Thighs Wide Shut

– Virgin Mary In Grilled Cheese on eBay sells for $28K! But the madness doesn’t end there folks. Bid on Virgin Mary On Grilled Cheese@gmail.com or a trucker hat with her lady of GC or VMGC ala Warhol. Looking for something w/out Jesus’ mumsy, yet grilled cheese related? Why not bid on this photo of a Wyoming model with a grilled cheese sandwich!

– Wurstest use of the moniker ‘Thighs Wide Shut’ and horriblistic punning in general can be found right here. Somebody please send this guy straight to the PUNitentiary.

– I haven’t watched a full episode of ESPN’s SportsCenter in maybe 4+ years, but at least they still make fabulouso commercials. Case in point Star Wars vs. SportsCenter.

– Like more matchups and have nada to do tonight? Go see Senor Fluxbog take on Scotty Stereoshizzle in the The MP3 Blogger Battle @ APT (West 13th (9th/Washington) NYC) @ 10pm. These guys know their shiz, and they know Bo, but Bo don’t know Diddley.

– What happened here? [via Cubs Fan #1]

– Why on earth would anyone ever send a letter to Andy Rooney? I mean, he’s no Morey Schaeffer.

– How come none of yas clued me on on this whole Fat Darrell sandwich (chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks and french fries) dealio? And because you all let me down, I guess I’ll just have to eat 12 of them in one sitting.

– Nuttin sez Happy Anniversary to JFK’s brains exploding like a videogame!

– PEACE THE FORK OUT Franco-American SpaghettiOs.

– Did my girl Marianne Grizzle coin the word ‘mobnoxious‘?

– The Washington National’s brand spankin’ new logo is enuff to make me want to be an Orioles fan again. Boo. Boo Williams. Boo Berry. But props de leon to whomever the webmaster of WashingtonNationals.com is. MLB will be ponying up some major cheddar for some of dat urlness!

– Gawd I love NY. And so does U2. See Stereogum for more.

– This year yers jewly hit up the Lebowski Fest. Next year I’m aiming higher: Twin Peaks Festival 2005, set for July 29-July 31.

– Sleep easy tonight Grambsy, cause Camden, NJ just replaced Detroit as the nation’s most dangerous city! But was this decided before or after Ron Artest came to town?

– I LOUVRE posters. Hispecially Olympic ones.

– The Karate Kid Chimp. [via Nipsy Newbsy]

– Juss wanna say that The Thinker and myself are rocket scientologists for queuing up around 8:45 am this past Saturday for le grande re-opening of the MoMA. We got in no problem at 10. And when we left the museo, the line was 6 times the size. SUKKAHS!!! And oh yeah, the new digs FRIGGIN ROCK!! Cept they could use a few more Lichtensteins and a place to smoke pot… and like free bitches (an Ali G invention).

– Finally, in the realm of Her Royal Thighnessness, because she’s still the hottiest lil trollop in our solar system, and cause she makes the mos wickedest bowl of Rice Krispies after morning 69, I’ve decided to give Cuthy Cutbertson (HRT the II) a couple more weeks to clean up her act/dye her hair and pubes back to dirty dirty blonde before I can david givens her the boot. Meanwhile, Her Former Royal Thighness the I was quoted as saying “I want to be a young mom.” Well, Lord of the Thighs sez good luck with that sweet tits. You know you can’t drink when yer preggers.

