He Gets Stoopid, He Shoots An Arrow Like Cupid, He Uses A Word That Don’t Mean Nothin, Like Looptid

Valentine’s Day
Dumb, Actually
Official Website | Trailer & Mo

To be purrfuctly honest, we don’t give much of a damn these days about director(/writer/producer/actor) Garry Marshall and his comings and goings (Georgia Rule? Raising Helen?? The Princess Diarrheases??? guess he didn’t have a second The Flamingo Kid in him), and apparently these days Mr Marshall treats his audience in purty much the same way. How else can one explain his putrid Valentine’s Day, one of the sorriest eggcuses for what we humans refer to as a ‘movie’, who’s sole reason for eggistence is so that wives, girlfriends and significant udders round the globe will have something (more like NOTHING) to drag their paramours to this weekend, in what has gots to be one of the more dreadful holidays on the calendar, well, besides New Year’s Eve. What a coincidence then that Garry has already been slated to direct a spin-off of this movie that tackles the waning moments of December 31st. Dear lord, and John, and anyone else who can save us from this unripe tripe that makes He’s Just Not That Into You look like An Affair To Remember

Sure, we’ll admit 10000000% that we are not the target audience of this mushy mush that’s over stuffed with about 117817 plotlines that are about as complicated as multiplying any number with zero. Speaking of zero, that’s about how much we love this cast on a scale of 1 to 22393942444. Without even seeing the movie, the following names alone act as a movie (not-)going repellent to our eyes and ears: Jessica Alba, Kathy Bates (imagine cinema life had she not won an Oscar), Jessica Biel, Bradley Cooper, Eric Dane, Patrick Dempsey, Jamie Foxx (will you peas stop making crap on top of all the good that you have done did?), Jennifer Garner (please shut yer face), Topher Grace, Ashton Kutcher (if only the scripts he were given were restricted to 140 characters), Queen Latifah, Taylor Lautner, George Lopez (sirprizngly, one of the lesser annoying people here), Emma Roberts + Taylor Swift (we’ll give a pass to Hector Elizondo, Anne Hathaway, Shirley MacLaine & Kristen Schaal???). And how about Marshall’s ole musey pal Julia Roberts? Ever time she appears in a movie, they (whomever ‘they’ is) make it out to be some humongo rare event, but why? She’s barely an actress, and they pay her like she was 392923747 Meryl Streepses. They should pay her like she was Emma Roberts! And neither of them should work more than Eric Roberts!!! If the above mentioned peeps are yer kinda peeps, than by all weighs & means, run, do not walk to the theater, for what is the equivalent of drinking a cola that isn’t Coke, Pepsi or even RC

The Marshall Plan: not only does Garry make his audience suffer, but his own family too! he gave some walk on VDay roles to his wife Barbara, children Kathleen & Scott, and grandkids Sam & Lily Marshall-Fricker + one for Jim Belushi’s son Robert as well

Verdictgo: Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous

VD breaks brains, robs wallets today at a theater near jews,

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…