Thighs Wide Shut

Terminator Salvation
Nothing… But Skynet
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Terminator Salvation is a video game disguised as a 4th rate James Cameron movie, that looks like Mad Max battling the Transformers, which should not be confused with Mad Rex vs The Transmorphers, and ultimately is a clumsy, herky-jerky eggscuse for an extension of the franchise that no one was really asking to be extended. Twas the same story for T3 and that Fox TV show that juss got axed, so however you feel about those, you’ll probably feel the same for this latest big screen misadventure. It’s not at all bad, cause how could robots with evil red eyes shooting guns at people be boring, but then again, it’s not anything you’ll be reminiscing about for years to come, let alone weeks, let alone the day after. Salvation is fittingly directed by McG, who’s well at home in the world of harebrained shoot em ups (Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle still stands as one of our moist flavorite guilty pleasures of this decade) and short attention-spanned music videos (he helmed every single one of Sugar Ray’s + many other ‘fun’ bands)… although his We Are Marshall was totally lovable (Matthew McConaughey needs more movies like that, and less of ones starring Kate Hudson). Anywho, his direction is fine (and so is the acting), and it doesn’t stand in the way of the movie’s real problem: the plot… as in, what plot?

OK, here’s how it goes (don’t read if you don’t want to know how basic and sparse the plot hactually is): a bad prisoner dude (Sam Worthington, who we called ‘a mulleted Pierce Brosnan’ in our review of the Abbie Cornish game hen pic Somersault) donates his body for future use and then one day wakes up in the future and the future is not like the past cause it’s the future and it’s post-Judgment Day (bi the gay, when are we ever going to see a Terminator movie about the actual Judgment Day itself, with endless mushroom clouds and mushroom pizza? gr8 point OviWani!)! He meets a young KYLE REESE!! (Anton Yelchin, being ruff and tuff for once, and makin it believable!) and a faux-Newt (Jadagrace, the first black child actor to appear in a big budget film over the past 3 years that isn’t one of Will Smith’s kids). They try to run away from the robots with guns, but it’s hard cause they’re robots with guns. The robots catch up with them and take Kyle and faux-Newt as prisoners back to Skynet HQ. The dude heard John Connor (Christian Bale in full unhappy mode) on the radio talk about how today’s robots aren’t as cool as Daft Punk and so he sets out to find him. He does, with the help of yummy Moon Bloodgood, and then talking happens, and more talking, and some punches and stuff and then Bryce Dallas Howard tends wounds and then Common makes little sense. John Connor sez they have to go to Skynet to save Kyle Reese, but resistance leader Michael Ironside (in a submarine for no reason) doesn’t want to save anyone, including this movie. You can probably guess where it goes from here (the movies don’t revolve around Michael Ironside and whatever he wants to do), and that folks, is the whole movie. Maybe Saving Private Reese woulda been a more apropos title. Roll credits. Oh yeah, we forgot to mention Helena Bonham Carter is Big Brother and there are some motorcycles that are kinda like those Star Wars‘ droidekas. and morer importanter…

Overuse Your Illusions: The Governator does indeed make a cameo, well sorta, since about 98% of ‘him’ was 1s and 0s (they imaged his face onto this guy’s body). alas, the bestest cameo, and perhaps bestest part of the whole movie was the use of Guns N’ Roses’ T2 classic theme ‘You Could Be Mine’ (to this day, we’re still trying to finger out what ‘bitch slap rappin’ and a ‘cocaine tongue‘ have to do with the annihilation of man by machines). anywho, tis quite sad that Earl Boen, who appeared in the first three Ts, wasn’t able to make it 4 times a smarm

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

T4 opens at a theater near jews today… yes, on a Thursday, which is totally sweet and we hopes Hollywurst continues to release shiz a day earlier than usual cause it rox more than Brian Cox licking his own coccyx

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Tyson
Uppercuts & Downercuts
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