Vera Drake

Abortions R Us

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Director Mike Leigh is the master of the depressing British lower class movie genre. He also happens to be one of the most under appreciated directors out there. He also looks like an owl. An like an owl, he gives a hoot about things. Things like said lower class families and their struggles, which isn’t eggzactly a recipe for Hollywood success, but den again that’s what makes him an umcredible filmmaker, unlike say, McG. And If you need to play Mike Leigh catchup, Netflix Meantime, Naked, or my personal fav, All or Nothing. And whenever his next film comes out, you can easily add Vera Drake to that list as well. That’s right, Leigh strikes cinematic gold again. This is by far one of the finest dramas of the year. Here’s how the story goes: lil ole Vera (I smell Oscar nom for you Imelda Staunton!) is the perfect mum, wife, and daughter. She’s always quick to the kettle to fix u a spot of tea or give u a lil nibble before dinner starts, and all with the widest smile. So you call that a story? Juss wait, cause we qwikly learn that Vera, out of the pure kindness of her heart, helps out young poor girls who can’t afford proper abortions. Not any back-alley stizz like Beck’s performance at Coachella mind you, but not eggzactly legal in post WWII England kind either. No one in her family knows she does such a thing and why do they need to know? Unless they’re on a need to know basis. Anywhozitz, days go by, abortions happen, and more cups of tea are poured. Then one day, something goes awry and one of her ‘patients’ almost dies after the deed. The police come a knockn’ and Vera and her close knit family’s world comes crumbling down. That’s all I’ll say, besides get yer a$$ to the theater and see this now! Bravo Mike Leigh.

Recommended for those who like: women’s right to choose, massive amounts of tea, or choosing the perfect first date movie that won’t begat a second date (like what happened when my comrade Soul Jonkin took some chick on a 1st date to see Kevin Bacon get evil on lil kids’ backsides in Sleepers).

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix In The Name of the Father.

Finding Neverland

Hooked On Peter Pansies

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I was a bit skeptical of where things were going as soon as I saw Johnny Depp dancing with a dog to merely entertain Kate Winslet’s four precocious lil British tykes, but as the movie marched on, the magic of JM Barrie’s imagination was enuff to bring me to tears by the end. Sure there’s nothing Oscar nom worthy here, and Marc Foster’s direction was a bit uneven (coming from the guy who gave us Halle Berry and Billy Bob Thornton ODB dirty raw-style boning in Monsters Ball), and yeah it was a bit on the cheezy-whiz side, but there’s enuff here to appeal to those of all ages looking for an escape from our daily lives, juss like the story of… Peter Pan! And if yer jonesing for even mo Johnny Depp and Freddie Highmore (the kid who played Peter, JM’s muse) action, u juss wait, cause they play Willy Wonka and Charlie Bucket in the Tim Burton remake coming out next year.

Recommended for those who like: men who play with children in a non-sexual way, seeing Gareth Keenan in a movie, or to live out their Diane from Trainspotting dressing in green tights fantasies.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Mike Leigh’s whimsical Topsy-Turvy. But whatever you do, don’t Netflix Hook.

Good Bye Lenin!

Hello Great Rental!

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The premise is frocking frantastic: a highly proud socialist single mother raises her two kids in the hell that is ’80s East Germany. Right before the Berlin wall is about to crumble, the mother has a heart attack and slips into a coma. The doctors warn that another attack could finish her off for good, so when she awakes from the coma, she should be as stress free as possible. Her ever loving son makes it his mission to see that this doesn’t happen by pretending that the wall never fell at all. He goes to great lengths, despite being surrounded in a newly capitalistic East Germany filled with Coca-Cola and other delights we consume daily. For example, when he discovers that his mumsy’s favorite pickles are no longer sold in their area, he buys a different brand and places the gerks in an old bottle of mom’s preferred brand. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is. With crisp direction by Wolfgang Becker and super-delicious set design by some other German, this is a lil gem that’s purrrfect for yer home viewing pleasure. I also wanna note that Daniel Brühl, who played the son, is my new mos favortiestest male German actor (PEACE THE FORK OUT Moritz Bleibtreu)… it also doesn’t hurt that he looks like my pal Dickey Greenleaf the II and has an umlaut in his name. Best of luck kid, or should I say, mein herr.

Recommended for those who like: German Burger Kings, Kubrick references, or pickles.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Run Lola Run.

