Thighs Wide Shut

My Blueberry Nights
Tasty Snoozeberries
Trailers & Mo

Director Wong Kar-wai‘s first foray into the English tongue is very pretty, and pretty boring. No real shock there since that’s how we felt about the only other two of his films we’ve seen, In The Mood For Love and 2046 [TWS review]. Normally style doesn’t make-up for little substance in filmdom, but there’s juss something so beautiful about WKW’s love of glowing neon lights and sped-up slow-motion shots that we’ve now made this exception for a third time. Blueberry Nights marks Norah Jones’ acting debut, and after taking it in, it’s hard to tell if she’s any good or not. Why? Well, she spends most of the movie barely speaking, as she and we stand by and watch the other actors act, and damn fine ones at that (David Strathairn, Rachel Weisz, Jude Law and Natalie Portman). The film’s story is hers, but it doesn’t feel that way. She’s traveling across America to mend a broken heart, meeting all these other lonely souls, and we tend to be more interested with them than with her. Luckily their bits make up for her empty stares, although together as a whole, the bits don’t add up to much, but boy are they pretty. A more interesting debut is pitched in by Chan Marshall, another singer who you may know better as Cat Power. She shares a quality short scene with Jude Law that seems to come outta nowhere, yet her brief contribution made us wonder if maybe she shoulda been cast in the lead. Oh well, maybe WKW will throw her more of a bone if he decides to follow this up with My Blueberry Days

Memphis Belles Yes!: a 1/3rd of the film is set in Memphis, Tennessee (mostly at the Arcade restaurant), and if you’ve never been to this franztastic southern city, you owe it to yourself to visit. there’s Graceland, Sun Records studio, the Civil Rights Museum (amazingly built behind the Lorraine Motel, where MLK Jr was killed), gettin sloshed on Beale Street and mos importantly, sum of DE breast fried chicken we’ve ever had, GUS’S

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): if we can give Run Fat Boy Run a Jeepers Worth A Peepers, then Blueberry should get it too

Sex and Death 101
Sophomoric Class Exercise
Trailers & Mo

Roderick Blank (pretty boy Simon West) has got probably the greatest dilemma on earth. Right before he’s about to wed, he’s magically emailed a list of women he’s previously bedded, plus the added bonus of 70 more names that he will eventually get to kiss kiss bang bang. With a list like that, does one go ahead and get hitched or seek out these other ladies and start crossing off their names? Blank wisely chooses not to shoot blanks and tackles the list (with some assistance from his assistant, the long forgotten Mindy Cohn, aka Natalie from Facts of Life, and of Peabs face-down in her Honey Bunches of Oats fame). Wonderful premise, eh? Indeed so, and there’s some solid raunchy NSFW goings on here, but the execution is too clunky for it to fully work. Obviously we’re going to see him finish out his list of 101 names, but did we really need to see almost all of these sexcapades played out? There are some montages, but the movie runs a little too long, and could have benefited from a few more montages. And who doesn’t love montages? They even reference them in the film

So the real question is, who’s the last name on the list (and when the hell are we gonna get there already)? We won’t tell you, but we will say there’s a subplot about a killer of sexual deviants that appears to have nothing to do with our protagonist’s journey through the valley of the dolls. Or does it? Enter Winona Ryder, who re-teams with her Heathers (best teen movie EVERRRRRRR) writer, Daniel Waters, on his second directed joint. The two have a lot in common, a solid start to the early 90s and then tossed aside by the Hollywood machine. Ryder’s been able to bounce back a bit, although she really needs some better movies, but Waters? Being the dude who penned Hudson Hawk and Batman Returns won’t get you a lot of meetings in any town. There’s been talk of a Heathers sequel, and if that’s true, lettuce hope Waters takes a course on Directing 101

O Brother, Where’s Your Art: Daniel’s younger brother Mark has had a munch better go of things in Hollywurst. He started off with The House of Yes and went on to direct Freaky Friday, Mean Girls and a bunch of other pedestrian fare

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinking Badges

The Flight of the Red Balloon
(Le Voyage du Ballon Rouge)
Full Of Hot Air
Trailers & Mo

