Thighs Wide Shut

– White Stripes to split? According to Jackie’s nephew/WS roadie/historian, Ben Blackwell, the duo wants to end on a high note and so Jack can roll like Han, solo. Sayeth it aint so!! Well, for Meg’s sake, I hope her ‘acting’ career takes off. Her latest role is portraying Little Red Riding Hood in The Detroit Cobras new video for their single “Cha Cha Twist”. View it in High or Low bandwidth here [via WhiteStripes.net].

– Kevin and Wayne Arnold are reuniting. Now don’t get yer panties all in a bunch Paul Pfeiffer/Josh Saviano, cause yer not invited to this sha-bang. Screen brothers, Fred Savage and Jason Hervey, will be paired once again, but this time to voice the characters of Hawk & Dove for Cartoon Network’s Justice League Unlimited. I’m so eggcited for J Hervs that I’m jizzum jazzing all over myself. The dude had so much promise. Remember when he played a young Thorton Melon in Back To School, or the bratty acting kid with Pee-Wee’s bike in his Big Adventure, or when he bullied the kids in The Monster Squad? To hell with Michael J Fox, the 80’s belonged to J Hervs. [scoop via Pak-Man]

– Le Tigre juss announced a fall tour of North America. They hit Irving Plaza on October 31 & November 1st. Their shows are like their music, umcredible, loud, and outta control. Not to be missed peeps.

– MTV has truly jumped the shark with their Lizzie Grubman reality series called PoweR Girls. Look for it, or for that matter, don’t look for it, in 2005.

– It’s no Brady Bunch teeter-totter record, but two Michigan teenagers claim they broke the world record for uninterrupted TV viewing at 52 straight hours, inside an IHOP of all places. I wonder what the record for non-stop blogging is?

– Everyone loves to watch people get hurt. Peep Glenn Danzig get punched-the-fudge out and these biznitches beat the livin daylights out of each other like Timothy Dalton. For more info on these links, czech out my gal CityRagDoll’s stizzle.

– Borat’s “In My Country There Is Problem (aka Throw The Jew Down The Well)” song has really ruffled the feathers of the Anti-Defamation League (ADL). Do they have any clue that the man behind the mustache is none other than Sacha Baron Cohen, a Jew who’s just trying to expose anti-semitism in America, not exploit it? I not only say boo-urns to that, but Jew-urns too! By the way, a true meeting of minds occurs this Sunday when my hero, Ali G, interviews my idol, Andy Rooney!! It doesn’t get much better than this!!!

– Peace the elmer fudge out to Oscar-pimping composer Elmer Bernstein. I’ll be reading the Ten Commandments in yer honor.

– Czech out the video for The Thrills new ditty “Whatever Happened To Corey Haim?”, which happens to be the breastest title since “Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego?” And I’m sure this song will pop up on The O.C. sometime this season.

– Still bored? Why not play Frogger, Donkey Kong, Duck Hunt, Pong, Simon, and much more right on yer computer! [via Shake Yer Wanamaker’s Special Lady Friend]

– In a GQ interview, John Kerry admits that he beats off to Charlize Theron, Catherine Zeta-Tomato-Jones-Douglas, and Wayne Gretzky… in not so many words.

– What’s more awfulester than Leonard Part 6? DownSyndromeDolls.com. Click if you dare you evil bastages!!! [via My Man Marvkus]

– And in con-clue-shun… First there was Ill Mitch, who wasn’t really that ill to begin with. And now comes Super Greg, who isn’t really all that super… unless you count his Bertesque uni-brow. I’d like to see a cage match between the two and the winner gets both adjectives in their name. So the champ would be either Super Ill Mitch or Ill Super Greg. [via Guns n Rosenthal]

Wham!

