Thighs Wide Shut

and the poster THEY didn’t want you to see for last nite’s hepisode

Kornheiser in ’08

South Carolina (and their Muslim flag) 4EVA: first Nancy O’Dell Day and now they’ve declared that it is not indecent exposure when breast-feeding in public!!

Pastrami Burger, yes please, I’ll take 14

And while the rest of yous are sucking the dong of the Steelers Super Nerd Sunday XL, I’m pulling for the city who’ve never won a Supers Bowls, let alone been to one Super Camilla Parker Bros Bowles. GO SEACOCKS!!! KA-KAAAAAH!!! I mean, if the Redskins can’t beat em, no one can.

And oh yeah

Thursday 9-10pm EST, the reason why dual tuner DVRs and TiVos were invented, hispecially for that key demographic of 23-33 aging hipsters who probably watch boths The Office, My Name Is, and The OCk!!! Will the hotness ever turn notness? Doubt it, herpecially with plenty of jail bait shop Skeet matz via Willa, and guest spots from the White Shadow as Michael Scott’s former boss, and the coach from The Wonder Years and dr from China Beach (same person) who did some dirty bidness with Sandy Cohen and his shitty LA Lender’s bagels.

In our ear en revue of Moovies ’05, I neglected to add the trailer for 2046 to the Trailers That Got Me Mo Jazzed Than Jazzercise list! Zhang, bang, thang you mang!

I had no websites up and going in 1999, had if I did, I woulda had ALL THREE spots for Eyes Wide Shut [one, two, three] on the Trailers That Got Me Mo Jazzed Than Jazzercise list of 1999, but the list woulda been called something else, and I didn’t have a list or internets site cause I was scared of the Y2K bug, although it shoulda been a Y2K and 1 bug, cause 2001 was the actual start of the new willennium, not 2000 you stoopid idjiots who probably didn’t think about things like that and were too busy trying to party like it was 1999, although 1998 was by far my mos flavorite year of balls time. I mean, Air dropped Moon Safari in late January of that year and change my French hating life for ever. Wee wee moinsir au bu pain in the neck!! And speaking of EWS and 1999 and not having a site of webs… had I had fore-sight and had a site-four then Stewart Thorndike probably would have been not only the 1st Her Royal Tryness, but also the first Non Us Hottie, which some claims with clams that it is a more bigger honor and gentle! Who is shes? She and some other girl in EWS were trying to bone Tom Cruise ‘where the rainbow ends‘ (watch clip 2 to hear her speak!), but he’s gay and a Dianetics couch stress tester so he couldn’t be bothered. Well, he missles out cause Thorbest is more cuterified/shag munch a carpet riffic than Coyle, Portman, Knightley, Moss, and Mulligan turbo-combine D! Too badski she’s been in nothing next to nothing and the google alert I set up in her good name ‘ears ago has netted more zero than NETZERO!! Anyone know anythimg about Stewart Thorndike, who isn’t a man, but may not even eggsist, besides being super hot? This is morest importanter than finding the whereabouts of Dole Fruit Pop, Dirty Ho, Fly Girl, and Deborah Foreman. Please contact us at 1-900-THI-GHS-Z and leave me your SSN, ISBN, and TURK182s. In the meantime, here’s the singlest largest photo image pictures collection of Stewart Thorndike on the webs. (and don’t even bother hovering yer cursor over each pic, I’m too sleepy to right slutty comments.)

First weekend without football in a wheel a while.
Best not to think about it.

Ever sean Cube²: Hypercube, TV’s Invasion, or A Nero Wolfe Mystery with Timothy Hutton or Maury Chaykin? Didn’t sphinx so. Well, lemme me be the first to introduce you to the flyest blonde Saskatchewanian with a mark super DUPER long nose who gets paid to play William Fichtner’s fish of a wife: Kari Matchett (pronounced CAR-EE MATT-CHET). She kinda oddish exotica lookin, not in a Mary Lynn Rajskub kinda way, but more in the vein of Miranda Hotto. Anywho, I hearts her a lots. I want to INVASION her underpants! And no doubt, Sio Bibble agrees!!

