in honor of the bestness/wurstness of the unseen Lorenzo Lamas/Deborah Gibson starring Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus joint (from the ‘movie’ ‘studio’ that brought you Sunday School Musical, Transmorphers and The Day The Earth Stopped)…

Tiffany vs Debbie Gibson

[NSFW]

and speaking of unseen bestness/wurstness from another reputable ‘movie’ ‘studio’, may we (re)introduce you to…

Mr T
AND
Corbin Bernsen

in
Cloud Ten‘s

JUDGMENT!!!!!
(watch the trailer or else!)

Rudo y Cursi
Can They Kick It? Yes They Can
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Gael García Bernal & Diego Luna reunite on the big screen (spanks gawd, but what took so long?), directed once again by a Cuarón (this time it’s Alfonso‘s brother Carlos calling the shots), but don’t be eggspecting no Y Tu Mamá También II, so keep yer pants on ladies (and sum of you guys too!). Our moist be-amored Mexican amigos embark on yet another misadventure of maturation, but instead of picturesque beachy road trips involving sexploration of older women, as well as each other, they’re looking to score big in a whole different way – on the pitch (that’s a soccer field for you golfers out there) of the urban landscape nightmare that is Mexico City. Luna is the hot-tempered Rudo (Spanish for ‘rude’), the older, more grounded brother to Bernal’s wild Cursi (sorta Spanish for ‘corny’). They’re mother loving (not in that way you sick f%ck) country bumpkins who pick bananas all week, and play fútbol at the week’s end. One day a crafty talent scout (Guillermo Francella, with ojos of the devil) happens upon one of their games. He’s impressed by their skills, Rudo’s goalkeeping and Cursi’s goalmaking, but only has room to offer one of them a chance at the big time. Eventually the scout, and now their manager, gets them both placed with different teams and we’re off to the races. Along the way, we see them both falling into traps of temptation, no thanks to their new found fame and fortune, Cursi falls for a flighty muy bonita TV star (see below) and attempts to launch an ill-advised side career as a country singer, while Rudo’s gambling addiction gets way outta hand, and it all comes to a head(er) with an obvious match-up between the two brothers’ squads. Rudo y Cursi may feel like a bit of a letdown when compared to the other Berna-Luna Y flick, but standing on its own two feet, it’s a muy divertido eggscuse to watch the genial leads do there thing together again. Hell, we’d watch the two of them do anything for 100 minutes, although we, like mos people probably would, prefer that they were doing each. ¡Olé! ¡Cause we are so gay for them!

No Yes Mas: as in Jessica Mas

mas Mas

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Adoration
Where The Lies Truth
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Oh the tangled webs writer/director Atom Egoyan weaves, where past tragedies are dug up, so that the truth can finally be told, and maybe all parties involved can sorta mostly live happily sweet hereafter! Egoyan has taken us down this bumpy flashback path before, and with Adoration, the path is even more askew than everrrr. The unresolved issue we’re trying to resolve here revolves around the car accidental deaths of young Simon(somber Devon Bostick)’s parents (blank Rachel Blanchard, of FOTC/Sally fame & Mr Hyde and seeker Noam Jenkins). His grandfather (the always creepy Kenneth Welsh) paints a poor portrait of Simon’s father (and his son-in-law) and holds him responsible for the death of his beloved daughter, while his uncle and now guardian (gruffle puff Scott Speedman, shining much brighter than the rest of the cast), sheds different light on the event, leaving Simon not knowing what to believe. Simon’s thoughts are further complicated when his French teacher (prodding Arsinée Khanjian) stirs up other emotions, and much trouble, when a hot button writing assignment goes viral over the interwebs. The teacher presented the class with a story torn from the headlines about a terrorist sending his pregnant wife on a plane with a bomb. Simon imagines himself as the unborn baby, and the husband/wife as his own parents. His piece is taken as truth and the world wide web reacts with mixed (media) emotions (including Maury Chaykin yelling… is he ever not yelling?). As the discussion heats up online, Simon goes offline to to bring this baby to some sorta resolution, and gain some sorta peace in the process. It’s all one giant dr mindbender, but if you stick with it, you’ll be rewarded with another wondrous trip into Egoyan’s twisted, in many senses if the word, world

Pails In Comparison: Atom is the bomb, and so is the mos flamous Garbage Pail Kid mt EVERest. mo GPK shiz here

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Rudo y Adoration open today in NY/LA only

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Pinder to star in Wolverine spin-off called Xs & Hos

official news that took our breath away:
both of Top Gun’s lead actors are gay!

