Thighs Wide Shut

Flags of Our Fathers & Letters From Iwo Jima
From The Filmmaker That Gave Us Space Cowboys
Flags Trailer|Jima Trailer

Clint Eastwood has earned the right to do whatever he wants to do, unlike Sylvester Stallone who’s only allowed to do what he’s good it. If Eastwood was dying to bring the story of The California Raisins to the big screen, no one would even second, third, fourth or FIRST guess him (is there such a thing as ‘first guess’?). Hell, I bet the upcoming Dirty Harry video game [trailer] that he lends his legendary pipes to could end up being the breastest game of balls thyme! Then again, The California Raisins‘ 8-bit Nintendo game woulda been breastest Mt Everest AND Suribachi, had it EVER BEEN RELEASED [please click that link]!

Luckily for us all, Clint’s more interested in human drama than dried fruit drama. I’m not gonna go on and on about either of these movies cause you really should see both, if you haven’t already, and if dat be the case then see them in the order that they were released (USA FIRST BIZATCH!). It’s impossible not to compare the films as they are two sides of one enorm-o story, er, um, war, so… I’m going to compare them. Flags isn’t as deeply emotional as Jima, but then again it’s not nearly as boring as it is either. I’m not saying that Iwo is woeful for the eyes, but Flags‘ sucksseeds as a piece of infotainment mo cause it pays equal attention to the home AND away, while Letters clocks waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many hours on that island. Dats all I gotta say… or not…

Before I go, I juss wanna give a giant middle finger to the Academy for two things:

1) how could anyone with eyes ever EVER EVER say that Little Miss Snoozeshine is more deserving of a Best Pic nom than Flags? With that kinda thinkin Napoleon Dynamite shoulda got a nod instead of Million Dollar Baby 2 years ago

2) Adam Beach from Flags got so hosed in the Best Supporting category. I can’t really disagree with their picks, and no offense to Alan Arkin, but the same rule applies as with #1

Unsatisfied with this?: Netflix the John Wayne klassic Sands of Iwo Jima [trailer], which hactually featured the surviving flag raisers AND the flag itself!

Possible Porno Name: Our Fathers Are Fags & Penthouse Letters From Iwo Jima

Apt MPupil3: Pat Benatar’s ‘Love Is A Battlefield‘ [d]

Papa’s Got A Brand New Flag: take a peep at photographer Joe Rosenthal, who peaced the fork out last August, speak about that iconic image, which also eggsists in video form

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): sure, Iwo seems like it’s 4374217142 hours long, but in the long run, both are ultimately Breast In Show

until next thyme the balcony is clothed… and by next time, I mean next week we’re frynally gonna unveil the breast of the breast in movies ‘006!!

Twice again, inspired by the the greatestist single newspaper and sorta by the Bruno skit where one has to choose between giving Jack Black candy or cancer, I ice man giveth to you, what will be hottier and nottier than my shits in the ‘007

OUT	IN
Daniel Craig’s Bond	Gold Bond On Craig’s List
Gerald Ford Death Watch	George HW Bush Death Watch
Idlewild	Girls Gone Wild
Dwight Schrute	•Andy Bernard
Nintendo Wii	WWIII
Heebs	Peabs
Cat Butts	Dave Butz
JOing	Faping
Trapper Keepers	Trapper John, M.D.s
Midgets	Midgees
Borat	Carl Barat
Cleft Chins	Cleft Palates
Ayn Rand	Rand McNally
Remakes	RE/MAX
Sesame Street	Sesame Chicken
Al Gore	Frank Gore
The Hobbit	John Wayne Bobbit
The Blogerati	Literati
Lily Allen	Ethan Allen
Nudie Books	Louise Brooks Nude
Wikipedia	Wookieepedia
Hating On Mel Gibson	Hating Mel Gibson
Fried Okra	Fire Oprah
The Frat Pack	Hebrew National’s Party Pack
Smoking Kools	Monocles
Thin Women	Thin Crust
Tony Kornheiser	Dan Steinberg
Pigs In a Blanket	Pig Blankets
Fantasy Football	The Fantasy of Your Mom Playing With My Balls
‘It Smells Like Upyo’	‘Want Some Fumunda Cheese?’
Keith David	David Keith
Dancing With The Stars	Dancing With SARS
Eye Patches	Thigh Patches
The Rape of the Sabine Women	The Rape of Dakota Fanning
Seacrest Out	Seacrest In
Unitards	Retards
US Weekly	IP Freely
Deforestation	DeForest Kelly
Adolf Hitler Eating Watermelon	Adolph Coors Eating Pussy

and here’s what was In Oder Aus in the ’06

And that fire is peoples’ mad desire to become gamers again, for the first time, or to continue on being the twelve-sided dice freaks that this for this new busted-arsed century. Seriously folks, aged 9, 69 or 6969, man or bizatch, whitey or blackie, yellowie or Redskin, dirty Jew or dirty dancer, if you’re an agronomist, a
boatswain, a comptroller, a dominatrix, an exchequer, a fellmonger, a gondolier, a haberdasher, an innkeeper, a juggler, a kinesiologist, a lady-in-waiting, a manicurist, a ninja, an oboist, a pickler, a quivermaker, a registrar, a sexton, a
taikonaut, an usher, a ventriloquist, a wainwright, a xylophonist, a yodeler, a zoot-suitist or are of any other occupation and have two hands YOU MUSS GO OUT AND BUY A NINTENDO WII (don’t let the caps throw yo off, although the ‘tendo is gettin into a World War for yer money vs Sony & Microsoft).

