Thighs Wide Shut

and minus these other peeps (sorry for the belatedness of sum, but what does it matter since theys already dead)

Duke’s chances of bein bona fide lax rapists champions
Soul Fooding Momma’s House of Barbershop goes outta bidness
that other SF Kevin Mitchell, and Skin, doesn’t make the cut
Central Park riding academy rides into the sunset
Pat Hill who didn’t find his thrill on Lake Pontch
Colonel Sanders’ duds maker ripped at the seams
MLK Jr’s daughter marches on to the afterlife
another gay, Howard Hugheser flies no mo
Elvis’ songster aint nuttin but a dead dog
Mending Fences be broken, for good
LSU mascot is caught not alives no mo
Mr Excitement, not so eggcitin anymo
Motel 6er deep sixered
Right Stuffer to be stuffed
50s Tarzan slips from vine, life
Newharter’s old heart stops tickin
Corrales KO’d
and
Falwell falls ill, dies, spank the lord!
AND!!!!
Dischord Records’ postpaid goes postal on itself

Yours thighly cannot keep away from the fair city that is Bloomington, Indiana. In a little over a year, including this jaunt, I’ve hit Indiana’s only cultural hotspot a whoppin 3 times! Take that other Hoosier alumni! Last time on the IU, me gots to see my beloved Skins fall to the eventual world champs, and richard prior to that one, I sported my Redskins Cliff Engle sweater. No racist football club paraphernalia was on hand on this go around, but that didn’t stop the inevitable: my nauseous egg farts that cannot only clear a room, but a sidewalk. Yep, they be so nasty that they can even knock out people walking OUTDOORS! The pictures documenting this annual expedition are slowly becoming more popular than the ones taken on the red carpet at the Academy Awards. Well, that may not be true, but would you rather look at Jennifer Hudson wearing a midget jacket or my hands covered in a white sauce that doesn’t come from a penis?

Me & da crew had a gay olde thyme

about as gay as this hat

Sleaze Bo hadn’t been back in 10 years

but he didn’t fear
like Stephen Frears
looking into a mirror

even though things change
the song always remains the same

so gawd bless today’s students
for making a stand about those who do not stand!

Cliff Engle sweater fever will never die

and when I die I want to be buried in this sweater

and for your weak a$$ paint job

I will fist hump you!!

there was plenty of monkey bidness abound

a gorilla suit?
no, a gibbon suit!

poor Jeff Katz




although how can we feel bad
when every man who pee’s at Nick’s
will know his name and apparently the status of his cock

no one can stop my Masthole

or my a$$hole after eating everything but White Caslte

speaking of my toxic gas

the Village Pantry has
les bestest chicken salad sangwhich
in da land

and the Cresent

made me moon
as in pullin down me pants
and poop the 27839123478 donuts I inhaled
with pleasure!

mouth wide shut?
NEVER

for when it comes to eating
I’m the #1 slut

to you this Buffa Louie gooeyness may look gross

but to me, I say it’s art
and that you my friend are the one who’s morose!

The Academy Awards are beginning to reflect the movies they honor: they blow donkey balls like Kevin Smith! Without furtrher a poop…

Best Picture
Babel
The Departed
Letters from Iwo Jima
Little Miss Sunshine
The Queen

WINNER: Babel, but if Little Miss Sunshine does, I’ll never watch a movie again

Actor
Leonardo DiCaprio, Blood Diamond
Ryan Gosling, Half Nelson
Peter O’Toole, Venus
Will Smith, The Pursuit of Happyness
Forest Whitaker, The Last king of Scotland

WINNER: what, no love for the cast of Little Man? Oh wait, that’s the Razzies, so take a walk in the Forest Whitaker

Actress
Penélope Cruz, Volver
Judi Dench, Notes on a Scandal
Helen Mirren, The Queen
Meryl Streep, The Devil Wears Prada
Kate Winslet, Little Children

WINNER: Streep throat would make a great Supporting winner, but all hail the Queen AND the Redskins!