Super Bowl XL, the battle of towns with shitty drinks: Starbucks vs Iron City Beer

Luna-tics [via ONTD]

Which coupling will last les longest: Braff & Moore, Yeoman & Davis, or Rooney & complaining? Tip: never bet against bushy eyebrows

Band interviews jump the shark

Ratu, the new tATu? Or is it Maureen?

Nice try SNL, but Young Chuck Norris is like a lazy Lazy Sunday on Saturday… or any skit involving Horatio Sanz

My mos flavorite spin-off site with only one post pt I:
Skeet On Willa

My mos flavorite spin-off site with only one post pt II:
Riders of Lohan

Helen Slater Supergirl costume = 0 bids [via Honey Rider]

Couple buy the Quicker Picker-Upper Diner, also gots a free DVD copy of Rosie’s directorial film debut, Can’t Stop The Music [via Brawny Man]

Biggest, mos footiest animated gif(t) of balls thyme

If you aint never been to the midwest, then you probably have never saved big money at MeNards, or heard their banjofied theme song [d-lode]

The Curse of the Neckbeard…

YTMNDawg: The Brian Peppers Song

Memories of a Panthers fan, including ‘the game with Travis where everyone was informed that we have herpes together‘

and PenguinMan & His Funny Songs

Donn’ts forget to PHOTOSHOP me in History!! Send entries now, or die like someone in a grave!

Us 80s DC metro kids alls know that this is the greatestist commercial of balls thyme (sadly, not a link to the actual commercial), but did we, and the rest of you jerkfaces from st elsewhere, know that the spot above, where a methed out Fraiser is trying his damnedest to sell the world on Shaq-Fu: THE VIDEO GAME, is 2nd breastest of gaul’s lime? I consider the uploading of this ‘mercial my biggest contribution to the internets mt EVERest/olive!!

BONUS FU: the fu-iest fu-sic video for the ultimate in fu-llaboration: The Fu-Schnickens & Shaq-Fu gettin all ‘What’s Up Doc? (Can We Rock?)’ e-fu-ed!!

• Ice-T AND Body Count is both coming out wit NEW albums?!??!SE#@#@@2!!! [source matz] WH—AAaAT??!!t5t1!!yes!!! One is called Murder for Hire and the other is Gangsta Rap. If you can quess which deep title belongs to which artist and are the 3751223485th person to email me your answer, I’ll buy you one medium thin crust pizza from Domino’s! And if that’s not enuff grate news about meaningless old things that rock, New Edition is reuniting for the 15th time so Bell Biv and DeVoe can pat their rent, but THIS TIME with Bobby Brown on board, who also needs to pay his rent!! Wow, maybe they all should make a NEW EDITION of the Rent movie cause the one we got SUCKED. Get it, a NEW EDITION, cause they’re New Edition and I want them to make a NEW EDITION of the movie Rent cause thereir’s will be better than the one with all the stoopid white people who sing instead of earning a paycheck. STOP SINGING AND HAVING SNARKY ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES AND STOP SINGING!!!!

• I’d be down with a Pumpkins, ‘rillaz, Stripes second night of ‘chella

• Cause like Doggy Poo [trailer], sometimes dreams really DO come true: Free Marissa shirts (+ Falkor’s sister with Hitler’s fruit of choice)! [apparel american via Chillary G]

• So is having HFRT CC THE IV on The OC my next wet dream come true like Jude Law making out with Damon Albarn, with a soundtrack by Pasemaster Mase?

• Merry belated peace the fork out to President David Palmer. Hopefully you got some killer Allstate Life Insurance!!! And may the YMNTD.com be with you, ballways [via Mega Man/Van]

• Merry war the spoon in to Nixon Pt II: President Logan aka llon Tandro aka Dr. Dysek aka Captain Sopek!!!

