The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
Almost A Better Prequel Than S’Wars: Eps II & III

If yer cinematic wet dream consisted of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman torturing Oliver from season 1 of The OC, while the asscrack of Jordana Brewster [Buttlooker] GI Joe crawled to and fro, then you my fiend will be write at home with this not so sorry eggscuse for the 6th installment of the Texas Chainsaw franchise (7th, if you somehow include Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers as part of the collection, considering it did star OG Leatherface, Gunnar Hansen). While not all together that scary, like say, Jesus Camp [TWS review], TTCM:TB sure is a helluva lot mo entertaining than that blah-ful remake from the ’03 [TWS review]. Seems like the producers learned one very important thang from that failed go around: peoples loves them some evil R. Lee Ermey (the aforementioned Hartman from Full Metal Jacket, for those not in the nose), and this dose is chock full of him, as Leatherface’s surrogate father. And since this is an ‘origin’ story we are ‘treated’ to the bovious revelations:
-Leatherface’s odd birth, check
-learning to cleave meat, check
-takes first victim, check
-town shuts down leaving only the crazies behind, check
-recieves his Fisher Price My Very First Chainsaw, check
-takes the face of another which lends him his nickname and leads to the bestest John Travolta/Nic Cage poopfest mt everest, check
-John Larroquette voice over, check!

Well, that about covers it kids. In 5 simple werds: it aint all that bad. And if it was, you would mos certainly hear about it from yers drooly. OK, so it coulda used 84 non-stop minutes of nudity, but I was satisfied enuff lookin at a clothed Diora Baird when I knew dang well that the interwebs was full of her frontalness. WOAH!!

[click and watch the pic and yer penis grow bigger!!]

Unsatisfied with this?: NETFLIX THE DANG ORIGINAL WHICH IS THE SCARIEST MOVIE EVER PUT ON CELLUOID HANDS and THIGHS DOWN, and if yous already seen it, see it again!!!

Possible Porno Name: The Texas Instrument Up Yer Ass Occurred: The Bleeding

Apt MPupil3: The Cannibal Song by Jiminy Cricket & Rica Moore [d visa Paul’s Rams]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): cunts bee leave it, but Jeepers Kevin DuckWorth A Peepers

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