Albert Lamorisse’s 1956 Oscar winning The Red Balloon (Le Ballon Rouge) is a 34 minute gem that anyone of any age would love. Hsiao-hsien Hou‘s homage to that short, The Flight of the Red Ballon,
is an almost 2 hour borefest that anyone of any age would slit their eyes out to if they’re even able to sit through all of it. All the innocence and charm of Lamorisse’s piece apparently didn’t make the flight as it’s been replaced by nothingness and lots of it. If you’re dying to see the ‘adventures’ of a Taiwanese babysitter in Paris + Juliette Binoche lend her voice to a puppet show, then this is the movie for you. If not, then make the le voyage to Netflix, rent the original short and watch it 4 times instead of taking in this celluloid equivalent of NyQuil

VH99: in 2006, for one whole hour, VH1 Classic aired the video for Nena’s ’99 Luftballons (99 Red Balloons)’ to help raise money for Hurricane Katrina Relief

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Priceless
(Hors De Prix)
MasterCard Declined
Trailers & Mo

Gad Elmaleh is the most loveable loser in French cinema today. Anytime we’ve seen him on screen, our hearts go out to him, and our mouths end up errupting with laughter. He stole the show in the average Valet [TWS review], and he keeps Priceless from going completely bankrupt. Here he plays a simple barman who, by way of mistaken identity, literally charms the pants off of sugar daddy hunting Audrey Tautou. A whole movie coulda been built around this, ending with the revelation that he’s a pauper and not a prince, but that bubble bursts earlier in the flick than expected. Once Tautou discovers that he doesn’t have the Midas touch, she instantly loses interest in him. Elmaleh doesn’t give up and tries hard to re-charm her pants off. Tats starts up her old ways again with another rich dude, and while Elm waits for her to change her mind, he decides to jump into the gold digging game as well. You know it will be only a matter of time before Audrey breaks down and realizes that Gaddy is the man for her, even if he’s only rich at heart. Priceless is down right cute like its stars, but too darn predictable to be worth the trip to the art house

Gadamn: Gad, as a woman, scary shiz indeed

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

all flicks open in limited release today, cept for Priceless, which already be in theaters

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Flawless
A Safe Bet
Trailers & Mo

Director Michael Radford may not be a household name, but he probably should be. Every time he comes to bat he always connects with the ball, and does it many different ballparks ( Il Postino, 1984, The Merchant of Venice ). His latest entry, Flawless, continues that most quiet hitting streak. It pairs a sultry bidness woman, Demi Moore (welcome back!), and a crusty old janitor, Michael Caine (like a fine wine, he only gets better with age), as they attempt to rob the diamond company they both work for and feel slighted by. It has the same 60s look and feel as Mad Men, but stuff actually happens besides people smoking and drinking in their offices. If you see one heist film this spring, (please) make it the Bank Job [TWS review]. If yer thirsty for mo, while Flawless may not be as outright thrilling or flashy as Job, it has enough merit and stinkin badges to give it a go. Plus it makes up for that Joel Suckmacher flick of the same name where PS Hoffman gays up DeNiro Who’s That Girl: Moore’s character tells the film’s story in retrospect to a cutie patootie reporter. It took us the entire film to figure out who the hell she was: The Tudors Natalie Dormer, who was sporting a much mo fitting blond mane

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers!!

Chapter 27
I Saw Him Standing There
Trailers & Mo

One question has plagued our mind for ages: why would anyone ever want to kill John Lennon? There will never be any sensible answers and Chapter 27, which chronicles the days leading up to Mark David Chapman’s murder of the Walrus, didn’t seem to come up with anything finite either, juss more questions. So on to our next question (which hasn’t really plagued us for any longer than 8 minutes): how do you fill an entire movie about a deranged guy who waits outside in the cold day and night at the Dakota for John Lennon to come out and play? For the restless out there, you’ll be screaming at the screen for Chapman to hurry up and carry out his dastardly deed, but alas, you’ll juss have to wait til the very end. Everything leading up to the moment includes, standing, standing, standing, more standing, even more standing, shrugging off the cold, annoying Lindsay Lohan and Judah Friedlander (secretly one of the best supporting actors nick goings), record shopping, walking in Central Park, being crazy in hotel rooms, a little bit more standing and non-stop blather about Holden Caulfield (he’s the dude in Catcher In The Rye for those who never took one high school English class). Sounds captivating, eh? Luckily Jared Leto, who portrays Chapman, provides all the meat and the sizzle (which he musta had to intake like crazy off screen to pack on the pounds to look more like the MDC). Say what you will about Leto, but he has always given 111% of himself in any movie he’s appeared in (OK, maybe not in Urban Legend). As was the case with Truman Captoe, Chapman got two movies made about him around the same time. The other, which we haven’t seen, is called The Killing of John Lennon. It actually looks a lot better than 27, although its lead actor doesn’t appear to be able to play an asshole quite like Leto can. And lets be honest, is there any better asshole than Mark David Chapman? Well, there’s John Hinckley, but he doesn’t even deserve a movie, and if he did, please don’t bother asking Jodie Foster to participate