• Ziyi Zhang totally wants to 2046nine it up with Slim Shadeball

• ClintonPortis.com’s collection of Clinton Portis Characters [via Mr I-495]

• IFC Films secured the US theatrical rights to a movie that maybe 4,876 people would want to see (including me, annie + 1, and 4,873 hipsters)

• The Fiddler should quit blogging and juss make eyelicious art things with album covers all ze time

• celebrity rebus – part 1

• Hottest Significant Other Tournament, Savory 16

• Little Urchins, for when you want yer baby to oh, well, whatever, nevermind.

• Can you peoples stop taking pictures of me in the park while I’m reading A Catcher In The Rye

• 25th Anniversary AllSportsMarket.com DeLorean Give-Away

• Many a FREE screenings to the next Pied Piper of Perabo adventure

• This one is for TK Stack Money: Who’s responsible for naming the planet Uranus?

• THE goal

• Coca-Cock-a? [SFW via Navi’s Unibrow Universe]

• Sorry I couldn’t be of service for the one earthling searching for “Nick Goings’ eyebrows”. To make it up to you, here’s an old link of an old man with old eyebrows doing what he does best: being old

• And

Top TENenbaums
But We Does
A Dirty Dozen
This Year

1) Munich
2) The Squid and The Whale
3) Crash
4) Everything Is Illuminated
5) Crónicas
6) Mysterious Skin
7) Enron: The Smartest Guys In The Room
8) Me and You and Everyone We Know
9) Brokeback Mountain
10) Dear Frankie
11) Match Point
12) The Island

Many A Honor Blackmanable Mentions: Downfall, North Country, Constant Gardner, Paradise Now, Ballad of Jack and Rose, Bee Season, Sin City, Junebug, Cinderella Man, Breakfast on Pluto, Pride & Prejudice, 2046, and My Summer of Love

Mooovies I Really Wanted To See But Never Did: Dark Water, Kingdom of Heaven, Lord of War, The Weather Man, The New World (it was out in 2005 for 2 seconds), and The Legend of Zorro (regardless of how bad they say it is)

2nd Annual
Thighs Wide
Movie Awards

They Coulda Been A Contender

Walk The Line
Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy
The Interpreter
The Brothers Grimm

Bestest Quote

Jack Twist: [referring to Ennis] I wish I knew how to quit you.

Wurstest Quote

Darth: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
[YTMND: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, & 7]

M Night Shamalamadingdong’s
BratWurstest Twist of The Year

[GIFt via XANA Claus]

The Woman Being Chased By The Killer
IS THE KILLER
in
Haute Tension
i guess i didnt review it,
oh well!

Guiltiest Pleasures Starring HRTnesses
That Made Me Pleasures Myself
Guiltily

Domino & House of Wax

World’s Mos Pointless Movie About Sewing That I Forced Myself To Watch Only Cause My Parents Paid For My Admission

Sequins

Funniest Movie of the Year

n/a

Better Luck Next Year!!

CGI That Binks Stinks
Wurser Than Jar Jar

General Grievous
& his über annoying nagging cough

Tatum O’Neal
Youngin Bestness Award

Flora Cross & Georgie Henley

Mos Thumbcredibly Beautiful
Yet Confusing Movie
About A Year Since
2001

2046

Replacer of Carrot Top
As Chief of Box Office Poison

Eugene Levy
as seen in
The Man
Cheaper The Dozen 2
& the straight to video American Pie: Band Camp

Bestest Impression of a
Wes Anderson Soundtrack
From A Movie
Produced By
Wes Anderson

‘Family Conference’ [d-lode]
by Dean Wareham & Britta Phillips

BratWurstest 20 Minutes
of A Speilbergo Movie Ever

Andy Dufresne
in War of The Worlds

Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

Romola Garai
Haguy Wigdor
& Skandar Keynes

Trailers That Got Me
Mo Jazzed Than Jazzercise

Narnia (teaser)
Sin City (trailer 1)
Domino
War of the Worlds
Ths Island

Songs From Trailers
That Make Me Want To Smoke
Bongs With Norman Mailer

‘Changes’ [d-lode]
by 2PAC
from Coach Carter trailer

‘The Wings’ [d-lode + remix]
by Gustavo Santaolalla
from Brokeback Mountain trailer

