Thighs Wide Shut

Waitress
Slice Dreams
Trailer

After plowing thru a slice of the Double R’s infamous cherry pie Special Agent Dale Cooper remarked, ‘This must be where pies go when they die‘ [wav]. Had Coop made his way into the deep south, he probably woulda stripped that declaration from the Twin Peaks staple and applied it to Waitress‘ Joe’s Pie Diner. Seriously folks, I have never seen pie, let alone any food for that splatter, look so fargin delicious on screen before. I guarantee that when you leave the theater, you will eat pie (baked or hair). If inanimate objects had their own Oscar category, dem pies would be the biggest shoo-in since carbon rod took home a Bestest Inanimate Object Emmy back in the ’94. So besides pies with zany names, what else is on the menu? Oh, how bout, the scrumptious final work of slain indie darling Adrienne Shelly, proof that Keri Russell and Nathan Fillion can carry a film, verification that Andy Griffith is not dead, further authentication that no one plays a prick better than Jeremy Sisto, and confirmation that Cheryl Hines makes a fuglier waitress than Alice‘s Flo. Waitress aint no fine dining, but whatever your tastes, I’m sure you’ll enjoy this home cooked meal

Whip It Good: US2Gay has the recipe for ‘I Can’t Have No Affair Because It’s Wrong and I Don’t Want Earl to Kill Me’ Pie

Pies Wide Slut: the only ‘pie diner’s I could find in the US were Shoofly in the Noise of ILL and Chicken in Cali

Apt MPupil3: Warrant‘s crotchlicious ‘Cherry Pie‘ [d|vid]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers•

Year of The Dog
Bordering on Pawful
Trailer

If you’ve ever seen Chuck & Buck you already know that writer/actor/and now director Mike White isn’t your average joe. Yet, outside of C&B his output is just plain… average. While I’m a big fan of his penned The Good Girl, there’s not too much to write home about about School of Rock, Nacho Libre, Orange County and his directorial debut, Year of The Dog. Dog is not a bad movie, but it’s not really something that needs to be shown in theaters either. There’s juss nothing really goings on there. Hell, the ‘drama’ that’s thrown between the II and IIIrd acts that turns into a message in the end reeks of desperation to juss have something goings on there. Tis quite a shame, since all the performances are quite good, including lead Molly Shannon who’s finally ready to erase Mary Katherine Gallagher from peep-hole’s noggins. If White really wanted to make a cutesy flick where you can turn off your mind, relax and float down stream, he shoulda expanded on the best scenes where Shannon tends to 15 dogs simultaneously. That’s more comic gold than having Regina King be queen of your laff factory

Bestest Screen Replacement for Mike White Mt Everest: Josh Pais

Play It Again Sam: yesh, that lappy go hucky song that you hear towards the end is also the same one used in Thigh favs Napoleon Dynamite AND It’s All Gone Pete Tong. Tits called ‘Music For A Found Harmonium‘ [d] and its originally by The Penguin Cafe Orchestra

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges•

Friday we’ll review one of our mos flavorite flicks of the year that isn’t about a serial killer. Stay tuned!!! Until then, the balcony is clothed…

Hot Fuzz
Much Buzz
Trailers

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What the world needs now, is love laffs, sweet love laffs. Unfortchenetlee, we cannot count on our New World brethren to help in this effort. Too many weeks go by with some new refarted American comedy being forced into every cineplex odeon across the land. Even the ones that are suppose to be or that are supposedly good, never end up that way, at least in my mind. Den it’s a damn fine thang that the British are having a comedy renaissance and us peeps on this side of the pond are beginning to eat it up. There’s been a huge void ever since Monty Python’s circus flew away (and no, cheeky Hugh Grant flicks don’t count), but spanks to such hotness as Sacha Baron Cohen and Ricky Gervais, these Limeys are here to challenge the poop that the poop factories have been pooping out. While plenty other Brits are making a name for themselves back home, most of them have not yet hit up our radar screens. Gruesome twosome actor/writer Simon Pegg & director/writer Edgar Wright are mere steps away from being blips on our screens to becoming full blown Hollywurst playas like Ricky & Ali G

Pegg & Wright made quite the international splash with their rom-zom-com Shaun of the Dead, and the splash, as well as the laffs are much munch bigger with their hilarious Hollywood action movie send-up, Hot Fuzz. Armed with a lotta guns, a lotta fun, and quite an impressive cast (Jim Broadbent, Timothy Dalton, Paddy Considine, Cato & Pompey Magnus and many many many others!), Pegg & Wright hand in what will arguably be the funniest film of the year. While some dramas run long at 2 hours, most comedies run too too long at 1 hour. Clockin in at 2 hours, Fuzz never loses its buzz at all, spanks in part to the yucks provided by Pegg’s cuddly BFF Nick Frost and the sirprizingly engaging Wicker Manish storyline that keeps this shiz hotter than a Pat O’Brien voicemail message

CameOH Snap!: look out for LOTRingers Cate Blanchett (Pegg’s ex) and Peter Jackson (Santa)

