Thighs Wide Shut

Pandorum
PanBORDEM
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

We love films. We also love movies. Ideally, every film or movie we see should end up being the breastest ever, but it never works out that way. We were away in Detroit this past weekend and had a coupla hours to kill on Saturday in between overeating, gambling and looking at art (pics to cum!). There aren’t a lot of cinehouses in the downtown area, so the one we went to, The Ren Cen 4, will now and forever be our litmus test for knowing what currently playing movies are truly awful. Our choices were Fame, Jennifer’s Body, I Can Do Bad All By Myself and Pandorum. My personal vote was for none of them, second choice was hanging myself with yer dad’s cock, third was Fame, and fourth being Jennifer’s Body, although don’t know if my ears have healed yet from the last time them encountered Diablo Cody’s dialog. Somehow me was vetoed and Pandorum ended up being the pick. Even though watching our belovededed Washington Redskins give the Lions their first win since the winter of 2007 was worser than a back alley abortion covered in microwaved tunafish juice, thrice covered in homeless man’s urine and poop smell, it still wasn’t as unbearable as Pandorum was. It was so unwatchable that we actually stopped watching about 40 minutes in, and did something we’d NEVER do while sitting in a movie theater (and you too should never do this either, you annoying f%cks that do do it): turn on our thighphone and start dicking around with it. Wasn’t a total loss, as we made good use of the time and sifted thru our backlog of Google News Alerts and eBay Saved Searches (although we didn’t end up bidding on this Amblin Entertainment jacket). Congratulations Sherman’s Way, you’ve officially been replaced as the biggest big screen misadventure to insult every part of our body in 2009!

Everyone’s A Critic: not only is the Ren Cen 4 the Ark of the Covenant when it comes to currently playing Repoopulousnessness, but it’s staff is well trained in the fine art of movie comparisons

Verdictgo: Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous

Pandorum is currently something claiming to be a ‘movie’ playing at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Time Traveler’s Wife
Time Keeps On Slipping
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

The impossible has become possible! Somehow Robert Schwentke‘s Time Traveler’s Wife, adapted from Audrey Niffenegger‘s debut novel, is a story about time travel that somehow is completely pointless, uneventful and out-flat boringzzzzzz. We haven’t been this dismayed and coma induced with a time travel flick since Marty & Doc didn’t get so wild in the westward ho-bag that was Back To The Future Part III (don’t get us started, so we’ll stop ourselves there). Yes, we understand that TTT’sW is less about the travel and more about the troubled romance between the oft absent traveler (Eric Bana) and his patient, who grows inpatient, and returns to being somewhat patient wife (Rachel McAdams), but that’s no eggscuse for misusing one of the illest story devices known to man juss to make women cry. We also like it a lot more when it was called Journeyman, a show where plenty of stuff happened, and a show that was unfairly canceled way too quickly. Our main problem with TTT’sW is that there’s no real reason as to why Bana’s jumping around the years, other than the fact that he has a genetic defect, which is never fully explained beyond that point. The secondary problem is that the romance between Bana and McAdams never gels from the get go (it was right down creepy when an adult Bana first meets McAdams as a child and starts to tell her things about their future together), so every inch of their relationship that follows onscreen didn’t work for us tat all. Not even brief cameos by Bana or McAdam’s butts could make something out of this nothing. We’re sure women will enjoy this minor weepie, a heckuva lots mores then the mens, but yer all better off staying at home and rewatching one of these timeless love affairs that pack a lil more bite instead: Peggy Sue Got Married, Time After Time and Somehwere In Time (although we’ve never seen it, we hears it’s a winner). Of course if you do get dragged, you have every right to drag her to hell see District 9

It’s About Time: here’s another easy way to get the stale taste of TTT’sW out of yer mouths (for the 3982392th time)… 1.21 GIGAWATTS (REDUX)!!!!

