Thighs Wide Shut

The Uninvited
Répondez S’il Vous Plaîted Out, With A Side of Hotttt Sisters
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

lettuce be honest hear. there were only two reasons we saw this movie and one of them wasn’t that The Uninvited was a well shot, beautifully located, yet ultimately subdued and subpar remake of the Korean nightmareclusterfudge A Tale of Two Sisters (Janghwa, Hongryeon)

reason #1!

Emily Browning, that adorable girl with those luscious jackson lips that sink ships from Lemony Snicket, who we can finally talk dirty about cause the girl will be/is a woman soon/now finally/finally (aka, she’s legal seafood now!)

reason #2!

Arielle Kebbel, who has one of the moistest fun names to say, especially in her ear, when we’re giving her the old in-out, in-out. she’s always in crappy movies and we feel bad for her. we also feel her up

these sweet cheeked cheekie cheeks play sweet cheeked cheekie cheek sisters in The Sixth Sense The Hand That Rocks The Cradle What Lies Beneath The Uninvited. their dad is Edward R Murrow and he’s totally banging Elizabath ‘Apparently I Never Turn Down Any Script’ Banks. they don’t like her (we’re starting to feel the same way) and they think she killed their mumsy. the whole time we’re led to believe that Banks did kill their mums, but can it be as simple as that? or is there a twist heading our way that’s about as twisty as The Fat Boys’ cover of the Chubby Checker cover of the Hank Ballard and the Midnighters original song? or both? or neither?

who cares cause it’s all about the Browning-Kebbel eye and thigh candy up on the big screen. unfortch these aren’t the kinda sisters that take showers together to save time and the earth’s resources, so our consolation prize is one lil scene where they hold hands in bed. it’s nuttin to fax home about, but we haven’t been this eggcited by a bed sharing scene between two hotties we sweat more than the fat people sweat in Sweatin’ To The Oldies since The Quiet, aka the movie where TWO Her Royal Thighnesses (Cuthbest and Camilla Ring Our Belle) share a bed cause nature intended it! Speaking of Her Royal Thighnessesesses, our current one (that’s Leonor Watling, for those praying at home) juss gave birth to a bebé that isn’t ours so it’s off with her head!! while we search thigh and low for her replacement, the raw offices of Browning-Kebbel will fill in as temporary HRTs. which lady in weighting do you bee leave is moist deserving of sitting on the throne of Thighland and sitting on our face?

The Ending of a Don Era: although he’s in the movie for 8.6 seconds, The Uninvited marks the very last motion picture performance of our main man amongst Charles Mann, Don S. Davis. you may know him breast as Scully’s Dad or the other voice of Wild Bill or that dude from that show, but in our hearts and in our farts, he will always remain Major Garland Briggs

breast in peace Major!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges, although the chicks are BREAST IN SHOW!!

The Uninvited is currently playing at a theater new Jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Notorious
Revisiting The B.I.G.sty
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

To some (including thighselves), hearing the title Notorious will always conjure up images of Cary Grant outwitting Nazis in South America while winning the love of Ingrid Bergman, and for everyone else w/o an appreciation for one the Master of Suspense’s bestest films from his early Hollywood period (or who aint a fan of Duran Duran), it will apply to the film about the short but very productive life of one Christopher Wallace, aka Biggie Smalls, aka Big Poppa, aka The Notorious B.I.G. That life included ushering in NY’s hip-hop’s renaissance in the early 90s, battling wits and much more with West Coaster Tupac, and winning the love of millions and many women along the way. As a true life story, no one can touch the mystery and intrigue of Biggie’s, but as a movie, Cary Grant and co. will retain the rights as the mos notorious Notorious movie for all eternity (although both of them have nothing on Gretchen Mol’s thighopening performance in The Notorious Bettie Page). Not to say that hip-hop’s first biopic isn’t a crowd pleasing, hand swaying and head boppin’ night at the movies, cause it certainly is, but had this by the numbers recount (purty much devoid of the mystery and intrigue) been helmed by someone with a lil more sensitivity and a dash mo flash and class than what George Tillman Jr. handed in, then this trip down Biggie’s Bed-Sty memory lane coulda ended up a lil more memorable, something along the lines of Ray

Notorious goes down easy like drinking Gatorade, thanks in large part to the creditable acting performances by a bunch of nobodies, outside of Derek Luke, who puts a bit of humility into Sean ‘Puffy’ Combs, a man who couldn’t find humility even if he was looking at a dictionary that only contained the word ‘humility’. Jamal Woolard (aka Gravy)’s struttin and rhyme flippin in his embodiment of B.I.G.’s big body is dead-on (poor choice of a pun, but then again all of our puns are usually a poor choice), and you don’t even think for a second that he’s acting. It’s comes off as being completely natural, as is the work of Biggie’s actual son Christopher Jordan Wallace (who plays the young version of his poppa), Naturi Naughton (getting dirty and being dirty as Lil Kim) and Antonique Smith (keeping the Faith Evans). The ensemble effectively show us this Notorious figure’s life and times, but the film as a whole doesn’t necessarily breathe any new life after his death

