Thighs Wide Shut

Taking Woodstock
What A Long Not So Strange Trip It’s Been
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Woodstock was supposed to take place in Wallkill, New York, but shiz happened and so it couldn’t be held there anymo. Enter Elliot (née Teichberg) Tiber (Demetri Martin, being a little less crazy here than he is when gettin his booty on the floor with the Crazy Dogggz), who helps run his mom and pop’s (Imelda Staunton & Henry Goodman, laying the Jewishness on a bit too thick) rundown El Monaco Motel near Bethel, NY. Money was tight and their motel was in trouble of being shut down so enterprising Elliot, who was the president of the town’s Chamber of Commerce and had already secured a permit for his own local arts and music festival, takes Woodstock. Get it? The locals aren’t pleased, but the festival organizers, led by the male Lady Godiva with a vest Michael Lang (Jonathan Groff) are, especially with time running out and not many options left. Elliot’s original location idea wasn’t big enuff, so he turns to a local dairy farmer named Max Yasgur (Eugene Levy, in a role he was truly born to play), who has plenty of land to spare, and spankfully open to the idea. All the above and the additional steps leading up to the actual concert are brilliantly depicted in Ang Lee‘s look back, with usual scripting from partner James Schamus in tow

But when the show goes on, the movie practically loses all of it’s flower powers. As the music blares in the background, the focus stays on Elliot, with his family’s money troubles now evaporated, he starts to out his in the closet feelings, as well as explore some mind-melting drugs, but who friggin cares? It’s understandable not wanting to recreate stage performances already captured to a T in Michael Wadleigh‘s 1970 Academy Award winning doc, but if yer thirdish act lacks like Taking Woodstock‘s does (Emile Hirsch as a vet = meh, Liev Schreiber as a tranny = eh), don’t think anyone would complain if they let Jenna Maroney do her best/wurstest Janis Joplin impersonation/abortion. We are also denied the possible pleasure of seeing Levy as Yasgur, delivering his heartfelt speech on the main stage (then again, maybe that was in the movie and we missed it since we had to pee 2 times during our viewing). Come to think of it, they shoulda made a movie revolving around Yasgur. We mean, dude got effin name-checked in Joni Mitchell’s beyond classic eponymous track [empee3], and the more flamously cover version done up by CSN&Y [empee3]. What you got Tiber, besides a river in Italy that your probably renamed yerself after?

Earthlight Players With Herself Club: hottie Jennifer Merrill gets nekkid as an Eartlight Theater Player. luckily (thighlarious) troupe leader Dan Fogler didn’t

Verdictgo: Jeepers Somewhat Worth A Peepers

American Casino
The Bank Job
Official Website & Trailer

America’s housing crash and current financial crisis is confusing stuffs. Believe us, it is! We hactually stopped reading any articles on it cause news like that doesn’t talk about boobs and the only thing we know about money is how to spend it on crap from our past that we re-want and can find on eBay. Well Leslie Cockburn and hubby Andrew do their best to bring us up to speed, doc style, with a mix of personal stories of foreclosures on people who probably shouldn’t have had a mortgage to begin with, to a bunch of talking heads talking about stuff that’ll be over mos people’s heads besides people who talk like those talking heads, but not the ones from the band that totally has to reunite before they are we die. Translation: there’s something here for both the the layman and texperts to sink their and our brains into. Casino may not be timeless, but you have to give it some credit crunch for being right on time

Wilde At Heart: the Cockburn’s daughter is none other than Houser/OCer/Tron Legacyer Olivia Wilde. tawk about a family with brains AND beauty!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Woodstock is currently slightly hitting the mark at theaters near jews, whilst Casino plays on house money in NY & SF only, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Skins Season Three, Episode 5: Freddie [trailer]

Freddie’s the pretty boy, but unlike series’ 1’s pretty (about a) boy there’s not much depth to his character besides the depth his conditioner adds to his amazin hair. Yet having amazin hair does not make up for the fact that he’s bland, and it doesn’t help that the actor portraying him, Luke Pasqualino, always looks like he’s acting too hard in his scenes. Overall the episode was solid, spanks to those mo interesting folks that surround Fred (continued ookie Cook-ie, a classic magic trick from JJ, hairs stand on end + the return of Josie Long), but twas quite a come down after the previous ep featuring Pandora’s off the wall pajama jammy jam. Also, there was one major problem with the ‘sode: a gigantic lack of Skins twins!!!

so who wins this week’s Fitch(/Prescott) twins action jackson award?

