Thighs Wide Shut

TV was good to us this past year and in turn we masturbated a lot. Actually we didn’t, but we probably logged the mos amt of hours in front of the tube of boob since the weigh days when Saved By The Bell played after school 4 times in a row. As for the writer’s strike, we actually believed it helped to make better TV. Why may you flask? Cause mos shows run out of steam half way thru a 20+ ep run and the abbreviated seasons forced tighter storylines and mo juicy entertainments. Less is always more, unless wees talkin about our crush… er, um, CRUSH!

So besides the year-round bestness that be PTI, Ebert & Roeper and CBS Sunday Morning here are our top 13 picks that didn’t suck our vaginas (peas note we didn’t watch Mad Men and to this day, haven’t seen one episode of The Wire… but we plan on changing that)

1. Dexter – did the impossible of following up the BEYOND fantabolous first season with a BEYOND solid second season, where Dex found himself going from hunter to hunted, all while dealing with TV’s mos hated character, the ‘gross, English, titty vampire.‘

2. The Office – ‘Gift baskets are… the essence of class and fanciness‘

3. Flight of the Conchords – if you haven’t rapped along to ‘Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenocerous‘ you truly haven’t lived

4. Lost – we once were bored, but now we’re beard!

5. Kid Nation – kids say the darndest things, and do em as well, and even better than the boring adults that oversaturate the reality genre. don’t know if a second dose of this will be good, but kids doing stuff is second best to monkeys doing stuff

6. Californication – all glorious NSFW breastesiesezes aside, this show was udderly refreshing and NOT Tell Me You Put Me To Sleep

7. Gossip Girl – in 12 short episodes, GG has already replaced The OC as the only true heir to 90210. Chuck Bass kicks glass, as so do these weekly Intel reviews. + who wouldn’t want to toss Blair Waldorf’s salad?

8. 30 Rock – from thirtynothing to thirtyeverything, we’re sorry we ever doubted you

9. Journeyman – we’re still waiting for the ep where Lucius Vorenus travels back to 40ish BC

10. Aliens In America – we picked it to finish last in its class, but this comedy is first class

11. The Tudors – nothing is more gay than Jonathan Rhys Meyers, yet nothing is hotter than watching him bang chicks

12. Dance Revolution – the aim of this Saturday morning show was to get kids off the couch. it didn’t work, for them (it was canceled), but it did for us

13. The (White) Rapper Show – two words: hallelujah hollaback

want a second opinion?
well Thigh Sister and hubby Brickhouse
watch much more crappy TV than thous
and here’s their round-up for the square-down

Favorite Adrenaline Rush
Amazing Race
Dexter
Ultimate Fighter

Favorite Reality Dating Shows
Beauty and the Geek
I Love New York
Pick-Up Artist
Rock of Love with Brett Michaels
Shot of Love with Tila Tequila

Favorite Competitive Reality Shows
America’s Most Smartest Model
America’s Psychic Challenge
Big Brother
Design Star
Project Runway
Top Chef
The (White) Rapper Show

Favorite T&A Shows
The Hills
Keeping up with the Kardashians
Real Housewives of Orange County
Sunset Tan

Favorite Control Freaks
Flipping Out
Janice Dickenson Modeling Agency
Work Out

look out for our anal and annual
breastestestnessness in movies
in the weeks to come!
xo xo

meet Gemma Arterton

Bond 22 girl MI6 Agent Fields [THR]

+

Olga Kurylenko

Bond 22 girl baddie Camille

fap to all the Bond girls

we don’t heart Huckabee
but we do totally want to ram our leg of lamb down
Mike supporter Chuck Norris’ wife Gena‘s yam

in the greenwich meantime
while we wait for the day
to delta force ourselves on Mrs Chuck
we’ll juss JO to these other NSFW Gena snapples

boo-nus: Senator Dodd dropped out of the Democratic race because he was too embarrassed that his name was used for one of the lamest Star Wars characters mt EVERest

Daughtry
Robin Thicke
Rascal Flatts
Young Jeezy
Gym Class Heroes
etc
conflatulations
yous achievemints this past year
were not good enuff to fancy our tickles
like don rickles
why?
cause frankly my lloyd wright
we don’t give a ham
we eat one!

