Thighs Wide Shut

Can’t we juss move on with our lives? Or remember something else, like the Alamo, the Titans, or how the Skins are the world’s greatest 0-0 team in the NFL?

And can’t we juss bone the fizzle outta Sharapova already? She may have been the Queen of Queens for a day, but after listening to her grunt live in the flesh for 2 straight sets on Saturday night, while I grabbed my flesh, she reminded us why she’ll be our Dairy Queen for a lifetime!

NFL 1 o’clocks were purty urns to the muther stickin boo. After peeping what happened to Trent Green, I was sirprized he didn’t give the thumbs down when being carted off the field (YIKES!). And what did I tell ya, never fantasy draft anyone on the Lions. EVER.

belated Peace The Fork Out: Joseph Stefano, screen-playa of Hitch’s Psycho, one of four flicks that tops my heart

Meg White carrying my love child? If so, tits sure to be the whitest baby since Powder

Thighs Wide Shut Doomed Cruise-Kidman Marriage

Daddy Keith praises Lily’s career. Daddy Keith praises lord that Lily will give his career new life. Daddy to duet ‘Gone Daddy Gone’ with Lily next year? So who’s dick am I sucking to get into her sold out show at the Hiro ballroom?

semi-related: another proud daddy [NSFW]

Nancy O’Dell to provide free JO material for years to cum

yes, the rumors are true, Trent and I did watch tennis

fork terrorism cause there’s only one fight in this world: Fight for Deleted Scenes to Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me [Movieasshole]

fork HBO and them other ‘movie’ channels cause the breast of the breast is Turner Classic Movies, and their hott new DB

WORLD champion DC Divas, lookin for a few mo hos

John Lazar, dude has the freakiest eyes, and dude had the freakiest set of screen breasts of balls thyme, thanks in part to Roger Ebert

Never a bore, always a Borat…

The Vancouverite interviews our mos flavorite sneakerographer. Hey flavorite sneakerographer, hook a brother up with sum a dem green courdory Marc Jacobs’ Vans chukka boots (middle of page)!

David Bowie gets a karate lesson. Somewhere Billy Zabka is either smiling, sweeping the leg, or sweeping the floor

(Dallas/Ft) Worth the $650, cause Janus = genius!

Keeley: Stairway to Heaven, with no happy trail in sight [NSFW]

Trailer Mash

hardly

What happens if you don’t urinate?

What exactly is a booger? [Ask Snot]

free passes for Confe(Shi)tti

Stick Figures in Peril

Bembo’s Zoo

I bet this guy still hasn’t found what he’s looking for (cause he certainly didn’t find it here): When should i stop sharing the bath with my daughter

and why should we bother to post these average Cuthbest snaps [Fid] when we can deck yer balls with Holly Valance

[even mo]

Starting Five

Mädchen Amick

Sheryl Lee

Peggy Lipton

Lara Flynn Boyle

Sherilyn Fenn

Second String

Piper Laurie

Joan Chen

Heather Graham

Alicia Witt

(¡again!)

The Log Lady’s Log

Chris Isaak
Beacon Theater
Aug 17th, 2006

In the history of man, there are only three that I’d go 400% gay for, no preguntas asked: Jude Law, Damon Albarn, and Alexander the Grape (green helmets really turn me on for some reason). Whoops, I omitted someone. Someone very special. No, not Chris Burke, but the dude who hasn’t aged a day over 31 and who’s perfect singing voice could probably make any female’s pelvic region gush more than the falls that the car goes over in Romancing The Stone at the drop of a hat…tie mcdaniel’s oscar, being dropped! It’s the dude who’s song I hearded and hearted in the fantaboulous David Lynch film, which was lucky enuff to be sangwhiched between Blue Velvet and Twin Peaks, Wild At Heart. Spunkily for us all, the Lynch directed film helped said song and said dude find a wider audience, but happarently the Lynch directed music video was not jib cutting enuff, so Herb Ritts went out and created a 2.69 versh that when dropped in the Feb of the ’91 on an un-suck-specting world instantly scratch-offedly become the sexiest music video of BALLS THYME

Dearest Chris, Helena, & Herb^±,

Thanks for taking part in the mos JOing-iest music video of all time. Like those stoopid women who never realized men didn’t want to bang them until they read He’s Just Not That Into You, it never dawned on me that I wanted to nail super hot topless chicks with crazy dark eye make-up on black & white beaches while cumulonimbus clouds that not even Bob Ross could wet dream up float at the speed of Speed Racer using the eraser at the bottom of a number 1 pencil until I was 14 years of age and I made dirty to the beautiful images Adam Curry was pumping into my rent’s living room. How can I ever repay you? Besides ceasing and desisting from sending this same eggzact letter to you each and every day?

K.I.T. (keep in touch!)