A Mike Tyson documentary that doesn’t bother to mention his 8-bit/5th-best NES classic Punch-Out!! (or Michael Scott’s prank phone calls for that splatter) is an automatic failure. James Toback‘s Tyson doesn’t go there, but if we can get over that faulty fact, then you’ll probably be able to too, cause this profile straight from the horse’s mouth of the Last Lord of The Ring is the funniestest and moist touchingestest movie we’ve seen since Gran Torino. What can we say, we love a man of words, even if their racist (Eastwood’s Asian barbs are still boning are funny) or malapropped 8 days a week (Tyson twice made playful use of the word ‘skulduggery‘… btw, bestest Tyson quote of balls thyme: ‘I guess I’m gonna fade into Bolivian‘). If yer looking for an in-depth look back at his life and career, you may want to look elsewhere, cause this doc aint about depth of facts, but of feelings, and you’ll be feeling his pain, from the punches in the ring, to the ones that came from outside of it. Regardless of what you think of him going in, you’ll feel sympathy for this devil coming out, and maybe, juss maybe, you’ll let him eat your children

They Got Game: play Nintendo/Tyson’s Punch-Out on-line + Sega’s James ‘Buster’ Douglas Knockout Boxing (which sold about as many copies as minutes of fame he had) too!!

Verdictgo: sure, it runs a lil long, even at 90 minutes, but this shiz is totes pelling-com, so low end Breast In Show, but Breast In Show lessthenone

The Informers
Walking On Empty
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Bret Easton Ellis is ell a gifted and talented writer. The movies made from his books haven’t been so gifted, even if they’ve been loaded with talented people (we don’t care what you say, American Psycho the movie SUCKED when compared to American Psycho the book, which has gotz to be one of the greatestest American novels ever written, so eat it Faulkner!). His loosely connected short storied Informers (another book we hactually read) unfortunately continues this trend, leaving the likes of Billy Bob Thornton, Mickey Rourke, Winona Ryder, Lou Taylor Pucci, Rhys Ifans, hot newcomer Jon Foster, and the ageless Chris Isaak, with not much to do, cept sit around and look beautiful and bored, as their shallow and vapid characters are unseamlessly being tied together. You’ll probably be more bored than they are (although we weren’t bored by perky cutie Cameron Goodman). We knew it wasn’t working as we were watching it, yet it did kinda sorta stick with us after we left the theater (doesn’t 12 minutes afterwards count for something). You can skip it (along with its poster, which has gots to be worstest poster of the year), and instead watch the hammazin unrated trailer again and again, and pretend, like us, that the movie rocks the cashbar. It’s really sad that Brad Renfro‘s final performance ever will best be known as that movie where Amber Heard’s NSFW scenes are better seen than anything else seen or heard from within

Keeping You Well Informed: never 5get the best/wurstness that is Snow’s ‘Informer’ [d|vid] + the Jim Carrey parody, which isn’t as thighlarious

Verdictgo: Very Little Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Tyson & The Informers are both currently playing in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

the Thighbeca Film Festival scaled back this year, and so did wees, only taking in 4 movies. it woulda been 5, but we skipped one so we could watch game 1 of Caps/Pens, which based on how un-great the films we saw were, was totally the right call

Breast In Fest

n/a

Jeepers Worth A Releasers

Soundtrack For A Revolution
[website | trailer]

There are tons of documentaries about the Holocaust, but not that many about the Civil Rights movement. They say Jews control the media, so lettuce juss leave it at that. It’s been a long arsed time since we were happily forced to watch the mammoth 14-part series Eyes On The Prize in high school, so it was with great pleasure to take a fresh look at the Civil Right movement with Soundtrack For A Revolution. The doc aims to spotlight the spiritual and peaceful fight songs of the movement, with modern day musicians playin the tunes in a studio (The Roots, John Legend, Wyclef, Joss Stone, etc), but it’s basically an excuse to retell the stories of the major marches, acts of civil disobedience, and rise and fall of MLK Jr. There’s nothing wrong with that, as we hope the big name artists will help to open new ears and eyes to a part of American history that needs to be retold over and over

release date: unknown, but will play at this year’s Cannes FF

Sum Merit But
No Stinkin Festival Badges

Stay Cool
[trailer not available]

