Thighs Wide Shut

The Empty Rooms of Twin Peaks

bestest part of Twin Peaks? it will never ever stop being awesome

Mentho-Lyptus®!!!!!

or is he not?

Skins Season Three, Episode 7: JJ [trailer]

what an incredible f%cking episode!! we’ve seen all of Season Three and this juss may be our mos flavorite of the lot. yes, even more so than the one revolving around the Fitch Twins, which will be reviewed in the cuming weeks. JJ (or ‘Gay J’ as he’s affectionately called by friends and enemies alike) is a total dweeb and a half and 3/4s (he’s like Jesse Eisenberg but even less sexy and more annoying than Eisbenberg’s Pepsi sister Hallie Kate), but after sitting on the sidelines for several eps, letting Cook, Freddie and Effy toy with his emotions and take advantage of his kindness, he’s mad as hell and he aint gonna takes its no mo!! there’s too much goody good gumdropedness abound to spill the beans on any of it, and if you don’t even know who JJ is in the first place then you bestest get yer priorities straight and starting watching Skins from the beginning. seriously folk musicians, this is a show not to be missed. we means, besides maybe The Office or Twin Peaks, have you ever seen us so heels over head for a TV show? and do you think we’d lead you astray or ashtray?

anywho, without further ado about Bob McAdoo…

This Week In Fitch/Prescott Twins Action Jackson Award

so who be the one?

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥Emily/Kathryn♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

or

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥Katie/Megan♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

this week’s action was harder to call than calling Arsenio Hall collect when he’s sleeping on a couch in the middle of a street!!! Emily was the opening line’s early favorite, esp after last week’s carpetmunching/bagging, but did you see that shot above of Katie riding a certain someone???

m’yes, that was lovely bones and all, and it did score her some bonus boner points, but we have to give the edge to skinner and bones Ems

so Ms Emily Fitch, how does that make you feel?

(buy this animated gif on a shirt! or a skateboard! if only! techmology aint there yet for animated gif clothing, but hopefully one day it willss!!!)

er, um, OK E-gal. then why don’t you tell us if you want to have sex with girls or not…

Emily: I want to have sex with girls.

JJ: Right.

Emily: Yeah. I like girls. I like sex with girls. I like their rosy lips, their hard nipples, bums, soft thighs. I like tits and fanny, you know? There. I’ve said it.

wooooooooooooooah! you had us at ‘I‘

and Gay J had you at boob grab!!
which was followed by

a boob flash!!!!! with no actual onscreen boobs :(

which was followed later in the ep
with more Emily boob grabs!!!!

O MY SWEET LORD and CHILD O’ MINE!!

not so simple goal in life: visit the shooting locations of A Clockwork Orange

in pardickular and moist importantly, where the bum got a blurp blurp beat down from Alex and his droogies

which is located at the Wandsworth Bridge Roundabout, Wandsworth, London

and even butter than the real thing and morererer importanter than anything (even the Redskins and our parents), where Alex shows Dim & Georgie who’s the effin boss man (eat it Springsteen!) with some ball busting action at the Flat Block Marina

which is located at the Southmere Lake in Thamesmead South
which was also used in the ’96 flick Beautiful Things
& the ’73 Peter Sellers flick The Optimists
& the Kaiser Chief’s video for ‘Never Miss A Beat’

MISSION BEYOND ACCOMPLISHED & THUNDERDOME!!!
(with a huge thanx and spanx to our mate Paul who we forced to drive us all over the place. bless his thighs and his soul)

so where do we go from here (besides telling you about the yumcrdible Blur show and sharing the rest of our England pics?)? what’s the next dream to make a reality? easy, and no ponds have to be crossed for this one: Twin Peaks hot spots. Diane, warm up the coffee and cut me a slice of apple pie, cause this will happen like a man in a smiling bag!!!

The Hurt Locker
Shiz Is The Bomb, Yo!
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

And so the story begins… a few years ago, in a vacant Baghdad street, three US Army Explosive Ordnance Disposal specialists (Anthony Mackie, Brian Geraghty and Guy Pearce) and their faulty robot assistant are attempting to diffuse a bomb waiting to go boom, while local residents, who may or may not be the bomb placers, look on in the distance. Don’t want to ruin anything, but lettuce juss say that one of the soldiers aint gonna be around for the long haul, and it’s the one with the highest star wattage (a quick exit happens to another star later in the movie, which is such a great trick on the audience, ala Janet Leigh’s unexpected early demise in Psycho). Right off the bat the intensity level is cranked up to 11, and besides a few scenes of R&R, the intensity never dips below 10 (you’ll need a cigarette post-screening to calm yerself down, even if you don’t smoke)

So after Guy Pearce is blown to smithereens in the opening scene (oh crap, we did ruin it for ya), a new unruly cowboy bomb squad leader is brought in, and played in a beyond star-making turn by Jeremy Renner (you may have seen him be an asshole before in North Country or Take, or in the stuff listed in ‘Mad Man’ below). His subordinates, Mackey and Geraghty (both eggsalad in their own right), don’t take too kindly to his unconventional gung ho ways, especially since it could also get them all blown to smithereens (but not while listening to The Smithereens’ ‘A Girl Like You’). To them, it’s a tough job that someone’s gotta do, but for Renner, it’s something much more- an addiction that he continuously needs to feed. Hurts so good!!

