Thighs Wide Shut

Alright, first thing is f$%hing last [audio]

or I guess effin first!!!

Peace The
WTFork Out
CHRIS PENN

1962 – 2006
Who woulda thunk that an interview with the Brothers Nelson (Matthew & Gunnar) woulda been 7teen thymes more fascinating than watching It’s All Right Now: Rick Nelson, a doc about their father Rick rockin out at a Louisiana county fair, which was co-directed by the Hackman? NOT ME for one! That’s why seeing was bee-leaving lass noche at the s’wonderful Museum of TV & Radio Nelson love fest!! They’re my new mos favorite children of a rockstar!!! Take that Chastity Bono!! And the Bros Nelson did papa proud by playing three of his songs, ‘Travelin’ Man’, ‘Hello Mary Lou’, and ‘Garden Party’!!! Alas, there was no love for ‘(Can’t Live Without Your) Love And Affection’ or pink spandex, but then again, that was probably a good thing

After ages of being treated like a black man, like Principal Blackman, the Strangers Avec Dulce flick will FRYNALLY be released in June [via AmyS.com]

Who the spork even knew that Steven Nederbergh was married to Jules Asner in the 1st place? Or that Wes Bentley was alive? Or that the WB and UPN were channels? Unless of course you’re P-rican and already had 2 for the price of -1

Delicious DC dump hole Ben’s Chili Bowl avoids the 2nd Ave Deli chop, and live(r)s [via Brawny Man]

Free passes to see Final Destination 3… put feel free to pass on it

Play Dark Tower onlines!! It was tHE single Gr8tits board game of balls time that was kinda like a video game, but not as les ghetto as those Nintendo Game & Watch thingies. I actually own a tower cause my friend Thighsbart owed me a lot of money and never had any to give, so we gots all guild like, like wees were living in Bartertown with MasterBlaster and Tina with those hair ear thingies!!

Howdy Doody’s Do’s and Don’ts [MF Temple of DOOM!]

Spaloo [via WoMannes]

And since I’m the Thigh Master, and since I love to eat fries, and since you love me to master thighs, and you love me eating since fries, hispecially Andy Capp’s HOT FRIES, and der BeethovenFries, AND CORN, while not listening to Korn, I’ve decided to bend my cock like Beckham and kkick KK the HRT the V outta the kkastle!! DATS RIGHT Y’ALL! For NO reason tat all!! Not even for her non-eggsisting TATs!!! Or the fact she got a tat on her p’nanny that sez Thigh Master & Rory O’Shea weres here!! Or the fact that she dumps so sassily!!! Or that she is going to star in 3 pirate movies with Orlando Snooze that don’t involve butt pirating, or the Pittsburgh Pirates, or Rollie Finger’s stache, or a mustache ride from the Pringles guy, or an ode to Mindy Cohn!! BAGELS and Shmears!!! So give it up for no reason at all to the girl I juss spotted dick on MRP…

NADINE ELIZABETH
LOUISE COYLE
aka
Her Royal Thighness
The VI Warshawski
who?

of
Girls Aloud
huh?
I DON’T KNOW EITHER!!!
but like Skinner said
1nce Bitten, 4eva smitten
and since
Martine McClutcheonmycock
hasn’t done ANYTHING
since Love Actually
I had to go with
Siress Arthur Love Her
Cans In My Doily Coyle!!
(no relation to Air Coryell)
I give her 2 weeks tops!! Or she’ll have to lose her top, or box set collection of 1985’s Topps’ Traded Series. Not happy walters with this choice? Then photoshop my effin corn head already, in HISTORY!!!! (the submissions have been so fab that we’re extending the contest another weak!!)

Good News Mares!
– KIM BAUER/CUTHBEST TO RETURN TO 24!!

Bad News Bears!
– KIM BAUER/CUTHBEST TO RETURN TO 24!!

Bad News Bears!
– The end of the 2nd AVE FRIGGIN DELI????
Good News Mares!
– The beginning of the 2nd Ave Deli on 8th Ave???

Bad News Bears!
– Silky smoothe Lou Rawls outted his fork peace
Good News Mares!
– We will continue to use his name on this dot org as something that rhymes with ‘y’alls‘

Bad News Bears!
– Andy Rooney portrayer found dead
Good News Mares!
– The REAL Andy Rooney will NEVER DIE!!! …and isn’t afraid to post angry letters that take shots at his scraggly eyebrows

Good News Mares!
– Jon Stewart and NOT Shitty Crystal is hosting the Oscars!!!
Bad News Bears!
– Mediocre movies will win gold, like Walk The Line

Good News Mares!
– Hustle & Flow 2???
Bad News Bears!
– Starring Mischa Barton?????

Good News Mares!
– da Da Vinci Code is FRYNALLY paperback bound
Bad News Bears!
– the ending STILL BLOWS, almost as much as Tom Hanks’ hairpiece!!

Good News Mares!
– The SS Sex Boat will be burned as the Vikings go ashore next season

Bad News Bears!
– Their mustached owner hired a new Captain, with a stache that makes him more likely to molest children than serve drinks

Good News Mares!
– HRT the V will never pull a Kate Moss
Bad News Bears!
– Or HAVE BOOBS!!