Bonnie Wright’s 18th Bday pics make it legal for us to love her, or so our lawyers tell us

Disney, the forefathers of recycling [Dr Falada]

New York City : 1961 vs. 2009

Conchords the video game. still waiting for the flamethrower

fake Malin Akerman by the poolside [NSFW]

Mel Kiper, Todd McShay trade hair in draft day shocker

Mike Tyson vs Little Mac, round 2

pharoahe monch + ben lyons, nyc, 2002

Playboy brunettes, thru the yearsz [NSFW]

Kill The Old Man From The Legend of Zelda

an oldie but still a moldie goodie: The Shining trailer recut

and then

ZARDOZZZZZZZZZZ!

and

these NHL playas/entertainers switched @ birth thingies are off the meat hook and rack, especially this Andrei Markov/Rowan Atkinson one

all dough this one featuring a picture of Sean Bean looking like a lion is purty notch top!

Star Trek
Spock & Awe
(sorry, but had to steal that one)
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Move over Arnel Pineda cause wunderkind J.J. Abrams has assembled the single greatestist tribute act known to man (+ other bonus cast and crew members) with his spankin brand new Star Trek, which has gots to be the coolest, hippestest, funnestistest Star Trek adventure of balls thyme. Not that we’re sexperts in all things Trek, since we’ve only seen (and truly madly deeply loved) the IVth movie with the whales, a handful of Next Gen eps and that Kaaaaaaahn!!! clip that’s all up and down YTMND, but we knows and loves solid entertainments when we see it, juss like knowing and loving a solid bowel movement when we shat it. Obviously there wouldn’t be a dazzlin nouveau Star Trek w/o the original gangster version, so Abrams and Co have gone to great lengths to preserve that what is holy, as well as boldly going above and beyond where they went before. They say you can never go home again, and for George Lucas and Steven Spielberg (but mostly Lucas) they maybe should have never gone home again. Abrams, however, doesn’t have the last name Roddenberry, so thankfully he didn’t have to carry that torch, and was allowed to light his own. Gawd bless you Paramount Pictures!

This Star Trek takes us back to the beginning, when Kirk was born, Spock was mocked, Winona Ryder was his human MILF and the Enterprise was juss startin to be enterprising with the help of the always helpful Bruce Greenwood. Large shoes had to be filled all around, and the new crew comfortably walk many a star logs in the old ones’ kicks: Chris Pine is moist fine as Capt JT Kirk; Zachary Quinto lives long and prospers as Leonard Nimoy‘s Spock, but as an angrier version (bonus points for casting Nimoyish doppelganger Ben Cross as his papa), Zoe Saldana makes hearts and pants melt as Uhura (see below); John Cho doesn’t chew up scenery, as he shouldn’t, as Sulu; Englishmen Simon Pegg peggs the Scottish accent and humor as Scotty; Anton Yelchin (blows in general) bures as Pavel… Chekov; and lastly, but bestly, Rohan Rider Karl Urban is the real effin McCoy as Dr Bones dammit! The plot is a lil paper thin (and maybe a tad too hazy, with all the confusing time traveling shiz, and the Hoth scene with the Starship Troopers alien beast), but since this is more of a re-introduction piece, and one that works so well, it’s hard to get upset about anything, including, but not limited to Eric Bana‘s baddie character’s limited screen time. We think he hates Spock or something and wants revenge like the horse I Want Revenge, although he scratched in the Derby, so he didn’t get revenge on any horse, but Bana does, but not on horses and not nearly as good as the revenge he gots when he fake played a Jew in Munich and totally kicked terrorist a$$ in the name of the Lord. Anywho, this new Trek totally nails it for diehards and livesofts alike, and will have us all thirsting for more in the years to come. So set yer phasers to fun and beam thyne self to a theater!

Outta This World: is there anyone named Zoe that isn’t hot?

+ her green Orion Star Fleet Academy roomie
who turned out not to be Diora Baird, but
Rachel Nichols (no, not the ESPN one)

who will mix bidness with leather
as Scarlett in this summer’s GI Joe

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Star Trek opens tomorrow (yes, on a Thursday)
at a theater near Jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

remember that über fine like box wine chick who helped Eddie Murphy make The Golden Child even more golden than eating Golden Grahams On Golden Pond? she was also the star of several other movies that we’re more awful than poop flavored falafels, but at least a lot were NSFW, the mos flamous being the that NSFW vampire flick where she feelz up Alyssa Milano’s bags o’ fun

well guess what, she has a name, Charlotte Lewis (no, not that fugly nose bleeding carrot crotch from Lost), and reports across the interwebs claim that she has banged Roman Polasnki, Mickey Rourke, Mikhail Baryshnikov, Eric Clapton and Charlie Sheen. besides our wet dreams, she hasn’t had a credited role since 2003, in something called Hey DJ, which has a poster that’s so poop flavored falafeltastic that it would instantly send anyone into permanent retirement. where hath you gones Charlotte sometimes? are you hanging out at some 80s hotties recluse bungalow in Argentina, with Ami Dolenz, Deborah Foreman, Lucy Deakins and Floyd’s dirty woman? if so, could you let us know where it is so we can teleport there AwarrenSAPP and be your slave and you can be our thigh… MASTER (and commander)!!

hear lies her 1993 nova spread from Playboy

[H-Rag Forum]