What’s All The ‘Fuzz’ About: Ask Yahoo! hexplains how police got the nickname ‘fuzz’

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show•

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La Doublure (The Valet)
Stuck Somewhere Between Neutral and Reverse
Trailer

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While the British are off fighting the war of US comedic dominance, the French are once again basically no help to anyone but themselves. In their native tongue, they excel in romance, occasionally thrillers, but rarely do their comedies, I mean comédies, strike a universal chord with our shallow hearts. Writer/director Francis Veber is king of French comédies, but that might not mean anything to you and me. Well, what if I told you that the Oscar nominated Veber is king when it comes to having his work remade into successful Hollywood fare? Ever hear of The Birdcage, The Toy, The Man with One Red Shoe, Quick Change and/or Three Fugitives? If yer a fan of any of those, and I’m sure yer a fan of multiple of dems, then you have Verber to thank

Verber’s latest, The Valet, sounds great on paper, but as we all know by now, films aren’t made on paper. Hell, most of them aren’t even made on film anymore! The Valet centers around an outta luck shlub (I’ll give you one penny if you can guess his occupation) who, through circumstances and circumcisions not worth getting into, gets mixed up in one rich man’s affair affairs. In order for said rich man to carry on said affair and not have his sugar mommy of a wife find out, the shlub is hired to act as the boyfriend of the affairette. The affairette is a knock-out model, and since he’s a shlub, hijinks should boviously ensue. By the time that ball gets rolling, the film basically ends, leaving us with less chuckles than a bag of Chuckles. Spankfully The Valet is set to be remade by the Bros Farrelly. While they themselves have been hit or miss as of late, it’s still a purty solid bet that their version will utilize the comedic potential far butter than it’s Frenchie older brother

Unsatisfied with this? forget about the laffs and get serious by Netflixing the single greatestest french movie of the past 15 years, Mathieu Kassovitz’s beyond brills La Haine [trailer]

Van HOT Damn!: whilst wees was darn wet between our thighs watchin Virginie Ledoyen on the big screen again, our eyes got even more wettter peering at Alice Taglioni, although unfortch not in NSFW mode this go around

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Grindhouse
South By SouthWurst
Trailer

What’s got 4 thumcredible faux trailers, 15 glorious minutes of a chick with a gun for a leg, and 20 minutes of thrillin car stunts? The 3 hour and 11 minuted overbloated double feature Grindhouse from virtuosos Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino. Now I’m no math major or Lee Majors for that matter, but 40 or so worthwhile minutes leave about 2 and 1/2 hours of undesirable viewing, which I’d like to dub Snoozehouse. So how did it all go so wrong? For starters, I knew we were in for stormy weather when Tarantino himself was credited as an actor in both films! The only time his thespian chops were put to good use was when he was killed early on in Reservoir Dogs

It’s nice that the two directors wanted to pay homage to shitty movies from the 70s, but did they really need to bore us beyond belief in the process? While Rodriguez’ George A. Romeroishhhhh Planet Terror joint is miles and kilometers above Tarantino’s Girl Talk party Death Proof, both are easily the wurstest and mos disappointing efforts they’ve committed to celluloid. If they really wanted to make Grindhouse a success, they shoulda gone all sketch-y and made Kentucky Fried Movie 2 . Hell, A Fistful of Yen was no Citizen Kane, but it was also the longest bit of KFM, clockin in at around 31 minutes

Unsatisfied with this? wait til next year when the fab faux trailer Machete gets turned into a full blown movie (and ends up being the bestest straight-to-video film since Idiocracy)?

When 1 Becomes 2: word has it that due to the weak showing at the US BO, the one film will be split into two when released overseas!

Who Would You Rather Bang: Zoë Bell or Zoë Ball?

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges••
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until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Namesake
Kumar Goes White
Trailer (probably the best I’ve seen all year)

Adapted from the vastly popular Jhumpa Lahiri novel of the same name, The Namesake is the Indian-American equivalent of My Big Fat Greek Wedding. I don’t mean that it’s a dopey comedy filled with more stereotypes than a Michael Richards stand-up act, but it’s an exploration of an old world mixing it up in the new world, when second generation children grow up in a society much different than their immigrant parents did, and where each family member must figure out where their cultural identity lies.

Instead of a Windex spraying father and an overbearing mother, we’re invited into the lives of the more down to (planet) earth Ashoke and Ashima Ganguli (both eggceptionally played by Bollywooders Irfan Khan and Tabu), who were brought together by way of an arranged marriage and brought from thier native land to NYC in search of a better tomorrow. In a span of two fast-paced hours, we see the couple adapt to their new surroundings, be fruitful and multiple, and then watch their children as they turn more into everyday Americans than yesteryear Indians. It’s a lot of ground to cover in that time span, which is both the movie’s greatestist asset and weakness. Asset, cause the film never stops being engaging, but a weakness, cause it feels like some bits are glossed over or not even fully explored… that’s probably what made the book such a good read

