Fievel Goes Wurst

The Proposition
Won’t Get Any Props From Me!

Although westerns usually give me soft-ons, I was ready to get hard after seeing Guy Pearce, John Hurt, Emily Watson, Faramir, and ‘written by Nick Cave’ (yes, that Nick Cave) in the opening credits, which was followed by a flurry of gunfire in scene one. Too bad my semi-lob on was short-lived, as the film sank very quickly into Snoozeville (which, if you didn’t know, is sister cities with Diarrheaburg). Westerns are bloody, dirty, and slow, and this one that takes place in the about to be Commonwealth of Australia at the turn of 2 centuries ago, is all three. However, since a majority of the blood is shed off-screen, sans a man’s head getting blown off, we’re left with nuttin but dirt and slow. If I wanted to see that, I’d masturbate with WD-40 in front of a mirror (actually, if there’s a demand for it, I’ll start selling HD-DVDs!). The premise was kinda decent, outlaw Guy Pearce is mcnabbed by a lawman who PROPOSES that if he finds and kills his even bigger outlaw brother he’d pardon him, but as soon as the always gaunt Guy finds his brother, nothing really happens. And happens is what people want in movie, not nothing. And for some fargticular reason, leads Danny Huston (that jerk in Birth) and Ray Winstone can never convince me that they’re acting. They both seem outta place in any movie they’re in. It’s not that they can’t act, juss they can’t act like the great Faramir, who kinda hams it up here, like the Duke from Moulin Rouge (a muss click). The mos interesting parts of the whole film involved the roles the aboriginal peoples played alongside their white colonizers, but it’s really not something that’s explored. Had they, it would have been a far better movie, not juss another Worst Western.

Recommended for those who like: literally 4 seconds of Noah Taylor screen time, the British Michael Pitt/Patrick Fugit, and western flagellation (not to be confused with western flatulation)

Possible Porno Name: The Proposal Position [kinda NSFW?]

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Crocodile Dundee II [RealMedia, wit Luis Guzmán?]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Lazy Flies’ by Beck [d]

IMDb Sweeney: Top AND Bottom Rated ‘Western’ Titles

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): It’s more of a one star film than a zero, but my ratings basically are out of four, and since zero and one basically share a category, and I really needed one movie this year to loathe… Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Shiz opens this Friday in NY, and hopefully not other places soon after

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