Juliets of the Dispirited

Nine
La Merda Vita/Pellicola
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Guido! Guido! Guido! Imagine hearing that name repeated over and over and over, red rover, and then some and some then, in mostly faux’talian accents that are about as Italian as Aunt Jemima, and you’ll begin to have the smallest inkling of how annoying Rob Marshall‘s screen treatment of the hit ’82 Broadway show Nine is possibly be. Actually you have NO idea and won’t unless you see this unbearable mess, but peas be warningsed, you shouldn’t even bother lending your eyes and ears to this supposed valentine for Fellini (and specifically his 8^1/2), Italian cinema and fashion of the 60s that doesn’t seem to have a clue about Fellini, Italian cinema, fashion or the 1960s. It’s purty much the biggest waste of talent since Michael Jordan attempted a baseball career and we attempted to be a breakdancer. It’s also purty much one of the wurstest films of the year

How? Why? Who? What? When? Where? NOHOW! NOWHY! NOWHO! NOWHAT! NOWHEN! and NOWHERE!!!! Daniel Day-Lewis didn’t do himself any favors by taking on the role of Guido (he did do Javier Bardem a favor, sparing the Spaniard the embarrassment), a writer/director who has writer/director’s block and thus can’t get his next movie going (hmmmmmmm, a movie that can’t get going, sounds vaguely familiar) and so he sits on beds, lays on tables, lays on beds, sits in chairs, smokes ciggies, smokes more ciggies, and has wet dreams about women in his life and day wets about the dream women in his life. After each receives a shag or a thought, a wank, a spank or a wink, said lady in question gets to sing about Guido and that’s when the real fun doesn’t begin, it’s also when this borefest never endings. Each song and accompanying dance numba, all taking place on one george BLANDa sound stage, is about as inspired as the last fourteen Saw movies. Sorry Anthony Minghella, but this is no way for your life/career to end

So what about them womenseses, eh? WHATTTA CAST!! But grand casting doesn’t = grand results, esp when yer script was written with poo-poo on a pu-pu platter of toilet paper. Marion Cotillard as Guido’s wife aint half bad, demonstrating some better English skills than the hatchet job she did in Pubic Enemies, but we ended up being more frustrated with her and her hubby than she was with herself and her hubby. Penélope Cruz as his mistress be better at English than Cotillard (and maybe even us), but she was trying an Italian-English tone and so instead of taking two steps fwds, she took two back, and looked scary (and like Big Bird) when she was crying, but did pitch in the mos JO worthy sequence, straddling some pink incline thingie and rubbing ropes around her sick bod so she’s A-OK in our book and pants!! Nicole Kidman plays his starlet/muse, but by the time her part comes into play we were already fidgeting in our seats and wishing we were watching her in Moulin Rouge! instead. Judi Dench be his costume designer and is easily and difficulty the only commendable spoke in this flat wheel, but she’s basically juss redoing her Mrs Henderson Presents presenting. Sophia Loren plays G-dawg’s mum, but we think she was actually playing Jocelyn Wildenstein, blowing kisses and wearing giant crosseses on her chest. And oh yeah, Fergie’s in this as some whore from Guido’s childhood and we wish she got sum whore diseases and shriveled up and died (hactually, we wish we could hop into a time machine to her Kids Inc days and beat her lungs with a bat so she could never sing again and then heaven WOULD be a place on earth!)

And we’ve saved the wurstest of the wurstest for lastest: Goldie Hawn’s spawn, Kate Hudson. Her fashion editor character wasn’t even in the original show, but they added her and the GAWD AWFUL song she sings, ‘Italiano Salad Dressing’, into the mix juss so they can james garner a possible Academy Award nom for Original Song, and may well be on their way to doing so with a Golden Globe^® one in the bag. Speaking of bags, someone should shove this movie into one and bury it for good. If you make the mistake of being dragged to this ‘film’ about a ‘film’, you may want to bring your own bag and place it over your head

Nine Lives: according to Wiki, the three men who played Guido on the B-way run (Raul Julia, Bert Convy!!! & Sergio Franchi) all died young of cancer. lettuce hope the same fate doesn’t extend to dearest DDLewis, even if this movie is one giant cancer!! what a shame, esp for a man who acts so little

Verdictgo: Slit Yer Eyes AND Ears Off Repoopulous

Nine opens in NY/LA/FL?? only this Friday and elsewhere on Christmas

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…