– It’s official, The Sopranos are back from the dead. Or more like back with the dead. Finally, something actually happened on the show and I’m not talking about some fat dude getting head in a parking lot. I kept pleading for more whackings per episode, but my confidant Dicky Greenleaf/Mr. Pibbums told me that’s not what the show is about. Me was like, me don’t care, more whackings!! They’re in the mob. Mob = whackings, end of f-in story. Well, the writers stashed away their Annette Bening/horse fetishes and got back to the whacking!! And as eggspected, the family whacked-a-mole, who’s name be Adrianna. Don’t worry folks, she’s going to be reincarnated as Joey’s sister on the Friends spin-off. With this and last week’s whacking of Sherry Palmer on 24 I haven’t seen something this shocking, this lurid on television, since the series premiere of The Mullets on UPN. With one episode left, all hell is about to break loose like a girl turning 16. Too bad season numero seis doesn’t air until 2006!! By then Lindsay Lohan will be turning 20, the major awards will be handed out the World Beard and Moustache Championships in Berlin, and Greece still won’t be ready for the 2004 Summer Games.

– The word vulva.

– The Streets’ new album, A Grand Don’t Come for Free, is mos def worth picking up. Normally you’d think that 50 minutes of a guy just talking about fish and chips and getting ripped wouldn’t be all that amusing, but some how Mike Skinner pulls it off. What was known as “spoken word” has now become “blogging over phat beats”.

– Ponch still cares about highway safety! And what have you done for me lately Larry Wilcox?

– For 16 days in February ’05, Reichstag wrapper, and MC, Christo and his bizatch, Jeanne-Claude, will be bringing their long gestating dream art project to Central Park. 7,500 Gates, 16 feet high each, will be built and follow the edges of 23 miles of footpaths. If yer Wes Craven for mo information about this massive undertaking, I’d suggest you head on over to the best art museum this side of the globe, The Met.

– This guy also enjoys hot chicks, but he happens to have more time on his hands then me.

– Props to Marty Score and his The Last Temptation of (the) Christ. It wasn’t as well directed as Mel Gibson’s overblown snuff film, but he did let Jesus rock out with his coccyx out and bang a hooker… no seriously, and he even had children and broke-danced for shekels! Le only down side to the movie was what me and Wannamaker dubbed, one of the worst casting decisions ever: Harvey Keitel as Judas.

– I’m an Airhead and you will be one too after checking out the French duo’s KCRW session on LA. F-in mint.

– Napoleon Dynamite is the breast comedy I have seen since The Big Lebowski and Rushmore. It is that good. I took in my second free screening on Sunday and I intend to attend a 3rd.

For those of you non-believers, I urge you to go. I’m going to urge overkill you so much that I’m even offering up 5 free passes (that’ll admit two each) to a NY screening on Thursday, June 10th. Be one of the first 5 to email me and the passes are yers. And if you don’t like it, the Thigh Master will give you yer money back… And remember, a vote for Pedro is a vote for your wildest dreams!

– Waste yer time with this suckers.

– First there was You’re The Man Now Dog, now there’s this Milton Waddamsism. [Link via Shady Harry’s Son]

Bam!

– Wanna buy a used Arnold Schwarzenegger cough drop? Too late. Now get yer ass to Mars.

– Puff Daddy cares. No, he really does. My girl the Garvester weighs in on his politcal ambitions.

– Have you seen the new GI Joe Spy Troops cartoon movie yet? Don’t. Unless of course you don’t want to save whatever’s left of your precious childhood memories that George Lucas and his new Star Warses haven’t already urinated on. It looks like 3rd-rate Pixar animation meets The Lawnmower Man‘s long outdated virtual reality.

– For some odd reason, I was drawn back into The Whitney to get one last bad look at their forgettable Biennial. No change in opinion. Modern art can lick my chode. Note to Whitney: drop the pretentious crap and photos of guys’ shlongs and buy some more Edward Hoppers! Hop to it.

– I saw all of about 12 minutes of something with a Philip Glass score called Naqoyqatsi. I felt like I was walking through The Whitney again. My eyes can only take so much Clockwork Orange style torture. I was cured alright.

– So if there’s a 3-D church online, when’s the first synagogue being posted? I always need an eggcuse to eat virtual pigs in a blanket and rock out to “We Are Family” by Sister Sledge or “Celebration” by Kool And The Gang.

Thank You Cannes!

– The French gave us the Statue of Liberty and a kind of toast. They also handed out the prestigious Palme d’Or (aka, the top prize) of the Cannes Film Festival to Michael Moore for his revealing documentary about the Bushes, Fahrenheit 9/11. I wonder if he’ll have trouble finding a US distributor now. Czech out Ebert’s report of the festivities here.