Verdictgo: Slit Yer Eyes Out Reboringulous

TTT’s Wife stands still at a theater near jews today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Public Enemies
The Touchables
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Tommy guns, riding on the sides of cars and bank robberies rule the day, while hiding out, gettin drizunk and womanizing rule the night in Michael Mann‘s fun, yet not too deep look at the life of John Dillinger (a steady, but unspectacular Johnny Depp), his gangsta cronies (Faramir! Stephen Dorff!!!!!!!! + an electrifying, but little screentimed Stephen Graham as Baby Face Nelson) and the G-men who sought to bring them all down (anyone else getting sick of Christian Bale? + a scene chewing, James Cagney impression spewing Billy Crudup). Mann’s well suited for this job, having made many a memorable gun fight friendly ficks over the past 3 decades, and with a cast overloaded with talent and beauty (Marion Cotillard, John Ortiz (loves him), Branka Katic, Rory Cochrane, Carey Mulligan (loves her, and we lovesed her first!!), Giovanni Ribisi, Emilie de Ravin, Lili Taylor, Shawn Hatosy (he’s like a fake Brad Renfro), Leelee Sobieski & Channing Tatum, juss to name 1/16th of the cast), it’s a catastrophe of the highest order that the film looks like absolute hell. We aint talking about the costumes, hairdos, props or sets, cause they all are flawless, especially since they shot at the real locations, but wees talkin about how the film was shot using HD cameras and not ye olde film stock. That kinda 80s camcorder home video look worked to great effect with his gritty ditties Collateral and Miami Vice, but for a period piece like this, it almos ruined the whole affair. You probably won’t care or notice, but we certainly did, as any scene that included light bulbs or bright outdoor light resulted in a whoreriffic motion blur appearance that completely drove us insane mad batty crazy. Zodiac was also shot in HD, and that’s one of the mos beautiful, warm colored films we’ve ever seen, so what gives? C’mon Mike, next time be a Mann and make yer solid period piece movie look like a movie and not like a solid piece of shit

No Harmon No Foul: there have been several Dillinger related flicks that came before, but none of them sound that memorable, esp the TV one starring Mark Harmon, but we’re quite curious to take a look at John Milius’ 1973 entry, starring Warren Oates as JD + Ben Johnson, Michelle Phillips, Cloris Leachman, Harry Dean Stanton, and Richard Dreyfuss as Baby Face Nelson!!

Verdictgo: despite our moanin & groanin tis still Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Homecoming
A Futile Attraction
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

We pity poor Mischa Barton, and it has nothing to do with looking eggszactly like her brother Falkor. She left our beloved OC on her terms, the show fell apart w/o her, and her career fell apart w/o it (somewhere Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows are raised in disappointment). Most of her post-‘California, here we come‘ work has either gone straight to video or should have if it didn’t in the first place. Homecoming is yet another brick in her unwatchable wall that keeps growing by the year. In this amateurish movie, she plays Shelby, a girl stuck in her hometown with a mountain of debt and a mountain of love for her star quarterback ex-boyfriend (Matt Long), who shipped off to college months prior and already shacked up with a 90210 hottie mcgee (Jessica Stroup). Things come to a head, and a bore fest, when the b-friend & his new g-friend come home for… HOMECOMING and Barton thinks she can woo him back into her arms. Obviously that aint happening, and after some unhappy coincidences, Mischa traps her rival in her house, ties her up to a bed and drugs her aplenty. Sounds familiar? Yeah, we liked it too when it was called Misery, and this teen-y version is simply miserable. Sure wish that Annie Wilkes had chopped up the screenwriter of Homecoming to bits before one word of it had ever been put to paper. The only solution we see to turn around Barton’s fleeting career is to call on a voodoo priestess and bring Marissa Cooper back from the dead

Coop de Ill: there were two Marissa Cooper shirts we always wanted to get, but never did. the former Thighmistress got us this one, which always gets us odd looks by passersby (as do our manboobs)

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Died Young, Stayed Pretty
Poster Children
Official Website & Trailer

Posters sell and advertise stuff. Some are used to do just that for bands and their concerts (looky here at GigPosters.com for a ton of em). It’s an art form fo sho and the artists who art them art’nt necessarily swimming in riches and fame. Died Young, Stayed Pretty is a documentary aiming to give ’em some of dat recognition that they deserve, but it’s not nearly as interesting as director Eileen Yaghoobian‘s last name. After about 15 minutes, you get the entire picture, so for the rest of the time you get more of the same: look at this poster, OK, look at 32838 more, OK, now lets talk to the poster designer about designing them, OK, now repeat, repeat and poster, peat, re, designer, talk, poster, things, stuff, is this thing still on?, hey, there’s Frank Kozik, but why are they only talking to him for 8 seconds when he was like the semi-forefather to these poster peoples? repeat, repeat, more posters, chit chat, some wit here and there, even more posters, aiiight, wait, how come they’re only talking about today’s poster makers? what about a lil history, like the dudes in the 60s who started it all, like Milton Glaser? Oh yeah, he has his own separate doc, and peeps like Kozik and many others were dones up in another called American Artifact. So what’s the point of all this dying young and staying pretty? Don’t really know, but we think it has something to do with posters