We loves ourselves some Polish brothers. Aint talking about siblings from the European country, but the twins Mark (the actor/writer) and Michael (the director), whose unique brand of quirkiness doesn’t always hit a home run with us, but we still like to watch them play. Their latest venture has ‘Breastest Movie mt EVERest’ written all over it, solely based on the cast and crew. Mark plays Henry, a successful writer who has returned home to deliver his high school’s graduation commencement speech. His parents are still nutty and treat him like a kid (played with such welcome back bestness by Dee Wallace, aka the mother from E.T., and Michael Gross, aka the father from Family Ties), his friends who still live in the area are beyond fruity (Sean Astin and Lost‘s Sawyer), and not much has changed in the hallowed hallways of his school (Chevy Chase is still the hapless principal, Frances Conroy is still the meanie teacher, and girls are still hot… Hilary Duff fills this role quite well). Henry has forever been pining for his ye old crush (Winona Ryder, who is everyone’s real life ye old crush, right?), and wouldn’t you know it, she’s also back in town! Henry makes up for lost time and finally makes his move on her. How the rest of it plays out is passable, but it did feel a bit too restrained. We were dying to love this movie, but the bros Polish never gave us the chance to fully embrace it. It had a Napoleon Dynamite vibe goings, yet w/o any of its TNT for awesomeness. An effin and geein shame

release date: unknown, although this would totally be an OK flick to watch on IFC if you stumbled upon it

Doesn’t Even Belong
In A Poop Festical

The Exploding Girl
[website]

We also loves ourselves sum Zoe Kazan, and we were mad eager beaver cleaver to see the film in which she won the festival’s Best Actress prize for. And after seeing sleeping thru this borefest and 5/9ths (with ZERO EXPLOSIONS!!!), which showcases not much of her acting, juss sum frowns and an occasional smile, we have to ask, was she the only actress nominated? This movie is so snoozetastic that it makes Wendy & Lucy look as fast & furious as a Jan de Bont flick! whatevs dot snore, cause we still loves you like crazyzz Zoe!!

release date: hopefully never, unless used to treat insomnia

Salt of This Sea
[trailer]

Films being told from the Palestinian point of view are becoming more of a common thing these days and so far the results have been well worth watching (Lemon Tree and Paradise Now). Salt of This Sea is not one o
f them films worth watching. It’s super long, when it only needed to be 8 minutes long, and its main character, a Brooklynite girl with displaced Palestinian roots returning to the homeland, is so unsympathetic and purty pathetic that it’s hard to even want to view her point. Even if you do care for her, you won’t care for the film after the bank robbery scene, which is so unnecessary and redonkeypunched

release date: hopefully never as well, unless used as a Guantanamo Bay torture device

we saw a screening of Easy Virtue, starring Justin Timberlake’s girlfriend, and will review it when it comes out in a few weeks

hear are recaps from Thighbeca years past:
2008, 2007, 2006 and 2005, sorta

until next year’s fest, the balcony is clothed

I Love You, Man
Stop Yourself If You Think That You’ve Seen This One Before
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Like moist peoples, we loves ourselves some Paul Rudd, hispecially since he plays the same olde dependable Paul Rudd in every movie he’s in. Mostly he’s excelled as a supporting player, and I Love You, Man finds him in the driver’s seat for the second time (following last year’s hum-ho dumb and numb Role Models), and while he tries his best to carry this movie, there’s no weight to be found for him to drag upon his shoulders. Man is nothing…. but a simple peek into what life would look like if Rudd hung out with a more spontaneous version of Jason Segel‘s Jason Segel character from the also forgettable, Forgetting Sarah Marshall. The rest of the cast is incredible on paper, but on screen, they’re either underused (Rudd’s family, consisting of J.K. Simmons, Jane Curtin, Andy Samberg) or overdone (the two guys from The State). A quality comedy is suppose to make you laff from start to finish, and outside of 10 funny billboards that appear 90+ minutes into it, Man doesn’t even have enuff quality laffs to even be considered a comedy (no sirprize coming from the guy that brought us the soft Along Came Polly). It’s like watching a Judd Apatow flick written by Judd from The Real World and rewritten by Judd Hirsch (speaking of, how come he never played David Berkowitz in a movie? they’re bitched at swirth fivereals!). Look, we know you’ll love this movie cause you’re a sucker for sucker stuff, but we’re tough cookies when it comes to comedies, and when we don’t laff, we don’t laff. And we laffed often during The Love Guru, so take that for whatever it’s mrs butterworth’s