Good News Mares!
– Sam Mendes admits he’s a hack!
Bad News Bears!
– I still can’t get back the 5 hours I spent watching Boohead and Road To Snoozeriation

Good News Mares!
– Noel Gallagher Takes Back Blur ‘AIDS’ Comment
Bad News Bears!
– AT&T may get chlamydia for using Oasis’ ‘All Around The World’ in their new ad campaign

Good News Mares!
– HAL-9000 & R2-D2 will be inducted into the Robot Hall of Fame
Bad News Bears!
– R.O.B. and D.A.R.Y.L. will have to wait another year

Good News Mares!
– Besides ‘Other’, Pam Mueller is everyone’s mos flavorite Jeopardy! Ultimate Tournament of Champions participant
Bad News Bears!
– She has yet to become mother of my children, and since we are the #2 search result for her name that probably guarantees she’s been to this site and aint too interested in becoming the mother of my children

Good News Mares!
– More Ali G NBA promos!
Bad News Bears!
– The NBA still eggsists!!!

Good News Mares!
– The Giants fans now know what it feels like to get James Thrashed/witness back alley abortions at G-Men Stadium
Bad News Bears!
– We’ll have to wait til Augusto for some mo of that highly special/thighly entertaining Jeremy Shockey STOOPIDITY

Good News Mares!
– Dan Snyder and his endless deep Jew pockets
Bad News Bears!
Bad News FOR THE Bears! (and everyone else’s eyes)
– A rematch of week one’s borefest

brace yerself for this one…

If I don’t get 78 comments per posting from here on out, I’m quitting. While you suck on that you dick teasers and maltesers, here’s some final fantasy notes, non-8-bit stizz shizz whizz flizz kizz

• QB – Ryan Fitzpatrick vs WAS, cause the Skins will be up by 10 going into the 4th, then go 3 and out, 8 times over, while Fitzy becomes the next Enola Gay, droppin mad bombs near the end of battle
• RB – DeShaun Foster vs ATL, cause his teammate He Hate Me will be too busy watching She Hate Me
• WR – Tim Dwight vs NYJ, cause sometimes even white guys are good at football
• TE – Zach Hilton vs TB, cause him and Guy Ritchie need to rope in some mo viewers for their all male version of The Simple Life
• K – TBD at SF, cause anyone brave enuff to replace the prolific/injured Neil Rackers deserves a cabinet post in the Clinton/Cuthbest admin
• D – Texans at BAL, cause yer #1 result whenith searchin for ‘ravens quarterbacks‘ is RavensSuck.com

and now, sumtang for the liz-adies…

Until we eat meat again, stay informed [d-lode]

Seriously, what the fork happened? I mean, who wouldn’t want to pimp an Atari phone in their home?

[via The Atari Museum]
• Vincent Chase would make a whorrible Aquaman

• Set snappages from Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette. Early guess review: don’t bother and juss Netflix Barry Lyndon already!! Related: Kubrick’s final film

• Meet the next group of people you’ll loaf to loathe on next season’s 24: him, her, and her. [via Dark Ho]

• Fiery Furnaces announce a bunch o early football season tour dates. They hit up NYC’s Town Hall on the 14th, in the fitting month of ROCKtober.

• Does this have a chance of being better than this? I dunno, cause the 1st one has no relation to Dakota Fanning.

• How come Electric Six released Senor Smoke in the UK this past February, yet it has yet to hit our shores? Either way, feels free to ‘preview’ it here

• Although Thighs has turned his back on MTV’s The Real World, doesn’t mean he’s turned his eyes away from any NSFWness from Austin’s Melinda

• Vote for yer flavorite cover of my mos flavorite magazine, Time Out New York . I’ll tell ya write now that mine isn’t this one of a cow or this one, which is currently in the lead, but I’m teetering tween the first issue I ever got, ‘Tasha, Meg in a cast, The A to the muther stickin G, Pee-Wee, the flick that’s in a 4 way tie for all thymes breastest in my book, and the one that will probably end up getting my vote, Superjew!

• Jessica Biel makes out with a Pringle, and yet she’s still not attractive. [via Predicure]

• Ism gets Spanish Lohag hate mail

• MIDIes galore in the key of Video Games. They won’t let me hot link to them, but here’s a bunch I blazzle dazzled all over: Blades of Steel‘s Victory, Bionic Commando‘s Level 1, Double Dragon‘s Mission 1, Excitebikes‘s Title, Final Fantasy‘s Matoya’s Cave, Goonies II‘s Cyndi LauperGood Enough stizz, Ice Hockey‘s Game, Zelda‘s Overworld, Pro Wrestling‘s Profile, RC Pro-Am’s Title, Rygar‘s Level 1, Mario‘s Starman Dance AND Doo-Dads Doo-Dads Doo-Dads jounks, Tetris A, and duhvs course, Tyson’s Punch-Out‘s BLANK Stole My Bike. [via Pakulashaker]

• Impress none of your friends with this Washington Natty’s lamp

• Pictures from within the NYC subway system [via Data Doubleya]

• Austria Museum Lets Naked People in Free

• Young Boys Wankdorf Erection Relief [SFW via Fark]

• PACERS, GREMLINS, AND MATADORS!