Supporting Actor
Alan Arkin, Little Miss Sunshine
Jackie Earle Haley, Little Children
Djimon Hounsou, Blood Diamond
Eddie Murphy, Dreamgirls
Mark Wahlberg, The Departed

WINNER: Eddie Murphy, although Kelly Leak would be a nice

Supporting Actress
Adriana Barraza, Babel
Cate Blanchett, Notes on a Scandal
Abigail Breslin, Little Miss Sunshine
Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls
Rinko Kikuchi, Babel

WINNER: remember, singing doesn’t = acting, but voters don’t know this so Jennifer ‘As Big As The’ Hudson

Director
Clint Eastwood, Letters from Iwo Jima
Stephen Frears, The Queen
Alejandro González Iñárritu, Babel
Paul Greenglass, United 93
Martin Scorsese, The Departed

WINNER: Make-up call time so tits your year Marty! Although to hell with Marty if he wins one cause Alfred Hitchcock never won one!!!

Foreign Film
“After the Wedding” Denmark
“Days of Glory (Indigenes)” Algeria
“The Lives of Others” Germany
“Pan’s Labyrinth,” Mexico
“Water” Canada

WINNER: I hear Water is wet but Pan can handle!!

Adapted Screenplay
Sacha Baron Cohen and Anthony Hines and Peter Baynham and Dan Mazer and Todd Phillips, “Borat Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan”
Alfonso Cuaron and Timothy J. Sexton and David Arata and Mark Fergus and Hawk Ostby, “Children of Men”
William Monahan, “The Departed”
Todd Field and Tom Perrotta, “Little Children”
Patrick Marber, “Notes on a Scandal”

WINNER: all are eggsalad choices but I think Tom and Todd will have a FIELD day!!

Original Screenplay
Guillermo Arriaga, “Babel”
Iris Yamashita and Paul Haggis, “Letters From Iwo Jima”
Michael Arndt, “Little Miss Sunshine”
Guillermo del Toro, “Pan’s Labyrinth”
Peter Morgan, “The Queen.”

WINNER: since it really won’t win anything but hype, the voters will give Lil Miss this win here

Animated Feature Film
“Cars”
“Happy Feet”
“Monster House”

WINNER: who cares, but the one with cars will DRIVE away with it

Art Direction
“Dreamgirls”
“The Good Shepherd”
“Pan’s Labyrinth”
“Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest”
“The Prestige.”

WINNER: Dreamgirls with Pan as a pastability

Cinematography
“The Black Dahlia”
“Children of Men”
“The Illusionist”
“Pan’s Labyrinth”
“The Prestige”

WINNER: Children of Bestness

Sound Mixing
“Apocalypto”
“Blood Diamond”
“Dreamgirls”
“Flags of Our Fathers”
“Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest.”

WINNER: Dreamgals cause they aint nominated in the following category…

Sound Editing
“Apocalypto”
“Blood Diamond”
“Flags of Our Fathers”
“Letters From Iwo Jima”
“Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest”

WINNER: one of the Eastwood flicks cause no one likes anti-Semites

Original Score
“Babel” Gustavo Santaolalla
“The Good German,” Thomas Newman
“Notes on a Scandal,” Philip Glass
“Pan’s Labyrinth,” Javier Navarrete
“The Queen,” Alexandre Desplat

WINNER: Glass, cause he’s never won one

Original Song
“I Need to Wake Up” from “An Inconvenient Truth,” Melissa Etheridge
“Listen” from “Dreamgirls,” Henry Krieger, Scott Cutler and Anne Preven
“Love You I Do” from “Dreamgirls,” Henry Krieger and Siedah Garrett
“Our Town” from “Cars,” Randy Newman
“Patience” from “Dreamgirls,” Henry Krieger and Willie Reale

WINNER: yuck. Vote against D-girls so go Melissa Etheridge!

Costume
“Curse of the Golden Flower”
“The Devil Wears Prada”
“Dreamgirls”
“Marie Antoinette”
“The Queen”

WINNER: to hell with Coppola so why not give Prada the love?

Documentary Feature
“Deliver Us From Evil”
“An Inconvenient Truth”
“Iraq in Fragments”
“Jesus Camp”
“My Country, My Country”

WINNER: it should be Jesus Camp but it’ll probably be the Al Gore show cause he invented the internet, documentaries, and Jesus

Documentary (short subject)
“The Blood of Yingzhou District”
“Recycled Life”
“Rehearsing a Dream”
“Two Hands”

WINNER: two hands… will clap for Blood In Zhang Ziyi’s Crotch!

Film Editing
“Babel”
“Blood Diamond”
“Children of Men”
“The Departed”
“United 93”

WINNER: United AIRLINES, even though that Discovery channel doc was far lake superior!!