The Shaft

They say this elevator Shaft is a bad mother

SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

Sadly, No Trailer Available

I was introduced to our next film to the tune of “one of the best worst movies ever“. And boy was that preface bona fide and boner staboneafied! I think I’m also the 14th person to ever see this movie, not including cast and crew. And lemme tell YOU some-tang, the cast is second to none, (with all due respect to Murder By Death). Here’s a horribly written rundown of who and what: AWOL military man Michael Ironside (!) and elevator repair shop owner Ron Perlman (!) team up to install a top secret microchip with a brain, which had previously been tested on dolphins (?), into an elevator shaft of the Millennium Building (think Empire State Building), which in turn turns the elevator in to a one man Otis killing and torture machine. So James Hurley from Twin Peaks and some actor named Eric Thal, who coincendentally works for The Beast Perlman, are called in to fix the elevator from all this crazy Elevator Action by Edward Herrmann (Max, the head vampire/proprietor of Max’ Video in The Lost Boys),

who’s under a lot of heat by Lt. McBain, played by Nick Tortelli/Dan Hedaya, and all of this catches the eyes and ears of hot shot reporter Naomi Watts Hotts. Confused? Great. I won’t reveal anything more, CAUSE YOU SHOULD GO AND NETFLIX THIS ASAP & WARREN SAPP! Did I mention that this film marks uber-licious/fellow Marylander/ex-ESPNer Melissa Stark Nakkidness’ debut and still only appearance on the silver screen? What a waste. Had I made Mulholland Dr, it would have been Watts on top of Stark… nekkid (i promise, that’s the last stark nekkid joke… of the day)

Recommended for those who like: to see Dick Maas remake his own 1983 movie called De Lift, horrible acting, or Mother Brain from Metroid.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix my personal favorite breastestist wurstestist movies Zardoz or Leonard Part 6 (not available on DVD. BOOOOOO!).

Young Adam

NC-YaLater-17

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Dying to see a movie about boring people who live on a sail barge that aren’t named Jabba? Or how bout seeing Ewan McGregor’s penis, AGAIN? Or Tilda Swinton in her birthday suit (look, I love her as an actress, but not as a sex kitten?)? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz times microwaved tunafish divided by 7. Although I did quite enjoy watching the scene where young Obi Wan gets miffed, takes off Emily Mortimer Hottiermer‘s clothes, pours ketchup and custard on her body, and then has his way with her.

Recommended for those who like: boring, being bored, or emery boards.

Unsatisfied with this? Before you slit yer eyes out, watch this instead.

– Why rent the worstest movie mt everest, aka The Girl Next Store, starring Easy-E Cuthbert, aka Her Royal Thighness The II, when you can watch the BREASTEST part over and over right here (and if you don’t have sound, u can juss read her lips, I know I DO!!). Bi da weigh, this is pretty much a good representation of how our evenings are filled… that’s why she’s so convincing of an actress. [via Shady Harry’s Son]

– Major congrats to the MD Twerps who finally beat FSU for the first time ever. Too bad yer record is a bunk-a$$ 4-4.

– Chemical Brothers’ drop their next LP Push the Button on January 25th. Q-Tip is on board for a song, but what other fun sirprizes lie ahead? Meanwhilst, Fischerspooner are putting the finishing touches on their second album, tentatively titled ‘Odyssey’, with Mirwais behind the wheels. Guest star pastabilties include David Byrne, Linda Perry, Susan Sontag and Tony Hoffer. It’ll drop sometime next Spring.

– Twin Peaks Season 2 DVDs coming out in late 2005?

– The Futureheads pay a visit to the Canal Room this Wednesday night. Tis only 8 bones!!

– Ricky Gervais turns Oasis shill.

– Albarn, Gallygerrrr and Damien Hirst are a go for Band Aid III.

– Someone please stop this man!

– If you are a multi-tasker like el Maestro of Thighs, I recommend you start using Mozilla’s Firefox browser. Tabs aint just for Microsoft Excel any mo!!