‘Jesus Walks’ [d-lode]
by Kanye West
from Jarhead teaser

‘Put A Spell On You’ [d-lode + more]
by Creedence
from The Ballad of Jack & Rose trailer

‘Nirvana’ [d-lode]
by El Bosco
from Millions trailer

‘God Moving Over The Face Of The Waters’ [d-lode]
by Moby
from Syriana trailer
& Heat, One Day In September, and the new Jack Bauer/Intel/Mac commerish

Hotness I Never Knew Eggsisted
But Spankfully Do Now

Camilla Belle
Carey Mulligan
& Nicole Vicius

The Gus van Sant
Most Pretentious/Wurstest Movie
That I Watched Wit Trent

A History of Violence

The Only Reason To See
Into The Blue

Alba’s Ass In Water

The Only Reason To See
The Fantastic Four

Alba’s Ass In Spandex

Not The Only Reason To See Sin City
But Should Be

Alba’s Ass In Leather
+ Lasso Goodness

Bestest Movies I Netflixed

Porniest Names
My Genius Brain Ponyed Up

On Your Knees Season
(Bee Season)
München Box
(Munich)
Scatman Crothers Begins To Jazz’s All Over Yer Momma’s Face
(Batman Begins)
My Elevated Shaft In Your Swallows
(Elevator To The Gallows)
A Hysterectomy of Violence
(A History of Violence)
BangRon (Jeremy): The Dirtiest Sluts In The Room
(Enron: The Smartest Guys In The Room)
George Teague Bangs Ordinary Gentleman
(League of Ordinary Gentlemen)
Mysterious Skin
(Mysterious Skin)
House of Wax Dat Ass
(House of Wax)
The Cockcicles of Hornyia: Laying The Bitch On The Whoredrobe
(DUH)
Grizzly Man Tits
(Grizzly Man)
2046nine
(2046)

The Death to Smoochy Award
for Worstest Picture of the Year

Be Cool
Stay
Hide and Seek
Boogeyman
The Amityville Horror
& The Aristocrats

Movies To Look For in 2006

5 Fast, 5 Furious
Swiss Miss, Gang Bang
Mmm-Bop: Hanson Warriors
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Wilburys
Howl, Harold, & Kumar Move Into White Castle

Me saw something close to 100 movies in the theater this year. How’d you do, losers? Or were you too busy listening to that Sufjan Stevens album to go see anything? Fine, be that way. But don’t fergot the ’04, the ’03, and the ’02, or Papa and Mumsy Master’s picks for the ’05! They have grrrrrrrrrrreat taste… snatchurally/boviously, they is my parents

Movies Mumsy Ejoyed
1) Brokeback Mountain
2) Mysterious Skin
3) Crash
4) Capote
5) Breakfast On Pluto
6) The Squid and The Whale
7) 5 way tie* Paradise Now, Off The Map, The Edukators, King Kong, Ladies In Lavender

*She could not separate cause she thought all these movies are on the same level

Mumsy’s Worst Movies
Bewitched
Land of the Dead
The Brothers Grimm
Fun With Dick and Jane
“Sorry Jim–Why did you pick this film to star in?”
– Mumsy Master

Mumsy’s Most Disappointing
Charlie And the Chocolate Factory
“Sorry Johnny Depp–You didn’t play this character well.”
– Mumsy Master

Papa’s Frtias
1) Touch the Sound
2) Murderball
3) Dear Frankie
4) Breakfast on Pluto
5) Paradise Now
6) Mysterious Skin
7) Hustle & Flow
8) Memory of a Killer
9) 3-Iron
10) Sin City
11) Go for Zucker

Papa’s Props
Best Actor: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote
Best Soundtrack: The Squid and The Whale
Most Disappointing (not the worst): Duce Bigillow
Does Europe [sic]
Best Holocost Film: Ninth Day
Most Twists: Dot the I

Hope you enjoyed that folks. As we say goo-bye, I’d like to send out some boos to the Golden Globes, the NFL Playoffs, and anyone who puts Wedding Crashers or The 40-Year Old Virgin on their Top Ten lists.