Thighs Wide Shut

Rent
I’ll Try My Best To Be Lien-ient
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Broadway’s mos flavorite HIV send up of Puccini’s La Boheme has finally arrived on the big screen, but someone shoulda sent an eviction notice to the people who greenlit it long before it ever got there. Rent, the movie flat out juss doesn’t work. Sure, the songs shine, and so does Rosario Dawson in strip tease naughtiness, but there’s nothing at all cinematic about it. You sit there and start thinking that if this movie is so darn cheesy, annoying, and recockulous that maybe the original source material blew goats as well. I know this firsthand not to be true since I’ve seen its brilliance on the London stage. Therefore, we have one person to blame for the jazz hands, but no jazz: cpt vanilla filmmaker himself, Chris Columbus. The man excels at playing it safe. Remember the first two Harry Potter flicks? I’m sure you did, until you were blown away by the third joint, and then started throwing up yer copies of the DVDs on Half.com. I mean why make a movsical if yer not gonna improve somehow on the original stage production? Phantom of the POOOPera anyone? Although I found it to be a bit overrated, at least Chicago had some spunk, and enuff of the greatest sorority ever in saucy outfits that would make you spunk. What you gots Rent? NOTHING. I wish you were squatters, so I could come to yer squathole and squat over you and POOP on your head. Stop singing or dying and get an effin job… or a better director. If one good thing can come out of this whole shitspearance its the chance that people will go to IMDB and figure out that Mark Cohen was played by the same dude who played Daryl Coopersmith in, oddly enuff, Chris Columbus’ best effort, Adventures in Babysitting. Anywhozitz, will someone peas slit mine eyes out before I get conned into seeing The ProBOOcers? I’ll even let you touch my low-brow eye brows in the process!!

Recommended for those who like: An East Village faker than the one in Eyes Wide Shut, the location of ThighsBart’s B-day shabang, and Thoth-like prayformances

Possible Porno Name: Rent… My Vagina By The Hour

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix a mo better po people musical with sorta less gayness, Oliver!

Further Fun: Is it juss me or is Wilson Jermaine Heredia (Angel) and A-Rod bitched @ swirth?

Ushpizin
Gentiles Need Not Apply
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THE bestest Sukkot movie I have ever seen. If you don’t know what that statement even means, please stay away. This is an Israeli flick that I believe would only appeal to Jews, or people who wish they were Jewish like Madonna, Whoppi Goldberg, David Duke, or Jews for Jesus. Ushpizin (aka ‘Visitors’) is hactually a simple, yet moving tale of an orthodox Jewish couple who desperately need a miracle of money (of course it revolves around money, they’re JEWS!!) in order to celebrate Sukkot, the holiday that commemorates the Jews’ ghetto-ass temporary dwellings in the desert AND really strange fruits like gourds. Once the sweet moola arrives, the couple are able to get all Sukkoted up and shiz. Then, unexpectedly, two escaped convicts, one who knew the male bearded orthodox Jew guy when he wasn’t so hairy, show up and test their wills, patience, and limits of brotherly love. Hilarity doesn’t ensue, but a lotta heartfelt moments do. I left the theater more Jewish than I did when I entered it. Maybe you will too. Now pass the effin matzah and latkes.

Recommended for those who like: beards, babushkas, and U2’s ‘Lemon’ [d-lode]

Possible Porno Name: UPushYourPenisIntoMyMouth

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Meet The Fockers

Further Fun: les wurstest ode to Sukkot + how do build yer own Sukkah

Until next time Sukkah MCs, the balcony is clothed

• What to do this tweakend? Well, if you’re me, you beg and bribe one of yer breastest friends, with Popeyes Fried Chicken thighs and back rubs, into taking you to the secret Beck show. I’m lookin in yer direction MEGBOT! Or should I brown nose a lil and say ‘MegHOT’? C’mon, I got us into that secret Annie show last night at the Try-Becca Grand!! That was almost as rock out with cock outable as when we saw t.A.T.u. perform on Carson Daly!! But for the rest of you squares, esp you NYCers, please do not waste yer time seeing…

Palindromes
ThismovieblowsgoatstaogswolbeivomsihT
Trailer

While Alexander Payne makes movies where you can identify with the characters and situations, Todd Solondz is on the other end of that spectrum. Solondz’es movies are filled with painful people, doing painful things, in the most painful situations that we all pray will never ever happen in our lifetimes. What is you forking deal bro? Did mumsy and daddy beat you with a sock filled with walnuts? Did your wicked uncle Ernie fiddle about with you? Out of his three previous flicks, Welcome To The Dollhouse, Happiness, and Storytelling, only that last one was remotely watchable, meaning I didn’t have to take 16 showers afterwards just to feel clean again. I was hoping that trend would continue here, but sadly (more like gladly) that was not the case. Solondz goes right back to ugliness that no one really needs to intake. Here’s the dreadful story this go around: an awkward young teenage girl named Aviva gets pregnant, parents force her to abort, then she runs away to discover… gawd knows what: pedophiles, religious crusaders, abortion doctor killahs, and a Partridge Familyesque collection of handicaps and mentally retarded kids. If that’s not enuff to make you slit yer eyes out w/out even seeing it, how bout the fact that the actress who plays Aviva, changes 7 or more times! First she’s a lil chubby black girl, then a dumpy white girl, then a skinny white girl with red hair, then some other white girl, then a huge-ass black girl, etc. and finally Jennifer Jason Leigh?!?!??? WTF? Egggzactly. Stay home and cut off your ears instead. That would be more enjoyable and you’d still have 10 bones in yer pocket.

Recommended for those who like: torturing themselves, the sound of fingernails on a chalk board, and Lyndie England’s hot bod.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix any other movie in eggsistance as I guarantee it’ll be better. [repost from Rocktober]

Anywho…

• Word has it that TWO FF bands will be performing at this year’s fantabulos & free River 2 River concert series: The Fab Faux (Beatles tribute band) and nun other den, los Fiery Furnaces. [via Manic Messiah]

• Take a peep at the next Gus van Sant movie I won’t be sitting thru: Last Days. Michael Pitt the ‘actor’ as a quasi-Kurt Cobain? Break out the razors u juss used for Palindromes, cause our eyes will need slitting. How could this be Lukas Haaaasable? [via K-Pecker]

• Wanna more comprehesive review of the MSG Duran Squared show with 98% less OMGs and more words? Click here.

• Ms Mod previews the new Stripes’ disc.

• The OC is filled with more irony than Michael Ironside reading Kornheiser’s Pumping Irony. Case example: playing Daft Punk’s ‘Technologic’ at Trey’s 21st B-day ecstacy bash, followed by LCrapD Soundsystem’s ‘Daft Punk Is Playing At My House’.

• Be the only person on earth to own a UW-Whitewater Warhawks sweater. Whilst there, u can also find one of the answers to this week’s umpossible crossword… which no one has yet to hand it. Tsk tsk, all over yer floppy disks.

• What was the #1 song on YOUR b-day? Sorry Debby Boone, but you don’t ‘Light Up My Life’. [via 1,2,3, Look @ Mr Lee. 3,4,5, look @ him jive!]

• I promise, THIS is the last Terri Schiavo-related thing I ever post! [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• April Golden Showers Bring My F$%king Urine All Over Your Effing Ooh-Jah!

• Ever wonder what me and the Mrs. do in our free time at Corn Palace? Besides being forced to watch hours upon zours of Cuthy’s highlight reels, 24 high-beam stizz included, we sometimes juss kick it and play Grambs‘ fav, Donkey Kongas! [link help via Juwanamaker/Brawny Man]