Walk A Mile In His B.I.G. Shoes: TONY mag has created a DIY walking tour of Biggie’s old haunts in Bed-Sty

Naughty Naughton: yum, you is

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Defiance
Don’t Bother With These Brothers In Arms Way
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Here we go again with Edward Zwick‘s big camera and big lessons following the unyielding will of the underdog round the globe, past or present. It worked like a gangbusters gangbang with his Glory and Legends of the Fall, but every similar flick he’s made since then is heavier on the guts than the glory. The Last Samurai and Blood Diamond were both big and bold, but boorish and cold juss the same. Defiance falls in line with those last two, which makes this historical drama that partially covers the time line of the brothers Bielski (Daniel Craig, Liev Schreiber, and Billy Elliot) and their forest dwelling group of WWII Jewish freedom fighters (which led our friend to quip that this movie shoulda been called The Swiss Family Epstein) a crying defying shame. Zwick can’t decide if he wants his film to be as sobering as Schindler’s List or a Nazi shoot-em up fun fest like The Dirty Dozen. We couldn’t decide on whether to commend the actors for speaking in a poor quasi-Russian accent or to laff at em for trying the entire time. The only thing you need need to decide is to wait for the DVD, or don’t even bother and juss rewatch Munich, a much better Jews killing Jew-haters flick

Young Guns IIII: twas nice to see In Treatment‘s Mia Wasikowska on the big screen before she gets even bigger by playing Alice in Tim Butron’s Alice in Wonderland in 2010, but we wanna give a widethighs shout out to the fourth Bielski bro, played with bright eyes and an endless blank stare by lil George MacKay. This kid looks eggzactly like a young Roman Polanski, and w
e urge anyone who may be cinematically telling Polanksi’s life story, to let him be the not so noble Roman. And while we’re at it, let NSFWer Diora Baird play his slain wife Sharon Tate, Michelle Williams play Mia Farrow, Christian Slater play Jack and Bob Odenkirk play Charles Manson

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Notorious and Defiance are currently playing at a theater new Jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Curious Case of
Benjamin Button
Sew What?
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Yes, the idea of reverse aging is engaging. Yes, the special effects were both special and effective. Yes, the whole thing was gorgeous that we us gorged on it. Yes, that was one of the mos paramount uses of the Paramount logo (outside of Indiana Jones land). Yes, David Fincher is a Goliath of directing (and yes, he made the greatestestest movie of 2007). Butttz his ambitious 2008 project is simply that, ambitious and too much more. We hath questions. Why o’ y did it take 17 years in Tibet to tell a love story between a normally aging female (Cate Blanchett) and Mr Button (Brad Pitt), who’s slowly headed to diaperdom? Who’s able to invest any emotion in the said love story when mold grows on yer taint by the time where we’re actually suppose to invest our emotions? Movie needs a bailout more than GM. There’s too much sense-non leading up to that cruxy bit where our age-crossed lovers finally meet with Dick Goesinya. What’s that tugboat crap all about? It was more lost at sea than the entire pointlessness of Life Aquatic w/Steve Snoozesoo. Why does Buttons wastes his time and ours by trying to bed Wes Anderson? How comes the dude who got strucks by lightening 7 times has a life 7 times more curious than Benji? What’s the story with throwing Hurricane Katrina into the story? Where’s Julia Ormond been all our lives? How is it that Elle Fanning is slowly becoming a betterer version of her sister Dakota? Why did the guy who wrote the screenplay for Forrest Gump basically write a not as good Forrest Gump, and in turn toss aside the juicy elements from F Scott Fitz’s original short story? Wasn’t this movie better when it was called Big Fish (a thighly underrated flick)? How come we never get an explanation as to Ben’s backwards ways? Why didn’t Fincher juss make this a 90 minute movie and make Zodiac a 19 hour movie? And moist importantly, what has Kuato been doings to pass the thyme in between his Total Recall and Curious gigs?

The Watch, Man!: you’ll be more entertained by looking at this classic backwards Goofy watch (a watch we once owned as a kid) than by watching Ben Butt age backwards

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Ben B is currently playing at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Che
An Empty Che Stadium
Trailers & Mo | Official (Japanese) Website