Office Mates: Rudd’s wife to be is played by Dunder Mifflin alum Rashida Jones, who is also joined in the flick by Scratonites Mr Brown and the Benihana girl that Michael put a Sharpie X on

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

I Love You, Man is currently playing at a theater near Jews

Watchmen: Tales of the Black
Freighter & Under the Hood
You Keep Makin’ Watchmen Stuff, We’ll Keep Watching, Man
[Trailer]

Sick of the Watchmen yet? Didn’t think so. After watching the film twice, as well as the Motion Comic on DVD twice, we needed something else Watchmen related to watch once, if not twice. Watchmen: Tales of the Black Freighter & Under the Hood (avails on DVD & Death Ray) fills this Watchmen jones twofold. First is the cartoon version of the pirate comic within Watchmen‘s comic. We weren’t huge fans of it in the books, but as a stand alone adventure, voiced by Zack Snyder alum Gerard Butler, it’s a nice way to waste 25 minutes. The real sizzle on the disc is the longer running fauxumentary featuring Hollis Mason and his Under The Hood tell-all novel. It’s a muss watch for those thirsting for more precious minutes of the men and women of The Minutemen, who barely got any screentime in the film

Chasing Ghosts
High Scores Score High!
[Trailer | Official Site]

Did you see The King of Kong? The only answer to that question is ‘yes’, but regardless you need to watch the munch butter kings of the arcade doc Chasing Ghosts. When? NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NO
W NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW. tis not avails on DVD, so you muss catch/DVR it on Showtime. That’s an order!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Great Buck Howard
Turning Tricks Into Treats
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Writer/Director Sean McGinly was once a novice road manager for mentalist Simon Baker The Amazing Kreskin, and he has channeled his brief experiences with him as the inspiration for his purty darn great flick The Great Buck Howard, with John Malkovich in the slight of hand title role and Colin Hanks walking a mile in his own shoes. The two crisscross America’s nooks and crannies (with a big stopover in Cincinnati, where Steve Zahn and his mustache rule!), playing sparsely filled theaters, as Hanks lends moral support to needy Malkovich and his (hilariously) outdated shtick. As a performer, Buck’s still got it after all these years, but he’s about 3 steps away from becoming as completely delusional as Norma Desmond. Hanks’ straight man role is a thankless one, and one the movie may have been better off saying no thanks to. We know why the role exists, but anything that has to do with his character (including having his father, not so shockingly played by Tom Hanks, pop up for no real reason, and a budding romance with an unusually restrained Emily Blunt) stands in the way of Malkovich’s brilliant show. As of late, Malko’s been laffable as a dramatic actor (did anyone take him seriously in The Changeling? wait, did anyone see The Changeling?), and hamazing as a comedic one (Colour Me Kubrick, Art School Con, etc), and so it’s an absolute pleasure to see him continue on the latter’s path… unless of course it’s a Rowan Atkinson movie

The Winslow Boy: there be some mad quailty cameos within the film, but we demand more than cameos for our boy Michael Winslow. watch his Star Wars thingie and then tell me that this man of many talents doesn’t deserve more work and love?

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Hunger
Not Very Appetizing
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

IRA member Bobby Sands (Michael Fassbender) led a famous hunger strike at a Northern Ireland prison in order to gain attention for his movement, and specifically regain Special Category Status for him and fellow political prisoners. Steve McQueen‘s (not that Steve McQueen) Hunger chronicles his incarceration and lack of eating, which ultimately resulted in his death/martyrdom. Watching this gauntly grueling process of decomposition is no fun at all. All movies don’t have to be fun, but we got the point early on in the picture and didn’t really need to sit thru the rest of the pain and suffering. It was like watching The Machinist all over again, and if yer like us, that was an experience not worth repeating

Glutton For Punishment: Fassbender’s a big fan of taking a beating. if yer looking for more of it, but something that’s a lot more fictional and a lot more entertaining, then czech out the low-budget horrorish flick Eden Lake, where a bunch of teens terrorize him and his girlfriend. it’s like Deliverance, but with chavs instead of southern yokels

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinking Badges

Hunger opens in NY only today, while Buck Howard mentals it up in limited release and on VOD

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…