Poster Haste: outside of movie posters and this set dedicated to Yiddish words, here lie our mos flavorite posters mt EVERest (with much respek to Uncle S & Rosie the R)

Verdictgo: for poster addicts only, so Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Enemies be already playings at a theater near jews, while Stayed Pretty gets ugly in NY only, and Homecoming will soon be leaving screens in NY, LA and KY?

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Girlfriend Experience
No Experience Necessary
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Remember how boring 998/999^ths of Soderbergh’s Che was? Well at least that movie had guns, a story, beards, revolution and Catalina Sandino Moreno. Nerderbergh has returned small time to his small pictures and the resulting Girlfriend Experience is mildly more amusing than the unamusing Full Frontal exercise, but not even close to being in the same breath as the major of his minor leagues, the fantastic Bubble, which is without question his bestest movie (long live Misty Dawn Wilkins!). Look, being a call girl escort prostitute (acted in the film with the skill of a porn actress by… porn actress Sasha Grey) in reality probably isn’t all that interesting, endlessly listening to guys talk about their boring Wall Street jobs or Steve Jobs or Job 3:16 or Dirk Calloway spying on Mr. Blume and Miss Cross giving each other hand jobs, all while giving her Johns whatever kinda job they want, and dealing with a boyfriend who can’t deal with the fact that she’s a call girl escort prostitute, but ya wanna know what, the flick didn’t have to be at all boring… or edited out of sequence for no better reason than to take yer mind off at how boring it hactually is. Have you seen Secret Diary of A Call Girl? Answer yes and you can skip Girlfriend Experience cause then you already know how entertaining the life of a call girl escort prostitute can be, and if the answer is no, cause only 9 people have Showtime, then do yerself a flavor and watch the loose lipped Billie Piper show and still skip Girlfriend Experience… even though we did loves ourselves the brief but brilliant onscreen work of Premiere‘s Glenn Kenney (and Thighs Wide associate Ben Finklestein) more than the entire body of this work that doesn’t work. It’s not a movie, it’s an exercise in making 78 minutes feeling like the 330 minuted 1927 Napoléon epic. Yes, Napoléon is the only film longer than Benjamin Button

Hurl Grey: we had so much trouble finding really naughty pictures of Ms Grey, so may we present to you the sauciest pic of her from the internet’s lot

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Girlfriend is currently playing in limited release, but can be seen right at home on Video On Demand, but this is one video you don’t want to demand

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Fast & Furious
Not So Fast and/or Furious
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

We knew going into the definite article-less Fast & Furious that it wasn’t going to be a David Lean film, but this mindless entertainment wasn’t even close to being as mindless or entertaining as it needed to be. You’d think a fourth installment of anything would constitute everything gettin bigger and badder, so why throw yer thirsty audience something weaker and worser? There be many things mad wrong with this movie, and it really has nothing to do with Paul Walker‘s lack of acting chops or his crisps or Vin Diesel‘s ribbed shirts, for her pleasure. There’s way too much pointless plotting (leave the drug cartel bidness bustin up to Crockett & Tubbs) and way too few car chases and crashes. We don’t care about the drivers, we care about what they’re driving, and the skinny bizatches who get wet when they’re revved up. Speaking of, there was way too little Michelle Rodriguez and Jordana Brewster lesbian shower scenes. Actually there were none, but that doesn’t piss us off as much as the wrongest thing about this whole thing: the film wasn’t called 4 Fast 4 Furious. No one takes this shiz seriously, so why not name it 4F4F? As a franchise looking to the future, The Fast & The Furious mos def has wheels, albeit ones that looks mighty tiresome. Hopefully they’ll get it right next time, and at least call it 5 Fast 5 Furious

Gal Pal: meat Gal Gadot, a former Ms Israel who be mad ga-hot!!!

Verdictgo: not sirprizing, but nonetheless still disappointed that it’s Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous

4 Fast 4 Furious is currently playing at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…