Ems(/Kat), who barely appears in two measly scenes

none involving kissing girls

or

Katie(/Meg), who barely appears in only one measly scene

that doesn’t take place in a shower or our bedroom

so, our ep 5 winner: tie

and the tie goes to…

Fred’s lil sister and Sexxbomb contender Karen (Klariza Clayton), who wants to go ‘Ass 2 Ass’ with you [empee3]

wees was wonderin if a third series happens (that would be season 5) and they kick out these current kids and start anew like they dids before, whether she’d be the one holdover like Effy was from Series 1 to Series 2. certainly wouldn’t be the wurstest thang that could happen

‘Total Love Warrior’ [empeethree]
& ‘Pretty Woman’ (Roy Orbison Cover) [empeethree]
by Jean-Benoit Dunckel (of Air fame, for those who are lame)
from his Original Soundtrack to Cyprien

& czech out the trailer to the film that looks like Can’t Buy Me Love meets The Devil Wears Prada meets French crap on a stick

Carey Mulligan wants to be Sean Connery, has had fewer manicures in her life than we have, and is ready to make you swoon

+ mo T-Mag photos

John Hughes died here

Lucy Pinder kicks balls [NSFW]

Damon Albarn’s lil sistah to design clothes for Oasis?

recommended for daily use: Imagery’s image search & Bing’s video search

white girls doing impressions of Bill Cosby

Periodic Table Sweater [b3ta]

Bitchenist Single-Parent Family Ever!

Margaret Nolan could quite possibly be the mos underrated, unknown, and hottiest Bond girl of balls thyme [NSFW]

she (briefly) played Dink in Goldfinger, and was featured in our mos flavorite Bond moment mt EVERest

+ You Always Fap Twice

District 9
Things Fall Apartheid
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

The Peter Jackson produced Halo flick didn’t happen, but that loss turned out to be every movie lover’s gain. The studios didn’t have much faith in Jackson’s pick for Halo‘s director, so instead of walking away with nothing ventured, he and said pick, Neill Blomkamp,+ a meager 30 mil budget, turned one of his short films (see ‘Short Shorts’ below) into a full blown, wholly original (with evening shades of E.T., Enemy Mine, V, Contact, Tsotsi and anything futuristic by the genius Paul Verhoeven) and wholly kick a$$ feature that purty much blows away most of the other so-called blockbuster entertainment that hit theaters this summer. With no big names on the marquee, the money was poured into the yumcrdible effects work, and it’s amazing how far that money went considering Transformers 2 cost 170 mil more to make and their effects work was, to put it slain and pimple, shit

District 9 takes place in South Africa and it’s no secret that the film is one giant parable for apartheid and the rampant racism in that country. Instead of a million blacks sectioned off into one gigantic slum, separated from the rest of ‘proper’ society, D-9 is filled with a million space aliens, referred to as ‘prawns’ due to their crustaceany appearance and bottom-feeding ways. Our story begins, in a jarring documentary type style, filling us in on how these unwanted visitors one day appeared on Earth, got stuck here with no answers as to why or how, and eventually became such public pariahs that they had to be quarantined off from everyone else. Then the story shifts to the now, when a large corporation that specializes in weaponry wants to shut down the slum, move the beasts further away from the big city and into another area for better control. That’s where we meet our reluctant hero Wikus Van De Merwe (acting novice Sharlto Copley), with the cheery disposition and blind optimism of both Michael Scott and Murray Hewitt, who is tasked with serving the eviction notices. His job purty much sucks, and the ruff and tumble evictees don’t make it any easier

At first, we as an audience are disgusted and scared by the aliens’ look and garbled speech, but then midway thru the movie the magic is slowly unveiled, and as the tables are suddenly turned on our man Wikus (we wouldn’t dare tell you any mo as to not spoil any of the fun fun fun!), we start to look at the aliens in an entirely new light and are forced to reexamine our own prejudices. Woooah! Nobody asked for such brainy goodness to be wedged into a wicked action flick, but what does one expect when it was made outside of the (mostly) brainless Hollywood system? It’s purty brainless if you ask us that they were unable (to trust Jackson and) recognize that Blomkamp was totally capable of delivering a big budget summer movie, hispecially since he delivered one of the bestest we’ve seen in ages, with no big budget in which to speak of

We Wear Short Shorts: here lies Blomkamp’s short film Alive In Joburg, which is free of any D-9 spoilers and totally worthy of yer eyes & thighs

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

D-9 grinds at a theater near jews this Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…