• Dr Zaius is a playa [b wear of sound]

• And with some newly minted free time, oddly enuff not used for blogging, I’ve been revisiting some moooovies. I gave The Village a 2nd chance, and I muss admit, my opinion has warrick dunn a complete 180. This is Shyamalandingdong at his best and probably one of the most beautiful movies of 2004. Too bad I can’t go back and change my year end Best Of list. I also gave some reloveage to Tim Burton’s Batman. While many people have hailed the new C Bale one as the Holy Toledo Batman Grail, I still stand by version 1.0. I mean can you name a better summer blockbuster since 1989? I can’t. And don’t give me any of this Star Wars or Spiderman jazz!! Burton did everything right, especially make Gotham City into a character all its own. Plus it doesn’t hurt that Billy Dee Williams was in it too. And our final trip down memory lame was devoted to the movie that everyone hates, cept for me and my monkey and his fumndacheese: A.I.. Sure it runs a lil on the long side, but where else are you going to get Senor Spielbergo channeling Stanley Kubrick? If it was the other way around, Full Metal Jacket would have ended with Private Pyle and Gunnery Sergeant Hartman hugging. And don’t sleep on my man Haley Joel Omelette!! The kid was purrrrrrrfectly cast as a robot, since he’s actually related to R.O.B., of Gyromite fame. And although he may have lost his boyhood charm, doesn’t mean the kid is down and out. Dude juss signed-on for ‘an independent coming-of-age drama’. Sounds like a snoozefest and 73/1011ths, but after all he gave us, don’t we owe him?

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• Me thinks me teachers (pre-school thru IU) were on to something when the forced me to read books. I was never much of a reader (all free time was reserved for Nintendo, bags of Utz, and masuerbatin), and most of the time, the assignments were tres torturous (Mark Twain, Maya Angelou, and the mc-bane of my eggsistance, Johnny Tremain), but there were always dustin diamonds in the rough. For had it not been for them and their curriculums, Orwell’s 1984 and Ellison’s Invisible Man (which I 1st thought was about a professor turning himself invisible) may have never graced my list of all thyme besteteses bookages (next to Sendak’s Chicken Soup with Rice). Once the edu-ma-cation ended, I was left to my own (sexual torture) devices to figure out what kind of books I would be reading for the rest of my daze. After a few missteps, I’ve finally fingered out what words whet my eyeballs: books that became great movies, anything about a future dystopian society, and Kurt Vonnegut(witcha). Everything else I’ve peeped in between has been decent, but nothing too memorable. That is until, duhvs course, I read John Kennedy Toole’s UNRELIEVABLE novel to end all novels, A Confederacy of Dunces. I’m no literary textpert folks, but I’d say if you dig the alienation of Salinger and whimsy of Vonnegut, you’ll find yerself in good hands here with Toole’s prose. If I had a pen on me whilst turning the pages, I probably would have written ‘LOL’ all over my body 14 times over. Our protagonist and savior of the 20th century, Ignatius J Reilly was rated the 17th bestest character in fiction, but in my humble mumbler opinion, the brother is #1. Maybe cause I see a lot of myself in him. Cept I change my bedsheets and I’d never read philosophy. So if you haven’t had the pleasure of thumbing thru the pages, I’m truly, madly, deeply jealous of you. I wish I could read it again for the 1st time, but without some shock-therapy and a time machine, this is more of an impossibility than Oprah going off the air. My only wish is that they never make ‘an abortion’ of a movie from this fine work. I juss wouldn’t want anything to tarnish my newfoundland love for something that culminates with the final word ‘mustache’. Effin brills.

• White Stripes, as eggspected, expanded their upcoming tour. They, along with the Shins & Brendan Benson, will hit up Coney Island’s killer Cyclone Park on Zeptember 24 & 25. Which puts me in a pickle: dem shows or Austin City Limits? I know it sounds like a no brainer, but like Pops, gotta have my Stripes.

• The shark has been jumped, EW has a blog. Please head for the shores.

• Supergrass will drop their 5th joint, Road to Rouen, this August. While we wait, here’s a nifty Micky Quinn ani gif.

• A Da Vinci masterpiece once was lost, but now it’s found. [via Synapage]

• Eleanor’s dog once was lost, but now he’s found.

• If Jason Mulgrew is the most eligible bachelor in the blogosphere, what does that make me?

• Lohag sports the ‘Hungry Like A Wolf’ look for her b-day party.

• Lodes of free summer flicks for Bostonians

• I can’t decide who’d I rather bone

• What’s that flying from Paris’ pants?

• Michael Jackson’s trail woulda been a lot cooler if it ended like this

• Always late to the party, but anywho: watch Tom Cruise get jizzed on [totally SFW]

• But did u know that Tom killed Oprah? [b-ware of sound]

• Batman peoples, if you ever think of including Harley Quinn in a future flick, may I recommend Ms. Bellucci and her two amici…

And if anyone needs something to decorate their bed, may I recommend this. [kinda NSFW, all for Tom Wellington]