– The first Lohan Herbie: Fully Loaded pic has been unleashed!! For a second there, I thought this was a sneak peek at Tim Burton’s version of The Oompah Loompahs!! (click image for enlargement)

– Enjoy G Dub’s cover of ‘Sunday Bloody Sunday’? Here’s a whole bunch mo.

– Chris Columbus currently be shopping around his Little Steven’s Underground Garage Festival doc to the big studios.

– Bored? Play with Rubik’s Cube.

– Peace the fork out doesn’t always apply to people who die. I’d like to extend some Forking to the following peeps: Goldie, Kathy Whiteside, Ira Mellman and Johnny Dark, who all got the pink slip from WBIG Oldies 100, the radio station I interned at in the mid 90s, and a berry belated PEACE THE FORK OUT to my main man and lass, Senor & Senora Gomberigas. Hope you make the most out of yer new Midwest digs, i.e. eating at Steak n Shake for every meal.

– And speaking of Senor G, he passed along this fine link: A Montana Woman Is Accused of Letting Her 18-MONTH-OLD Daughter Smoke Marijuana From A Bong. That almost makes this guy look normal: Idaho Man Accused of Stealing Underwear

Ahhhhhhhhhhh San Francisco. How I always dreamted of visiting yer Golden Gates and gay Asian shores. And now that I’m twentysomething, I figured it was the time to get arf my a$$ and see what all this Rice-a-Roni and hill shit blues was all about. I mean, until a month ago, I kept miss(tori)pelling the city, ‘San Frasisco’. Hey, if I can call other people douche bags for spilling hot coffee on themselves, I can surely call myself one since I wouldn’t be anywhere without a spell checker. But enuff about semantics and more about my antics this past Columbus Day Weak End!

On Friday, the deadlines were stacked at work, but nothing was going to keep me from the home of Levi’s jeans. I hopped on the le ghetro E train for what seemed like an eternity by Calvin Klein and rendezvoused with the greatest latest thang in NYC transportation: The Airtrain. It’s like being on Epcot’s monorail, but cheaper, and it actually takes you right to your terminal and not a geodesic dome. When I finally got to JFK, the mostest random thing popped into my head: Steven Spielbergo’s The Terminal. I have yet to see this crap on a stick, but I can only imagine how terminally painful it must be to watch. Anywho, boarded my Delta flight, kicked off my smelly shoes, and caught Spider-Man 2 for the 2th time (Read our review here). Gawd bless Sam Raimi for drenching Kirsten Dunstes’es shirt in each of the movies. Lettuce juss hope tits three times a jizz for the next installment. Passed the rest of the time talking to this Indian bloke who explained to me that when people think of Indian food, it’s really just Punjabi food. Most Indian’s diets consist of beans, rice, and veggies, not chicken tandoori.

Anywho, touched down in SFO and was picked up by my weak end’s glamorous host, TSpliff, co-creator of the mos fantabulous website that never was (be sure to visit the stadium!). By the way, my ears had yet to pop and them STILL HAVEN’T!! Went back to his swanky North Beach pad, met his foxy lady lady Michele Ma Bell, downed some chicken-feta-pesto North Beach Pizza (you wouldn’t think Killafornia has good pizza, but they DO!), hit up some famous dive bar called Vesuvio, almost got in a fight with some Hispanic punk a$$ bitch, and called it a night… but not before peeping several episodes of Sealab 2021, one of the breastest cartoons I’ve seen since I declared my jihad vs cartoons. We also got all political and watched what has got to be the finestest show on the fall lineup: The Presidential Debates!! Can you name a more entertaining 90 minutes you’ve watched in the past year? I love hearing about Kerry ‘subcribing’ to ‘plans’ he has that we haven’t heard anything about or Bush just plain talking bout them internets.