A Not So Kodak Moment: hours before Lennon was gunned down by Chapman, he gave him his autograph. Here it be

[The Cemetery of Rock]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Run Fat Boy Run
Close To Running On Empty
Trailers & Mo

David Schwimmer’s directorial debut (what, did you stop reading already?) is such a textbook example of a rom-com that we wouldn’t have been sirprized if it was written by Houghton Mifflin (not to be confused with Dunder Mifflin, snatchurally). It was actually co-written by Michael Ian Black, and it confirms once again that any script penned by an ex-Statesmen isn’t all that funny (save Wet Hot American Summer). The rom part of film aint very antic either, yet somehow we were completely charmed by this commonplace tale of an immature everyman trying to win back the love of his life by way of running in a marathon. The everyman in question is Simon Pegg (he’s also the other co-writer), and without him (and his BFF Dylan Moran), this flick woulda fallen flatter than Pat. This may be the least comical comedy he’s starred in, but you’ll be rooting for the ‘fat boy’ from start to finish, even if he did leave hottie supreme Thandie Newton preggers at the altar in the opening scene

We Want In Dia!: India de Beaufort may have a thankless role in the film, but who really cares when she makes us spankmore

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): against our butter judgment, we say Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Hats Off
The Old Woman And The Must See
Trailer & Mo

You’ve probably never heard of actress/model/lover of life Mimi Weddell. She may look familiar, but unless you’re a woman or are extremely gay then you probably didn’t see one of her more ‘major’ roles as Stanford’s Grandmother on Sex In The City. Thankfully, for the rest of us, we’ll get our first taste of the sophisticated hat collecting lady, who started acting at age 65 when her husband passed on, in this truly uplifting doc. If she can’t inspire you to get up and do stuff with her ‘rise above it’ mantra, then no one can. Hats off to you Mrs Weddell!

Honor Whitewoman: Mimi was named one of the ’50 Most Beautiful People in New York’

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

all flicks open in limited release today, cept for Fat Boy, which opens nationwide

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Snow Angels
Ships of Relations Slowly Sinking
Trailers & Mo

We’ve never seen a David Gordon Green film that we didn’t like. That’s a fact, mainly cause we’ve never seen any of his three previous thighly acclaimed southern gothic pics, George Washington, All The Real Girls or Undertow. His latest, Snow Angels, keeps our statement alive, cause we did like it, although it was kinda hard to fall for with its endless Debbie Downerszzzz. Angels is Green’s first flick that he didn’t write from scratch. The source material here is the 1994 novel of the same name by Stewart O’Nan. It focuses on a high schooler (Kumar’s pal on 24) finding love (Juno’s BFF Olivia Thirlby) at a time when his parents’ marriage is falling apart. But that’s only half the story. The rest deals with his old babysitter (Kate Beckinsale, finally in a movie that’s worth her talent), as she tries her best to raise her daughter (Gracie Hudson making her first of which we hope will be many more film appearances) away from her unstable husband (Sam Rockwell, who’s officially the king of playing movie schmos). A tragic incident midway thru sorta loosely intertwines the storylines, but for us, they woulda worked better as two separate movies. Things keep getting bleaker from there, and we know it’s going to cause the movie begins near end when some gunshots ring out (right after a killer high school band rendition of Peter Gabriel’s ‘Sledgehammer’). Anyone else out there in Thighland sick of that narrative gimmick? As soon as you see something and then ‘a few weeks earlier‘ pops up on the screen, one starts counting down the minutes for that scene to come around again. We like our dénouements to come outta nowhere, not handed to us like some Barack Obama leaflet. But how can we fault a movie where Sábado Gigante snags a cameo?