Director Kathryn Bigelow (Point Break) and writer Mark Boal (penner of the underseen In the Valley of Elah)’s Hurt Locker is without question the definitive Iraq War-related movie of our time. Surely took long enuff, after all the flubs and duds that came before it (, Rendition, Redacted, anything else Re-poopulous). Hell, we’ll even go out on an artificial limb and say that it’s the bestest war movie we’ve seen since Full Metal Jacket (sorry Ryan, yer Shaving Privates production was technically awesome, but it was all a lil too cutesy for our tastes). So if you have the choice this weekend, do yerself a flavor and choose Hurt Locker over that other explosions in the desert clusterfudge

Mad Man: Renner has appeared in several commercials over the years, including ones for Bud Light, Coors Light, 7-11 and Duracell. he also pops up in Pink’s video for ‘Trouble’

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Surveillance
Several Things Wicked This Way Comes
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

And so the story begins… darkness, murder, blood splattered everywhere, and a ravaged girl appears out of nowhere looking for help. No, this isn’t Ronette Polaski’s grand entrance that set the disturbing tone for David Lynch’s Twin Peaks, but the opening move of the serial killers that run rampant in his daughter Jennifer Chambers Lynch‘s wickedly delicious (maybe not so) long awaited follow-up to her notorious Boxing Helena. Surveillance is a Rashômonesque whodunit, with several disheveled characters recounting their version of the same grizzly story of what eggzactly happened on a desolate stretch of road earlier in the day (including solid supporting work from lil Ryan Simpkins, Pell James, Mac Miller and “http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0652783/” onclick=”(new Image()).src=’/rg/castlist/position-16/images/b.gif?link=/name/nm0652783/’;” target=”_blank”>Cheri Oteri… yes, the long lost Cheri Oteri). Listening to their tales are FBI agents Julia Ormond and Bill Pullman (that’s more of an odd combination than John Cocktoston’s Scotch-Romanian name or his parents, but hey, it works!). These J Edgar Hoovers aren’t cut from the same clean cut cloth that daddy’s Agent Cooper was, and her sheriff (Michael Ironside) and deputies (mustachioed Kent Harper, also the co-writer, and a superb French Stewart… yeah, remember him?) aren’t eggzactly any town’s finest, unless you count shooting civilians’ tires out so they have an eggcuse to harass them

As is the case with Hurt Locker, Surveillance is a relentless, heart-pounding affair that won’t loosen its grip go until you let it (even if we hactually guessed the resolution early on). It’s possibly a bit more intense than Locker, not necessarily better, and strangely enuff, more thrilling and twisted than her father’s recent output. Maybe he should take a page out of her book, instead of the other way around. Remember, it was Jen who wrote The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer, not daddy!

Private Lynching: David Lynch has two other children from two different relationships, sons Riley and Austin Jack, who appeared in Inland ‘Unwatchable’ Empire and as Mrs Tremond’s magic grandson in Twin Peaks

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Chéri
Languishious Liaisons
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

And so the story begins (based on the books by Colette)… with our narrator briefly telling us about some of Europe’s mos notorious courtesans during the Belle Époque era, before turning our attentions solely on the long-winded tale of Lea de Lonval (Michelle Pfeiffer) and her beloved younger titled lover (Rupert Friend). At first, it’s mostly amusing to watch their relationship blossom from a fling into a full-on multiple year affair, but after they’re torn apart by an arranged marriage (to the adorable Felicity Jones) that was set-up by Lea’s old rival and Chéri’s annoying mother (a VERY annoying Kathy Bates), it turns into an eternal waiting fest, as Lea sits around and pouts and pines and pines and pouts, repeat, repeat, replete. Urgh! You know the two are gonna reunite at some point, for butter or wurst, and by the time we get there, 18 hours later, we wish the two had never met and that the narrator had picked one of the other more scandalous whores to chronicle. Don’t know if anyone was clamoring for a Dangerous Liaisons reunion between its director (Stephen Frears), writer (Christopher Hampton) and star (Pfeiffer), but we got one anyway, which doesn’t mean you have to watch it, especially when you can get so much more + Asia Agento NSFW heaven in The Last Mistress