Les Breastest Albums
of 2007
To Hug Denim In Closets To

(Why Quit Smoking… Cock? Edition)

1) The Good, The Bad & The Queen
The Good, The Bad & The Queen

2) The Chemical Brothers – We Are The Night
3) Jarvis Cocker – Jarvis

4) Glen Hansard & Markéta Irglová – Once Original Soundtrack
5) KT Tunstall – Drastic Fantastic

6) Peter Bjorn and John – Writer’s Block
7) Air – Pocket Symphony
8) Just Jack – Overtones

9) Amy Winehouse – Back To Black
10) Travis – The Boy with No Name
11) Mark Ronson – Version

12) Eddie Vedder – Music for the Motion Picture Into the Wild
13) The White Stripes – Icky Thump
14) Timbaland – Shock Value

+ these bonus boners…

Bestest 2005 Album Released In 2007: Junior Senior
Hey Hey My My Yo Yo

Bestest 2006 Guilty Pleasure In 2007: Slumber Party Girls

Bestest Live Album: Daft Punk – Alive 2007

Concerts That Were More
Procerts Than Concerts

Justin Tmberlake @ MSG – Feb 7
Jill Cunniff @ Merc Lounge – Mar 11
The Good, The Bad & The Queen @ Webster Hall – Mar 12
Amy Winehouse @ Bowery Ballroom – Mar 13
Art Garfunkel AND Sean Lennon
@ Lincoln Center/Irving Plaza – Apr 13
Jarvis Cocker @ Webster Hall – Apr 23rd
Donovan @ Canal Room – May 2nd
Peter Bjorn & John @ Webster Hall – May 1st
Air @ Theater at MSG – May 10th
Daniel Johnston @ Highline Ballroom – May 17th
Roger Waters @ Continental Airlines Arena – May 24th
Keane @ Rumsey Playfield – May 30
Travis @ Irving Plaza – Jul 15th
The White Stripes @ MSG – Jul 24th
Just Jack @ Hiro Ballroom – Jul 31st
Daft Punk @ Keyspan Park – Aug 10th
Squeeze @ Beacon Theatre – Aug 3rd
The Police @ Giants Stadium – Aug 5th
Junior Senior @ Highline Ballroom – Aug 13th
The Chemical Brothers/Ladytron @ McCarren Pool – Aug 22nd
The Hives @ Webster Hall – Oct 9th
Glen Hansard & Markéta Irglová @ Beacon Theatre – Nov 19th

Tuneses For Toonces

we really need to listen to more music
there’s juss never enuff time in a day

‘A Modern Midnight Conversation’ – The Chem Bros [d]
‘Amsterdam’ – Peter Bjorn & John
anything by Andy Bernard
‘Battleships’ – Travis
‘Disney Time’ – Jarvis Cocker [d]
‘Don’t Let Him Waste Your Time’ – Jarvis Cocker
‘Ex-Guru’ – The Fiery Furnaces [d]
‘Eyes Wide Open’ – Travis [d]
‘Falling Slowly’ – Glen Hansard & Markéta Irglová [d]
‘Gimme More’ – Britney Spears
‘God Put a Smile Upon Your Face’ – Mark Ronson
feat The Dapking Horns
‘Guaranteed’ – Eddie Vedder
‘Happy Warriors’ – Jill Cuniff
‘Headphone Song’ – Junior Senior
‘Hell of A Party’ – Air feat Jarvis Cocker [d]
‘Herculean’ – TGTBTQ [d]
‘Hold On’ – KT Tunstall
‘Kingdom of Doom’ – TGTBTQ [d]
‘Lies’ – Glen Hansard & Markéta Irglová
‘Mer du Japon’ – Air
‘Nature Springs’ – TGTBTQ
‘North American Scum’ – LCD Soundsystem
‘Pop Goes My Heart’ – Pop [d]
‘Prickly Thorn, But Sweetly Worn’ – The White Stripes [d]
‘Saturate’ – The Chem Bros
‘Somewhere Between Waking And Sleeping’ – Air feat Neil Hannon
‘Starz In Their Eyes’ – Just Jack [d]
‘Stop Bombin Roscommon’ – The Kemicks [d]
‘Stop Me’ – Mark Ronson feat Daniel Merriweather
‘Stronger’ – Kayne West
‘Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger’ – Daft Punk
‘The Songs We Sing’ – Charlotte Gainsbourg [d]
‘The Way I Are’ – Timbaland feat Keri Hilson & D.O.E.
‘Throw It On Me’ – Timbaland feat Hives
‘Tick Tick Boom’ – Hives
‘Umbrella’ – Rihanna
‘We Are The Night’ – The Chem Bros
‘You Know I’m No Good’ – Amy Winehouse
‘Young Folks’ – Peter Bjorn & John