Xoxoxoxo,

Thigh Maestro

wait, what the fork were we blathering blatherskiting about? Oh yeah, how much we’d totally bone Chris Isaak, even if he force-fed us microwaved tunafish covered in microwaved gefilte fish. We’ve felt this way ever since the ’91, but to be honest, the man hasn’t been much on our radar o’reilly screens since our copy of Baja Sessions arrived in the mail spanks to my 818th account under an assumed name at BMG Music Service. Spank the lord then that CI was still on my list of muss see performers before they or I perish (alongside such luminaries as Neil Diamond and ABBA, but not such luminaries as Eric Clapton and Bob Dylan) cause otherwise he may have completely been Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Minded out of my mind for all eternaltality (besides the off chance of catching Fire Walk With Me, Married To The Mob, The Silence of the Lambs, or Little Buddha on the telly)

I was a bit skeptical at first when Chrissy came out on stage (probably juss the bad acid flashbacks I get from time to time of the Huey Lewis & The News Bowery Ballroom show I saw where they started off playing 10 new songs that no one wanted to hear… hispecially the dude who kept screaming ‘GHOSTBUSTERS!’), but I was easily put at ease like Eazy-E eating Easy Cheese at Chuck E Cheese’s after a few songs in when Chris himself climbed 2 flights of stairs to visit us peons in the cheap seats (btw, probably the bestest 30 clams I spent on balcony seats mt everest)! And from dat point on my pelvic area began to gush along with all the other ladies’ cause Isaak’s croontastic voice was crisper and clearer than Coco Crisp heartily enjoyin a bowl of Cookie Crisp soaked in Crystal Pepsi. He so rocks. He so rules. He so fine he blew my mind. He has the so bestest hair. The so bestest complexion. I bet he drives a hot car. I bet he gets hot carls in that hot car in the drive-thru window at Carl’s Jr. Did I mention that in the encore that he wore a mirrorball suit? You can’t get much kooler and the ganger than that! If it did, I’d probably have to cut off my johnson and send it to him in the mail

set list (+ mo from the Leg Humpinidness of the Knobbery)

* Lonely With a Broken Heart
* Let’s Have a Party
* Let Me Down Easy
* Speak of the Devil
* Dancin’
* Somebody’s Crying
* Wicked Game
* Go Walking Down There
* King Without a Castle
* One Day
* Want You To Want Me (Cheap Trick cover)
* Here I Stand
* Two Hearts
* Except the New Girl^Â¥
* Graduation Day
* Can’t Do a Thing to Stop Me
* I Love You Too Much
* Only the Lonely (Roy Orbison cover)
* Baby Did a Bad Bad Thing
* Don’t Be Cruel (Elvis cover)
* Gone Ridin’
Encore
* Blue Hotel
* San Francisco Days
* Bonnie Bee
* Blue Spanish Skies

If you read this far and don’t give two Massive-two-shits about the Isaak, I implore you to investigate one of the more underrated artists of the past 20 years. Start with the obvious (Heart Shaped World< /a>), knock out his bestest nextus (San Francisco Days), and then get yer own pelvic region flowin with another goodie but not so oldie (Forever Blue). Truss the man and you’ll be as right as Rain Pryor

Nobody loves no-one
unless of corpse
yer the effin TM
and you totally want to bone Chris Isaak

this posting was not sponsored in part by Kathleen Turner Overdrive

^±even though Herb peaced the fork 4 years ago, I still send his estate a letter per day

^Â¥I always thought he was saying ‘Accept The Nude Girl’ [d fo yo self and never listen to it again the same 4eva]

[more info]
it’s no Twin Peaks Season 2 (which will be released in 2112), but dude, Police Squad is the single funniest TV show of balls thyme, and the gawds were kind enuff to let the DVD drop on my b-day. I look fwd to Netflixing it and ripping it onto a DVD buying it, and so should you cause I know twats good for you cause I am your lord and master and yer my serfs and I say SERFS UP! Big ole hat tip to You’ll Love It At Levitt’s for the heads up

in other sorta eggciting news: Riptide & Perry King’s porn ‘stache is soon a comin to a versatile digital disc retailer (sorta) near you! Bi the gay, Thom Bray, who played brainsy Murray ‘Boz’ Bozinsky, has probably the mos le ghetto website since Mahir

in not so eggciting newz: Mike Douglas peaced the fork out on his 81st b-day

[thighmitted by Po Boy]
+ Twin Peaks season 2 ON DVD?!?!?!? Kinda [Levitticus]
+ More deetz on the Netflix Roadshow flaz, hincluding Aug 2nd’s screenin of The Warriors @ Coney Isle
+ Whatever happened to Spuds MacKenzie?

[WTF?OMGZ!
always kinda NSFW]