You Got The Silver: Anita Pallenberg has a minor role in the film (and was also recently seen in Harmony Korine’s brilliant Mister Lonely as The Queen), and is best known for having a major role in the lives of the Rolling Stones. She first started off shacking up with Brian Jones, and then left him for Keef, eventually giving birth to three of his kids. Rumor has that she also rizzle razzled with Mick. no word on if she touched Charlie Watts’ sticks or not

Verdictgo: Very Little Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Chéri opens today across the country in limited release, while Hurt Locker and Surveillance (also available on-demand!) hurt it up in NY & LA only

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

FCC You Later
Analog TV Transmission

1928 – 2009

lettuce take a qwik and incomplete revisionist look back at the moist tube-ular moments in analog jammin (not including when the Six Million Dollar Man battled Sasquatch… who was played by André the Giant!)

July 2nd, 1928

station W3XK in Wheaton, MD
emits the US’s first broadcast:
a 10 second porn

October 22nd, 1939

John Madden becomes the first color analyst
of a black & white football game
as the Brooklyn ‘Football’ Dodgers beat
the Philadelphia Eagles 23-14
but the end of the game is cut off
by the TV movie Heidi

July 1st, 1941

‘America runs on Bulova time’
becomes the 1st (legal) TV ad to air
but if America had a choice
it woulda chosen the Jhoon Rhee one

November 5th, 1955

Caroline In The City falls for Calvin Klein
who’s mad pissed cause
another Honeymooners rerun is on
[big ups to the massive BTTF timeline
all dough that ep actually aired on 12/31]

August 28th, 1963

MLK has a wet dream, or something

November 24th, 1963

The Lee Harvey Oswald Experience debuts
they kill it, but their tour abruptly ends

February 9th, 1964

The Beatles refuse Ed Sullivan’s request
to change the title of their hit
‘I Want To Hold Your Hand’
to ‘I Want You To Hold My Cock’

July 20th, 1969

Man lands on the moon
and Walter Cronkite becomes a lunartic
the film 2001 still doesn’t make any sense

sometime in 1969

Elvis’ installs 3 TVs into his
Taking Care of Business room at Graceland
so he could simultaneously watch
C-SPAN, BET and C-SPAN 2
NBC, ABC and CBS
that’s even mo genius than
a PB, Banana & Bacon sangwich!

January 3rd, 1972

WGBH logo rox its own electric boogaloo
and turns out to be the bestest of balls thyme

April 2nd, 1974

Robert Opel breaks Cal Ripken’s streaking record
at the 46th Academy Awards and prompts
David Niven to make the best use
of the word ‘cummings’ since ee

April 8th, 1974

two white guys chase
a black guy who juss finished chasing a white guy

September 17, 1978

“Bitching About Stuff with Andy Rooney”
becomes a regular segment of 60 Minutes
(we hope CBS freezes him for future generations)

November 17, 1978

George Lucas rapes peoples’ eyes and ears
with his The Star Wars Holiday Special
it turned out to be more of an abortion
than Maude‘s abortion

November 18th, 1978

drinking Kool-Aid is no longer considered kool or aidful

December 28th, 1984

wrestler David Schultz pummels John Stossel
cause his mustache is so sexy
and he wants a ride
(who doesn’t?)

July 1st, 1985

Dire Strait’s creepy animated music video
for ‘Money For Nothing’ first airs
everyone wants their MTV
and now, no one wants their MTV

January 28th, 1986

America’s heart explodes
tasteless jokes ensue
we laff at these tasteless jokes
and then say, ‘that’s not funny‘
was ‘too soon?‘ invented on this day?

June 5th, 1989

Tank Man gets in the wrong line
for the Beijing premiere of Tank Girl
at the Tiananmen Square Megaplex 18

January 18th, 1990

Marion Barry allows a bitch to set him up for the last time
becomes the butt of many jokes cracked
[sorry, couldn’t find the video]

April 8th, 1990

Twin Peaks pilot scares the crap outta everyone
even more so than the WGBH logo
TV has never been this good, and never will be again

October 3th, 1992

Sinbad O’Connor rips ass & attempts to distract the audience
by ripping a photo of The Pope

June 15th, 1995

OJ replaces Dan Marino as
the spokesperson for Isotoner Gloves

September 11th, 2001

awfulnessss
+
100 Most Memorable TV Moments, according to TV Guide/Land
Television History – The First 75 Years
a U. S. Television Chronology, 1875-1970
Popular Mechanics articles about TV from 1928 & 1929
timeline of the introduction of television in countries
Photos: A Fond Farewell to Analog Television
rabbit ears aren’t history
10 technological facts of TV
long live Remote Control!
& who watches the Watchman?

hat tip to markkrugman for the inspiration, sorta