened? I mean, who wouldn’t want to pimp an Atari phone in their home?

[via The Atari Museum]
• Vincent Chase would make a whorrible Aquaman

• Set snappages from Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette. Early guess review: don’t bother and juss Netflix Barry Lyndon already!! Related: Kubrick’s final film

• Meet the next group of people you’ll loaf to loathe on next season’s 24: him, her, and her. [via Dark Ho]

• Fiery Furnaces announce a bunch o early football season tour dates. They hit up NYC’s Town Hall on the 14th, in the fitting month of ROCKtober.

• Does this have a chance of being better than this? I dunno, cause the 1st one has no relation to Dakota Fanning.

• How come Electric Six released Senor Smoke in the UK this past February, yet it has yet to hit our shores? Either way, feels free to ‘preview’ it here

• Although Thighs has turned his back on MTV’s The Real World, doesn’t mean he’s turned his eyes away from any NSFWness from Austin’s Melinda

• Vote for yer flavorite cover of my mos flavorite magazine, Time Out New York . I’ll tell ya write now that mine isn’t this one of a cow or this one, which is currently in the lead, but I’m teetering tween the first issue I ever got, ‘Tasha, Meg in a cast, The A to the muther stickin G, Pee-Wee, the flick that’s in a 4 way tie for all thymes breastest in my book, and the one that will probably end up getting my vote, Superjew!

• Jessica Biel makes out with a Pringle, and yet she’s still not attractive. [via Predicure]

• Ism gets Spanish Lohag hate mail

• MIDIes galore in the key of Video Games. They won’t let me hot link to them, but here’s a bunch I blazzle dazzled all over: Blades of Steel‘s Victory, Bionic Commando‘s Level 1, Double Dragon‘s Mission 1, Excitebikes‘s Title, Final Fantasy‘s Matoya’s Cave, Goonies II‘s Cyndi LauperGood Enough stizz, Ice Hockey‘s Game, Zelda‘s Overworld, Pro Wrestling‘s Profile, RC Pro-Am’s Title, Rygar‘s Level 1, Mario‘s Starman Dance AND Doo-Dads Doo-Dads Doo-Dads jounks, Tetris A, and duhvs course, Tyson’s Punch-Out‘s BLANK Stole My Bike. [via Pakulashaker]

• Impress none of your friends with this Washington Natty’s lamp

• Pictures from within the NYC subway system [via Data Doubleya]

• Austria Museum Lets Naked People in Free

• Young Boys Wankdorf Erection Relief [SFW via Fark]

• PACERS, GREMLINS, AND MATADORS!

• Dr Zaius is a playa [b wear of sound]

• And with some newly minted free time, oddly enuff not used for blogging, I’ve been revisiting some moooovies. I gave The Village a 2nd chance, and I muss admit, my opinion has warrick dunn a complete 180. This is Shyamalandingdong at his best and probably one of the most beautiful movies of 2004. Too bad I can’t go back and change my year end Best Of list. I also gave some reloveage to Tim Burton’s Batman. While many people have hailed the new C Bale one as the Holy Toledo Batman Grail, I still stand by version 1.0. I mean can you name a better summer blockbuster since 1989? I can’t. And don’t give me any of this Star Wars or Spiderman jazz!! Burton did everything right, especially make Gotham City into a character all its own. Plus it doesn’t hurt that Billy Dee Williams was in it too. And our final trip down memory lame was devoted to the movie that everyone hates, cept for me and my monkey and his fumndacheese: A.I.. Sure it runs a lil on the long side, but where else are you going to get Senor Spielbergo channeling Stanley Kubrick? If it was the other way around, Full Metal Jacket would have ended with Private Pyle and Gunnery Sergeant Hartman hugging. And don’t sleep on my man Haley Joel Omelette!! The kid was purrrrrrrfectly cast as a robot, since he’s actually related to R.O.B., of Gyromite fame. And although he may have lost his boyhood charm, doesn’t mean the kid is down and out. Dude juss signed-on for ‘an independent coming-of-age drama’. Sounds like a snoozefest and 73/1011ths, but after all he gave us, don’t we owe him?