After my domination of Tony Hawk 3 on PS2, I had retired from the gaming world, I thought for good, cept for the occasi 8-bit glory of blowing into my ye olde cartridges, but hype and curiosity got the breast of me. And methinks that $250 is a small price to pay for the single greatest toy of balls thyme. Also, I never owned me the Power Glove, and I figured that this would help to make up for that bit o’ my lost childhood

•

it’s so much fargin fun that even hot chicks dig it

and even average looking chicks too!

and I’m sure fatty-boom-booms do too since the Wii provides more eggsercise than removing a slice of pizza from a box and shoving it down one’s piehole!

Breast part of the whole dang thang, besides the thumcredible interactivity, the people destroying their televisions and themselves (czech out Wiihaveaproblem.com early and often), or the old school skin you can buy, is that you can download old games (NES, SNES, N64, Sega Genesis, and even ye booty arsed TurboGrafx-16) thru their Virtual Console. Not a ton o games are available yet, although I’m totally rockin Sonic the Hedgehog, but every Monday four more get released. No word on if or when Toobin’ will be available

So don’t delay, blow whomever you have to, but get a Wii so you can wii all over yerself like I have for the past 2 bestestest weeks of my life, besides the first 2 weeks of life and the 2 weeks I totally anally raped your father in Guam

we bid Peace The Fork The Outtings to everyone’s mos flavorite RBI Baseball SS, a mustached art-theft expert, a Jeane who could getherasskicked, a chess grandmaster flasher, a dude who a lot of people hated, but not for his snappy dressing, and a belated one goes out to the Tengen peeps, who PTFOed in the ’93

Cuthbert currently in NYC filming My Sassy Girl, and currently being hypnotized by clapboards

Dakota Fanning wants to direct more than she wants pubes

Sacha Baron Cohen Was a Male Model

•Michael Psenicska, 2006’s Best Supporting Actor

David Lynch poo-poos the more Twin Peaks notion. Funny, cause word has it that his new movie is poo-poo

Rocky screenings galore, sadly it’s not for Rocky I

the Bergdorf Goodman windows

How many hours of TV does a person watch in a lifetime?

where have I seen this layout before?

a History of Snowboarding in 2 minutes flat, like yer mum’s chest [Bizzaro Lazzaro]

you can’t spell Danni without ‘in’ or ‘nad’, but you can’t with NSFW

Ghanian film posters [Cab Driver]

Tasty Crispy Silkworm

Walt Disney’s The Story Of Menstruation, fo-five-reals!

Tefillin Barbie [The Thinker]

locate a cell phone anywhere in the world [The Eating Machine]

and how come Tron Guy hasn’t thrown his latest male-camel toe creation up on his websight yet? [WTFOMGZ]

Say what you will about Labor, Arbor or Secretary’s Day, but thighs down, there is no better American holiday than Spanksgiving. Everyone in our mostly fine country celebrates it, regardless of race, color, smell, or updog. If yer not eating pie on the third Thursday in November, then you probably aint gonna make it with anyone anyhow. So in honor of Honor Blackman‘s boning of Principal Onyx Blackman while listening to Onyx‘s ‘Slam'[d], we give spanks, and misgivings, and Earnest Givens

Spanksgiving!
-for my mother’s redonkey-donk greasy spoon
-for Joe Gibbs listening to Jesus’ call to bench Mark Brunell
-for Cliff Engle
-for Goldenfiddle
-for Orbit’s Lemon-Lime gum
-for Shitney giving her ho the heave
-for Garyland’s 7-0 start that may wash away memories of missing the tourney for the past 2 years and this, Navi the Terrible Bowler’s desktop background image
-for the color combo of green and yellow
-for Amy Ruth’s candied yams
-for The Onion‘s headlines
-for Mel Gibson showing his true colors, and for those who boo his name when they see his Apocalypto trailer in theaters
-for Under Armour undies, they protect this house, and by house i mean my sweaty ball sac and killer dong!
-for Jhoon Rhee’s ‘Nobody Bother Me’ commercial
-for saucy red-heads with everlasting smiles
-for Spike TV’s Bond-A-Thon & AudioGarden’s Casino Royale KILLAH Bond theme
-for the moment I get my grubby lil hands on the Nintendo Wii
-for Drew Brees’ fantasy numbers that actually make Peyton Manning benchable in my keeper league
-for 1/20/09
-for Maryland’s world’s bestest flag
-for Borat’s endless curiosity of packaged cheese
-for Dan Steinberg’s Sports Bog
-for Sesame Chicken
-for bowling
-for Matthew leaving Eleanor at home to put her boots back on
-for mustaches
-for the return of Kelly Leak

Misgivings!
-for that cacophony of crap that is Timb Lake’s ‘Sexy Back’
-for the NFL Network
-for HD-DVD & Blu-Ray
-for mircowaved tunafish
-for Mel Gibson showing his true colors
-for Nazis
-for Surf Nazis, who must die
-for my State Comptroller
-for Tower Records’ closing
-for the NBA
-for Philly’s Mütter Museum‘s love of all things mad yuck, including but not limited to sliced sections of the human head
-for NBC picking up Studio 60 for the whole season, thus forcing me to watch overly dramatic shiz that doesn’t need to be dramatic
-for Libby Gelman-Waxner’s mostly worthless ‘If You Ask’ articles in Premiere
-for Jessica Shaw’s always worthless Shaw Report in EW
-for the Lions, who should be banned from Turkey Day
-for Gustav Graves

Earnest Givens!