looking for more [d]s?
we’re sure you interweb savy folks
can finger it out fo yoselfsz

don’t look back in hangers

i heard you say
’06
’05
’04
’03

Charlie Wilson’ War
Making An Afghanistand
Trailers & Mo

The tale of how former House Rep Charlie Wilson (Tom Hanks back in fun mode), Texas socialite Joanne Herring (the always annoying Julia Roberts) and CIA Agent Gust Avrakotos (P.S. Hoffman who is the very definition of a best supporting actor) orchestrated the ‘largest covert operation in history’ during the Soviet war in Afghanistan is so beyond extraordinary that one could easily believe the whole thing was drummed up by Dustin Hoffman’s uber-producer character from Wag The Dog. And by the way the movie based on that very true story zips right along, with typical Aaron Sorkin talky flair and cruise-control direction by Mike Nichols, one could still buy into the notion that it’s all fictional. Fo reals or fo reels, it don’t matter, cause Charlie Wilson’s War works well enuff as an entertaining political flick that doesn’t hit you over the head with its message. The same can’t be said of a bunch of other flicks released this fall that all fizzled at the box office. Who knew that the Cold War could be such a hot genre? Here’s hoping the next war that gets the cinematic greenlight is the Cola one!

Cowpoking This Cowgirl: War is loaded with hotties, including Charlie’s 4 angelsz, but how bout that belly-dancer, eh? Well that jazzlin lil girl is nun other than Dallas Cowboy coach Wade Phillips’s own lil girl Tracy, whom we told u bout during our NFC pee view back in Zeptember

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

The Savages
Old Age Moan
Trailers & Mo

Sorry folks, this isn’t the long awaited biopic about brothers Ben and Fred that you’ve been anxiously waitin all dem wondrous years for. What it is is a sweet and dreary lil story about a brother and sister (independent film’s reigning king and queen, PSH again, and Laura Linney) forced back into the life of their neglectful father (Philip Bosco, handing in some Oscar-worthy work) after he smears poo on a wall and has nowhere to call home. They have to find him a home and shuttling their dementia-ridden patriarch between hospitals and nursing homes is the name of the game for this dramedy. The laffs here are well needed to balance the sad parts, although the film coulda been more memorable had dem parts been a wee weepier. The Savages is writer/director Tamara Jenkins’s follow-up to her delicious Slums of Beverly Hills… a movie released almost a decade ago. Lettuce hope she doesn’t take another Terrence Malick-like sabbatical before making her next delightful triffle

Savage Beasts: speaking of Ben and Fred, the two have appeared together three times, once on each other’s hit shows disrespectively and on the big screen in the shit movie Little Monsters

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

The Orphanage (El Orfanato)
Some Children Left Behind
Trailers & Mo

If you’ve seen The Others then you really have no reason to see The Orphanage. Everything’s purty darn similar, from the film’s titles, to the big olde creaky house, to the worrisome mother looking after her odd child, and even down to the solid production values. The only big differences are the spoken language and the nagging fact, besides a few doors slammed, that The Orphanage isn’t that scary. Don’t know what it’s trying to be, but if it’s aiming for something else, it aint working, juss jerking. Shame too, cause that kid with the fubared potato sack mask had the potential to be the biggest and baddest boogeyman since Leatherface sliced it up in The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. This film was presented by Guillermo del Toro. Maybe it shoulda been directed by him too

A Mother From Another Others?: oddly enuff, Belén Rueda, who plays the worrisome mother, co-starred in Others director Alejandro Amenábar’s Mar Adentro (The Sea Inside), aka our #1 flick of 2004

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

The Orphanage opens tomorrow in limited theaters

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…