Saturday was dedicated to being a whorish tourist. We had some Mexicali lunch right next to the Presidio and sadly didn’t see Sean Connery or Mark Harmon. Next it was off to San Jose via one of the most scenic routes me has ever peeped (being a 5 year NYCer, anytime you see land masses that aren’t made of concrete, you get kinda hot and bothered). And what may you ask is located in San Jose besides a hockey team with horribilistic taste in jerseys? Well, I’ll tell ya: The Winchester Mystery House. And how the FUNK did I come up with this grande idear to visit this place on my lil vacay? Well, one of me favorite all-time shows since I was a kid was A&E’s America’s Castles. A few months back I caught an ep dedicated to this house. And this is the house’s story of us: Sarah Winchester was the heir to the Winchester rifle fortune after her hubsy died. She believed that she was haunted by ghosts and spirits who were killed at the hands of the rifles.

One day she sought the advice of a Boston psychic who in turn told her that she must continue to build on to her house for 24 hrs a day until the day she died. And Sarah Dub did just that (she also invented the washboard!). The result is morerer nuttier than my poops after scarfing a gallon of Pralines and Cream. There were 160 rooms, where windows were built into the floor, stairwells that led to nowhere, closets with 13 hanger posts, rooms that had only one entrance but had three exits, doors that opened to a 15 ft drop, and a whole bunch of other MYSTERIOUS stuffings!! I yearned for a creepy tour. My gal Katty-Kat puuuurfectly suggested that the tour guide should be in the Vincent Price vein, but what me and the TSPliffster got instead was some cheerleaderesque girl, who was more chipper than Chipper Jones, and could play Jan Hooks’ Alamo tour guide in Pee Wee’s Big Adventure if they ever dared to remake it. Literally, our guide was one shake of a lamb’s tail away from making us say, ‘adobe’ and ‘tortilla’. Well, at least at the gift shop they had lovely San Jose postcards depicting a bus!!

As our magical mystery tour continued, wees drove back to the SF, mcnabbed a lil tasty baked sangwhich at Submarine Center in West Portal, drove up to the peaks of Twin Peaks (we even had the courtesy to unhook the bra) and saw the city from a far, and then gave the Tanner full-household a hello on the way to our next stop: the corner of Haight-Ashbury. Before arriving there, my mind was filled with mythical visions of such a holy sight. When we got there, the reality was as lame as being on the corner of 27th St & 2nd Ave, sans ferdinand. Although I’m sure the Gap and Ben & Jerry’s are extra hippyrific! Then we went to the mecca of all music stores: Amoeba Music. This place lives up to any hype you may have been hyped on by Hype Williams or the like. Think Tower Records meets Other Music meets yer ma and pa record shopppppee. I only wanted to spend like 10 minutes there and maybe buy one album, but an hour or so later, I walked out with 5. The prices were so cheap. Gotz like 4 used discs for 5.99 a peace and a Graham Coxon import for onsley 10 bones! Later that night, we grabbed some grand ole momma’s cooking at Home, cause Michele Ma Bell knew it would whet my meat and potatoes lifestyle. Laterz on we went to this new hot spot called Casanova where I sipped drafts of Pabst Blue Ribs and was reunited with my boy Robbie Revz who me hadn’t seen in 10 shlong years! We both told each other that we looked the same, but I think he was just being polite to me and my whale-size.

Sunday was dedicated to foo-ball and almost nuttin but. T’s pals Jorge and Co came over bright and early with some very un-NY bagels and shmears. Next time I’ll just bring some with me ;) I still cunt bee-leave people wake up at 10am to watch fooball. This was the 1st time I’d been in the West during fooball season and with the early games over by 1pm, that left the day thighs wide open for bidness. Although I was half awake and half baked, I still needed to take in a lil culture and me being the museum whore that I is, I had to drop by their MOMA, with former NY galster Veronica and coincidentally visiting NY galster Amber Crusiemanko. A nice collection, but me was more bitter than Passover herbs to find out that a Lichtenstein eggzibit was opening two weeks after my visit. Lichtenstein people!!! It aint just a pointless country no mo!! Rounded out the noche with A PLACE TO EAT AT B4 YOU DIE: House of Nanking!! They have a menu, but you don’t even order off of it. The waitress comes by and hurries you into ordering something. You just say ‘chicken’, ‘beef’, ‘tofu’ or whatever and PRESTO the most yummylicious stuff comes to yer table in a matter of minutes.