Makeup
“Apocalypto”
“Click”
“Pan’s Labyrinth”

WINNER: you mean to tell me that CLICK can now call itself an OSCAR NOMINATED FILM??#@?@#?>@$ Pan I Am green eggs and SPAM!!

Animated Short Film
“The Danish Poet”
“Lifted”
“The Little Matchgirl”
“Maestro”
“No Time for Nuts”

WINNER: who isn’t nuts about deez nuts?

Live Action Short Film
“Binta and the Great Idea (Binta Y La Gran Idea)”
“Eramos Pocos (One Too Many)”
“Helmer & Son”
“The Saviour”
“West Bank Sto
ry”

WINNER: the Middle East is so out so lets roll the dice on Binta & The Jets

Visual Effects
“Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest”
“Poseidon”
“Superman Returns”

WINNER: boo, but Supes

Academy Award winners previously announced this year:

Honorary Award (Oscar statuette)
Ennio Morricone

WINNER: a close race, but Ennio Morricone will get a fist full of Oscars!!!

JEAN HERSHOLT HUMANITARIAN AWARD
Sherry Lansing

WINNER: the ghost of Sherry Palmer!

Join
Thighs’ Annual Oscar Pool!!
Group name: Kelly Leak Takes A Leak
Password: badnews
$10 entry fee
Winner takes all
(if there be a tie, the winner will be decided by a Jell-O pudding wrestlin match)
contact me for payment shazzle!!
(ps, my entry is ‘Pan’s Labium’)

Here were our early picks in the ’05 & the ’06

Twice again, inspired by the the greatestist single newspaper and sorta by the Bruno skit where one has to choose between giving Jack Black candy or cancer, I ice man giveth to you, what will be hottier and nottier than my shits in the ‘007

Casino Royale
More of A Turn Than A Flop, So Let This River Flow
Trailers & much mo

Like the Redskins looking to the future with Jason Campbell at the helm, the other biggest entertainment franchise of franchises has also decided to breathe much needed life into their own stale bag of chips. The name you know. It’s such an obvious name that the theme song to our her00’s latest adventure is simply called, ‘You Know My Name’. Bond, James Bond (for those who just arrived on planet earth), and before dirty blond/steely-blue eyed Daniel Craig got the starting nod from coaches Barbara Broccoli & Michael G. Wilson, this ship was headed for an iceberg or even worse, a Goldberg (I wonder if Kramer hates Jews too?)! Hell, one more Pierce Brosnan snoozefest and they coulda dropped the ‘7’ and juss leave us with Robert Parish’s jersey number, not just one zero, but two, showing you how devoid of greatness Bond had become.

Well, the wait is over and said wait was well worth it. And besides Thomas Crown the II being shown the door, the other single greatestest aspect of Casino Royale‘s release is that we can stop seeing the word ‘reboot‘ appear in magazines, newspapers, and whathaves you until they decide to ‘reboot’ the Leonard Part 6 franchise (btw, even though I have 2.6% filmmmmaking skills, I still want to write and direct Leonard Parts I-V as one movie!). This relief even tops my disdain for the use of the word ‘editrix’ when critics were reviewing The Devil Wears Prada [see TWS.org review for DIS-dain!]. And while the gadgets are gone, the rest of the stuff one would eggspect is tailor made (but not by one in Panama): ruthless European villian with bleeding eye (check), a cool Felix Lighter (check PLUS for bringing Jeffrey Wright into the mix), and saucy saucy biddies with more than juss boobies (what, u didn’t fap that shit yet?).

So with the good, there’s always gotta be bad: 2hr 24min. Shave 45 minutes off this baby and you have the bestest Bond flick since the Connery days. Keep it the same length and you have the bestest since The Living Daylights. Oh what, you a T Dalton hater? Thought so. OK, bestest one since Max Zorin was pimp of the blimp. Either way, Daniel Craig rules the school and does it look like I give a damn… about run times?!

Unsatisfied with this?: Netflix the TWS.org Breast In Show stamped Layer Cake [trailer] DUVHS!

Possible Porno Name: Cunt Sea Knows Roy’s A$$

Cameow: yep, that awfully smiley bearded man that you can barely see making his way thru Miami airport’s security is none other than Virgin gazillionaire Richard Branson, who also somehow netted a cameo in Superman Returns

Apt MPupil3: ‘The Gambler‘ [d] by Kenny Rogers, but not his rotisserie chicken

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Major Peepers

until next thyme, the balcony is clothed…