Seeing Green: looks like DGG is headed to big studio land. He almost got a Confederacy of Dunces flick made, and his next joint, The Pineapple Express, has him joining up with team Aptaow

Angel Demons: North Dakota and Michigan keep battling for the Guinness World Record for most snow angels

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Paranoid Park
A Half-Baked Tale At The Half-Pipe
Trailers & Mo

For the first time ever, it’s possible that a Gus van Sant film may win our award that’s named after him: ‘Mos Pretentious Film of the Year‘. We’re purty sure it won’t come to that, as the fall season sees its fair share of high-brow poo la la (most likely to be released by Fox Searchlight), which will knock Paranoid Park outta contention. Now don’t spank us wrong, cause Gussy always hands in a beautiful piece of work, but juss cause Jessica Alba is see-thrulicious, doesn’t mean people wanna hear her talk. Tis a crying shame, cause when van Santa’s got a good story to toss in with the pretty pictures, the results are more marvelous than Marvin Hagler (To Die For, Good Will Hunting, Drugstore Cowboy, etc). GvS comes kinda close here with a decent murder mystery plot device, but he wastes it all away on endless tracking shots of people walking nowhere and pointless idle teen chatter he already covered before in the much more poignant Elephant. Paranoid Park feels a lot like Kids, cept it’s not as edgy, dirty, fun or mos importantly, worth your while. For his next joint, the biopic of Harvey Milk, it’s appears he’s leaving the non-actor kids behind. Good, cause we’ve been waiting for quite awhile for the hour that comes after the amateur one

Avoid The ‘Noid: Paranoid Park is a fo’reals place. It’s the nickname for Portland’s O’Bryant Square

Let In Rainn: watch Rainn Wilson’s beerlarious ‘audition’ for Paranoid Park. And when yer done with that, peep his one for Juno, I’m Not There, Diving Bell and A Mighty Heart

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

both flicks, which are independent street cred projects for two of the Gossip Girl youngins, are currently playing in limited release

Rental Round-Up Dawg: one is a classic and the other is an instant classic. both muss be rented AwarrenSAPP!

In The Heat of The Night should be required viewing for any budding thespian, cause we’ve almost never seen better acting in a movie. Period! Exclamation point. A winner of 5 Oscars, including one for Rod Steiger, who beat out Warren Beatty (Bonnie and Clyde), Dustin Hoffman (The Graduate), Spen
cer Tracey (Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner) and Paul Newman (Cool Hand Luke) for Best Actor. WOW, what a pack of five, which sadly left no room for a Sidney Poitier nom. Damn you Academy! We know you’ve honored the man before, but first that and then no Best Director love for his craftsmanship on Ghost Dad? You all have about as much heart as the dude from Temple of Doom who got gutted by Mola Ram

If you didn’t see our #2 pick for flick of the year, the OUTTA THIS WORLD doc In The Shadow of the Moon [TWS review], you don’t deserve to call yerself a human being. And if you want to argue that fact, we’re gonna have Mola Ram come over to yer house and gut you too!

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Bank Job
Job Well Done
Trailers & Mo

Jason Statham has built an entire acting career on heists, cons and transporting. The films in which he stars in are usually high on octane and low on brain usage, and no one seems to mind one bit. But what if one of these high-octane Statham action flicks had a brain attached to it? Wouldn’t that be the perfect movie? That question was answered with a resounding ‘yes’ in The Bank Job, Roger Donaldson’s (No Way Out, Thirteen Days) loose take on a real London bank robbery from 1971 that crossed the hairs of everyone from the criminal underground, the police, the secret service, the British government and even the Royal Family. No arrests were ever made and none of the money was ever recovered. Not much information has ever surfaced from the case, thanks to a government D-notice request, but Donaldson does his best to piece together a story from what little facts exist and the fiction he sprinkled in. This is one of the mos entertaining caper flicks we’ve seen since The Usual Suspects. It may not be as taxing on the brain as Suspects, but what do you expect, it’s juss a Jason Statham movie

Job 1: Statham already co-starred in The Italian Job and will be seen next year in its sequel, The Brazilian Job