Part I: The Argentine
Unwelcome To The Jungle

In Part 1 of Steven Soderbergh‘s two part Che movie, Che is in Cuba helping Cubans overthrow other Cubans who don’t have cool facial hair like they do. The main dude leading these revolutionary Cubans is Fidel Castro. He’s played by the Mexican dude on Weeds. Che is played by Benicio Del Toro. Che wasn’t Cuban. Neither is Del Toro. Che was from Argentina. Del Toro is from Puerto Rico. Del Toro was born to play Che. Much more so than Omar Sherif. He looks the part. He is the part. The part can’t save the whole. Soderbergh wasn’t born to direct a Che movie. You learn absolutely nothing about Che. Nada. Nunca (OK, you do learn that he has asthma). Guess it’s not that type of movie… that type of movie that mos people would rather see where it tells the entire extraordinary story of an extraordinary man, not repetitive chapters in one long jungle book. We see Che. We see Che with people. The peoples listen to him. He’s usually in the jungle, building Gilligan’s Isle type dwellings, teaching people how to read, treating sick people cause he was a doctor. He hides in the jungle. He eats in the jungle. He poops in the jungle. We don’t see him poop. Think of anything goings on in a jungle and Che did it. This part of Che is 58% jungle. 29% takes place in NY. The NY percentile was shot in black and white and Che is red all over… cause he’s a Communist! Nothing against jungles, but the NY bits are the most bittable bitties. Back in Cuba guns are fired. People are shot. Che and co take over cities. Catalina Sandino Moreno shows up. She worships Che. We worship her. She’s full of grace. She gives nice face. We’re bored. Crap, there’s a second part? It better be better than this part that isn’t so better!

Back In The Che: the early exploits of Che’s life were put on display in the solid Gael García Bernal starring Motorcycle Diaries. After watching the film we were thirsty for mo Che and wanted to see another movie that continued the rest of the story. Soderbergh wasn’t able to fulfill that wish (or our other wish for him to stop working with Julia Roberts in general). Spanfulkly there’s always Wikipedia to fall back on when films fail to inform us of things we want to be informed on

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinking Badgers

Part II: Guerrilla
Borelivia

Part II is not better than ezra or Part I. If you muss see one part of this monster(ous) film, see Part I and skip Part II. Part two has no NY distractions to split up the action. The action in Part II is 98% of Che doing the same exact things that he was doing in the jungles of Cuba but now he’s doing them in the mountains of Bolivia, but with less disciples and less success. Why is he here? Do people want him here? Do they juss wanna join the Che Guevara Cool Facial Hair Club For Men? Dunno. Never really explained well. Lola from Run Herself Run is in it. She’s a foreigner called Tania helping the cause (see ‘Patty Cakes’ below). Why? No clue. Back to the mountains. Che is walking. Che is talking. Che is taking a dump. Sorry, you don’t get to see any dumps in Part II either. You do get to see Catalina Sandino Moreno, but only for like 8 seconds. You don’t get to see her naked, or poop. What a waste. This second part is so beyonds borings and thunderdome that it makes Wendy & Lucy look like a movie where Jason Statham puts porters in trans! You know Che movie is mad sleepy and hollow when you want Che to die within the first 1/2 an hour of a 3290493 hour movie cause then the movie would be over. You walk away from this epic snoozefest and can’t figure out if Che was a good or a bad man. You actually can’t figure out anything about Che other than he was able to live better in nature more better than the Swiss Family Robinson. Why is this movie (when seens together as one) 4 +++ hour longs and filled with basically nothings? Cut out 4 of them hours and the +++ minutes make a hamazin short movie! Oh yeah, Matt Damon cameos in this part. Luckily Scott Caan doesn’t appear. On second thought Scott Cann could have brought some funs to Bolivia. We want Sodbergh flicks more like Bubble, not like ones that burst

Patty Cakes: kidnap victim-turned Symbionese Liberation Army sympathizer Patty Hearst took on the nom de guerre of Tania, in honor of Che’s helper friend chick. Skip this Guerrilla flick and instead czech out the doc Guerrilla, all about Patty’s plight

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Che is currently playing as one long arsed movie in NY/LA for one week only. It will open as two movies in major cities on 1/9/09 and then elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Wendy And Lucy
Bare Bones
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Girl named Wendy (Michelle Williams) on way to Alaska. She has short haircut and is sad (Heath’s death?). Her car breaks down not in Alaska. She have no money. She seem have no family or support. Gets arrested for shoplifting. Loses beloved dog (Lucy). Searches for dog. Sometimes walks places. Sometimes takes bus. Don’t want to ruin anything but she finds dog. Meets people along way. One is nice old guy with bushy eyebrows who guards parking lot (Wally Dalton). He wise. If he so wise why he have such shitty job? Will Patton in movie. Why? Dunno, definitely not for money cause movie made on $4 budget. Trailer alot like SherryBaby’s, cause it be touting the brave acting performance over everything, that cause there aint nuttin else. Is movie Arty? Yes. Boring? As balls! If see, bring pillow, but no need bring sleep medicine. Movie coma inducing enuff as is. We actually napping whilst writing this cause remembering movie make us tired… tired of arty farty movies that borings us to deaths. Michelle Williams is great though, but haircut even greaterer. Movie where she loses dog, finds dog, doesn’t eat hot dog, not so great. Movie directed by lady who made Old Joy. Haven’t seen it, but after dog movie, don’t really care to. Excuse please, must go back to sleep

Stand, Ubu, Stand! And Be Proud: we’re still waiting for a movie to be made about UBU Productions and its beloved dog of the same name. That logo be the 10th bestest of all thymes according to yours drooly

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

W&L opens in NY today, LA on Friday and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…