The next day I sadly had to go, but not before I purchased some cheap smokes, walked up the mostest crookedest street in the world and chowed on some In-N-Out Burger (still the most overrated burger in America. Fatburger rules x 324114!!). What a friggin fab-u-los-so city tit was. I fell in love and not only left my heart in ‘Cisco, but some mean smelling farts as well after all that chow. And there’s so much touristy shit left for me to do (trolleys, burritos, the wharf, Alcatraz) that I’ll be back quicker than you can say Jeff Gaycia. By the way, WHAT THE FORK IS UP WITH ALL DEM HILLS??#?@!?@?$??%@&!!%?~?%$$@#~$

– Seppo wuz right, how could they not consult him, me, Grambs, or J-Daddy on Evian’s list of the most naturally beautiful woman of all time. No LL? WTF? She has TWO natural beauties attached to her chest. And Liv Tyler at numero 2? If she was giving me a bj, I’d throw up on her head cause all I could think about are her daddy Steven’s lips.

– Speaking of LL, F.U.B.A.R. some how got a hold of her phone number. Are you frightened LL? Not frightened enuff! And speaking of LL and her amazing chest, you can bid on a bra John Hancocked by her! [Link via LL.org]

– The people can’t wait to see Michael Moore’s latest… and they won’t have to wait much longer. How does the end of June sound? F-in mint!! [Scoop via Flea’s Ho Bag]

– Bad Boy and P-Shitty protégé, Ma$e is back. Great, just what the peoples wanted… more crappy music at an un-affordable price.

– On the flipside, aka real music, Blur, the best British band of the 90s (give me a break Radiohead), are back in the studios working on a follow-up to the Coxon-less Think Tank. And if you didn’t pick up that album yet, I’ll personally come to your house and pour cicadas down your throat until you do.

– Sure we’d rather contract SARS than see another Vin Diesel movie, but if you live in The City and want to see The Chronicles of Riddick fo FREE, click here.

– Too bad The Thigh Master loves his family, the beach, and skeeball, cause otherwise my ass would be headed to this year’s Twin Peaks Festival in Washington state. I mean who wouldn’t want to lick that mole next to Sherilyn Fenn’s eye or jammy-jam with Bobby Briggs’ parents? BTW, anyone know when season 2 is being released on DVD? I’m jonesing more than Jeffery Jones at an elementary school’s recess.

– Whoops, looks like Bono wasn’t planning Live Aid II. He must be too busy trying to stick his nose in everyone’s bidness like Jesse Jackson.

– Speaking of bidness, Box Office Bidness will return in Das EFX next week. I mean we all know Shrek 2 made a killing and Soul Plane and Raising Helen looks worsteest than Raising Cain.

– Me so happy. Me just got bumped up to “Creme de la Creme” status on Whatevs.BestF-inBlogEvs. I think me owes Uncle Grambs about 15 cases of White Castles and 9 churros.

– “Baby Jessica” McClure just graduated high school. Be sure to send her your well wishes.

– Trio is still the greatest cable network ever. Two mo reasons why:

1. They’re giving away a DeLorean

2) They’re re-airing Cop Rock… yep, Cop Rock. Bless you Steven Bochco for trying.

– The last Civil War widow ever just passed away. Too bad that racism and the Confederate flag didn’t die with her. But long live pecan pie, grits, and Waffle House.

– And finally, what’s worse than the noise that cicadas make? This song.