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

CJ7 (Cheung Gong 7 hou)
Bites Off More Than It Can Chow
Trailers & Mo

What are we to make of Stephen Chow’s CJ7? It’s family film, that’s too strange to be a family film, and while it has the typical Chow hijinks and outlandish action one would expect, it doesn’t have enough of either to truly satisfy the fans that ate up his King Fu Hustle or Shaolin Soccer. So what are we left with? A so-so Hong Kong knock-off of ET. Cept this alien, known as CJ7, moves a lot faster, and doesn’t have a glowing heart that will melt your own. Since you probably won’t fall in love with the shape-shifting fur ball, you may for his human counterpart, Dicky, a little poor boy who’s actually played by a little girl. He/she hits all the right notes, but it’s not enough sweet music to make up for the rest of the mediocre symphony

Hello Kitty: keep and eye and a thigh on cutie supreme Kitty Zhang Yuqi. she is a niiiiiiiice

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Penelope
Pig Slop
Trailers & Mo

Where to begin. The end credits. If only we could of. Urggggggggggggh!!!

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

The Bank Job & CJ7 open this Friday

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Other Boleyn Girl
Twisted Sisters
Trailers & Mo

We all know about the six wives of Henry VIII, but any other woman who shared his bed has basically been all but forgotten over time. That’s what The Other Boleyn Girl hopes to fix, as it focuses on Anne Boleyn and her sister Mary and how their father and uncle practically whored them both out to win the favor and riches of the King. The results are a mixed bag, as Boleyn plays out like a less sexy, less historic version of TV’s The Tudors. And by less sexy, we mean it has ZERO bits of nudity, quite unlike its TV cousin. Yet somehow, between the crummy accents and soap operatics, which made many a woman in the audience LOL, this puppy is totally entertaining from ftart to sinish. Btw, Jim Sturgess is so hottttttttttt as the Boleyn guy

The Other Other: back in 2003, the BBC released a cheap-o version starring Natascha McElhone

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

City of Men (Cidade dos Homens)
Favela of Love & Hate
Trailers & Mo

City of Men isn’t really a sequel to City of God, but more of a culmination of the TV series of the same name, which followed two kids, Acerola and Laranjinha (Li’l Dice and Steak and Fries from CoG), who try their best to keep their heads afloat in the nasty favelas of Rio de Janeiro. So if City of God was the Goodfellas for the 00’s, then City of Men is purty much the same thing that Casino was, a very worthy successor, yet not nearly as yumcredible as the original gangster. If you can get over that fact, then you’ll enjoy it for its own merits. We recommend watching the TV series before you hit up the movie, but it’s not required, like jackets for Phil Collins’ albums

In The Beginning: before there was City of Men and City of God there was the short film Palace II, which also starred our Men Douglas Silva and Darlan Cunha, although oddly enuff, playing the opposite roles

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

Chicago 10
Courtroom Drama and Comedy
Trailers & Mo

Documentarian Brett Morgen has the great ability to take a fascinating subject and somehow make it even more fascinating by the way he presents the story. For those who saw the Robert Evans doc, The Kid Stays in the Picture, you know what we speak of. And if you don’t then boy/girl, you better Netflix the shiz outta it AwarrenSAPP! Anywho, his latest, Chicago 10, is juss more of the same from the brilliant filmmaker. Employing archival footage, modern day music, and animation that grows on you by the minute, Morgen tells the incredible tale of the protests that turned violent around the 1968 Democratic National Convention being held in Chicago, and the ensuing courtroom circus, where 8 people (plus their two lawyers, and that’s your 10) were tried for conspiracy and other charges related to the protests. You aint seen anything like this, and heard too, as the toon’s voices are supplied by the likes of Nick Nolte, Mark Ruffalo, Roy Scheider (RIP), Liev Schreiber, Jeffrey Wright and Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

Further Reading: another flick that used the trial’s transcript was 1970’s The Great Chicago Conspiracy Circus

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

The Counterfeiters (Die Fälscher)
This Year’s Oscar Winning Holocaust Movie
Trailers & Mo

We didn’t find anything all too special about The Counterfeiters, but we heard it’s inhumane to say anything negative about a film that takes place in a concentration camp, so we’ll juss not say anything… cept… this never woulda won best Foreign Language pic had Diving Bell, Persepolis or 4 Months, 3 Weeks been nominated

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…