So I’m sure you’re wondering about the name and the actor who plays him, for heaven’s sake. Well, Mr & Mrs Ganguli temporarily name their first boy Gogol, as in the Russian writer Nikolai, not as in Golgo 13. Hollywood stoner Kal Penn is refreshing in role of the culturally criss-crossed Gogol, but it’s not the kind of performance that you’d say is an absolute breakthrough, as I’m sure many had hope it would. I think it’s still possinle, but he would have keep working in more films like these and less in ones where he’s required to have a BA in Bong-ology. Either way, his future is looking quite bubbly for Kumar

Possible Porno Name: For Taint’s Sake

Mirar Nair: Nair directed the sultry ’96er Kama Sutra: A Tale of Love, which had Rome‘s Niobe gettin busy with the likes of Lost‘s Sayid. And yes, since tits about the KS, there’s plenty of NSFWness to go round!

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): honestly, the trailer was better than the movie, but this thang is fo sho a Jeepers Worth A Peepers•

Music & Lyrics
Tone Definitely Not Worth Running To The Theater For
Trailer

This is like every other lame-brained rom-com you’ve ever seen, cept this one finally pits Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore in the ways of love and Mad-Lib Hollywood screenwriting. I bet Hollywurst is already trying to figure out a way to put Adam Sandler and Sandra Bullock into some sorta wacky boy meets grrrrl situation. Too bad they already used up that time traveling mail box idea! Anywho, Music & Lyrics is about nothing you need to concern yourself with, yet it’s still charming. Charming only cause of its leads and not with the material that they’re working with. This movie is a poopstain, but if you’re forced into it, like yours drooly, there are two things that make it OK to not slit your eyes, repoopulous stizz…

1) the beerlarious video for Hugh Grant’s Wham!ish 80s band Pop! (the em pee 3 can be found b-low)

2) the hotness that is up and coming on my face Haley Bennett

[more fapness can b found on HerSpace & GQ]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges•… which basically means it’s more entertaining than 300

Rental Round Up(dog)

Idiocracy
Trailer

Mike Judge’s his and her stair-a-cool Office Space follow up is and was the breastest rental of ’07/sorta-unreleased movie of ’06! Tis quite a shame that Fox had no faith in the film cause tits mo funny than the last 42 Frat-Pack films that were released! And yes, Earl Mann is da mann! Not only did he provided the VO for Idiocracy but he’s also one of the main voices for NFL films

and oh yeah, The Holiday blows wurster than a Tony Danza talk show. Jack Black tried to be serious, but I don’t think anyone really asked for it. Spreaking of, Tenacious D in ‘The Pick of Destiny’ was outta control bananas for the first 10 minutes. Sadly, the rest of the film was more of a grapefruit

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

300
What The Dilios?
Trailers & mo

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I loves me some mindless entertainment, but 300 is sain and plimply mindless. If yer as big a fan of HBO’s Rome, as yer beloved Thigh Mizzle is, then you will probably agree that this flick is not even as good as its wurstest episode… and for the record, there hasn’t been one single bad edish of the Lucius Vorenus-Titus Pullo funfest. Many have admitted that there’s no soul, heart or real emotion goings on in this big screen adaptation of this ‘beloved’ Frank Miller graphic novel, but it hasn’t seem to bother them (I guess they were also fans of Tarsem’s The Cell). Well, it bothers the hechinger’s outta me cause all the green/blue screen special effects aren’t the least bit impressive. So if a flick has no core and no shiny outside then it is truly nothing. Not for a lack of trying, but 300 is a total failure when you compare it to the other Frank Miller trip down cinema lane: Sin City [TWS.org review]. So why did Sin City rock and 300 suck my cock? Besides the obvious like the casts and directors 300 tries too hard to be serious that it’s laffabull… shit. It seems more like a dumb comic book movie than a graphic novel film. I was so annoyed by the cocky Spartans that I was secretly rooting for the Persians to webster slaughter them by the end of the first battle. Hell, there was more drama from the Spartans of Michigan State when they took my Terps to the wire at MSG in November than there was in this neverending slo-motion sword and sandal shit pic. But don’t take my word for it. I bet Captain Oveur‘s a big fan.

to sum up, or for those who skipped the first paragraph, 300 is a two hour poor man’s version of this redonkeylessly overproduced Marines commerish from yesteryear…

Possible Porno Name: Three Humpettes

Apt MPupil3: Sparta’s ‘The Most Vicious Crime‘ [d]

Gettin Graphic: Apparently director Zak Snyder can’t stop adapting, as the long gestating film version of Alan Moore’s classic graphic novel The Watchman is next on his docket

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): I find no merit in the movie, but it’s not a complete zero, but since one-star flicks leo getz the same label as zeros… Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous•

and all apologies go out to Britain’s Amistadish Amazing Grace and Anthony Minghella’s modern day melodrama Breaking & Entering. We saw both of these 8+ mos before they were released in theaters and never got around to reviewing them. There’s a reason why it took so long for them to get to theaters and so I figure that that was reason enuff to not review them. While I’d say each are worth a peep, I’d also have to say that both are underwhelming

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…